https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Sat, 25 Apr 2026 13:41:37 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-vent-disrespectful-of-my-time-and-work#post-2800988 Wed, 31 Jan 2018 09:41:20 +0000 snowjewelz 2800988@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Chuckles: Not all mornings, but some mornings my DH will definitely see there on his phone while I am right in front of him wrangling 2 kids to eat/change/etc. But instead of getting resentful I just ask him to help me immediately. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-vent-disrespectful-of-my-time-and-work#post-2800896 Tue, 30 Jan 2018 16:02:33 +0000 Mrsbells 2800896@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Chuckles: I think that driving him to the train station instead of getting him to take the bus is in the long run going to cause you to build up a lot of bitterness. For the health of your relationship its important to say no to things. As long as you continue to do it he will think it is no big deal. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-vent-disrespectful-of-my-time-and-work#post-2800886 Tue, 30 Jan 2018 15:43:10 +0000 birdofafeather 2800886@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>i would say, we'll carpool these two days, the other 3 days you'll take the bus. expectations are set, everyone gets ready on time and knows what to do. having a flex schedule and maybe this, maybe that, doesn't work in my family and always leads to resentment. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-vent-disrespectful-of-my-time-and-work#post-2800827 Tue, 30 Jan 2018 12:18:10 +0000 gingerbebe 2800827@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>In our house, mental health and self-care is essential to a happy marriage, calm/present parent, and productive work life. That means we basically prioritize our money and time to ensure those needs are met.</p> <p>I'm the public transportation hater in our family so I get where your husband is coming from, but if it created a problem for my husband to drive me to the train station in the morning, I am not kidding in the least when I say that our solution would be to have an Uber pick me up every single morning and drive me to the train station. Or we'd get a beater second car and I'd drive to work, damn the expense. Like, we don't put a price tag on minor things that in the long run eat away at our relationship. </p> <p>My husband has literally never ever in his life cleaned a toilet. His toilet in his bachelor pad was atrocious and he was fine with it because he didn't want to clean it. I got resentful about always having to clean our toilet after we got married, so we eventually got a housecleaner. Worth it not to carry that baggage of resentment.</p> <p>I would just tell him that driving him to work every day is making you resentful and its not good for your mental health or your relationship. So either he can take the bus or you can sit and find money in the budget for another car or an Uber every day, because its not going to work any more. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-vent-disrespectful-of-my-time-and-work#post-2800756 Tue, 30 Jan 2018 10:02:30 +0000 mrsjd 2800756@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@ElbieKay: "Time is a zero sum game, and my career is one of my family's biggest assets. So I prioritize my son, my career, and maintaining my relationships and self care." YES! This is everything. So so true. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-vent-disrespectful-of-my-time-and-work#post-2800700 Tue, 30 Jan 2018 05:00:56 +0000 ElbieKay 2800700@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Chuckles: one way I survive being a working mom is by setting clear boundaries about what I will and won't do. For instance, I NEVER vacuum, and I do not apologize for ordering takeout regularly when I get home too late to make dinner. I spend a lot of time managing my son's schedule, and I usually do both dropoff and pickup because it's easier for me to manage with my work schedule. But I basically refuse to do housework and make my husband do it since he refuses to hire someone.</p> <p>I have had to get really blunt in my marriage about some of that stuff. Time is a zero sum game, and my career is one of my family's biggest assets. So I prioritize my son, my career, and maintaining my relationships and self care. Everything else is secondary, and I refuse to apologize for being only human and not killing myself to meet other people's expectations.</p> <p>In other words, I agree with everyone else that you need to be more blunt and direct, and simply refuse to do it.</p> <p>ETA: Is it worth getting him a cheap beater car to drive himself to the train? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-vent-disrespectful-of-my-time-and-work#post-2800688 Mon, 29 Jan 2018 21:46:02 +0000 Chuckles 2800688@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@LCTBQE: :heart: Thanks! I think I just need to be okay with him thinking I'm the bad guy if I've already tried to be nice about it. (I'm finally getting better at this at work at almost 38 years old) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-vent-disrespectful-of-my-time-and-work#post-2800685 Mon, 29 Jan 2018 21:39:22 +0000 LCTBQE 2800685@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Chuckles: sorry if I sounded brash before, I really have a lot of empathy for this as we have *very* similar mornings at my house with pretty much every aspect you mentioned. I also recognize that (especially? exclusively?) as women, our default is often to carry the load and fix everything, so maybe you're offering to do more than you can out of force of habit. </p> <p>I wonder if it would be empowering to reframe it not as "I need you to take the bus once a week" but as "I am available to help you by giving you a ride x days, but not y days" ?? because then you're not saying, please do this thing *for me*--but you're saying, "here is what I can give you". I don't know, it seems as if it makes you less of the bad guy, if that makes sense. because you're not the bad guy by not being available 1000% of the time, especially if he's enjoying coffee and reading the news in his jammies while you're trying to fix your hair and do a million other things at high speed. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-vent-disrespectful-of-my-time-and-work#post-2800681 Mon, 29 Jan 2018 21:23:45 +0000 Chuckles 2800681@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@LCTBQE: the hinting was really only about moving in together, and I wasn't mad. It's just a funny story now about how clear I need to be with him. But it is true that I did offer a ride, so I can see why that would be confusing to him if I got mad when he said okay. </p> <p>And I have tried to communicate with him clearly about this. We had other issues about the morning routine, including him taking his time having coffee and playing on his phone, while I got our son ready and rushed to do the things I had to do. And I'd have to basically hassle them both every morning to be on time. We hashed it out with our therapist because it was driving me crazy. And I very clearly told him that I know that 5 minutes here or there isn't a big deal in his workplace, but in mine it's very important. So maybe having dealt with that is making me more sensitive about this.<br /> I have occasionally said that I need him to take the bus because I have a meeting at the start of the day or need to get particular things done or whatever. I guess I was hoping that he would take it upon himself to offer to make my morning easier, but I am realizing that I just need to be clear and tell him that I need him to take the bus once a week. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-vent-disrespectful-of-my-time-and-work#post-2800676 Mon, 29 Jan 2018 21:11:33 +0000 LCTBQE 2800676@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MrsADS: I know, I think I was almost in tears by the end it was so reaffirming! I sent it to my husband immediately :) at our house it's pretty much like that for running the household matters, "hey are we out of toilet paper" kind of stuff, but for the parenting and childcare, we're mostly on equal footing, which I am glad for. it's gotten better (not great though) over the past year. my solution has been a combination of telling him that he is just as responsible as I am for the toilet paper 1000x, telling him that he is now responsible for xyz thing that I don't care that much when it doesn't get done (presents for his side of the family etc), and lowering my standards to try and care less when things don't happen so now we don't have a working smoke detector in our living room anymore, and also appreciating the stuff that he does that is "invisible work" to me--dealing with finances, all bill paying, dealing with the car, heavy lifting on house hunting. I don't think there really is a great solution that works :meh:<br /> ETA sorry for the thread jack ! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-vent-disrespectful-of-my-time-and-work#post-2800672 Mon, 29 Jan 2018 20:36:19 +0000 MrsADS 2800672@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@lctbqe YES you're totally right and that comic really, really resonated with me. I should say not *everything* is like that in our relationship, but sometimes it feels like it. The struggle at this point is - what do you do about it? I don't know the answer to that and I haven't found a great solution that works. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-vent-disrespectful-of-my-time-and-work#post-2800665 Mon, 29 Jan 2018 20:22:08 +0000 LCTBQE 2800665@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MrsADS: ugh, yeah. totally reminds me of the Emma "you didn't ask" comic from last year--that thing really hit the nail on the head. </p> <p>@Chuckles: I don't see any of the pp's saying this, but I think "hinting" is a completely invalid form of communication--especially if you know that the person you're hinting to isn't trying to read your mind. being direct and saying when asked, "sorry sweetie, I just can't do it" in a kind voice is not being rude, unloving, or ungenerous. </p> <p>but if I understand correctly and you actually offered to give him a ride, I don't think the conclusion is that "men are silly"--why is it silly that he took you up on your offer, and what ground is there to stand on getting upset with him? it's a real mixed message. this is a matter of standing up to *yourself*, not to him, and taking what you need, which is a tiny thing that's more than reasonable. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-vent-disrespectful-of-my-time-and-work#post-2800661 Mon, 29 Jan 2018 20:10:38 +0000 Chuckles 2800661@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@erinbaderin: just for all the info - its like a 10 minute bus ride and it's never crowded :) I guess I feel like I understand why having me drive him is nicer but nicer and no time to prep for the school day aren't equivalent in my book. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-vent-disrespectful-of-my-time-and-work#post-2800649 Mon, 29 Jan 2018 19:42:27 +0000 erinbaderin 2800649@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I also hate the bus (it’s crowded, the stop and go makes me feel lousy, it takes longer because of the stops, it’s always too hot in the winter, etc) so I would probably let you drive me too. Is there any way you could take the bus some days? Or could you adjust your schedule so you leave 15 minutes earlier so you can drive him and have your prep time? Because I get your point, but I also get his, and it seems like you’re dismissing his feelings. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-vent-disrespectful-of-my-time-and-work#post-2800648 Mon, 29 Jan 2018 19:38:48 +0000 MrsADS 2800648@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@chuckles it's so true. I find I have to be so blunt if I want something! And even though I know it, I still sometimes forget... like doesn't he SEE and HEAR me saying how tired and busy I am and how much laundry/cleaning/etc. I have to do?! But if I say "hey, can you put these two loads of clothes away and wash the dishes?" He's like "sure, no problem." </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-vent-disrespectful-of-my-time-and-work#post-2800647 Mon, 29 Jan 2018 19:32:04 +0000 Chuckles 2800647@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MrsADS: , @badgermom:, and @snowjewelz, and @2littlepumpkins: Thanks for everyone's response. I guess I thought I was being up front enough with him, but it's true that I did say, "do you want me to drive you?" Men are so silly. </p> <p>Before my DH and I moved in together, I pointedly talked to him about how my lease was going to be up and did he think I should renew it or think about moving somewhere else. He had *no idea* that I was trying to hint to see if he had thought about us moving in together. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-vent-disrespectful-of-my-time-and-work#post-2800646 Mon, 29 Jan 2018 19:29:27 +0000 Chuckles 2800646@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@nwm: Thanks for your reply! I hadn't thought about it, but we have the same situation as you on the weekends. I've found that I have to be up front about how much time I need to work, but my husband tends to not ask for time in the same way. I try to take it at face value and assume that he would tell me if he needed to get stuff done. I don't know why I can't be more assertive during the week :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-vent-disrespectful-of-my-time-and-work#post-2800638 Mon, 29 Jan 2018 18:18:55 +0000 MrsADS 2800638@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Totally agree w @badgermom. My husband is very smart and has a PhD but he wouldn't "get it" if I was saying to him what you're saying you your husband. Like it wouldn't click. I would need to say "I'm so sorry, but mornings at work are really hectic and starting this week I have to bee there by x tone, so I can't drive you to the train in the morning, you'll have to take the bus. Sorry honey!" It's aggravating though, I know. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-vent-disrespectful-of-my-time-and-work#post-2800637 Mon, 29 Jan 2018 18:10:35 +0000 2littlepumpkins 2800637@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>On mornings like your example I agree with the others that you should just say it! </p> <p>On regular mornings though I have to admit I wouldn't want to take the bus either because, among other things, then you have to wait for the bus and the train. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-vent-disrespectful-of-my-time-and-work#post-2800634 Mon, 29 Jan 2018 17:36:08 +0000 nwm 2800634@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>girl, i would stand up for yourself! i agree it would be nice if he recognized what a burden this was on you, but it's probably hard to internalize if you don't draw the boundaries yourself. i would just tell him, on mornings like this if not all mornings, that he needs to be responsible for getting himself to work. in your shoes, i would not feel any obligation to ever give him a ride, except maybe on special occasions or if he's really not feeling well, etc.</p> <p>i say this also because sometimes i can be the oblivious one, and my DH and i sometimes have trouble on weekends where one or the other of us has work that we need to get done. if i know there is work i have to get done, i am like, ok, i need to work from x hour to y hour, what is our plan for taking care of DS for that time? can you agree to be solely responsible for him for this time, and then at y hour i'll emerge and take over and you can have a break? by contrast, DH will just say something like "i have a lot of work to do this weekend" and then i never hear anything about it after that. obviously my preference is to have DH around and participating in weekend activities, so i just assume that if he really NEEDED to work, he'd do what i do and communicate what time he needs. we've had to have a few conversations where i explain this to him, because without knowing exactly what's going on with him at work, it's tough to know how much time to carve out for him to get work done or when. (he also feels like he SHOULD work most weekends, but doesn't NEED to, and it's really hard to tell which is which.) i'd (mostly) happily do it though if he set the boundaries himself! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-vent-disrespectful-of-my-time-and-work#post-2800633 Mon, 29 Jan 2018 17:34:34 +0000 BadgerMom 2800633@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I agree with @snowjewelz: , I think with guys "explaining" is akin to beating around the bush and they just don't get it. You're going to have to be direct and just say, "I can't take you to the train tomorrow, you're going to have to take the bus. I have too much work to do in the AM." </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-vent-disrespectful-of-my-time-and-work#post-2800631 Mon, 29 Jan 2018 17:23:51 +0000 snowjewelz 2800631@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Chuckles: I find that sometimes with men you really just have to be blunt and straight with them. Trust me; I'm a 'stewer' too haha and I find that if we just honestly communicate our expectations, we are able to work something out. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-vent-disrespectful-of-my-time-and-work#post-2800630 Mon, 29 Jan 2018 17:19:59 +0000 Chuckles 2800630@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@snowjewelz: I know, I know. I tend to stew about things :) But, I have tried multiple times to explain it. I guess splitting the days would be a good compromise. But, seriously, we have a bus tracker. He can watch his phone and be out the door and at the bus stop in 4 minutes. And the bus takes hardly any more time than me driving him. I guess he just really hates the bus? :silly: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-vent-disrespectful-of-my-time-and-work#post-2800629 Mon, 29 Jan 2018 17:13:43 +0000 snowjewelz 2800629@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Be honest with him!</p> <p>And also, maybe comprise and split! Like x days I'll drive you, and x days you take the bus? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-vent-disrespectful-of-my-time-and-work#post-2800628 Mon, 29 Jan 2018 17:06:33 +0000 Chuckles 2800628@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Ugh, my husband is driving me crazy! Long story short, on days when my parents watch our LO, I drive him to the train because we only have one car. Despite the fact that the bus stop is literally 1/2 block from our house and goes *right* to the train station. He just says he hates the bus. And the train station is the exact opposite from my work, so it's like 15-ish minutes out of my way. And I've tried to explain to him (multiple times) that, because I'm a teacher, even having 15 minutes before my staff come is a huge help to me in terms of having the day start off more organized and calm.<br /> And yet he still acts like it's no big deal that I'm driving him and never offers to take the bus even when, like this morning, I say that I really have a lot to do and need to get to work as early as possible. It's baffling. I know I could just say no, but what I really want is for him to say, I know your day would start off more easily if you go right to work, so I'll take the bus today. Is that too much to ask?<br /> Plus then he just called to ask me to run an errand on my way home that he could easily do himself. Ugh. </p>