https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Thu, 30 Apr 2026 12:53:58 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/decoding-a-3-year-olds-tantrums#post-2697874 Tue, 14 Feb 2017 21:38:20 +0000 JoyfulKiwi 2697874@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs D: I highly recommend the book "No-Drama Discipline". It answers literally every question you asked, gives lots of reasoning and examples, and it really works. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/decoding-a-3-year-olds-tantrums#post-2697783 Tue, 14 Feb 2017 17:17:49 +0000 Grace 2697783@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs D: Oh, that happens to LO too (all the time). I think it's how you look at it. Where you are saying she is having a fit for not getting her way, I look at it as she is devasted because the world is not behaving in the logical way that she expects it to. I think that's really hard on a small kid. They are naturally egocentric at this age and when life doesn't revolve around them, it's devastating. Only thing, I might suggest is no three strikes. I find my husband is very patient and gives LO a lot of chances. I feel this often leads to her thinking that there is a chance she might win the battle and it makes the meltdown worse. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/decoding-a-3-year-olds-tantrums#post-2697779 Tue, 14 Feb 2017 16:55:00 +0000 littlejoy 2697779@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs D: It's hard ... consistency on our end is key. Our kid is the definition of a strong-willed child. I was seriously afraid of 3, because 2 was SO HARD. I started implementing a lot of listening and letting her really just feel her feelings around 2.25-2.5, and it took those 6-9 months for it to catch on. Now, at 3, she's kind of a dream (but like, this morning, she knocked a chair over and told me she would never take her pajamas off), lol. It's all very relative!!!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/decoding-a-3-year-olds-tantrums#post-2697778 Tue, 14 Feb 2017 16:52:07 +0000 Mrs D 2697778@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mama Bird: YES! I feel like she somewhat zones out when shes in the tantrum! And yes, all of this is heightened when she has a no nap day at daycare...for sure! So far I have concluded she does not need mental help - but some nights I'm on the fence! :silly: </p> <p>@tlynne: I would say she has some mild sensory issues. She gets a little worked up if he clothes get wet but not inconsolable and not to the point of needing to change. She has a major pacifier obsession (we only allow at bedtime) its a HUGE coping mechanism for her we have noticed - hence why we have not taken it from her yet. Definitely realizing I think I engage too much during the tantrum and need to just let it take its course.</p> <p>@ShootingStar: very good points, like I just mentioned I am realizing I think I try to have the "teaching" moment too early in the process. I need to let her come back to normal first. Although I do think for her, coming back to normal may be best accomplished in her room quietly - as opposed to in the family space where there are more triggers.</p> <p>@Greentea: OMG - if I had a dollar for every time my DD tried to hug me while I was going to the bathroom...gross hunny...gross...</p> <p>@Grace: K is definitely sensitive to reprimanding but I sense its more from a "not getting her way" perspective based on her behavior than a sensitivity factor. A lot of her acting out happens when we tell her not to do something, or that she cant play with something or that she cant have this or that treat. Which then sets off her mood and can lead to worse behavior. She rarely goes straight to something "really" wrong. If that makes sense? Like for example very common in our house is "I want XYZ for snack" to which I will respond "no sweetie, we;re going to have dinner in 30 mins" (sometimes there is more back n forth on why we need to wait until dinner). Then she'll yell at me that she wants a snack. We'll go through 3 strikes - which will end up with her losing a toy or sitting on the time out step - its usually at that point that she'll completely melt down or escalate her bad behavior.</p> <p>@littlejoy: I've looked into some JL stuff and have tried incorporating the verbal expression of her emotions for her ("I know your upset" or "I can imagine this upsets you")...I just feel like she isnt even hearing me in those moments...2-4 is NO JOKE </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/decoding-a-3-year-olds-tantrums#post-2697758 Tue, 14 Feb 2017 16:04:48 +0000 littlejoy 2697758@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We let tantrums and feelings be. We give her the space to get it all out, which I feel like really helps her behavior the rest of the day. If she's being violent, I will interject ("I know you're upset, but I can't let you hit me/the dog. You can hit the couch if you need to.") ... If she tells me she needs love, we give it to her. I assume she realizes she's upset and is experimenting with ways to cope with those emotions. Asking for a hug to calm down is awesome!! </p> <p>When I feel like she needs a little help to calm down, I'll just say, "I'm sorry, but I can't understand you when you're screaming. When you're ready to talk, I am here for you." - it almost always works, and I've noticed her outbursts have become much more controlled over the last few months. She knows I respond to a calmer voice.