https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Sat, 18 Apr 2026 09:58:31 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-is-traveling-and-all-i-feel-is-resentment/page/2#post-2873568 Fri, 22 Feb 2019 20:43:49 +0000 Foodnerd81 2873568@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Sketchbook: I like the idea of instead of earmarking money for her own trip, using money to make the week of solo parenting easier. Not the same but my DH travels for work frequently. The way I figure, he saves money on meals because the company pays for all that, so I give myself permission to pay for things that make life easier- good delivery, a babysitter or mother’s helper for an afternoon, even just using paper plates instead of doing dishes. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-is-traveling-and-all-i-feel-is-resentment#post-2873518 Fri, 22 Feb 2019 13:08:31 +0000 Mrsbells 2873518@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@CatchAFallingStar: I haven't read all the posts but I feel like you have every right to be upset and feel resentful especially since you tried communicating your feelings and he doesnt seem to want to get it from your point of view </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-is-traveling-and-all-i-feel-is-resentment#post-2873465 Fri, 22 Feb 2019 09:08:03 +0000 Mrs. Sketchbook 2873465@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This post is so old! Maybe the trip has already occurred! But for some reason I am compelled to add on to it. Although the brother is supposed to pay for it all, I'm sure there will be incidentals that your husband will feel compelled to pay for. I would set a budget for those incidentals, and then give you an equivalent budget for your own use. If he's planning to spend $600 on dinner museum tickets drinks etc, just think of what you could do with that same amount of money. No not a trip to Europe, but you can do two nights at a really nice hotel! Or you could use it to make your week at home really easy and have dinner delivered and have someone come to clean your house midweek. or you could put it in the bank toward that dream Europe vacation that you want to take as a couple. A friend of my husband's offered to take him on a business trip. the friend works for a brewery so the business trip was basically just traveling to a bunch of breweries and drinking for a week straight. Although the friend said he could expense their travel and hotel costs, my husband would still have to pay for dinner and other entertainment. We figured he would spend about $700 dollars. I knew we could not afford for each of us to blow $700. So my husband declined the offer and we use the $700 toward a beach condo. we cooked our own meals for the most part and I think we managed to spend about $1000 for a week's family vacation. The wife of the friend who made the offer was shocked that we would turn it down. But at the time we were not in a place where each of us could treat ourselves, much less still have enough money left over to do a vacation as a family. So it only made sense for us to use the money that we had toward a family trip. If we had been in the position to be able to both treat ourselves and still have a family vacation then I would have been ok with him going. The wife accused me of being controlling. but at the time we really did not have any spare money and it would have meant no family vacation that year for him to go and that just wasn't acceptable to either of us. Plus it would have meant me not going on any sort of real vacation for 2 years. Ialso think it was really nice of you to buy him the travel book but I would not try to make up for your feelings anymore because they are natural and valid. rather than try to smooth things over with your husband I would spend my extra energy focusing on how to make your week at home as good as it can be under the circumstances. surely your husband can give up one fancy meal or a round of drinks so that you can have food delivered to the house or have someone clean for paid for after school care, or a mother's helper, for something like that? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-is-traveling-and-all-i-feel-is-resentment#post-2872034 Thu, 14 Feb 2019 11:25:29 +0000 PurplePumps 2872034@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>A lot of you guys are saying you do your own trips, and he should get to do this, etc... but you guys seem to be talking about "regular" trips to see your friends somewhere within the states/Canada. Or just regular trip experiences you guys can/will do. This is not nearly the same or about doing his own thing. He is taking an exotic trip to Europe - somewhere neither of the have been. Somewhere they have BOTH talked about going together when the opportunity arose. A first time experience that they were supposed to have with each other. This isn't just another regular trip or about doing his own thing sometimes. Think of it as you and your husband had discussed some kind of dream trip for years... and then your husband decided to go without you with his brother. