https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Fri, 01 May 2026 03:10:15 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-wants-to-have-a-serious-talk-tonight#post-328314 Sat, 06 Oct 2012 08:34:37 +0000 Nskillet 328314@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Updates part 2?! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-wants-to-have-a-serious-talk-tonight#post-324136 Thu, 04 Oct 2012 10:44:38 +0000 hellobeeboston 324136@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>hey ladies! ha - you're so sweet to check in on me!</p> <p>so.... I didn't get home until 9:15 from work last night, and he had a work thing until about 8:45 - so, we were both exhausted and just didn't feel like getting into it. SO - talk is happening tonight. But things were better already, less tension... I will update tomorrow after we chat! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-wants-to-have-a-serious-talk-tonight#post-324101 Thu, 04 Oct 2012 10:35:43 +0000 Crisark 324101@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@hellobeeboston: How did things go?? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-wants-to-have-a-serious-talk-tonight#post-324093 Thu, 04 Oct 2012 10:32:00 +0000 Nskillet 324093@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Updates? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-wants-to-have-a-serious-talk-tonight#post-323724 Thu, 04 Oct 2012 07:18:33 +0000 Sugar.Biscuit 323724@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@HELLOBEEBOSTON You sound just like me :-) I let it build hoping things will change and then one day (BOOM!) the bomb will go off followed by diarrhea of the mouth. </p> <p>I have been seeing a counselor off and on again for the last 2 years. Usually we each go separate and then together later in the week. I think it works better this way then there is not so much pressure on us when we go together.</p> <p>With that being said I agree with CHOPSUEY119, I would seek guidance BEFORE the baby comes. Once that baby comes...well I'm sure you have heard the stories. Anything you can do now before the baby comes just gives you guys that little extra boost.</p> <p>Hope things went well last night! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-wants-to-have-a-serious-talk-tonight#post-323110 Wed, 03 Oct 2012 17:42:03 +0000 daniellemybelle 323110@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm all in favor of counseling. DH &amp; I hit a really rough patch six months or so ago, and even though we didn't end up loving the counselor we saw, going through the process was very healing for us. Things will get crazy once the baby gets here so I'd suggest having The Big Talk in a therapist's office, if possible. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-wants-to-have-a-serious-talk-tonight#post-322988 Wed, 03 Oct 2012 16:22:09 +0000 mrsjyw 322988@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Agree with PPs... just wanted to send you my good thoughts! Hope it goes well tonight!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-wants-to-have-a-serious-talk-tonight#post-322982 Wed, 03 Oct 2012 16:18:53 +0000 edelweiss 322982@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>i also agree that with everything going on and you being at 37 weeks, a serious talk will be hard to keep neutral and reasonable. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-wants-to-have-a-serious-talk-tonight#post-322978 Wed, 03 Oct 2012 16:18:14 +0000 edelweiss 322978@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>i don't think couples counseling means that something is wrong with the relationship at all! no two human beings can get along perfectly, and a third party can really help with communication skills. you could view it as analogous to getting a wedding coordinator--doesn't mean something's wrong with the wedding, but it's a really really nice thing to have that can help things tremendously! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-wants-to-have-a-serious-talk-tonight#post-322937 Wed, 03 Oct 2012 15:40:28 +0000 mrskc 322937@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@hellobeeboston: Good luck with your talk tonight. I hope you guys can work it out. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-wants-to-have-a-serious-talk-tonight#post-322910 Wed, 03 Oct 2012 15:28:34 +0000 Mrsbells 322910@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>In our relationship I like to have talks and DH isnt a bit talker but we try to counsel ourselves somewhat when are both calm and each person has to admit what they can do better to help the situation </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-wants-to-have-a-serious-talk-tonight#post-322864 Wed, 03 Oct 2012 15:03:50 +0000 chopsuey 322864@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I suggest seeing a counselor or pastor pronto before the baby arrives. The first few weeks after baby arrives are really stressful and your hormones go crazy...<br /> Good luck and *hugs!* </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-wants-to-have-a-serious-talk-tonight#post-322849 Wed, 03 Oct 2012 14:57:59 +0000 CupQuakeWalk 322849@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm terrible with advice: just wanted to show support to a fellow October mama.....All I know is: You're frustrated, tired and anxious and so is he (in his own way). Pregnancy will do a number on a relationship! Especially towards the end. I think you guys will be fine and absolutely happy: why not? You've got a baby on the way:)))....Good luck honey! *huuuuugs* </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-wants-to-have-a-serious-talk-tonight#post-322789 Wed, 03 Oct 2012 14:25:26 +0000 Mrs. Pen 322789@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@anonysquire: +1 bahahaha!