https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Sat, 16 May 2026 22:14:42 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dealings-with-a-pregnant-friend#post-1271891 Tue, 10 Dec 2013 14:05:24 +0000 irene 1271891@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Actually, coming to think of it I did go through something very similar as you two are going through. I was also struggling with IF for 6 years (!!!) and although we never went with IF treatment, it was not easy for me when my best friend was pregnant with her 2nd child. I was old (35), desperate, and devastated. All she talked about then was her child and her pregnancy whenever I asked her how she was. I think at some point I bluntly told her can she talk about herself rather than telling me about her kid and her pregnancy? And let me tell you. She is not the type of person who gets mad, and she seldom tells people off and what is on her mind, and she was mad at me. I apologized and she forgave me. I was pregnant (miraculously) a few months later, and I completely see where she was coming from.</p> <p>Again, I wish you all the best. I hope very good things will happen to you very very soon. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dealings-with-a-pregnant-friend#post-1271813 Tue, 10 Dec 2013 13:30:00 +0000 irene 1271813@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@coffeeapples: Sorry to hear that, big hugs. And you are being a very good friend. If I were you, I would have written her an email and if she doesn't take it, I wouldn't even go out to buy gifts and the whole nine yards.</p> <p>One thing to be fair, she does need support, and she is probably in that stage where she was going crazy with her hormones. Back then when I was pregnant, I also ended up not talking to a few people who used to be very good friends to me because I felt they weren't supportive. One didn't even congratulate me the whole time (she explained she didn't want to jinx it for me because several people she congratulated ended up miscarried, but I didn't take that well), and another friend just continuously criticized how unprepared I was with baby clothes and gears and all. I wasn't getting a whole lot support from my own husband (he was having pre-baby jitters) and I felt like I was holding an egg and everyone was hitting me with a stick, so back then I was only able to stick with the positive, supportive people.</p> <p>With all that said, you are not the right person to do all that at this moment. She has to somehow understand that you didn't already have two kids and waiting for hers to come out and have a play date. You are struggling with the very thing that she easily got. To be honest, I am quite surprised she would be mad at you. She is not very understanding and not a very good friend to you IMHO.</p> <p>Regardless, I think you have done what you needed to do. Just sent her a hand written card with some flowers, explain to her your feelings, and be done with it. I would still buy her a baby gift when it is time. But now, I would give her some space, and some space for you too so you won't be constantly reminded about your problems. And honestly, if she were like me, you may end up losing a friend, but sometimes when things are meant to end maybe it is better to let it be, because there is not much you can do about it if she has made up her mind.</p> <p>I just want to wish you both the best. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dealings-with-a-pregnant-friend#post-1271005 Tue, 10 Dec 2013 06:53:58 +0000 swedishfish 1271005@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Modern Daisy: yeah...weddings and infertility are not the same. At all. Sorry to be blunt but having dealt with issues with both my wedding and infertility journey it's just not fair to compare them.</p> <p>OP, you have nothing to apologize for. Your "friend" is being unsupportive toward you and you deserve support during this difficult time. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dealings-with-a-pregnant-friend#post-1271003 Tue, 10 Dec 2013 06:39:34 +0000 mjane 1271003@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm so sorry! This sounds so unpleasant, and difficulties with friendships can be gut-wrenching! Almost more than romantic problems, because I feel like it's less common to talk about them. But anyway. </p> <p>I wonder if she is actually have a harder time than she is presenting being pregnant? Like @cherrybee, I am perplexed as to why she needs "attention"... except if being pregnant is actually quite scary and difficult for her and she does indeed need "support." You are probably the wrong place to go looking for it, at the moment, and part of being a grownup is knowing what you can fairly expect from whom, but it's just occurred to me that maybe she is having a more difficult time of it than she's presenting. I had an awful time being pregnant, and felt very sorry for myself when a close friend distanced herself during my pregnancy for her own reasons. I don't think it was entirely rational on either end, but in my case I needed less "attention" and more "support." I wonder if that might be happening here? This is NOT to say that you are the person to provide her with this support, but I wonder if it might explain some of her ghastly behavior? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dealings-with-a-pregnant-friend#post-1270813 Mon, 09 Dec 2013 23:02:34 +0000 SunshineMcC 1270813@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Oh, goodness. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this right now. I am sending you lots of hugs, light and all good things that make you feel loved, comforted and supported right now - because you are, by this amazing community.</p> <p>I would take a break from this situation and friend for a bit - even if it's a few days. As my mom would say, "put it on the shelf for a bit", and take care of you and what you need right now. You sound like an amazingly supportive friend who is very caring! I think your friend will come around at some point, but right now, take care of you and spend time with those people who love and support you. XO. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dealings-with-a-pregnant-friend#post-1270429 Mon, 09 Dec 2013 19:30:57 +0000 Trailmix 1270429@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>People who have never gone through IF have no idea how absolutely soul-sucking it really is (and gracious, you've been through the ringer when it comes to IF). I'm so sorry.<br /> I think all you can do is tell her how hard and all-encompassing it has been and go from there...<br /> I do think she is being quite insensitive and self-absorbed... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dealings-with-a-pregnant-friend#post-1270363 Mon, 09 Dec 2013 18:47:44 +0000 spaniellove 1270363@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Does this friend normally struggle to see other people's perspectives? I don't think you need to buy her a gift...instead of showing your friendship, it might only serve to feed her selfish behavior. If she wants your attention and support as she goes through her pregnancy, there are better ways for her to ask for it. Ignoring the needs you've expressed and then threatening to cut ties with you - that's not a friend. I might pull away for a while and if she comes to her senses after the baby is born then great, but if she never does then sadly perhaps she's not able to be the kind of friend you need. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this on top of IF...you deserve to have only the most supportive people around you right now. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dealings-with-a-pregnant-friend#post-1270356 Mon, 09 Dec 2013 18:39:50 +0000 Dandelion 1270356@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrsmate: I was thinking this, too. How rude of her friend to think she needs more attention! I'm pregnant, too, but I'm not asking everyone around me to fawn at me and pretend the only thing in my life is the person growing inside of me. I couldn't imagine being so self absorbed! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dealings-with-a-pregnant-friend#post-1270353 Mon, 09 Dec 2013 18:38:03 +0000 Mrs. Champagne 1270353@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Oh my I'm sorry. I don't even know how I would deal with it! I don't think you owe her an apology- she owes you one. Hopefully she comes to her senses! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dealings-with-a-pregnant-friend#post-1270350 Mon, 09 Dec 2013 18:34:46 +0000 googly-eyes 1270350@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrsmate: @ElbieKay: yep that's the nice way of saying what I was thinking! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dealings-with-a-pregnant-friend#post-1270349 Mon, 09 Dec 2013 18:34:46 +0000 BSB 1270349@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>OMG! I'm sorry but I would be so annoyed. This is a vent but I can't believe she would be so self absorbed to only think about her and the lack of attention she is getting!! Unbelievable! </p> <p>I would be diplomatically truthful to her and if she is still on that high horse then I would really reconsider cutting ties with her.</p> <p>I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. IF is so hard and for people to be insensitive to your struggle is such a disgrace. </p> <p>Only if, she apologized would I consider remaining friends with her. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dealings-with-a-pregnant-friend#post-1270333 Mon, 09 Dec 2013 18:25:38 +0000 Snowdrop 1270333@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I read this and although I don't have anything more to offer than what everyone else has said already I just wanted to send you hugs, what an awful thing to be going through. Just remember to look after yourself. IF must be heartbreaking enough without the added burden of having to deal with people like that. Spend time with those who make you feel loved and good about yourself, life is too short for the rest. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dealings-with-a-pregnant-friend#post-1270102 Mon, 09 Dec 2013 17:04:48 +0000 Mrs. Train 1270102@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm so sorry. This must have been so hurtful for you. Honestly, I would also question the relationship. People who have not been through IF will never know the pain but they can imagine it and have sympathy. It sounds like your friend is not thinking at all about you and maybe that's not a healthy relationship for this season in your life. I wouldn't buy any presents but I would try to reach out a little if she can't understand your struggle it might be time to pull away. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dealings-with-a-pregnant-friend#post-1270071 Mon, 09 Dec 2013 16:57:25 +0000 ElbieKay 1270071@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrsmate: "I don't think it's even relevant that you're going thru IF (although of course it makes it worse). I can't imagine calling someone out for not giving me enough attention during pregnancy. Does she want a medal for getting pregnant?"</p> <p>+1. Your friend sounds incredibly self absorbed. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dealings-with-a-pregnant-friend#post-1270058 Mon, 09 Dec 2013 16:53:38 +0000 NurseMommy 1270058@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm so sorry you have to deal with her insensitivity. I was on the other side of things - my sister lost a pregnancy to trisomy 18 when she was 25 weeks pregnant. I was 11 weeks at the time. Understandably, she had a hard time being around me. It hurt that she wasn't excited for me, but I 100% understood and never once pushed the issue, even when she didn't visit her only niece for over a month when she was born. I withstood a lot of verbal abuse from her because I knew she was going through a rough time. All this is to say I think your "oldest best friend" is treating you like absolute crap. I don't think you need to be apologizing AT ALL. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dealings-with-a-pregnant-friend#post-1270040 Mon, 09 Dec 2013 16:48:12 +0000 pui 1270040@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Modern Daisy: I would say that the OP has nothing to apologize for. She's done her best to ask questions about her friend's pregnancy and show interest and support while still struggling with all she has gone through. Meanwhile, this friend has made very little effort to be sensitive to her. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dealings-with-a-pregnant-friend#post-1269997 Mon, 09 Dec 2013 16:34:19 +0000 mrsmate 1269997@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't think it's even relevant that you're going thru IF (although of course it makes it worse). I can't imagine calling someone out for not giving me enough attention during pregnancy. Does she want a medal for getting pregnant?</p> <p>Sure, we pregnant women all have our moments, but pregnancy is not an excuse to act like a batsh*t lunatic for 9mo. @coffeeapples: you didn't do anything wrong, don't buy her anything, see if she can calm down and find her big girl pants. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dealings-with-a-pregnant-friend#post-1269989 Mon, 09 Dec 2013 16:31:24 +0000 LindsayInNY 1269989@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I can't give any other advice that hasn't already been said...</p> <p>In addition to talking to her in person, could you maybe suggest that she read this:<br /> <a href="http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html" rel="nofollow">http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html</a></p> <p>Sending huge hugs and &lt;3 your way!</p> <p>(From this thread: <a href="http://boards.hellobee.com/topic/posting-to-the-infertility-boards-how-to-be-sensitive)" rel="nofollow">http://boards.hellobee.com/topic/posting-to-the-infertility-boards-how-to-be-sensitive)</a> </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dealings-with-a-pregnant-friend#post-1269971 Mon, 09 Dec 2013 16:22:48 +0000 Modern Daisy 1269971@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I can *kind of* understand where she's coming from since one of my best friends was super unsupportive while I was planning my wedding because she was still single and she even cried on my wedding day because she was so wrapped up in her own feelings. Couldn't even get over it for one day to stand by my side. Not the same thing, I know - but same concept. </p> <p>The only difference is, I never held it against her. I knew that even though she wasn't being supportive the way a friend should, that she still cared about me at the end of the day and I shouldn't expect her to have superhuman abilities to put her own feelings aside and pretend like she wasn't dying on the inside. </p> <p>And honestly some people 'just aren't that into' weddings and/or babies, so is she reaming out the people who don't ask for selfies just because they don't care either way? </p> <p>If she loves you, she'll come around. Being pregnant is a very emotional time so maybe she's just oversensitive. It's easy to get wrapped up in your own feelings and forget where others might be coming from. If I were you, I would just send her an apology and leave it at that. But regardless it seems like you guys need to spend some time apart if she can't be friends with someone who isn't obsessing over her pregnancy every minute. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dealings-with-a-pregnant-friend#post-1269950 Mon, 09 Dec 2013 16:14:02 +0000 pui 1269950@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: I like your analogy of divorce. I think that would make perfect sense to anyone! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dealings-with-a-pregnant-friend#post-1269946 Mon, 09 Dec 2013 16:11:01 +0000 Cherrybee 1269946@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Oh my word, I'm so, so sorry. I'm enraged for you. What the heck is wrong with this person? Is it not enough that she's getting a baby - the one thing in the world you would really, really love to have - she needs to be the centre of everyone's attention too?? And to parade this as "support"??? She doesn't want support, she wants attention. Raa! I get that she's excited, I get that this is the the single biggest thing that has ever happened to her but the world doesn't stop when you become pregnant. Ugh. Not everyone understands infertility, true, but surely everyone understands that when your friend is struggling with something you need to be sensitive - for example, if your friend was going through a nasty divorce, you wouldn't constantly text updates about how happy you are and how wonderful your husband is, would you??</p> <p>I hope that this is just a breakdown in communication and that you can get through this together. You've received some good advice here..... </p> <p>.......but at the moment I'm wondering how this person even has any friends. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dealings-with-a-pregnant-friend#post-1269909 Mon, 09 Dec 2013 15:51:05 +0000 Freckles 1269909@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I know she is your oldest and dearest friend, but she's acting very self-centered. To not understand is one thing, but to be mad at you? A real friend would understand, or at least try to.</p> <p>I agree with some of the above posters that having a face-to-face chat may be the best. Let her air things out, but then she has to give you a chance to explain why it's hard for you and why she shouldn't take it so goddamn personally. </p> <p>I am really sorry that you're going through this. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dealings-with-a-pregnant-friend#post-1269818 Mon, 09 Dec 2013 15:31:05 +0000 pui 1269818@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Wow, how insensitive can she possible get? I just do not understand how she can be angry at you just because you don't want to see more pictures of baby clothes or ask her everytime how the pregnancy is going ESPECIALLY since she knows how hard it has been for you to become pregnant. I'm sure she has enough people doting over her anyway.</p> <p>I say try meeting up with her to have a conversation. I would apologize to her that she feels you are not interested enough in her pregnancy, but say that this has been the most difficult struggle you have gone through. Say simply that after losing that embryo, all things pregnancy related hurt too much right now. You've done your best to be as supportive as possible while still protecting yourself. End it with you hope she understands. </p> <p>Man, I get that some people don't understand the emotional struggle IF is, but seriously she is being way too self-centred. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dealings-with-a-pregnant-friend#post-1269800 Mon, 09 Dec 2013 15:23:49 +0000 mrswin 1269800@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@coffeeapples: I'm so sorry that you are in this situation. It sounds like you have done the right thing by trying to explain to her how you are feeling and I'm sorry that it doesn't seem like she is understanding.....or to be quite frank "trying" to understand. If it were me I would probably withdraw from the relationship a bit, you have already apologized to her and let her know how you feel so there probably isn't much more to do at this point.</p> <p>I get that someone who has never gone through IF won't necessarily understand the pain that someone else being pregnant can causes, I don't think that is an excuse. As an example, (totally made up btw) if I told my best friend that is was hard for me to hear her talk about how great having her mom around, etc, etc... and I had lost my mom, I would expect her to understand even though she hadn't been through the same thing.</p> <p>@ineebee: has great advice too </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dealings-with-a-pregnant-friend#post-1269775 Mon, 09 Dec 2013 15:15:01 +0000 edelweiss 1269775@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>i am so, so sorry. how hurtful. i'm not sure if there is something else going on with her (sounds like you guys are good friends and i feel like there's gotta be a reason for her anger beyond what she's told you) and/or she might just be unfamiliar with the emotions/feelings that go along with infertility. </p> <p>i like @ineebee:'s suggestion. in addition to letting her air her feelings, it will give her a chance to listen to you. i'm sure if she really got to understand what you are going through, she would take back the hurtful words. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dealings-with-a-pregnant-friend#post-1269636 Mon, 09 Dec 2013 14:27:22 +0000 Mae 1269636@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Ugh. I'm so sorry. I have to say-- if I had never gotten involved in Weddingbee/Hellobee I don't think I'd have ANY clue what people go through with IF. I definitely had no clue how heartbreaking and all-consuming it can be (and I'm sure I still don't even fully understand). I hope for the sake of your friendship that your friend is just clueless. I'm sure she is thinking of things very "rationally" (i.e. her being pregnant has no effect on your ability to get pregnant, and you will be pregnant at some point even if it takes a while, and so she just thinks you should be as happy for her as if you didn't have your own issues happening). But I think it is just really hard for ppl who haven't been through IF or have someone close to them who has to understand your pain. </p> <p>Regardless, I hope you can work it out and figure out how to navigate your friendship through this period of your life. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dealings-with-a-pregnant-friend#post-1269614 Mon, 09 Dec 2013 14:21:53 +0000 Sunshine1810 1269614@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm sorry, I know how hard this is! One of my very best friends is pregnant right now, but luckily she has been super sensitive to my situation with infertility, failed cycles, etc. She even asked if I was sure if I wanted to go to her baby shower (I went). I appreciate her being so understanding and honestly it has made it easier for me to be excited and happy with her because she so supportive on the days when I am not doing so well.</p> <p>I would question your friendship a little bit as well. In my mind a real friend would understand how hard this is for you, and not push or be in your face about their pregnancy.</p> <p>I think you are doing a great job being as supportive as you can be. I do think you should try having a pretty honest conversation about what you are going through right now, and if she still doesn't understand, I think that tells you a lot about her as a friend.</p> <p>HUGS to you! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dealings-with-a-pregnant-friend#post-1269596 Mon, 09 Dec 2013 14:15:18 +0000 Shutterbug 1269596@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Ah, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I am also going through IF and my best friend since childhood got pregnant on her first try when I was just starting IUIs (about 14 months into TTC). She is normally the type to need to be the center of attention, and although I love her dearly, like a sister, one area where we've struggled occasionally is with her sort of confronting me about when I'm not being a good friend. That being said, she has been incredibly supportive and sensitive about my IF and her pregnancy. I think part of that is that she's been in the loop with me since the beginning, so she knows how much I've been struggling. She tries very hard not to constantly talk about her pregnancy. Also, I've tried very hard to be excited for her when I'm up to it. </p> <p>I think your friend is being unreasonable if you've been open with her about your IF struggles. She should understand that she is getting the one thing that you want more than anything else in the world, and although you're very happy and excited for her, it's hard to not instinctively also be sad for yourself. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dealings-with-a-pregnant-friend#post-1269594 Mon, 09 Dec 2013 14:14:55 +0000 Mrs.Someone 1269594@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Wow. Just wow. Your friend doesn't realize that everything she is accusing you of is exactly what she is doing to you. I agree with THOU, this might just be a relationship you need to pull away from for a little bit. Its HARD going through IF and seeing all your friends get pregnant and have babies. Its completely acceptable to pull away a bit if you need to, especially if a friend is unsupportive. </p> <p>Don't buy her gifts, don't apologize. Just tell her how you hurt you are with her actions and with your IF troubles, and leave it at that.</p> <p>Sorry if this is harsh, but I'm angry for you! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dealings-with-a-pregnant-friend#post-1269589 Mon, 09 Dec 2013 14:13:20 +0000 Crystal 1269589@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I second @ineebee advice- that is a really good tactic, assuming you want to save the friendship (which it sounds like you do). </p> <p>Honestly, though, she sounds pretty selfish, and I don't know if I would be willing to go through all that extra effort. It might be hormones on both of your parts, but I can't imagine being so insensitive to someone struggling so much. </p>