https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Sat, 16 May 2026 02:32:04 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/contradicting#post-2681131 Tue, 17 Jan 2017 00:18:13 +0000 hummusgirl 2681131@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My most-used technique is sort of what @gingerbebe suggested - humor. I think of it like the improv rule of "Yes, And...." which is basically that you never contradict the premise set forth by the other person, you just go with it. And for my DS, I usually exaggerate (like the pants on head example). So if he says it's not cold out, I'd say "You're right. It's super hot! So hot you're going to get a sunburn! We should put on some sunscreen!" Then he'll say something to build on that etc. which diffuses the power struggle situation. And meanwhile I'm guiding him downstairs with coat in hand. </p> <p>Often even if my husband says it's cold out, I like to go outside and feel for myself to figure out what to wear. So I can't blame LO too much for not wanting to just take it on faith! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/contradicting#post-2681079 Mon, 16 Jan 2017 20:38:03 +0000 Grace 2681079@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>You know, I go both ways. If it's something that isn't too important (like shoes on the wrong feet), I would let it go with an "if you say so". If it's something more important, like wearing a coat when it's -30, then I'll get more authoritatian. Like I'll say, "well, wear it anyways". Then when she inevitably says "i don't want to", I say "tough noogies" and make her put it on. I pick the battles that are important to me. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/contradicting#post-2680714 Mon, 16 Jan 2017 10:43:16 +0000 gingerbebe 2680714@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@ShootingStar: that's awesome! </p> <p>@Munchkin: like I said my husband is 10000 times better at this than I am, but what's helped me personally is to readjust my thinking about what is most efficient and beneficial. To me the most efficient and beneficial process is to tell my kid to do something and he does it and he learns obedience. But in his crazy pants toddler state of being, the most efficient and beneficial process is whichever gets him to be a semi willing collaborator without letting blatantly disrespectful behavior go unchecked. </p> <p>I mean obviously if we don't have time or if he's going to maim himself I'm not like heyyyy knives are sharp right? It sucks to burn your hand on the stove huh? But in the months we've consistently adopted this method we've seen a lot of progress in better obedience. I'm sure it's going to get worse as he gets older and smarter but I'm going to be glad we worked on it from a young age so that it's not a new thing when we hit the 4s or something. </p> <p>I personally got better bc we spent 16 days with my ILs over the holidays and I was really trying not to yell at my kid in front of them so maybe pretend someone is watching you?! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/contradicting#post-2680654 Mon, 16 Jan 2017 09:35:15 +0000 PinkElephant 2680654@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: Nope, sounds sarcastic in my American accent as well. :silly: Doesn't mean I haven't said it, though! :) I've also tried really generic things along the lines of "Is it, now?", "I see....", and "That's interesting....." - or just "Thank you, &lt;DD&gt; / Enough, &lt;DD&gt;." Sometimes those work as conversation enders; sometimes she just escalates and repeats "No I WON'T!" louder.</p> <p>"I'm sorry you feel that way" is the one of nicer "acknowledgement without agreement" things I've come up with, but it doesn't always make sense. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/contradicting#post-2680597 Mon, 16 Jan 2017 07:57:35 +0000 Mrs. Sunshine 2680597@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>No advice, just commiseration. A lot of times, I just say okay and move on lol sometimes that's moving on the help her with her pants or shoes and sometimes it's just moving on and letting it go. I'm not sure that it's the right way to handle it, it just feels so ridiculous to get in an argument with her. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/contradicting#post-2680584 Mon, 16 Jan 2017 07:10:57 +0000 Munchkin 2680584@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>All super helpful!<br /> @gingerbebe (and others) how do you remember to say all those things in the moment? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/contradicting#post-2680572 Mon, 16 Jan 2017 04:16:22 +0000 Cherrybee 2680572@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Champagne: it might be because I'm English, but those words sound so sarcastic coming out of my mouth! :silly: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/contradicting#post-2680515 Sun, 15 Jan 2017 21:14:27 +0000 Mrs. Champagne 2680515@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I've been reading "no bad kids" and one thing she suggests is saying "thank you for your opinion". I haven't tried it yet but might work tonlet him know you're hearing him? </p> <p>Toddlers.. 