</p> <p>I'm so sorry :(:( I have no advice but I hope that you guys can work things out before baby arrives. That is stressful enough! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-wants-to-have-a-serious-talk-tonight#post-322750 Wed, 03 Oct 2012 14:17:18 +0000 hellobeeboston 322750@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Goldilocks1107: Really like how you guys deal with things - I think I may bring this up. It's a great plan to just have a check in set up to discuss certain things.... I feel like I might be able to deal better with that since I get so emotional. But I worry about DH's defensiveness, but this could help solve that. Also, good way to handle the email thing, I should have said something like that instead of being heated &amp; just sending!</p> <p>@prettylizy: yeah, this isn't really that HUGE of a thing, we've just been off for a little while and he wants to re-group. He knows things will change with the babe... I think he keeps forgetting I'm pregnant though and dealing with a lot, and the baby is on my mind almost 100% of the day, and it's not for him.... I'm sure we'll discuss some of that.</p> <p>So glad I vented this through HB today... Feeling better about going into this tonight with some new ideas. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-wants-to-have-a-serious-talk-tonight#post-322537 Wed, 03 Oct 2012 13:30:21 +0000 prettylizy 322537@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>37 weeks is not a good time for a talk, I agree, but sometimes you have to do what you have to do. I would denifetely try and make DH understand that in the next 4-6 weeks, everything that we consider normal is about to change and maybe we should hold off on this talk until after we've settled into our new routine. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-wants-to-have-a-serious-talk-tonight#post-322524 Wed, 03 Oct 2012 13:26:47 +0000 Goldilocks1107 322524@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Whenever we need to talk about something serious, we "schedule it" so we can both come prepared. I'm much better at writing out how I'm feeling, then talking about it in the moment. So, what I do is write down what I see as the issues, what I think could be causing them, and an action plan to make it better.</p> <p>DH and I often found ourselves in the "let's try harder" category for everything - you know "Let's try harder to stay on budget next month". Finally, I pointed out that we keep "trying harder" but we haven't defined what that looks like or a plan to make it happen. So, last month I told him that we would write down every purchase as we made it, stick to only buying "needs" and if there was money leftover at the end of the month, we could buy some "wants". And what do you know, we stuck to our budget.</p> <p>I think the same thing could work with whatever you guys are going through. Since communication seems to be one of the problems, maybe say you'll start scheduling a set time to (calmly) discuss things that have cropped over over the week and present solutions. It's going to be a necessary skill once the LO is here.</p> <p>And I've also tried to be better at telling DH we need to take things "off line" - since both of us work and we only have a few hours at the end of the day, it's easy to rattle off an email that ends up getting miscontrued, then having a heated argument. When I find I'm about to fly off the handle, I write back "I think this is something that we should talk about tonight. Come prepared with what you think is happening, I'll come prepared with what I think is happening and we'll figure out what the disconnect is." </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-wants-to-have-a-serious-talk-tonight#post-322475 Wed, 03 Oct 2012 13:13:49 +0000 JoJoGirl 322475@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@hellobeeboston: It's also much easier to be impulsive over email when we're angry and say things to people we would never say to their face.. just adds another degree of protection for you to be able to take a few deep breaths before talking about something that's pissing you off! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-wants-to-have-a-serious-talk-tonight#post-322451 Wed, 03 Oct 2012 13:06:21 +0000 BoogieBea 322451@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I agree with others who have mentioned couples counseling. Perhaps not right now since you're still preparing for the baby. My husband and I went to couples counseling for a little while after we had our first. They really helped facilitate a healthy conversation. I, too, have problems communicating stemming from our lack of communication in my family growing up. I think it will be a work in progress for us for a long long time. Good luck to you guys and the baby! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-wants-to-have-a-serious-talk-tonight#post-322417 Wed, 03 Oct 2012 12:58:28 +0000 hellobeeboston 322417@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrbee: thanks for that article - really interesting -- the "stonewalling" category sounds exactly like me - yikes. not good.</p> <p>@pelikila: You know, I never thought of doing this - but it seems like it could really be something good for us to do - especially after the baby arrives. I already know I'm going to be obsessed with the baby, and want to be sure I pay enough attention to my husband, nevermind making sure our relationship stays on a good track, counseling could be the perfect check in to make sure we're keeping up with it.</p> <p>there's something about "couples counseling" that freaks me out - like, isn't our relationship strong enough on it's own? But at the same time, I think it could really be great, and will be helpful for me especially since I know I struggle with communication.