https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Fri, 08 May 2026 03:44:51 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dealing-with-narcissistic-grandparents#post-2925279 Thu, 28 Oct 2021 09:45:10 +0000 togetherthroughlife 2925279@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This is so hard and honestly we deal with some similar stuff on my side of the family. Hang in there - it sounds difficult and I know those self-centered tendencies can be really irritating. It also strips you of the special memories that YOU are wanting to make as the actual MOM in the situation. They had their chance, their kids are grown. It's your turn to make the choices now. It's so hard because a lot of times (at least in my case) these aren't intentional sabotages or cruelty...it's just decades of built-up defense mechanisms and lack of self awareness that are hard to handle. :( </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dealing-with-narcissistic-grandparents#post-2925225 Mon, 18 Oct 2021 20:42:41 +0000 bhbee 2925225@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@karenbme: It’s hard if it happens a lot. For my own experience where I also didn’t think I could change anything, my two strategies were 1) be careful about what you share (which sucks … but in my opinion worth it for some things … does get harder as kids get older) and 2) head it off - when you care about something like the cake, think of an alternative you can give them first before it even comes up. It’s like some weird version of the thing where you only give kids choices you can live with and then let them pick. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dealing-with-narcissistic-grandparents#post-2925224 Mon, 18 Oct 2021 19:33:13 +0000 karenbme 2925224@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Thanks for all the feedback. I’m fine letting the nickname slide, but more get bothered when they get mad that she doesn’t respond to it. We gave her a name and that’s what we’re going to call her, if they want a 1 year old to respond to a special nickname it’s on them to be around enough that she gets it. </p> <p>With respect to the cake, I know I have to suck it up and say no. I love to bake (which they know) and have looked forward to making birthday cakes for my kids for a long time. But, I know my parents and I know they’re going to come back about how it’s something they want to do and why won’t I let them be a part of her birthday. I also would be less mad about it if they had offered to make a cake or even said they want to bring a cake vs. hearing me say I’m going to make a turtle cake because I think DD would like it and then the next time we speak announcing that they’re going to bring a turtle cake.</p> <p>I guess I just don’t know how to deal with it long term. Playing whack-a-mole whenever they try to take something that’s meaningful to me doesn’t feel sustainable, but I also don’t think that a direct conversation will do anything except start a fight. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dealing-with-narcissistic-grandparents#post-2925221 Mon, 18 Oct 2021 13:36:32 +0000 erinbaderin 2925221@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>For the nickname, I think I'd just let part of it slide - I think it's fine that they have a special name for her. The part about them wanting you to call her that is WEIRD and I'd just say "It's really nice that you have a special name for her but that's between you guys, we call her the (name)."</p> <p>For the cake, I might honestly be pleased because it would be less work for me and it's possible they thought they were being helpful (when you said it would be easy to make maybe they thought you didn't really want to do it?) BUT I don't know the relationship, and if this is just a few examples of a bigger problem and/or you wanted to make the cake I would, as other people have said, "Oh,that's so nice of you but I'm really looking forward to doing it, thank you anyway." </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dealing-with-narcissistic-grandparents#post-2925220 Mon, 18 Oct 2021 12:26:29 +0000 poppygirl15 2925220@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>First of all, these are both super frustrating and I'm sorry you're dealing with it! I agree w/ everyone on how to handle the cake issue. I think you need to address the nickname issue, too. And you could do it in a way similar to how others have discussed handling the cake issue. Maybe say, "I love that you two thought of a creative/sweet/unique nickname but when we named DD we wanted her to be called by her full name. Therefore, we won't be using your nickname and it would mean a lot to us if you would also call her by her given name." You then have to decide how much you want to enforce them not using the nickname. Like, if they insist on still using it, you have to decide if you'll correct them or let it slide. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dealing-with-narcissistic-grandparents#post-2925217 Sun, 17 Oct 2021 12:52:31 +0000 Fawn 2925217@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Oh wow both of these would really bother me! I agree with the others and would probably say thanks for offering to bring the cake, but we have it taken care of and then ask if they can bring something else so they can still feel involved.</p> <p>Honestly the nickname would bug me too, but I think this one is trickier to address. I would have hoped that once they noticed you weren't using the nickname they would maybe stop using it as well, but doesn't seem to be the case! Hopefully it fizzles out over time. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dealing-with-narcissistic-grandparents#post-2925216 Sun, 17 Oct 2021 08:18:36 +0000 Anagram 2925216@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@karenbme: yeah just matter-of-factly respond your have the cake covered, but they can bring x,y,z if they want or otherwise say you don’t need anything except their presence. “What a nice offer! But I’ve already planned a cake I’ll be making. I have everything covered, but you could bring some balloons if you want”. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dealing-with-narcissistic-grandparents#post-2925215 Sat, 16 Oct 2021 21:09:37 +0000 periwinklebee 2925215@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would probably just text/tell her matter-a-factly "I very much appreciate your willingness to bring a cake, but I had already planned to make the turtle cake together with LO and that's what we'll be doing." If she turns it into a drama, I'd do my utmost to ignore her, ugh... </p> <p>The name thing seems super annoying. In another year or less your LO will probably be old enough to naturally respond "that's not my name," and hopefully, maybe that will help the issue.....</p> <p> :goodluck: :goodluck: family can be rough, blah... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dealing-with-narcissistic-grandparents#post-2925214 Sat, 16 Oct 2021 18:45:13 +0000 nana87 2925214@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My mil’s narcissism is a little different— rather than taking over, she usually expects to be waited on hand and foot, and have her needs placed above everyone else’s, including my kids… but for us, clear boundaries and unemotionally responding when they’re breached. Like, last summer she spoke to lo1 (7 years old) about possibly coming to take her for a “sleepover” (she lives a 4 hr drive away…) without talking to us first. Dh calmly explained why that’s not possible and that it’s not developmentally appropriate since she can’t differentiate between a hypothetical and actual plan (after I wrote down language for him to use and he talked it over with his therapist). But honestly, I mostly just disengage with her/keep distance because i just don’t have the energy. We keep expectations low and just try to protect the kids from getting hurt </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dealing-with-narcissistic-grandparents#post-2925212 Sat, 16 Oct 2021 17:50:06 +0000 karenbme 2925212@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I’m looking for advice on how to handle narcissistic grandparents. My daughter is the only grandchild on my side and my Dad and Step Mom are very interested in having her in their lives, but often do things that feel inappropriate to us. For example, they made up their own nickname for her and not only refuse to call her her given name but get mad that we don’t call her the name they made up because it means she doesn’t always respond to it when they’re around.</p> <p>She turns two in a week and last year we didn’t do anything but this year we’re hosting grandparents on separate weekends. I mentioned to my parents that I was thinking about trying to make a cake in the shape of a turtle because DD loves animals and turtle seems like an easy animal to make. Well today they announced that they’re bringing a turtle cake when they come. Swooping in to make my daughter’s birthday cake without being asked or asking feels so far over the line. To date I’ve taken a laid back approach because more love is better than less, but come on. I know that if I speak up I’m going to be told that they were just trying to help and there’s only a problem because I’m causing one. Has anyone else dealt with anything like this? How did you handle it? </p>