https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Sat, 09 May 2026 16:49:53 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/daddy-rolesexpectations#post-272931 Mon, 27 Aug 2012 23:48:48 +0000 HLK208 272931@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I wish our household could run properly if both of us put equal amounts of parenting in--but DH works a ton. Last week he worked 84 hours so I don't feel right making him get up in the middle of the night when I have the choice to take a nap the during the day when the kids are asleep and he doesn't. I feel like it's just natural for us. He provides money and I provide care--that's as equal as it gets right now and I'm okay with it (but I really love working and bringing home a pay check so it won't last this way forever). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/daddy-rolesexpectations#post-272918 Mon, 27 Aug 2012 22:51:55 +0000 yoursilverlining 272918@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Both my husband and I expect him to parent 100%. We both were raised with very involved fathers. My husband did just as many middle of the night feedings as I did (some weeks he did more), and now that LO sleeps thru the night, he is usually the one who gets up with her early in the morning. Whoever is holding her at the time of a diaper change changes her. We both love to cook, so we trade off who cooks and who bathes/bottles LO. I usually hold her during dinner, but only because I'm better at eating one handed. My husband does more of the house cleaning too, and laundry, because I hate laundry! We both work full time. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/daddy-rolesexpectations#post-272909 Mon, 27 Aug 2012 22:35:46 +0000 pinkcupcake 272909@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My DH is just as involved in taking care of LO, but since I breastfeed, I have to do all the night feedings. He still wakes up and will change her and bring her to me. While I was working part time, he stayed home with her during the day. I know he really enjoyed being home with her, and is sad that he wont be around as much. </p> <p>Now that I'm a sahm, I'll definitely do the majority of the child related duties since I'm at home while he is working. I feel like while I'm home, it's my job to take care of LO and the house, just as its his job to work and earn $. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/daddy-rolesexpectations#post-272763 Mon, 27 Aug 2012 18:54:19 +0000 mrbee 272763@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs.B: I read somewhere that that's called the Gatekeeper effect! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/daddy-rolesexpectations#post-272754 Mon, 27 Aug 2012 18:39:52 +0000 Mrs.B 272754@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Coco Bee: I do agree with your logic but it's not how our family runs :/.</p> <p>Basically all of the childcare and house cleaning is up to me. DH does cook sometimes (he's actually pretty good at it) but I always clean up his dishes and the stove when he's done. I tend to be a bit of a neat freak so he just lets me do what I do. He doesn't mind dishes in the sink and a dirty stove but it really bothers me. I also do all of the things for our kids I remind them to take medicine, if DS wakes up I get him, I bathe DS, get him dressed, etc. I have talked with him about his role and how much more help I will need once LO arrives. He seems ok with it. One of the major issues is my need to control things. I feel as though I do it better and I really don't give DH a chance most of the time. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/daddy-rolesexpectations#post-272722 Mon, 27 Aug 2012 17:42:04 +0000 mrbee 272722@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Things are changing. In a generation or two, a huge percentage of kids will have men as primary caregivers. Women often make more, and male employment is fairly low given historical numbers.</p> <p>Where I live, dads are extremely involved in general. The SAHD trend is a big game changer, I think. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/daddy-rolesexpectations#post-272660 Mon, 27 Aug 2012 16:21:11 +0000 JennyD 272660@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Oceanis723: I believe that. It is a big responsibility. My husband also used to worry that if we had children, they wouldn't like him! I'm sure your husband is doing a wonderful job :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/daddy-rolesexpectations#post-272629 Mon, 27 Aug 2012 15:57:49 +0000 Mrs. Train 272629@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@JennyD: my husband was nervous too when we found out about our three boys. Happy, but nervous about teaching them about how to be good men. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/daddy-rolesexpectations#post-272608 Mon, 27 Aug 2012 15:43:09 +0000 Mrs. Confetti 272608@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My biggest pet peeve is when I leave my LO home with my husband and people say that he's "babysitting". OMG - does that mean that all day every day I'm babysitting? Nope, just being a parent. As is he. Goes along with exactly what you're saying...and such a pain! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/daddy-rolesexpectations#post-272584 Mon, 27 Aug 2012 15:34:09 +0000 JennyD 272584@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@eiko2010: I get that! My husband was relieved to find out we were having a girl! He thought he wasn't "man enough" to raise a boy (silly man). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/daddy-rolesexpectations#post-272576 Mon, 27 Aug 2012 15:31:51 +0000 JennyD 272576@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>An older, male, colleague just commented today on the "modern man" when I told him the baby was at home with my husband. There was a bit of eyebrow raising accompanying the comment and a bit of a . . . tone. I laughed it off. </p> <p>Even though my husband is taking parental leave to watch the baby for the next 5 months, and I've returned to work, I still feel like the majority of the burden is on me - to make plans, to keep track, to organize. For instance, this coming weekend, we have tickets to a concert, and it's fallen on me to find a babysitter (which isn't going well, by the way, both of the grandmothers will be out of town). I find that to be more pressure and stress than changing diapers or waking in the middle of the night. </p> <p>I'm also a little annoyed with the double-standard, particularly at work. The gentlemen working there certainly expect me to be fully present (with work) when I'm at the office, but seem to struggle with the idea of my husband caring for the baby (they think I'm odd, from what I can tell). I don't expect any special treatment, but I wish they would or could appreciate a little better what it takes to be a mother (but isn't that the point of this discussion!?!). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/daddy-rolesexpectations#post-272573 Mon, 27 Aug 2012 15:31:03 +0000 Mrs. Pen 272573@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@eiko2010: it's funny, DH and I were joking the other day. One of his benefits is a 5k childcare tax deduction. I said we should be getting it because I'm his primary caregiver ;)</p> <p>@AprilK: haha yeah! When I go somewhere by myself and see someone I know they act aghast, "where is your baby?!?"<br /> "um, with his dad."<br /> "Oh, that is so nice of him to watch him for you!"<br /> lol oh good lord. He's not watching him "for me" lol </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/daddy-rolesexpectations#post-272549 Mon, 27 Aug 2012 15:20:46 +0000 littlebug 272549@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Hubs actually would love to be a SAHD, but sadly we can't survive on my salary alone. But when he tells people that, they look at him like he has 18 heads. Same thing with when I tell people that he was hoping for a girl - it's like expected that men want a son. These expectations are so ridiculous. And yes, hearing guys say they're "babysitting" their own children drives me bananas. It's your child - you're being a father! No one is paying you! Ugh. Our society is so effed up. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/daddy-rolesexpectations#post-272545 Mon, 27 Aug 2012 15:19:11 +0000 Mrs. Lovejoy 272545@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I agree the social norms are somewhat ridiculous. One thing I find really sad though is how through the norms society creates its typical to have a somewhat non-existent father figure. Because we've said "mom gets up at night, dad goes to work", I think we're missing out on some critical time for a little one to spend time with their father and understand how to first be loved by their daddy. I love to see a dad playing with their kids and really getting to know them (throughout their entire childhood). It's so refreshing! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/daddy-rolesexpectations#post-272526 Mon, 27 Aug 2012 15:12:37 +0000 Sprite 272526@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This conversation is so interesting to me, because as a kid, I didn't even realize that the societal expectations existed! I had a stay at home dad who raised me, while my mom worked, and it wasn't until I was in school that I even knew that this was out of the ordinary. I must say though, that my dad did the majority of "parenting" of me. But I feel that that role will fall on whichever parent spends the most time with your LO. And I think with each generation, we're becoming more open minded about stepping outside of what is considered "normal." I give my dad major props for being a SAHD, especially back when it was even less accepted. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/daddy-rolesexpectations#post-272522 Mon, 27 Aug 2012 15:09:45 +0000 Mrsbells 272522@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think in someways even when daddys want to help more its a bit hard. In my case I breastfeed. Often when DH wants to help with nighttime feedings I just do it anyway because otherwise I have to get up and pump. I also sometimes feel as though I do certain things better than him. its weird because even when he "helps" I have to "supervise" and it ends up being easier for me to just do it myself. He is still very helpful although there was some resentment on my part in the beginning </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/daddy-rolesexpectations#post-272521 Mon, 27 Aug 2012 15:09:00 +0000 Mrs. Train 272521@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My husband had to click in quickly. We went from zero kids to three kids. There's no way I could do it by myself. I am at home all day with them so I obviously do more than 50% because I am around them 24 hours a day and my husband is gone 9 hours. </p> <p>I feel strongly tha because I am a SAHM it is my job to clean and cook so I try my best. When I need it he helps me out. He also does the dinner dishes almost every night. The only thing I tell him to never touch is the laundry. He is just about useless when it comes to sorting the boys clothes and the different sizes. It takes me twice as long to redo everything if he helps. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/daddy-rolesexpectations#post-272519 Mon, 27 Aug 2012 15:08:09 +0000 blackbird 272519@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>we will be split because I will be going back to work. if i wanted to be a SAHM, i would naturally assume more of the responsibilities. DH wants to be a very, very hands on dad because his dad skidaddled when he was very young. So i don't see any issues in this department :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/daddy-rolesexpectations#post-272502 Mon, 27 Aug 2012 15:02:45 +0000 purrpletulips 272502@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@cocobee: interesting about the lap ticket thing; we've flown with DD four times (two round trips) and all times DD was listed on DH's ticket not mine. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/daddy-rolesexpectations#post-272496 Mon, 27 Aug 2012 15:00:31 +0000 stargal 272496@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>we try to even it out. im a sahm so i ovbiously do mroe while my husband goes to school and work. but when he is home he is bery hands on. i hate the culture that we live in that it is all the mothers responsibility. even at the hospital, the nurse was surprised that dh stayed the whol 5 days i was there and slept over, i guess not most husbands do that there! i was shocked. i mean i just had a baby why wouldnt the father stay there to help with feedings ( i was bf but dh still got up to help us latch on and help me bf everytime and was my biggest breastfeeding supporter, he was amazing!) and take care of the baby too. i dont understnad why anyone would not consider it teh fathers responsibility to also be there.<br /> also it urks me that a father is considered lazy or werid if he is a stay at home dad but if a mom does it, no one blinks an eye! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/daddy-rolesexpectations#post-272486 Mon, 27 Aug 2012 14:55:40 +0000 Mrs. Tricycle 272486@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>The only thing that makes biological sense is that mom has the boobs -- it's kind of hard for Dad to nurse, so if there's BF-ing involved, some aspects of care are going to automatically fall on her shoulders. </p> <p>Otherwise, I expect DH to be an equal participant -- in fact, I kind of expect him to share more of the burden, as I'm the one that makes dinner and does household chores in the evening. He's already anticipating that he'll be on "baby duty" so I can get other things done. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/daddy-rolesexpectations#post-272483 Mon, 27 Aug 2012 14:52:46 +0000 AprilK 272483@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Oh man, it totally chaps my hide when people refer to the Dad watching a baby as "babysitting". Hubs and I frequently laugh and say "You mean parenting?!"</p> <p>DH does help out ALOT with our LO, but I do notice that no matter how you cut it, I feel like I am the one primarily responsible. That is prob just me being a head case though. But I do get SOOOO annoyed b.c everyone is always like "Oh, he is SUCH an involved Dad!" when he changes a diaper. I mean, yeah, he is involved. But not because he changes a diaper when we are out and about and people notice. When I change a diaper no one gives a flying crap. haha. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/daddy-rolesexpectations#post-272457 Mon, 27 Aug 2012 14:40:14 +0000 LuLu Mom 272457@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I agree! I have already said that when I'm at home on maternity leave that I will take nighttime sessions due to it being my "job" and DH has to go to work in the morning, however it is also the agreement that if I need a break one night he will take over, and weekends it is up to him. </p> <p>We will be splitting diapers, feedings, baths, bottles, ect. when we are both home. I want him to feel like he is included and I want my DD to have a bond with him as well. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/daddy-rolesexpectations#post-272432 Mon, 27 Aug 2012 14:22:22 +0000 Goldilocks1107 272432@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We try to be pretty even. Before I went back to work, DH would take over feeding and diapers when he got home for the day. And I told him I needed him to wash all the bottles before he left for work so I wouldn't have to fit that into my day. And we switched off on night feedings for the most part (sometimes I'd take more since my wake up time was more flexible).<br /> Now that I'm working again, DH drops LO off at daycare, I pick her up. We split up night feedings in a way that works for both of us to get enough sleep. On the weekend, if you take the 2am feeding, you don't have to get up for the 7am "play time" and can sleep in a bit. If you haven't changed a poopy diaper in awhile, guess what - the next one is yours! And we take turns making up the evening bottles.<br /> Since DH takes LO to daycare, I usually get things ready for her the night before so he's not running around at the last minute tracking things down. And since I'm still a bit of an emotional wreck, he takes over when the baby meltdowns happen.