</p> <p>Janey Lansbury's podcast has helped me A TON!! 2-4 year olds are quite an adventure! :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/decoding-a-3-year-olds-tantrums#post-2697750 Tue, 14 Feb 2017 15:54:09 +0000 Grace 2697750@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs D: I haven't seen her give me a smirk. But she's also different from your kid (I assume). Mine is very sensitive to reprimand or someone being disappointed in her. I have to be very careful in how severe I sound because she takes it hard. So it makes sense to me that her emotions are big and sometimes she actually needs a hug (versus a conniving agenda). It could also be that because I've never withheld hugs, it's not something she can "win" at. I also wonder, does it matter if she thinks she won as far as the hug goes, so long as the punishment/discussion happens and she understands the problem? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/decoding-a-3-year-olds-tantrums#post-2697722 Tue, 14 Feb 2017 15:03:01 +0000 Greentea 2697722@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would never say "ignore" a kid. Maybe stay calm and non-reactive, but not ignore. Often DD needs a hug, I see that as a way to cope, not as rewarding bad behavior, so I don't deny that to a kid- but we've run into challenges when she demands one when I can't (like I'm using the restroom or something). Sometimes she has to go into the playroom until she stops screaming, like if baby is napping. I try to let her express herself (don't punish for crying) and give hugs and talk it out after. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/decoding-a-3-year-olds-tantrums#post-2697686 Tue, 14 Feb 2017 14:38:14 +0000 ShootingStar 2697686@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs D: I would agree with others that you should still give her the hug. If she interrupts your explanation, just pause and give her the hug and make sure she's calm. Then you can have a talk about what was wrong, what the consequences are, and what future behavior should be. Otherwise, she's still getting so wound up like you're experiencing.</p> <p>Over the past few days we've had some tough behavior too thanks to the awful weather. DS got mad at our dog for trying to take one of his stuffed animals and he crossed a line in how physical he was with her and did something that hurt her. DH yelled at him and DS freaked out. We took the toy away and put it in time out and I told him that he needed to have some quiet time in his room. He'd gotten up early and was grouchy all morning. He again melted down because he didn't want to go to his room. We hugged him and got him to calm down and then we were able to talk about why we don't hurt the dog and what to do if she's trying to take one of his toys. </p> <p>To me the point is to work on not having the behavior happen again. So taking away the toy is part of that, as is having a talk with him. Making him upset and closing down his ability to listen doesn't really help either of us. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/decoding-a-3-year-olds-tantrums#post-2697659 Tue, 14 Feb 2017 14:09:57 +0000 tlynne 2697659@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We're Kevin Leman followers. I let the tantrum pass until he (or they) are reasonable, and then I talk to them. This is also the method I've used with all of my foster children. Incidentally, does your DD have a sensory or other type of issue that might compound (or initiate) the tantrums? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/decoding-a-3-year-olds-tantrums#post-2697639 Tue, 14 Feb 2017 13:38:09 +0000 Mrs D 2697639@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@erinbaderin: I guess I usually aim to remove DD1 because its usually over a toy that is in the room - so I'm inclined to get her away from whatever it is that causes the problem?</p> <p>With regard to the hug - I see what you are saying that I may be giving her too much credit. Its just felt very purposeful and almost conniving at times. But I agree I dont like the idea of withholding affection - which is why I said it bothers me to not give her the hug/cuddle she wants but at the same time I dont want the punishment to become overshadowed. I will say - when she asks for a hug (usually in the middle of explaining to her why she is being punished) I usually will say "please let mommy finish talking" at which point she will start throwing a "I want a hug" tantrum...its like the whole mess is cyclical! :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/decoding-a-3-year-olds-tantrums#post-2697637 Tue, 14 Feb 2017 13:37:24 +0000 Mama Bird 2697637@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs D: sounds like my son. At that age he usually didn't throw tantrums to get his way, he'd throw them because he was very upset, and not even necessarily about whatever I'd told him he can't do. Just upset in general, overtired, sick or something. And he legit couldn't hear anyone until he calmed down. One time I was trying to get him to bed and brushed his teeth while he was standing there crying. When he calmed down, he said "ok, time to brush my teeth" :shocked: He just had no clue he'd already done it. Walking away didn't really seem to help, so mostly I'd just stand there till he got it out of his system, and wonder if this is normal or I need to get him mental health help.