https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Sun, 26 Apr 2026 01:25:59 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/depression-2#post-2807404 Sat, 03 Mar 2018 09:48:35 +0000 anonymous1 2807404@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@lamariniere: I totally agree. Of course, then we will have a good day or few days where things seem pretty normal and I second guess myself. But I will call the PCP. Thanks :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/depression-2#post-2807379 Sat, 03 Mar 2018 02:26:25 +0000 lamariniere 2807379@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@anonymous1: I’m no professional, but I personally have a lot of anxiety that comes and goes, and I was also recently diagnosed with panic disorder. Luckily, I am able to manage both fairly well the vast majority of the time and I’m fully hands on in life. Whatever your DH is dealing with, it’s preventing him from really participating in life, and I think that’s the tell tell sign that it’s more than just situational stress. And like I originally said, your post really raised alarm bells, reminding me how my depressed parent was. Like @gingerbebe: I saw what severe depression did to my parent, and when I finally noticed/suspected things were off with me, I sought help. My DH has also been very supportive and encouraged me from the beginning to see a therapist. If you haven’t done it yet, I would contact the PCP and urge them to discuss mental health with your DH when he’s in for his appointment. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/depression-2#post-2807362 Fri, 02 Mar 2018 21:47:37 +0000 anonymous1 2807362@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@gingerbebe: This is incredible. Thank you so much for your response. It really helps me to see what has worked for you in a similar situation. Your husband sounds wonderful. I can only hope that I can be as empathetic and gentle as he sounds.</p> <p>I finally broached the topic with my DH. He said he doesn't feel depressed, just stressed about life, which is what I expected. I mentioned anxiety but didn't get much of a response. I don't think convincing him to talk to a professional will be a quick process, but we have to start somewhere. He has a PCP physical coming up and I'm hoping I can at least convince him to ask the PCP about anxiety/depression vs. situational stress and see if maybe talking to someone else will help. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/depression-2#post-2806459 Tue, 27 Feb 2018 01:51:53 +0000 gingerbebe 2806459@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Thanks everyone. @irene: Thanks. The positive side of being an anxious person is that we tend to be very detail oriented people. I always tell my husband the anxiety is the toll we pay for having a brain that can constantly multitask and juggle a zillion details and remember everything. So I can keep track of virtually everything, but DH has to be the brake and get me to take things OFF my plate so there is less for me to have to manage and thus get anxious about. The depression is something I have a predilection for - my case is not a constant thing where I’m on drugs all the time. I don’t hesitate to take them when I need them, but I’ve managed most of the time without them for most of my adult life. I feel great right now!</p> <p>@crazydoglady: my parents are immigrants and most likely have severe undiagnosed and untreated mental illness. I’m certain I get my anxiety from my mother and depression and obsessive/addictive behavior from my dad. It’s part of why DH and I are so proactive and why I’m DETERMINED to keep my imbalances in check - because my parents inflicted a lot of pain and suffering on my brother and I due to their problems that are unfortunately still ongoing. I would never want to do that to my kids or have the kind of miserable marriage my parents have. I’m committed to breaking the chain of abuse and untreated mental illness and I already know my oldest has my introverted and anxious disposition and we monitor him very closely for it. Know better, do better. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/depression-2#post-2806432 Mon, 26 Feb 2018 21:04:19 +0000 Littlebit7 2806432@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@gingerbebe: your post made me tear up a bit as well. For better and for worse. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/depression-2#post-2806428 Mon, 26 Feb 2018 20:54:50 +0000 crazydoglady 2806428@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@gingerbebe: As a person who deals with anxiety and depression (it runs rampant in my family and my mom has bipolar) your post made me tear up a bit. Not only is your husband amazing for his empathy, you are amazing as well because you desire the help needed to be the best and healthiest version of yourself, and you two are even better together. Thank you for sharing this. :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/depression-2#post-2806421 Mon, 26 Feb 2018 20:46:10 +0000 irene 2806421@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@gingerbebe: Holy smokes. You won the husband jackpot. Congratulations. He must be a really amazing father as well. Are you doing better? I couldn't tell from your posts that you were unwell, you always seem to be a busy hands-on mama. Sending warm wishes...