<br /> And we share responsibility for making dinner and keeping the house fairly clean. Or try to! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/daddy-rolesexpectations#post-272424 Mon, 27 Aug 2012 14:18:19 +0000 chopsuey 272424@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>DH works and I stay at home, so I do the majority of the parenting. When he's home, we share responsibilities.<br /> LO refused the bottle and I EBF.. so when she woke at night, I got up.<br /> I don't mind and never minded.. DH brings home more than I could ever make, and I feel like I was born to mother. :) </p> <p>When we fly, I have LO under my ticket, but she sits on both of our laps when we fly together. I love traveling with DH because he does most of the heavy lifting. Traveling alone with LO is so tough! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/daddy-rolesexpectations#post-272421 Mon, 27 Aug 2012 14:15:14 +0000 Lozza 272421@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm pretty sure that every time we've flown w/ LO, we've gotten to decide which ticket LO goes on when booking online. I think last time LO was on DH's ticket, but it's not something we think about.<br /> I definitely do think attitudes towards this are changing. I live in a big city, and among our friends there's a pretty equal split of parenting duties in most relationships (unless there's a SAHM or SAHD, where during the work day, there's a clear divide).<br /> Lots of our male friends work with DH and have pretty flexible schedules, so if their kids are sick, the dads tend to be the ones who stay home with them. They can't breastfeed, but among most of our friends, I'd say the guys have changed WAY more diapers than the women have, since they don't need lactating boobs for that. And in general among our friends, the guys have been the ones to handle sleep training; once us moms were no longer going to nurse during those wakings, our partners told us to get some sleep while they did the Ferberizing or the non-nursing-comforting, or whatever.<br /> I don't disagree with your point that there's a general expectation in society that in a mother-father household, the mother will have the burden of childcare responsibilities, but I definitely think the expected ratio is nowhere near what it was in our parents' or grandparents' generation, and I think it's continuing to shift. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/daddy-rolesexpectations#post-272418 Mon, 27 Aug 2012 14:14:13 +0000 Andrea 272418@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I've seen dads do a lot, within my group of friends, so I think that it is expected that men need to pitch in, too. In some cases, I think the dads do more than the moms! Most of my friends work (moms and dads) so I think you need both parents to pitch in. If you're a SAHM, you would do more but that doesn't mean that the hubbies can't pitch in when they are home. It's not just a matter of work ... it's a matter of bonding and spending time with the children. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/daddy-rolesexpectations#post-272406 Mon, 27 Aug 2012 14:06:42 +0000 Mrs. Pen 272406@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@looch: yup. We flew in July and I noticed that. We had already agreed to take turns with DS on the plane, but then it was impossible because the stewardess made me move. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/daddy-rolesexpectations#post-272403 Mon, 27 Aug 2012 14:05:14 +0000 heffalump 272403@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>For us, DH helps a lot with LO. When my LO was a newborn one of DH's coworkers asked if he woke up in the middle of the night to help with her, and he said yes. She thought that was crazy and said that was my job, he needs his sleep for work. Ummmm..... hello, don't I need my sleep to take care of a newborn all day long! And as for sleeping when she sleeps, she would only nap in my arms so that was out. I was exhausted too!</p> <p>There are some things that automatically fall on me, like at meal times I always cut up LO's food so I'm always last to eat. And if we go out to eat I'm always the one who shares my food with her so I have to order something she will like/can eat. This is something that we've never spoken about, I think it just happens because I'm the mom, and I guess I don't care enough to say anything. </p> <p>But for the most part, DH does a lot. Now we do diaper changes together when he is home (she so squirmy it's just easier with two of us), we do bath together and rotate bed time every other night while the other person is washing sippy cups and bibs. When she was little he would wake up with her every other time, and he'd always take the crappy time so I could get more sleep. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/daddy-rolesexpectations#post-272400 Mon, 27 Aug 2012 14:03:14 +0000 looch 272400@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't think about it much, to be honest. Right now, I am at home and my husband is working, so naturally I am the one that is doing the majority of the baby care in terms of time (I change more diapers per week, as an example). I also do more laundry because I have the time during the day. It sounds so Leave it to Beaver, but it's not really...dinner is never ready when he walks in the door!</p> <p>That's interesting about the lap child being on the mother's ticket, I never paid attention to that when we have flown as a family. </p>