</p> <p>And the hug thing... so frustrating! He's got a big mommy preference and after he makes me really, really mad he'll always ask for a hug. While I'm trying hard to stay away from him so I don't say something I regret. I've found out the hard way there's no way out but to give the hug, and if I so much as tell him that I love him but he's really upset me by doing xyz, he loses it completely. Usually this is around bedtime so I put him to bed (of course, it takes forever just when I really need a break) and then go vent to DH. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/decoding-a-3-year-olds-tantrums#post-2697635 Tue, 14 Feb 2017 13:33:45 +0000 Mrs D 2697635@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Freckles: Thank you, I will look into that book as well. We had an incident at daycare that ended with me carrying DD by her waist at my side out to the car - after that moment it was the best conversation I feel like she and I have had - because I think she understood the severity of the situation simply by my reaction - if that makes sense. DH and I are certainly due for a level set...I know presenting a unit front is crucial. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/decoding-a-3-year-olds-tantrums#post-2697632 Tue, 14 Feb 2017 13:30:58 +0000 Freckles 2697632@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs D: I find that things won't escalate as long as i keep my voice calm and neutral (which is sooo hard). She really wasn't expecting me to carry her over my shoulders up to her room, but it signalled that i was serious. When she starts to get really upset, i always give her the option of doing it in her room - "It's okay to be upset, but it's not okay to treat me this way. If you want to get mad and upset, you can do it in your room." </p> <p>I had a long talk with the director at her school and she recommended the book, Kids Are Worth It by Barbara Coloroso. I've only read a chapter but i hope to finish it this month!</p> <p>Good luck - i found that having a game plan (with DH) makes me feel more in control of the situation. I don't know what it is about the 6 month mark - she was the toughest to deal with at 2.5, 3.5 and 4.5!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/decoding-a-3-year-olds-tantrums#post-2697625 Tue, 14 Feb 2017 13:22:58 +0000 erinbaderin 2697625@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>1) I don't talk to him about it until he's through the freak out. I think of how I'd feel - when I'm upset about something in the moment I wouldn't want somebody else trying to have a conversation about what I did wrong and how I can do better next time, I'm still feeling my feelings. If you're worried about the baby I would remove yourself and baby rather than try to relocate your daughter. </p> <p>2) I will always give a hug/kiss/cuddle. I don't see that as being a reward for bad behaviour unless she was having a tantrum because she wanted a hug and you couldn't give one for some reason. I don't understand what you mean when you say she was asking for a hug to con her way out of it. Out of what? I think you're assigning too sophisticated reasoning to a 3 year old to say that she's smirking and thinking that she won. As long as you don't give in on whatever set off the tantrum (for example giving a snack if she was mad that you'd previously said no). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/decoding-a-3-year-olds-tantrums#post-2697622 Tue, 14 Feb 2017 13:18:53 +0000 Mrs D 2697622@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Freckles: I like that "I love you but I dont like your behavior"...adding that to my narrative!</p> <p>We send her to her room to calm down...maybe we just need to be firm and consistent with that. The "time out stair" doesnt seem to be working any more so maybe its time to fully switch. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/decoding-a-3-year-olds-tantrums#post-2697621 Tue, 14 Feb 2017 13:15:34 +0000 Mrs D 2697621@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Grace: Do you ever find your LO smirking when you give the hug under scenario 2? DH (as I mentioned) caves more. I see him cave to the hug requests and I see DD give a smirk as if to say "I won". This is really when it bothers me. I have no problem approaching the "reprimanding" from a warm and fuzzy angle if she is "getting it"...but when I feel like the hug was to con her way out of it I get upset. I mean yes she lost the toy/treat/whatever but its not like there after 25 other toys we havent yet taken away. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/decoding-a-3-year-olds-tantrums#post-2697616 Tue, 14 Feb 2017 13:10:54 +0000 Freckles 2697616@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Every kid is different, and some will say to ignore them, but that only makes it 1000x worse for my DD. </p> <p>One time she was a mess, like screaming at me, stamping her foot, giving me this defiant smack talk. Didn't matter what i said, she was out of control. I told her that if she's upset, she can do it in her room but that this behaviour is unacceptable and disrespectful. She continued so i picked her up, carried her to her room and sat her on the bed. I told her she can come down when she has calmed down. I did this two days in a row (it was a really rough month) and i think the next time it happened she told me she is going to her room to rest. I only started doing this after 2 weeks of emotional whiplash.</p> <p>She also does the "i want a hug!" as reassurance but it really depends on the situation. We will do it once but if she is still upset i'll tell her that i will wait until she has calmed down. When i give her a hug i will tell her that i love her but i don't like her behaviour. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/decoding-a-3-year-olds-tantrums#post-2697615 Tue, 14 Feb 2017 13:09:28 +0000 Grace 2697615@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>So, your no 2 scenario happens with my LO a lot. I still give her the hug. The punishment is taking away the toy, not refusing of comfort. I figure it's a big deal for her to be repremanded and she's very much still learning how to deal with her emotions (which are very big). The hug is helping her deal with that. It doesn't change the punishment - the taking away of the toy, or whatever.<br /> The no 1 scenario is harder. I don't bother trying to talk to her when she's like that. I ignore the tantrum (like you do). When she's done, we do hugs, calm down and then we talk. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/decoding-a-3-year-olds-tantrums#post-2697608 Tue, 14 Feb 2017 13:01:46 +0000 Mrs D 2697608@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Emsmems: Thank you! I try my hardest to get DH to be consistent with me but unfortunately he is just a bit more of a push over - so she gets to him more. Its a constant struggle. The good thing is that I am the on parent 80% of the time...so its a pretty consistent front. Just lands us with more back and forth between mommy and daddy - which I also despise! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/decoding-a-3-year-olds-tantrums#post-2697601 Tue, 14 Feb 2017 12:50:09 +0000 Emsmems 2697601@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>For my son, it's all about testing the limits. If I act this way will she give in? If I do this will she give in? And with consistency, the fit stops all together. I usually just let him have a fit and figure it out. If he gets destructive, he goes to his room. We (both) have to take a couple deep breaths and talk about what the better choice is for next time before we move on. I'm interested to hear what others say, but for us, consistency is the biggest thing! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/decoding-a-3-year-olds-tantrums#post-2697596 Tue, 14 Feb 2017 12:44:37 +0000 Mrs D 2697596@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Looking for some input here on some recent trends on DDs (3.5) behavior. She's in full on trying threes behavior!</p> <p>1) When she goes off the rails I try to calmly talk to her but its as though she cant hear me through the madness. I will calmly try to explain to her what she has done wrong, what the "punishment" is and what she should do next time instead. Sometimes she comes out of it ok - then other times its like she is not hearing me at all. Just a complete mess. Do you just let them go completely all out tantrum until they come out of it on their own? She gets "destructive" sometimes so I default to "go sit on the step or go sit in your room until you calm down" but that just seems to set her off further. When she is in a fit I worry she will inadvertently cause "harm" to my LO (DD2 is 11 mos) - hence wanting to remove her from the situation but the step and bedroom suggestion always seem to make things spiral worse. Is this just a phase? Is there a way you have found the help them grow through this? I know her little emotions are all over the board I'm just at a loss.</p> <p>2) Sometimes when she doesn fly completely off the rails (a la #1 above) she will get all sad and demand a hug, or kiss, or cuddle. I know its that she doesnt like the tone of the reprimanding and when it started I would counter it by "no, Mommy isnt going to hug you now (because I dont want to her be rewarded for bad behavior)but just because mommy takes away XYZ toy/privilege doesnt mean I dont love you any less it just means you were misbehaving by doing XYZ". But its like she doesnt even hear me. And then will sometimes slide into full melt down (see #1 above). It seems like such a double edged sword - if I give in she is getting 'rewarded' for bad behavior and if I dont I may be causing a further meltdown.</p> <p>Any advice from those who have been or are in the trenches?!?! </p>