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-is-traveling-and-all-i-feel-is-resentment#post-2872025 Thu, 14 Feb 2019 10:53:06 +0000 Shantuck 2872025@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@SweetiePie: Agreed. If it's planned without even checking on the dates and willingness of the spouse staying home, that would be maddening and inconsiderate. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-is-traveling-and-all-i-feel-is-resentment#post-2872017 Thu, 14 Feb 2019 10:30:32 +0000 hellobeeboston 2872017@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@CatchAFallingStar: the fact that his brother is fully paying for it helps a little, but yeah, I'd be so bummed. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-is-traveling-and-all-i-feel-is-resentment#post-2872006 Thu, 14 Feb 2019 10:03:21 +0000 SweetiePie 2872006@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@kitty: Yes this. I don’t say much when my husband wants to do things because I selfishly want to be able to do my own things guilt free :-) if I gave him a hard time then he might give me a hard time and I just want us both to be able to blissfully get away for a little bit if we need to.</p> <p>I will say the only reason that this would make me mad (vs just jealous), and I didn’t mention this in my original reply, is if he went ahead and planned it without checking in at all. If he just planned it, booked it and then said this is where I’m going and when, then I would be upset. Just because we have kids now and responsibilities. It’s fine to want to get away but it takes a lot more coordination now then just “oh yeah by the way I’m going on this trip it’s a done deal.”<br /> I don’t like the idea of having to ask permission, but we still ask each other if it’s OK as a courtesy. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-is-traveling-and-all-i-feel-is-resentment#post-2872000 Thu, 14 Feb 2019 09:40:52 +0000 Shantuck 2872000@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This wouldn't bother me since it sounds like his brother offered him an amazing opportunity (rather than just deciding to book something on his own just because). If I were you, I'd plan a girls trip. It's nice when you can get away with the ease of your spouse taking solo parenting duty for a few days. My husband and I have mostly traveled for bachelor / bachelorette parties or work when we've traveled separately but we've talked about planning our own guy's and girl's weekends as well just to build in additional breaks without the childcare headaches of a joint trip together (though we do like to plan those, too, on occasion).</p> <p>Do you think there is more to your feelings of resentment than just the trip? Are you often stuck bearing a disproportionate share of the parenting load? Would your husband support you if you announced you were planning a girls trip? Just a thought. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-is-traveling-and-all-i-feel-is-resentment#post-2871922 Wed, 13 Feb 2019 21:20:21 +0000 kitty 2871922@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Something else to consider: if you did finally plan a trip for yourself without DH or the kids, how pissed would you be if he gave you a hard time about it and complained that you were going? Remembering that helps me not to complain when it's my DHs turn to do something for himself, because he is supportive of me doing my own thing from time to time. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-is-traveling-and-all-i-feel-is-resentment#post-2871898 Wed, 13 Feb 2019 19:30:21 +0000 MrsBucky 2871898@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@CatchAFallingStar: I guess I’m curious how the decision was made for him to go? Did he just inform you he was going? Or did you talk about it, decide he should go together and now you feel jealous anyway? The latter is totally how it would happen in my house, because I don’t want to say no without a good reason, like others, but would totally feel jealous and resentful anyway. But that would triple if it wasn’t a decision we made together if that makes sense. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-is-traveling-and-all-i-feel-is-resentment#post-2871812 Wed, 13 Feb 2019 14:39:11 +0000 shabang 2871812@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think I'd find it really hard to separate doing something like this (awesome!) from doing something like this at my expense (grrr!) I don't mean the financial expense, more the wanted to do it together, even if we did is it the same, is he using work vacation time that we need for kids events/family vacation, there's still cost for food/activities, solo-parenting EXPENSE.</p> <p>A lot of parenting is a teeter-totter, so if he's off having fun, you're probably working harder for him to do it. But it sounds like it is happening, and to be fair to him, it'd be pretty disappointing to not be able to go without some concrete reason.