🙄🙄 </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/contradicting#post-2680498 Sun, 15 Jan 2017 20:34:52 +0000 ShootingStar 2680498@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We had another incident of this tonight and while I handled it a little better I still need work. We were getting ready to go grocery shopping and I could see that he'd put his boots on the wrong feet. He responded "no they're not" and I had him stand up and asked if they felt ok. He realized they didn't and changed them. </p> <p>On the positive side there was no power struggle so that was good. But I still want to teach him that constantly telling me I'm wrong isn't ok. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/contradicting#post-2680425 Sun, 15 Jan 2017 17:03:17 +0000 Cherrybee 2680425@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Oh my goodness, my 3.5 year old is forever doing this and it drives me crazy! "Please don't do that, you will hurt yourself", "no I WON'T hurt myself". Oh, okay, as long as you're sure you won't fall off that chair you're wobbling on? "Be careful, it's hot", "No its NOT hot". Umm, okay, you know best, forgive me wise one.</p> <p>When I can, I let her experience the negative consequences (eg the cold - I would take her jumper with me but let her go out in shirt sleeves first). If I can't let her make her own mistakes, if it's dangerous, I get all authoritarian and grit my teeth against the protests. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/contradicting#post-2680419 Sun, 15 Jan 2017 16:53:36 +0000 JMOM 2680419@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I could have written this post with my almost 5 year old son. It is so frustrating. Everything we say is contradicted and he is also lying a lot. I hope it is a phase that goes away quickly but it's currently been going for a couple of months. He's old enough to know we don't like it and we're to the point that we've started giving consequences when he does it. You've gotten some good advice, I may have to try some of them. I don't have any answers for you but I empathize with you! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/contradicting#post-2680376 Sun, 15 Jan 2017 13:36:56 +0000 gingerbebe 2680376@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@ShootingStar: I hear ya. Its just a developmental phase we gotta get through somehow without losing our sh*t, yanno? We have the cold outside debate a lot too. Our most recent solution in that specific example has been to put him in short sleeves until we get to the car. He will tell us its cold and that he wants a sweater. We will say "See, Daddy told you it was cold. Its cold right?" Then I make him affirm what we said somehow (yes Daddy, nod, whatever). Then I say "We don't always have to have fit about things like this. Daddy loves you VERY much and I don't want you to get sick. Next time when Daddy tells you its cold and that we have to wear long sleeves, we can try to be a big boy and trust Daddy, okay?" Make him affirm again. Then we give him a hug and tell him we love him, throw a sweater or thin fleece on over the shirt and tuck a blanket on his carseat until we get to school. Then we put him in a proper coat and all that. </p> <p>My husband is SO good at going through this BS. I am really learning from him because he's so much more patient than I am. DS' brain also works likes DH's so I think he gets him more. DH's reasoning is that DS needs to learn through experience that our rules aren't arbitrary and that they are born out of fierce love AND for his benefit/protection. A combination of humor, diffusing the power struggle, natural consequences, acknowledging those consequences, and then reinforcing love (ending these conversations with I love yous and hugs) has been the key to (DH's) success. </p> <p>I really try to get through this season of life with the big picture in mind. DH told me as a kid he was always super frustrated by seemingly arbitrary rules and that he constantly challenged them, questioned them, and did things to the contrary just to prove that it didn't always have to be a certain way. (Is it any wonder DH is a talented engineer and attorney?) His parents (especially his mom and teachers) were always pulling their hair out because of it, but at some point he said both his parents and him reached a middle ground. DH realized that his parents really loved him and were imposing rules and boundaries to benefit him and that often times HIS life was easier if he was more cooperative. DH's parents realized that it was better to allow DH some creativity and flexibility to get to the desired outcome, so they allowed him to push back somewhat, but he had to be respectful and nice about it. </p> <p>It sounds exhausting to me - I came from an authoritarian household and I was a rule following child. But DH also said he had virtually no problems with his parents as a teenager because that understanding was built in from the time he was a young child. Meanwhile I had a TON of problems with my parents in my teen years. So hopefully we can see this as investing in their adolescence!