https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Thu, 14 May 2026 09:36:26 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/defeatist-kid-ways-to-help#post-2918136 Tue, 11 Aug 2020 13:00:24 +0000 Chuckles 2918136@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@meganmp: I'm definitely going to try the game where we mess up on purpose and cheer :) That's a great idea! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/defeatist-kid-ways-to-help#post-2918135 Tue, 11 Aug 2020 12:58:46 +0000 Chuckles 2918135@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I love all the suggestions and ideas on here! I'm definitely going to be looking for some of these books and trying things out. My 7yo is very similar. A lot of learning comes easily to him, so he gets very uncomfortable when he can't do something right away. And like @Mrs. Carrot: , I have no idea where this comes from, based on our personalities and parenting style. He got a keyboard for his birthday and really enjoyed creating his own music on it (basically banging out different notes), but he refuses to take lessons. He keeps saying that he doesn't know how to play, and I'm like, yup, that's why we have lessons :) One thing that has helped a tiny bit with schoolwork is emphasizing that of course he doesn't know something yet. If he was in first grade and knew all the things already, he wouldn't be in first grade! And then we talk about how silly that is.<br /> I do wonder if part of it is that we give him a lot of praise and he spends a lot of time with my parents, who give him tons of praise for every little thing. He has low muscle tone and will still be like, I'm super strong! And I don't really want to be like, not really, but I also feel like we're feeding into this idea that it's okay to think you're great at everything if I say, "whoa, you're so strong!" I've started saying things like, you're even stronger than yesterday because we did all those exercises, or something along those lines. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/defeatist-kid-ways-to-help#post-2918132 Tue, 11 Aug 2020 11:35:03 +0000 lindseykaye 2918132@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Becky: It was not an easy decision, especially during a pandemic when were trying to limit the people we see, but we felt like it really reached a point of being past what we could do as a family.</p> <p>One of the most helpful things is that she is talking to and learning tools from someone who is NOT mom or dad. She made wonderful improvements on regulating her emotions or reactions through socialization in school and with the help of her teachers, but then we reached a wall in progress there too and thought - she needs tools and skills to cope regardless of her surroundings. The medication almost immediately helped with outbursts and reactions, the therapy is helping her understand how her feelings and brain and body work together and how to identify and redirect when her anxiety is the loudest voice.</p> <p>@mdf106: My LO struggled to learn to read and write too, she was so down on herself about even the possibility of making a mistake or not getting it right away. She does not yet ride a bike, tie laced shoes, and has a lot of food aversions too (which I have posted about before and we are hoping will eventually improve along these lines). We also avoid situations where there is a winner/loser and make a lot of games collaborative instead of competitive - that’s helped a lot.</p> <p>@meganmp: Love LOVE that commercial. DH and I were gifted kids, we know this well. DH grew out of his “sore loser” tendencies, I eventually sought therapy and put in a lot of work during and after college. It would have been so wonderful to have a teacher in our younger years with your perspective! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/defeatist-kid-ways-to-help#post-2918127 Tue, 11 Aug 2020 08:40:08 +0000 Mrs. Carrot 2918127@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Love love these ideas, thank you all so much! We're big readers so will definitely incorporate these books into our rotation and I really love the additional reinforcements you all offered, thank you! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/defeatist-kid-ways-to-help#post-2918125 Mon, 10 Aug 2020 21:23:15 +0000 peaches1038 2918125@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My son is almost 5 and has these tendencies as well. We read A LOT of growth mindset books. We have Beautiful Oops, Ish, The Dot, The Magical Yet, The Thing Lou Couldn’t Do, The Most Magnificent Thing, I Can Do Hard Things, After The Fall, Jabari Jumps. We might have more but that’s what I can think of off the top of my head. We also talk frequently about how our brains are muscles and trying hard things and making mistakes helps our brains get stronger and stronger. That really seems to resonate with him. I am like this and it really worries me that he is showing these traits as well. Which is something I talk about with my therapist. I find if I am regulated, it helps me to help him </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/defeatist-kid-ways-to-help#post-2918123 Mon, 10 Aug 2020 21:06:22 +0000 meganmp 2918123@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I teach gifted kids and perfectionism is quite common with them. I show them this video every year:<br /> <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Ult4t-1NoQ" rel="nofollow">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Ult4t-1NoQ</a></p> <p>We talk about how the kids keep getting back up, no matter what. The theme of the video is geared at moms (and makes me cry EVERY SINGLE TIME I WATCH IT) but it works.