</p> <p>I'm like you and would HATE the idea of taking a similar trip without my kids, but can you try to find something that is more appealing to you to make this closer to even? Workouts, art/music/language classes, a series of solo kid dates for you and each child, nights out with friends, a book club, or anything else that you might like to do but don't because KIDS. </p> <p>And, if you eventually do go to Prague together, he could at least plan the trip (which would be unusual in my house and a big win). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-is-traveling-and-all-i-feel-is-resentment#post-2871801 Wed, 13 Feb 2019 14:03:57 +0000 charm55 2871801@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I get feeling jealous but I don’t think you can hold it over on him that he’s going on an all expenses paid trip. Dh and I encourage each other to take any opportunity that comes up, even if it means the other has to pull a bit more slack temporarily. And this seems like a pretty awesome opportunity for him.</p> <p>If his brother wasn’t paying - and he was using money for a guys trip instead of a couples trip that you want to take with him - then I could see being more legitimately upset. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-is-traveling-and-all-i-feel-is-resentment#post-2871799 Wed, 13 Feb 2019 13:57:03 +0000 Mommy Finger 2871799@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I guess I'll be the odd man out on the other end of the spectrum. While I can totally understand being jealous (I mean, who wouldn't be jealous of someone going on an all expense paid trip to anywhere really) but I don't understand being mad. I can also understand being disappointed since you both wanted to go on a trip together but nothing says you can't still. Start planning! Even if it won't happen right away, it still gives you something to look forward to.</p> <p>I'll caveat this by saying that I"m someone who has no issue with traveling without DH. I mean, it's not like I'm leaving every weekend. DH's and my best friends live all across the US and Canada. I try to meet up with my girlfriends 1x a year. In reality, it only works maybe every 3 years but it's very important to me. I also encourage DH to travel on his own to spend time with his friends. It's good to have a break sometimes and spend time with others on your own. I don't feel like this makes us any less devoted to our marriage and family. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-is-traveling-and-all-i-feel-is-resentment#post-2871699 Wed, 13 Feb 2019 08:00:14 +0000 irene 2871699@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@CatchAFallingStar: Just reading this thread.... and I am so sorry. I would have been FURIOUS..... but then that would be based on how it is set up with DH and I. We always travel together, and if he goes alone to PRAGUE, it better be for work. If I can take time off and it matches with DS' schedule, he always offer to take us even if that means he has to pay out of pocket for our tickets. One trip we went to Sydney Australia when he was there for work for 2 weeks. DS was 5.5 months old. </p> <p>What you did was very big, kudos to you -- I wouldn't be able to gift a travel book with a bow on it. I wonder why he would be mad at you for expressing your feelings...</p> <p>What I want to know is, so his brother is against you going and it is a brotherly trip with no one else except them both? Your DH can't offer to pay for yours and the kids' tickets? Think about it -- if you were to eventually plan a family trip down the road, he has to pay for all the tickets+ accommodation and now is brother is paying for his. He didn't even need to worry about accommodation. It is like a trip with a big discount.</p> <p>Regardless, hugs, you are not wrong to be upset, but kudos to you for handling the way you did. xoxoxo </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-is-traveling-and-all-i-feel-is-resentment#post-2871330 Mon, 11 Feb 2019 09:15:38 +0000 Hypatia 2871330@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I didn’t say it was adultery, ffs. I said that for us, it feels similar in a very distant way. There’s a pretty big distinction. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-is-traveling-and-all-i-feel-is-resentment#post-2871316 Mon, 11 Feb 2019 08:15:03 +0000 LadyDi 2871316@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I definitely understand being upset and jealous, but I would be less nice about it! I don't think you should make him not go, but maybe you should discuss your feelings again. Burying them under niceness and not acknowledging them will probably not help your feelings of resentment. </p> <p>@Hypatia: Whatever works for your relationship is your business, but comparing traveling without a spouse to adultery is insulting to everyone who has chosen to do so. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-is-traveling-and-all-i-feel-is-resentment#post-2871285 Sun, 10 Feb 2019 20:56:14 +0000 2littlepumpkins 2871285@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@CatchAFallingStar: I wouldn't be happy either. We get so little vacation time between family obligations and the kids it's gone. No time for that at this stage. If he asked me about it first rather than just planning it I might be open to working it out. But for us it's not just "we'll let's prioritize travel." We aren't totally broke but definitely are not in that kind of situation especially with regard to time. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-is-traveling-and-all-i-feel-is-resentment#post-2871278 Sun, 10 Feb 2019 20:01:06 +0000 periwinklebee 2871278@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I kind of wish my husband would do this, because he works too hard and needs a break, and because it would be an excuse for me to do something similar (and doesn't need to be Europe, I'd settle for a night away at a local hotel, hah). But totally understandable to be envious... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-is-traveling-and-all-i-feel-is-resentment#post-2871270 Sun, 10 Feb 2019 18:18:36 +0000 SweetiePie 2871270@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think the all expense paid part makes it pretty hard to refuse.<br /> I think you can still feel a little jealous but also be happy for him.<br /> I SAH but used to travel exstensively for work. I miss it a ton and when DH travels for work I still feel jealous. Not angry. Just jealous. But I still understand and am happy for the experience he gets. </p> <p>That being said, we travel without each other a fair amount - for fun. He takes 1-3 guys trips a year and I take 1-3 girls trips a year. Usually 1-2 trips just us (sometimes just a weekend driving distance sometimes a far away flight). And 1-2 trips a year as a family. We both feel that all kinds of travel (with friends, as a couple, and as a family) are all important so we prioritize all of it. It’s not easy, but we try.<br /> I think it was you (maybe not?) who was upset about another trip he took or planned to take because you don’t do it yourself. It’s hard to push the guilt aside, but we need to take care of ourselves too. I’m not just a mom and a wife. Im also a friend, sister, and daughter. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-is-traveling-and-all-i-feel-is-resentment#post-2871262 Sun, 10 Feb 2019 17:10:00 +0000 PurplePumps 2871262@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would totally be mad, sad, resentful, etc too! Especially if the two of you have never traveled overseas together and had dreams/plans of going one day when you had the chance. I completely understand that it would be hard to turn down the opportunity, but I'd still be mad about it. I'd totally be torn between thinking he was selfish to take this opportunity for himself, and happy that he can have the experience too.<br /> DH and I have traveled extensively since we've been together everywhere from Australia, all over Europe, etc and I'd STILL be upset if he choose to go on a trip without me/our son to somewhere new! He got to go to some new places for work that I would have liked to go to, but I couldn't fault him for that. When we were planning our girls trip last year, he jokingly (but really) said that we had to keep it domestic, no new countries without him! But going out of the county without him was never considered anyways, that's something I'd want to do with him and there's no reason why I couldn't wait to go with him. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-is-traveling-and-all-i-feel-is-resentment#post-2871260 Sun, 10 Feb 2019 16:31:29 +0000 youboots 2871260@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Also team travel sans spouse is like cheating seems like an odd blanket statement. And I consider us pretty inseparable. </p> <p>Back to the OP- I went to Cabo with a group of girlfriends- a friend was unmarried and her parents footed the hotel bill for her bday. I think I used points for airfare. This was pre kids though. Forgot about that. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-is-traveling-and-all-i-feel-is-resentment#post-2871253 Sun, 10 Feb 2019 14:50:50 +0000 MrsSCB 2871253@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@youboots: totally agree. I 100 percent understand being disappointed, bummed out, maybe a little jealous. But the all expenses paid part makes it a lot more understandable. I think if my husband or I were in that position we’d encourage one another to go. But I also get feeling a little sad under the circumstances.</p> <p>Def don’t agree that traveling without one another is like a form of adultery, though... I think it’s healthy for people in relationships to have interests outside of each other, and that includes travel! About 18 months after my son was born, I went to nyc with one of my best friends for her bday. It was super fun, I’m glad my husband encouraged me to go. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-is-traveling-and-all-i-feel-is-resentment#post-2871248 Sun, 10 Feb 2019 13:55:11 +0000 ChiCalGoBee 2871248@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Jennibenni: This. Choosing to go on a trip without a significant other is nowhere near in the realm of cheating on a spouse. To each his or her own, but I absolutely agree with you.</p> <p>To the OP: Your feelings are totally valid. And, like @Portboston: said, feeling both excited for him and jealous for yourself is normal. I would focus on planning a trip for yourself with some friends or a family member so you, too, can have a break and explore/travel for something other than work. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-is-traveling-and-all-i-feel-is-resentment#post-2871244 Sun, 10 Feb 2019 13:31:03 +0000 cake2017 2871244@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Hypatia: My DH and I feel exactly the same way. We travel everywhere together and enjoy every minute of it! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-is-traveling-and-all-i-feel-is-resentment#post-2871231 Sun, 10 Feb 2019 12:06:56 +0000 Jess1483 2871231@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Jennibenni: I agree. My husband just took a guys' surf trip to Costa Rica without me. Of course I wished I could go, but it wasn't logistically possible (plus I'm pregnant and Zika). I missed him, but I was thrilled that he got the experience. He encourages me to do the same thing, and when my babes aren't so little, I look forward to taking a girls' trip somewhere! I'd say 85-90% of our travel is together, but I think it's totally okay to travel separately as long as everyone's on board ;)</p> <p>That said, I think it’s totally normal and okay to feel jealousy over a special trip that you aren’t a part of. When DH got back from Costa Rica and started talking about their plans for a next guys’ trip, I asked DH to focus on talking about upcoming family vacations instead. Or just keep his big mouth closed ;) He has also been in charge of weekend parenting for a solid month since he returned so I get to rest and relax. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-is-traveling-and-all-i-feel-is-resentment#post-2871212 Sun, 10 Feb 2019 10:04:41 +0000 gotkimchi 2871212@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@youboots: @Portboston: these are both great responses</p> <p>I’d be pissed but wouldn’t turn down an all expenses paid trip. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-is-traveling-and-all-i-feel-is-resentment#post-2871210 Sun, 10 Feb 2019 09:54:28 +0000 Jennibenni 2871210@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Hypatia: I don’t think taking a trip without your spouse is anywhere in the realm of adultery. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-is-traveling-and-all-i-feel-is-resentment#post-2871205 Sun, 10 Feb 2019 08:42:09 +0000 youboots 2871205@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>So I was completely bummed for you until I saw it was all expenses paid. I think it is really generous his brother is choosing to take him and it seems like a truly once in a lifetime. I can totally understand 100% where you are coming from and we also have been together 15 years and have dreamed of going overseas together. In this case I’d like to think we would be happy for each other. I’d have a really difficult time agreeing to a solo trip that we had to pay thousands of dollars for- and he has said no to a trip like this before- his unmarried buddies went to Thailand for 2 weeks. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-is-traveling-and-all-i-feel-is-resentment#post-2871191 Sun, 10 Feb 2019 01:31:56 +0000 Portboston 2871191@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>One of the most valuable things I’ve learned in therapy is to be able to hold two emotions at once. I’m assuming you’ve ok’d this trip since he is in fact going. So, that being acknowledged, you can be happy and excited for him but also jealous and sad you don’t get to go. He can also be excited and happy to go but also feel bummed that you’re not able to accompany him. I think you should talk it out. Tell him how you feel while reassuring him you’re happy for him and not wanting him not to go. You are allowed to feel those feelings and just because you feel sad you don’t get the experience doesn’t mean you don’t want him to have it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-is-traveling-and-all-i-feel-is-resentment#post-2871190 Sun, 10 Feb 2019 00:58:10 +0000 Hypatia 2871190@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Maybe we are weird, but DH and I don’t believe in taking trips without the other person unless it is work related. It’s like adultery in a very distant way—why would one of us choose to spend a week with someone else instead of the person they’re married to? We don’t get that much time together as it is, and it’s incredibly unfair to make the other person single parent while they’re gone. </p>