</p> <p>Long story short, I hear you and you're doing a great job! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/contradicting#post-2680361 Sun, 15 Jan 2017 13:17:43 +0000 ShootingStar 2680361@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@gingerbebe: I think what's harder for me to cope with is the stuff that's not as easy for him to figure out quickly. In the sky example, yes that's the conversation we should have. But another example was yesterday I told him it was cold out so he needed long sleeves and he immediately contradicted saying no it's not. In that case I pointed out to him he didn't know because he hadn't been outside yet. And I just didn't have the capacity to bring him and the baby downstairs and outside to ask him if he really thought it wasn't cold. </p> <p>Sometimes I just need for him to believe me when I tell him something like that. </p> <p>@PinkElephant: I think you're right, it is a control thing. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/contradicting#post-2680346 Sun, 15 Jan 2017 12:49:47 +0000 PinkElephant 2680346@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm having a similar issue with 2.5 year old DD2. She often contradicts if I'm threatening a punishment (for example, I might calmly tell her - "If you don't put away the dress up clothes like Mommy asked, I'm going to have to take them away for the day" - she'll respond "No you WON'T!" ) Like your DS, it tends to be her way of attempting to assert control over things that are painfully obvious, but she doesn't want to do (go pee before being allowed to sit down and watch a show, wash hands before eating, etc.)</p> <p>I've been trying to ignore it, but sometimes if I don't acknowledge her, she continues to say it, in an escalating volume, until she's really worked up. Turning it into a joke ("Maybe not, but I AM GOING TO TICKLE YOUR BELLY!"!) definitely works to diffuse the tension of the situation....but I'm not sure it does enough to show her that I don't like the sass. :( </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/contradicting#post-2680331 Sun, 15 Jan 2017 11:49:03 +0000 gingerbebe 2680331@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We usually ask DS if we can help when he's having problems doing a task. If he says no, we let him keep trying but offer verbal suggestions like "do you want to try it the other way?" "hey, how about the bottom part go first?" Then if he's unable to get it done and we are in a time crunch we just say "sorry we gotta go so mommy is going to help you with this but you can try again later okay? Thank you!"</p> <p>Anyways the contradiction thing. If I say the sky is blue and he says no it's not, I'd ask "Oh really?? What color is it?" He might say purple and I will gasp and say "PURPLE?! Nooooooooo, it's blue! Are you sure?!" He will then laugh, say no it's purple, and it diffuses the situation. </p> <p>It's not perfect but often times basically humoring his weird contradictions for a second and making him laugh makes him get past the whine. For instance he insisted his pants were a hat one day and wouldn't let me put them on. I was getting annoyed and then I was like "it's a hat?!!! Okay!!" And put them on my head and was like "thank you for this hat!" And started to walk away. He laughed but screamed chasing me "my pants! Give me my pants!" And then he put them on his head like a hat for a second, we laughed, and then I said we gotta go to school, let's put this hat on like pants so we aren't cold okay?" And I usually can cajole him out of his stubborn spiral to get him dressed. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/contradicting#post-2680303 Sun, 15 Jan 2017 10:47:44 +0000 ShootingStar 2680303@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>DS has been doing this thing lately that's driving me nuts and I could use some help in handling it. I'll tell him something and he'll immediately contradict me. As an example, yesterday we were getting ready to go to the Y and he was putting on his swim trunks and was having a ton of trouble. So I say, "You've got your foot in wrong, let me help." He immediately responds with "no it's not" in kind of a whiny tone. </p> <p>I get this a million times a day and usually over stuff that's pretty cut and dry, so there's not really a lot of room for debate. I hate to be the parent that won't hear any contradiction and just shuts it down. But at the same time, I could tell him him the sky is blue and get a snotty "no it's not." </p> <p>So far I've just been saying "yes it is and it's not nice to talk to mommy like that" but I don't think he's really understanding and it keeps happening. </p> <p>Any suggestions? </p>