</p> <p>I have no advice, I am dealing with my own version of battles. Hugs to all of you for going through such difficult times and I hope the light is at the end of the tunnel real soon...@anonymous1: At least your DH is willing to try out professional help! xoxoxo </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/depression-2#post-2806289 Mon, 26 Feb 2018 13:34:41 +0000 gingerbebe 2806289@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm the one who has struggled with anxiety and depression in my marriage. I struggled with depression and anxiety before we met, got it under control for the most part, but then had horrible depression after my brain tumor recovery, crippling PPA/PPD after our first child was born, and had a second round of less severe PPA/PPD with our second. </p> <p>From my perspective, I know there have been periods where my husband has carried a tremendous load for our family. There have literally been weeks where I could barely get out of the bed and shower, all the while loathing myself and feeling like a complete waste of space and a failure. I have said terrible things about myself, etc.</p> <p>My husband has been resolutely committed through the entire process and has always approached the situation extremely logically and patiently with me, and without any kind of judgement. His speeches are always pretty much the same:</p> <p>1. I love you. You do not have to change anything external about your life. You don't need to be prettier, you don't need to be more successful, you don't need to appear to be anything. You are wonderful just the way you.</p> <p>2. But you're suffering from a chemical imbalance that is not your fault and not in your control. Your brain is not producing enough of the right chemicals to make you feel right and perceive the world correctly. Do not make this bigger than it is. If you had an iron deficiency, you would take iron supplements. If you were a diabetic, you would take insulin. If you lack serotonin, let's get you some. </p> <p>3. The longer you let your imbalance go untreated, the more lasting psychological damage and trauma you are inflicting on yourself, which will make recovery that much harder and will make future bouts of depression and anxiety harder to deal with. Any time I'd talk badly about myself he'd say "No, that's just not reality - that is the chemical imbalance making you feel that way. The sky is not purple, it is blue."</p> <p>4. What can we do to set you up for success? Can we come up with a list of a few things you can do today so you feel good? Can you shower, put on clean clothes, take your vitamins, and will you go on a walk with me? Let's do that.</p> <p>5. Thank you for loving yourself and our family enough to do the hard work it takes to get your imbalance straightened out. If you feel guilty or sad or overwhelmed by the process of getting better, let's call in the experts and learn new tools to get this sorted out. You're not alone.</p> <p>6. How are you feeling today? Checking in day by day, a few times a day, and giving me an opportunity to voice my state of mind really helped. Now I know to go to him and say "hey, I'm starting to feel anxious" or "I feel really tired and don't want to get out of bed" because then I know he'll monitor me and help me avoid certain triggers or do things to be healthy. </p> <p>When I would be completely zoned out in bed exhausted, DH would allow me to mooch to a certain extent, but with kids its not really possible to do it hardcore. Instead, he would just come in and ask me for help. "Could you help me bathe the kids? Could you help with watching the kids for a second so I can take this phone call?" He would ASK in a very calm gentle voice and the ask would always be discrete tasks so they seemed doable and could get me to drag myself out of bed. We also assigned chores and tasks to each other so that we each always knew what had to get done. And when it came to my chores related to the kids, I did force myself up to do them (like, DH couldn't pump breastmilk or whatever). Our meals might be minimal, but DH can't cook so I always did that and packed lunches for the kids. And again, I could at least go back to laying down feeling SOMEWHAT accomplished if my kids had meals and clean clothes, even if I looked like hell and the house was a dump. And we basically made a rule that we always got up in the morning at the same time as a family and each of us took a kid to get ready for the day in the morning and each of us put one kid to bed each night so that it was fair.</p> <p>But like PPs have said, I really was DETERMINED to get better. Part of this is self-will and part of this is because of DH's commitment to me over the years where I do not want to fail him or our family - its not fair to them. So I do everything I can to PREVENT these periods from happening and then get the drugs and help I need to get out of them when they occur. We are careful not to overschedule me, to make sure I get enough rest, that I get alone time (I'm an introvert), that I get the food and exercise and supplements I need to feel my best, etc. DH basically puts no limits on expenses or help or whatever I need if it comes to me feeling good and I do not take that for granted. But the person suffering from the disease has to want it. Your husband needs to get over his ego and realize HE is standing in the way of his and your family's best life. Its his choice. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/depression-2#post-2806141 Sun, 25 Feb 2018 10:11:29 +0000 anonymous1 2806141@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@lamariniere: I'm not sure. Obviously we need to talk more. Communication lately has been pretty minimal. :(</p> <p>@nutmeg36: Hugs to you. This is hard stuff. I think right now my self care is going to be finding my own therapist to talk to. I haven't talked to anyone about this in real life and it's starting to wear on me. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/depression-2#post-2806096 Sat, 24 Feb 2018 20:17:26 +0000 smuckers 2806096@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm so so sorry to hear that you are going through this. My husband is currently in therapy and taking meds for depression as well, and it is definitely hard. </p> <p>I don't have any advice to offer, other than please please be sure to make sure you have some self-care built into your schedule, whatever it is you choose to do. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/depression-2#post-2806095 Sat, 24 Feb 2018 20:15:23 +0000 lamariniere 2806095@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@anonymous1: can he at least admit that feeling like that is not normal? If he’s in denial about having some kind of mood disorder, it may be harder for him to realize that those types of feelings are not normal. I can totally understand your fed up feelings. But you also do seem willing to help and support him through this. So many people are embarrased or ashamed of being diagnosed with mental illness, but help is available and I think many people need a push in that direction. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/depression-2#post-2806094 Sat, 24 Feb 2018 19:53:07 +0000 anonymous1 2806094@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@lamariniere: Thanks. :heart: And to reply to your other comment, the hardest part about having this discussion is that bringing it up will almost certainly lead to more "I'm failing, I can't do anything right, I can't even do being happy right" kind of talk. Which I probably should be more empathetic about, but is just kind of driving me nuts. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/depression-2#post-2806092 Sat, 24 Feb 2018 19:47:57 +0000 lamariniere 2806092@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@anonymous1: glad to see you’ve arranged a PCP visit. That’s a great first step. Please also remember that this isn’t your fault and you can only do so much to help him. It’s so hard living with someone who is in the depths of depression, and even with treatment it can take a long time for that person to start to feel and act like themselves again. I really hope you and your DH get the help he needs and that the cloud begins to lift. :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/depression-2#post-2806089 Sat, 24 Feb 2018 19:11:29 +0000 anonymous1 2806089@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@youboots: Definitely slowly downhill. I think, as Amorini said, he's always been somewhat depressed. But life/kids/moving away from family/etc has probably all contributed to making it worse lately. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/depression-2#post-2806078 Sat, 24 Feb 2018 17:25:04 +0000 youboots 2806078@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Good for you for being able to ask for help/advice. Being a partner to someone who is depressed and acting this way must be exausting. I agree this is beyond you. He needs professional help and may need medication. I think an ultimatum is ok- it sucks but this is where you are at. </p> <p>When did this start? Has it slowly gone downhill or was it sudden?</p> <p>I’ve been seeing a therapist for almost 4 years, I was at risk for PPD and PPA. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/depression-2#post-2806016 Sat, 24 Feb 2018 09:49:33 +0000 anonymous1 2806016@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@LCTBQE: Thanks. I've already gotten him to agree to a PCP visit for a general physical, bloodwork, etc. So I'm going to start there. </p> <p>@Amorini: I'm sorry to hear that you're going through something similar. It took me a long time to realize I was probably looking at depression too. I think the only thing that would work is what you did-basically make it clear that our marriage is on the line. I hate feeling like I'm making an ultimatum, but it is also the truth. </p> <p>How did you go about finding an LMFT? I feel like if I can even convince him to go, I need to make sure I find one that is a good fit right off the bat, otherwise things may end up worse and with more resistance. </p> <p>And yes, I plan to start seeing someone as well. I definitely need help sorting through all of this as lately I've been feeling like I can't remember who I am with all of this going on. :( Thanks for writing. It really is helpful. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/depression-2#post-2806002 Sat, 24 Feb 2018 03:58:19 +0000 Amorini 2806002@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@anonymous1: Sorry to hear this. It sounds a lot like what I am dealing with and I understand the feelings on your side all too well. I didn’t recognize it as depression until recently (and with professional help) because depression manifests in men so differently, but of course, hindsight is 20/20 and I think he’s probably been at least mildly depressed even from the get go.