https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Thu, 14 May 2026 07:12:03 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/could-you-stay-in-an-in-loveless-marriage#post-1381448 Tue, 28 Jan 2014 12:38:23 +0000 yoursilverlining 1381448@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I guess I'll go against the grain of most pp. you can definitely have a relationship with mutual respect, civility and friendship WITHOUT love. </p> <p>Some people can also have great sex without love (maybe some can't).</p> <p>Would I stay if I knew my husband didn't love me? For a time - if we were both working towards getting back to love. But imagining spending 10 years, 20 years with someone who doesn't really love me makes me sad - for me and for him. Respect, admiration, civility, etc. should be in any relationship, but I also deserve someone who really loves me, on top of those things. </p> <p>I would also worry that fidelity without love would be really hard. It might not be hard not to have a "random screw", but I would worry more about him (or me) trying to find that emotional connection that was missing in our marriage. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/could-you-stay-in-an-in-loveless-marriage#post-1381409 Tue, 28 Jan 2014 12:31:55 +0000 Silva 1381409@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>"mutual respect and consideration, genuine affection and friendship, children, and regular good sex and fidelity" = in love to me.</p> <p>I think others have said this, but the "in love" (passionate, head over heels lust) you described is, in my mind, unsustainable. And in many ways, an immature version of love (immature as in- "not yet matured" not as a value judgement). Our selves and our relationship change shape over time, and the trick is just to hold on through all the changes. Someday you will be blind and in the dark and death will be creeping closer, and you will still recognize your love- not for the head over heels passion, but for the deeper realities of your relationship and your selves.<br /> Read "Shape changers in Winter" by Margaret Atwood- I think its the best account of how to make love stay. We had it read at our wedding. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/could-you-stay-in-an-in-loveless-marriage#post-1381357 Tue, 28 Jan 2014 12:20:36 +0000 sandy 1381357@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I agree with pp that what you describe sounds like a loving marriage so I'm confused what is loveless about it. That sounds like a great marriage to be in... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/could-you-stay-in-an-in-loveless-marriage#post-1381329 Tue, 28 Jan 2014 12:13:02 +0000 lovehoneybee 1381329@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Thanks for the responses! I feel silly having posted this, but I think I was just too tired to really think it through this morning, and was having trouble seeing past the "not being in-love" anymore part. Now that I've thought about it more, even if that rush isn't there, even the idea of being married to my best friend who I still like to have sex with sounds pretty great. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/could-you-stay-in-an-in-loveless-marriage#post-1381274 Tue, 28 Jan 2014 11:58:31 +0000 LuLu Mom 1381274@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrs. bird: I think in this time in my life love would be very important to sex. My younger days maybe not so much, but I was never a one night stand kind of girl, it was usually a FWB who I had feelings for at one time. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/could-you-stay-in-an-in-loveless-marriage#post-1381272 Tue, 28 Jan 2014 11:57:48 +0000 Mae 1381272@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@lovehoneybee: I think your husband has the right idea. I think if there was ever love, there can be again. Hopping around from bed to bed to keep passion in your life seems like a much sadder existence to me than making a commitment to a person you love and respect and working every day to be happy together. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/could-you-stay-in-an-in-loveless-marriage#post-1381269 Tue, 28 Jan 2014 11:56:35 +0000 cheert16 1381269@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think love comes in different forms. I feel like in order to marry someone, you had to love them right? Well that feeling doesn't go away- perhaps the intensity changes over time- but you still have that overall feeling. There are ups and downs of marriage- and I think that getting through them can make the love bond stronger... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/could-you-stay-in-an-in-loveless-marriage#post-1381261 Tue, 28 Jan 2014 11:54:36 +0000 MrsKoala 1381261@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrs. bird: Agreed. I have to be attracted to the person but I don't have to be in love with them to have good sex! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/could-you-stay-in-an-in-loveless-marriage#post-1381252 Tue, 28 Jan 2014 11:52:29 +0000 mrs. wagon 1381252@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>For me, "in-love" means romantic love. After 8+ years of marriage, I can honestly say there have definitely been times when I did not feel like I was in-love with my husband anymore. It's become a regular, normal thing and whenever I start to feel that way, we go on a date night or something drastic, and once we even planned a weekend away. I used to think it was sad, but now I know it's just a reality that for me, I get way too caught up in our daily lives and I lose focus of keeping my romantic feelings alive for my husband. So then I need something to kick-start my heart (hehe) and it always, always works. It sometimes scares me, but after a good date night of reconnecting and focusing on each other, usually reminiscing about the past and talking about the new things we love about each other, I always go right back to feeling just as in-love with my husband as when we were dating.</p> <p>That being said, I always feel love in our relationship even when I'm not feeling like I'm in-love with him. </p> <p>I've asked him and he never has a problem with not feeling like he's in-love with me. He's much more emotional, sensitive, idealistic and romantic than me so I don't doubt it. He's also a lot less detail-oriented so he doesn't get as distracted as I do when life gets in the way. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/could-you-stay-in-an-in-loveless-marriage#post-1381246 Tue, 28 Jan 2014 11:50:29 +0000 looch 1381246@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mae: no, she wouldn't. she does it because she is afraid he will bang down the doors and wake up the kids.</p> <p>I was responding to the comment from another poster that implied if you're having sex, there's possibly attraction there. It doesn't have to be, no. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/could-you-stay-in-an-in-loveless-marriage#post-1381244 Tue, 28 Jan 2014 11:50:07 +0000 littlek 1381244@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@lovehoneybee: Maybe it's just me or maybe I'm jaded but I think that the love you are describing "passionate, in-love, crazy about the person" isn't sustainable. I feel like relationships go through phases. And that doesn't mean it's a bad thing. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/could-you-stay-in-an-in-loveless-marriage#post-1381239 Tue, 28 Jan 2014 11:49:22 +0000 illumina 1381239@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@lovehoneybee: is what you have described lust though? I don't think lust and love have to go hand in hand. For the most part, I wouldn't say I was in lust with DH--I mean we have our moments, but it's more cuddles rather than passionate sex all over the place. I think things change, at least for me, after I have been with someone for a couple of years. I have been in several relationships lasting for around that length of time and I think after that initial lust feeling fades, unless there is something there to replace it with...the relationship fades too. I used to think that was love...that lusting, couldn't cope without each other for a day feeling. But I don't think that is it for me. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/could-you-stay-in-an-in-loveless-marriage#post-1381238 Tue, 28 Jan 2014 11:49:21 +0000 lovehoneybee 1381238@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Sorry, I'm not explaining it well but I'm having trouble articulating what I mean to myself...</p> <p>Basically, D told me last night that he didn't think he could ever cheat on me because a random screw wasn't worth losing his family and the life we have, and that even if there was a point where he wasn't "in love" with me anymore that his focus would be trying to get back to that point, not finding someone else that he was "in love" with. I've spent most of the morning trying to figure out if the idea of staying with someone under the assumed above conditions* would make me sad. Staying with someone for the family and companionship and not because we were "in-love". </p> <p>*D and I started out with a FWB situation, but living together as otherwise platonic roommates. It was exclusive, but it was just sex for a long time. Love came much, much later. We generally say now that we've been together pretty much since we were met, but for a long time it was just a result of loneliness and convenience. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/could-you-stay-in-an-in-loveless-marriage#post-1381237 Tue, 28 Jan 2014 11:49:04 +0000 edelweiss 1381237@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>that relationship actually sounds pretty good to me! has a ton of important components. yes, i would stay even if it meant i didn't get butterflies or think he was my soulmate. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/could-you-stay-in-an-in-loveless-marriage#post-1381236 Tue, 28 Jan 2014 11:49:03 +0000 TemperanceBrennan 1381236@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think what you described still sounds like there would be love there for me, so of course I would stay.<br /> But if I felt like my husband and I didn't love each other anymore (not sure what events would lead to that) and were still "best friends" but not romantic, I think we would divorce - but it would be a pretty "successful" and amicable divorce. If it was one-sided fall out of love type thing, the divorce would probably not be as smooth. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/could-you-stay-in-an-in-loveless-marriage#post-1381232 Tue, 28 Jan 2014 11:48:14 +0000 mrs. bird 1381232@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>i'm kind of surprised with the number of people who think love is required for good sex. breakup/i hate you sex is hot! it's different than making love, but as far as sexually satisfying, loveless sex still works :silly: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/could-you-stay-in-an-in-loveless-marriage#post-1381226 Tue, 28 Jan 2014 11:47:13 +0000 LuLu Mom 1381226@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@lovehoneybee: I understand where you are going with this. I think love changes over time. I'm in love with husband more now than ever, time has grows that, but it's definetely a different kind of love. I love him for the man he's grown to be, the father he's become, and the never ending support he gives me. </p> <p>It's not a stay up all night because we can't get enough of each other kind of love anymore? I don't think that means the love is gone, I think it means we have to bring passion in other ways, I think it's two different things. I guess maybe the "lust" is gone but the love is there. (and now I'm rambling) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/could-you-stay-in-an-in-loveless-marriage#post-1381225 Tue, 28 Jan 2014 11:47:01 +0000 Mae 1381225@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@looch: But would she classify it as "regular, good sex"? If she doesn't want to and is doing it for him, its not good for her, I assume. </p> <p>I feel like if I respect and enjoy a person and I feel affection towards them and I want to have sex with them… that's love. Although typing it out that way feels weird because if it was at the START of a relationship I'd say that wasn't enough. But maybe that is because at the start of a relationship you expect more sparks and it is easier to to respect someone you don't know as well. If you've been together 10 years and you've seen the good and the bad (and at 10 years, you have!) and you still respect them and admire them and feel affection towards them and want to jump their bones, I think I'm okay with that. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/could-you-stay-in-an-in-loveless-marriage#post-1381221 Tue, 28 Jan 2014 11:46:37 +0000 MrsKoala 1381221@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I ascribe to the idea that love is an action word and if you show love, then you will feel love. I think the kind of marriage that you describe is the type that could become a loving marriage again because there is that mutual respect, friendship, affection, and even the physical attraction (would have to be there to have good sex). I think with work you could stay in this kind of marriage, be happy, and get back to loving your partner again. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/could-you-stay-in-an-in-loveless-marriage#post-1381216 Tue, 28 Jan 2014 11:45:36 +0000 illumina 1381216@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@pui: I agree.</p> <p>I think as long as we had friendship, respect and enjoyed each others' company still, we would be ok. I don't know what else I would want, really. I think love changes over time, in any case. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/could-you-stay-in-an-in-loveless-marriage#post-1381212 Tue, 28 Jan 2014 11:45:01 +0000 pui 1381212@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@lovehoneybee: I think that kind of "crazy about you love" is the quickest love to fade. Honestly I don't expect it to last as long as the mutual respect, admiration and the trust in our relationship. I don't think that means love isn't there, it's just a more mature kind of love. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/could-you-stay-in-an-in-loveless-marriage#post-1381210 Tue, 28 Jan 2014 11:44:10 +0000 looch 1381210@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Someone close to me is in a loveless marriage and she absolutely does not want to sleep with her husband, but he kind of forces her. So, it is possible to separate yourself from having emotions tied to the act. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/could-you-stay-in-an-in-loveless-marriage#post-1381206 Tue, 28 Jan 2014 11:43:11 +0000 Zbug 1381206@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I agree with @pui. If you're still having sex, I would assume there's at least some passion/attraction there, and this situation sounds like there is a form of love in it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/could-you-stay-in-an-in-loveless-marriage#post-1381204 Tue, 28 Jan 2014 11:42:56 +0000 prettylizy 1381204@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I could stay in the relationship you just described, but I guess those things feel like love to me. I can't imagine having a good sex life with someone I don't love. </p> <p>In my mind, a loveless marraige is missing something integral to what I would need and crave as a person, and I couldn't be in that marriage. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/could-you-stay-in-an-in-loveless-marriage#post-1381203 Tue, 28 Jan 2014 11:42:55 +0000 IRunForFun 1381203@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think that I could, although I don't know if I'd want to? However, what you've described sounds like a loving relationship. When I picture a in-loveless marriage I imagine myself not wanting to have sex with/show affection to the other person. Desiring, feeling affection for, and being best friends with someone sounds like being in love to me. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/could-you-stay-in-an-in-loveless-marriage#post-1381200 Tue, 28 Jan 2014 11:42:43 +0000 HellOnHeels 1381200@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@lovehoneybee: Do you mean loveless as in no spark? Like "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you" type thing? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/could-you-stay-in-an-in-loveless-marriage#post-1381197 Tue, 28 Jan 2014 11:41:57 +0000 Mae 1381197@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>If there was mutual respect and consideration and genuine affection and friendship and regular good sex…. that sort of sounds like love to me? </p> <p>I feel like love changes over time. I don't think the passionate "I'll die if I don't see you tomorrow" type love generally lasts forever, nor should it (god how exhausting… lol). </p> <p>I guess love is hard to quantify and if I felt I really wasn't in love anymore then it would be a hard decision because I do think marriage is forever and if you have all of the above you're doing pretty well. But also I'd rather be happily divorced than unhappily married. I think maybe you just need to make room in your life for a different kind of love, a more comfortable slow-burning love. Best friends with benefits sounds like a sort of nice kind of love for a couple that has been married a long time. But maybe I don't fully understand your question. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/could-you-stay-in-an-in-loveless-marriage#post-1381196 Tue, 28 Jan 2014 11:41:52 +0000 lovehoneybee 1381196@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@pui: @LuLu Mom: I guess I'm trying to differentiate between "love" like I love my best friend and "passionate, in-love, crazy about the person" love? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/could-you-stay-in-an-in-loveless-marriage#post-1381192 Tue, 28 Jan 2014 11:41:05 +0000 looch 1381192@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>So, in your scenario, you're not in love with your partner, but you still like to sleep with them?</p> <p>I guess I don't understand what's so bad about this arrangement. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/could-you-stay-in-an-in-loveless-marriage#post-1381189 Tue, 28 Jan 2014 11:40:21 +0000 LuLu Mom 1381189@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I guess to me good sex and love go hand in hand, I would think that sex would stop if the love was gone? But I think that for me personally if the love is gone from a marriage and we tried everything to make it work, there is no way I could be happy &amp; not become bitter &amp; in this case our marriage would be over. In my mind life is too short to not be happy.</p> <p>Edit: agree wtih PP the listed stuff makes me not think the love is gone? To me when love is gone, one party involved becomes bitter or unhappy &amp; there is most likely no way to have this situation? </p>