</p> <p>I also play games all year long where, when they mess up, everyone yells, "YAY!" It's silly games like passing a ball around or copying something someone is doing that gets increasingly faster. In my math class I train them to, when they make a mistake and figure it out, they yell (arms up in the air), "I learned!" </p> <p>Little things, yes, but it seems to help. It takes some of them all year to get to the point where they are willing to make mistakes in front of others. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/defeatist-kid-ways-to-help#post-2918121 Mon, 10 Aug 2020 19:36:02 +0000 erinbaderin 2918121@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@hummusgirl: We actually have this book, thanks for reminding me! I’ll pull it out. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/defeatist-kid-ways-to-help#post-2918118 Mon, 10 Aug 2020 16:00:53 +0000 mdf106 2918118@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My 7 year old is like this, and he is not a high achiever. He actually had a lot of trouble learning to read because he refused to practice because it is hard. What helps him is spending a small amount of time every day on something challenging, and set things up to avoid failure. He learned how to ride his bike by practicing for five minutes a day almost every day. I have also found avoiding situations where he has an opportunity to lose to be helpful. I can't quiz him on spelling words, just have him repeat them over and over again.</p> <p>I like the book Rosie Revere, Engineer for this. I also like the Zoey and Sassafras books, which are more subtle, but go through the scientific method which inherently involves a lot of failure.</p> <p>He definitely gets this from me, I won't play certain games with my husband because he always wins. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/defeatist-kid-ways-to-help#post-2918117 Mon, 10 Aug 2020 15:39:06 +0000 Becky 2918117@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@lindseykaye: My daughter still has big outbursts and is a sore loser, and I have recognized due to a few other things with her behavior and reactions that she has anxiety. I have considered pursuing therapy and am so encouraged to hear it worked well for you! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/defeatist-kid-ways-to-help#post-2918115 Mon, 10 Aug 2020 14:30:25 +0000 lindseykaye 2918115@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This is something my 7yo girl has struggled with for many years. So much of what everyone has written so far rings true for her, and our family and parenting style. I grew up exactly like this and DH, while far less a perfectionist, was a ‘sore loser’ for a long time when it comes to games or sports. We were intentional about emphasizing the process, learning, effort, and having fun (vs. winning or a final outcome). But she just wasn’t outgrowing it or improving her resilience no matter what we tried.</p> <p>We ended up making the decision earlier this year to pursue counseling to help with her anxiety, which we realized was a major source of her outward struggles. I didn’t find anything on here about it when we were starting this process, but we also (with the guidance of her pediatrician obviously) started her on medication that has drastically improved things. It’s a difference of having an outburst/crying daily about these kids of things, to only once every few weeks. We have a long way to go but are so pleased and encouraged by just a few months of treatment.</p> <p>Books are an amazing way for kids to connect and get conversations started. And there are so many resources for how to navigate perspective in parenting and communicate with kids about perfection vs. progress and the like. I just wanted to offer my perspective, and am happy to talk more about it with anyone whose LO may also be struggling in ways that feel outside the scope of what a parent can help with. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/defeatist-kid-ways-to-help#post-2918114 Mon, 10 Aug 2020 14:20:09 +0000 caitcat 2918114@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@hummusgirl: We just got this book! I love it! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/defeatist-kid-ways-to-help#post-2918110 Mon, 10 Aug 2020 12:58:22 +0000 hummusgirl 2918110@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@erinbaderin: There's a great book called "Ish" that's about exactly this that my kids love. <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Ish-Creatrilogy-Peter-H-Reynolds/dp/076362344X/ref=asc_df_076362344X/?tag=hyprod-20&#038;linkCode=df0&#038;hvadid=312735752321&#038;hvpos=&#038;hvnetw=g&#038;hvrand=8317933259534180668&#038;hvpone=&#038;hvptwo=&#038;hvqmt=&#038;hvdev=c&#038;hvdvcmdl=&#038;hvlocint=&#038;hvlocphy=9028277&#038;hvtargid=pla-540841336043&#038;psc=1&#038;tag=&#038;ref=&#038;adgrpid=69091066224&#038;hvpone=&#038;hvptwo=&#038;hvadid=312735752321&#038;hvpos=&#038;hvnetw=g&#038;hvrand=8317933259534180668&#038;hvqmt=&#038;hvdev=c&#038;hvdvcmdl=&#038;hvlocint=&#038;hvlocphy=9028277&#038;hvtargid=pla-540841336043" rel="nofollow">https://www.amazon.com/Ish-Creatrilogy-Peter-H-Reynolds/dp/076362344X/ref=asc_df_076362344X/?tag=hyprod-20&#038;linkCode=df0&#038;hvadid=312735752321&#038;hvpos=&#038;hvnetw=g&#038;hvrand=8317933259534180668&#038;hvpone=&#038;hvptwo=&#038;hvqmt=&#038;hvdev=c&#038;hvdvcmdl=&#038;hvlocint=&#038;hvlocphy=9028277&#038;hvtargid=pla-540841336043&#038;psc=1&#038;tag=&#038;ref=&#038;adgrpid=69091066224&#038;hvpone=&#038;hvptwo=&#038;hvadid=312735752321&#038;hvpos=&#038;hvnetw=g&#038;hvrand=8317933259534180668&#038;hvqmt=&#038;hvdev=c&#038;hvdvcmdl=&#038;hvlocint=&#038;hvlocphy=9028277&#038;hvtargid=pla-540841336043</a></p> <p>We also like the Big Life podcast. There's a journal too but we haven't gotten that. </p> <p>I feel your pain - we have similar struggles here too. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/defeatist-kid-ways-to-help#post-2918106 Mon, 10 Aug 2020 12:39:26 +0000 bhbee 2918106@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This rings really familiar for my now 3rd grader, although it is improving. I think this is a relatively common problem for kids that are doing quite well at school - if most things come easily, it teaches you that you should just be good at everything without trying and when you’re not, meltdown. Couple that with only/oldest children who tend to be more cautious, which is what we have here too, it just gets worse. My oldest just learned to ride a bike this summer at 8.5. I think the only reason it really happened was she got to the age where it was a bit embarrassing that she couldn’t do it and all her friends could. I think that process really helped her though, watching herself persevere. I’ve also started pushing her a lot more at school since the pandemic - adding to their (very minimal) work in the spring and doing learning challenges all summer where they can earn little rewards. There have been tears and frustration for sure, but the exercise is the important thing (she had been quite happy learning little at school but always knowing the answers!). She was crying this morning about some fractions work, so we talked about strategies (take a break, short or long; collect yourself and push through, write down what things you do know, etc). Then I gave her space because I needed to do something else and I came back and it was done! Doesn’t always end like that but I think giving her options and then letting her handle it worked well. We also talk a lot about how your brain needs to lift weights to be strong - that’s what is happening when things feel hard, your brain is building its muscles. My 5 year old especially likes that one. He’s learning to read and we always lift pretend weights when he’s done with a lesson :happy: For my 8 year old another thing that has really resonated with her is talking about how learning isn’t linear. You don’t necessarily make even steps toward a goal with every practice of something new; it’s more that you try and don’t get it over and over and then all the sudden it clicks and all that practice adds up to success. That was very true with riding a bike. We’re always looking back and discussing past examples of how she persevered also. I’m sure part of it also is that every year of age it gets easier but it’s so important to me to work on this as I felt like I didn’t learn much perseverance until college. Of course that’s not going to zap all the perfectionist tendencies but I think it helps. </p> <p>Sorry for the mega ramble and I’m sure you do some of this already! It’s a hard one when everything ends in tears so good work keeping at it! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/defeatist-kid-ways-to-help#post-2918105 Mon, 10 Aug 2020 12:35:27 +0000 erinbaderin 2918105@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Following - my son is only 4 but he's like this. I can't even count how many colouring pages and drawings he's crumpled and ripped up because he didn't do it perfectly, and he frequently tells me he's not very good at things. It makes me feel so terrible for him but I don't know how to manage it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/defeatist-kid-ways-to-help#post-2918100 Mon, 10 Aug 2020 10:10:29 +0000 MrsSRS 2918100@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>DS really resonated with the character in Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs whose inventions often don't work on the first try. We use that as a springboard to talk about failure sparking creativity and ingenuity. We also set expectations, "I don't expect you to do this perfectly but I do expect you to try with a good attitude/it's ok to be frustrated when things are hard but you can do hard things and I expect you to calm your body and try again." </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/defeatist-kid-ways-to-help#post-2918099 Mon, 10 Aug 2020 10:05:15 +0000 hitchhiker 2918099@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>The book "A Beautiful Oops" resonated well with my 7 year old on this topic. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/defeatist-kid-ways-to-help#post-2918098 Mon, 10 Aug 2020 09:58:49 +0000 Mrs. Carrot 2918098@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@catgirl: I'll check this out, thanks! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/defeatist-kid-ways-to-help#post-2918097 Mon, 10 Aug 2020 09:58:42 +0000 Mrs. Carrot 2918097@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@caitcat: thanks for sharing this! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/defeatist-kid-ways-to-help#post-2918093 Mon, 10 Aug 2020 08:55:14 +0000 caitcat 2918093@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My daughter is a little younger too, but what your wrote sounds so, so familiar. It’s hard as a parent who doesn’t identify with the perfectionism - and especially when you worry about what it could look like down the road. </p> <p>I read this article the other day and found it helpful for some strategies and perspective: <a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/on-parenting/my-6-year-old-gives-up-at-the-first-sign-of-adversity-how-can-i-help-him-persevere/2020/07/28/0f2abc66-c894-11ea-a99f-3bbdffb1af38_story.html" rel="nofollow">https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/on-parenting/my-6-year-old-gives-up-at-the-first-sign-of-adversity-how-can-i-help-him-persevere/2020/07/28/0f2abc66-c894-11ea-a99f-3bbdffb1af38_story.html</a> </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/defeatist-kid-ways-to-help#post-2918086 Mon, 10 Aug 2020 07:00:04 +0000 catgirl 2918086@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My DD is a bit younger (5.5) but she is very similar. We have found this book to be very helpful:<br /> <a href="https://akidsbookabout.com/products/a-kids-book-about-failure" rel="nofollow">https://akidsbookabout.com/products/a-kids-book-about-failure</a></p> <p>We actually have quite a few books from them and they are all good at starting a conversation. And serve as a good reference to bring up when needed. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/defeatist-kid-ways-to-help#post-2918085 Mon, 10 Aug 2020 06:44:36 +0000 Mrs. Carrot 2918085@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm struggling on how to help my 7 year old (rising 2nd grader) manage challenges. Whenever she hits a challenge (something that's hard or new to her) she tends to melt down in frustration rather than try to solve the problem or avoids doing it or says she needs to do it "perfectly" and then gets dramatic about it. Some examples: </p> <p>-melts down over something not coming easily (crying, stomping, etc. - this especially tends to happen if she's losing at a game or can't seem to do something easily like combing tangles out of her hair)<br /> -she avoids doing the task at all if she perceives it too hard or she might get it "wrong" (e.g. riding a two wheeler, writing a note to someone because she might misspell a word)<br /> -overdramatizes doing it "perfectly" (e.g. she exaggerates taekwondo moves that she isn't familiar with because they have to be "perfect," she takes forever to draw out a letter when writing because it has to be just right) </p> <p>I am a very growth-mindset-oriented parent (heck, I teach grown-ups on the topic) so we've always praised effort, and always talk about continuing to try, step away and look at a problem another way, ask for help, that it's ok to make mistakes, etc., but it doesn't seem to be working. I'm really at a loss where this is coming from because neither DH nor I are perfectionists, we never articulated that she has to excel, etc. and we're big on praise for effort, trying your best, etc, so I'm really not sure what else to try. She's an only child, and she's a pretty quick and advanced learner who's been at the top of her classes so far (and will be in a couple advanced placement groups in the coming year) so maybe she internalized something at school but I am really concerned about her becoming an overachiever and succumbing to stress as she gets older. </p> <p>Any tips, good books, etc that you might recommend that I can utilize? Many thanks! </p>