</p> <p>What @LCTBQE: said about professional help and meds.... This is beyond you. Trying to manage it on my own without even some help was maddening, pure and simple. All of his negative self-talk and heavy mood and apathy really wears on me. I grew up with my mom having undealt-with mental health issues, so with the birth of DS, it’s really hastened my insistence to draw the line in the sand and stop the insanity. Basically I made it clear that our marriage was going to end if he didn’t go to therapy. Even still, he finally agreed to it when I approached it from the angle of “couples counseling” or “marriage counseling,” saying I needed it for the two of us. </p> <p>We are just at the beginning of getting help, so I don’t have any miraculous story to share. Basically at this point, our LMFT has told me in a one-on-one session that she thinks he is either depressed or BP and wants to refer him for evaluation. It’s taken us almost 10 years to get to this point so the idea of getting him to a psychiatrist for an evaluation and on medication is kind of baffling right now. </p> <p>So how “done” are you? You have to figure out if you’re committed to trying to figure it out with him, assuming he is committed to mental health (or might be soon convinced of it). For me, I need to stick in there and give him a chance and our marriage a chance, so I’m here for now. It’s not pretty, but it’s doable because I see some effort on his end. I can’t foresee if my husband will get all of the help he needs, so the future of us is uncertain. But basically I will continue to stay if he’s going to sessions, getting help and if our family environment is positive for DS.</p> <p>Recently my BF took the other path and divorced her husband. Even though they and he were working on his mental health, she was totally over it. So there’s that choice, too. I kind of have a first hand look at what the leaving looks like and I’m not there.</p> <p>I’ve kind of rambled but I hope that hearing another similar experience opens up something for you. Almost undoubtedly you would benefit from some therapy too, just because what you have been dealing with. If he won’t go, you should go just to have someone help you navigate this. :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/depression-2#post-2805999 Sat, 24 Feb 2018 00:41:45 +0000 LCTBQE 2805999@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>The right answer to this is professional help, almost certainly combined with medication. Not “believing in it” is an ego-driven choice at the expense of you, your marriage, and your kid. It’s not like believing in mowing your own lawn or voting for your party. He needs help and you cannot be the one to save him. You can be the one to support him, but not cheerlead him into being a different person—that doesn’t work. I’m so sorry it is this hard, and I don’t know how you can get him to go to counseling or get medicated, but it sounds like that’s what’s needed. Certainly it will take a lot more than a couple of casual mentions for real change :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/depression-2#post-2805996 Fri, 23 Feb 2018 23:34:08 +0000 anonymous1 2805996@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm really struggling, and have been for a while, to deal with what I think is my husband's depression. I've been thinking a lot about whether staying with him is the right answer, so this is serious. I sat down today after a particularly frustrating morning and wrote down pros and cons of our relationship to just try to sort some things out in my own head. I am realizing that I think most of the cons are directly related to what appears to be depression.</p> <p>My biggest concerns:<br /> -Zero self esteem, comments regularly that "everything I touch breaks/is ruined." Believes everything he does is wrong and that he is a total failure. This is both horribly sad and also incredibly aggravating. It basically puts me in a position where I can't ever comment on anything or discuss anything that I want to change-it is always taken personally and I'm blamed for "being mad."<br /> -No communication. If I try to talk about anything, I'm just "always mad" and the discussion ends there. Full disclosure, while I don't feel mad all the time, I am often frustrated because of the whole situation.<br /> -Apathetic. Tired ALL.THE.TIME. Unmotivated to do anything around the house or property. However, perfectly happy to go away for a weekend to help his mom with her property.<br /> -Needs endless sleep. We have a toddler, but she sleeps fairly well at this point and I just don't know how much more sleep he can get. He is always exhausted, to the point that he isn't interested in doing much when he's not working.</p> <p>I've casually mentioned therapy a couple of times and basically he doesn't believe in it. He might be willing to take medication, but I doubt it. And either way, that would involve talking to someone about it.</p> <p>Anyone with similar experiences? I'm not sure what I'm looking for here, just feeling lost and not sure what the right answer is. </p>