</p> <p>@anonysquire: haha, hilarious! sorta wish I could, but i'd rather we talk &amp; get on the same page BEFORE the babe arrives. </p> <p>@JoJoGirl: you make an excellent point. It is my bad for emailing him. I was SO PISSED, i dropped him off at work, only 2 minutes from our house, then went on my way... I was thinking about it and just sent the note. but yeah, not an ideal means of communication. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-wants-to-have-a-serious-talk-tonight#post-322391 Wed, 03 Oct 2012 12:48:48 +0000 DillonLion 322391@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@JoJoGirl: I agree. One of the biggest lessons I learned this year after a horrendous fight with my parents where we didn't speak for months, is that we need to only communicate about serious topics on the phone or in person, where we can hear each other's inflection and tone and not make an assumptions. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-wants-to-have-a-serious-talk-tonight#post-322386 Wed, 03 Oct 2012 12:46:47 +0000 T.H.O.U. 322386@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrbee: Thats really interesting! </p> <p>Best of luck. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-wants-to-have-a-serious-talk-tonight#post-322344 Wed, 03 Oct 2012 12:24:28 +0000 JoJoGirl 322344@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>(hugs) You definitely deserve a pass for whatever happens when you're 37 weeks!!!!</p> <p>The only advice I have would be to never, ever ever bring serious topics to email. I know this works for some couples because the other person can 'think about it' or whatever before responding, but if you're specifically trying to improve communication, do it in person whenever possible. I know that's scary when you dislike confrontation (i used to and spent years getting over it), but the whole thing will likely be over faster and go more smoothly if you just talk face-to-face instead of stewing over email first, misunderstanding tone, etc that comes with that form of 'conversation'.</p> <p>hope all goes well tonight :) keep us posted! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-wants-to-have-a-serious-talk-tonight#post-322336 Wed, 03 Oct 2012 12:21:15 +0000 mrbee 322336@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@hellobeeboston: Oh btw, your mention of being defensive reminded me of this important article on relationships:</p> <p>&lt;&lt; Dr. John Gottman ... bases his predictions [on relationship survival] on four potentially destructive communication styles and coping mechanisms: (1) harsh startup, (2) the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, (3) flooding, and (4) body language. &gt;&gt;</p> <p>Here's some more info on the four horsemen... it sounds like maybe you struggle with stonewalling, and he wrestles with defensiveness?</p> <p><a href="http://www.chinnstreetcounseling.com/zomerland/zomerland_8.shtml" rel="nofollow">http://www.chinnstreetcounseling.com/zomerland/zomerland_8.shtml</a></p> <p>1. Criticism:</p> <p>"I was scared when you were running late and didn't call me. I thought we had agreed that we would do that for each other" is a complaint. "You never think about how your behavior is affecting other people. I don't believe you are that forgetful; you just don't think about me" is a criticism.</p> <p>2. Contempt:</p> <p>"I've been with the kids all day, running around like mad to keep this house going and all you do, when you come home from work, is to flop down on that sofa and become a couch potato. You are just about the sorriest excuse for a husband I can think of."</p> <p>3. Defensiveness:</p> <p>She: "Did you call Betty and Ralph to let them know that we are not coming tonight as you said this morning you would?" He: "I was just too darn busy today. As a matter of fact you knew how busy my schedule was. Why didn't you just do it?" He not only responds defensively but turns the table and makes it her fault. A nondefensive response would have been: "Oooops, I forgot. I should have asked you this morning to do it because I knew my day would be packed. Let me call them right now."</p> <p>4. Stonewalling:</p> <p>When we stonewall, we avoid conflict either because we are unconscious of our own feelings or because we are afraid. Rather than confronting the issues (usually they tend to accumulate) with our partner, we make evasive maneuvers such as tuning out, turning away, being busy or engaging in obsessive behaviors. We simply stop engaging in the business of relating to another person. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-wants-to-have-a-serious-talk-tonight#post-322327 Wed, 03 Oct 2012 12:18:08 +0000 Foodnerd81 322327@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't have advice, but wanted to say you aren't alone in not being a great communicator and coming from a family that avoids conflict to the point that we can fall down on communication. It's something I see in my parents and have to actively try to avoid, but sometimes it still happens and then all comes out at once. I get it.<br /> However, while I don't think being pregnant gives you free reign to be as awful as you want, I do think that you deserve a LOT of leeway being 9 months pregnant. Doesn't seem like the best time for a "serious talk" but at the same time, it will be easier to talk now than in a few weeks. I'm guessing he is under more stress with the baby coming soon than he admits. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-wants-to-have-a-serious-talk-tonight#post-322309 Wed, 03 Oct 2012 12:10:31 +0000 mrbee 322309@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Yah, it sounds like you guys could benefit from couples counselling!</p> <p>Btw I'm not taking sides here in the communication issues, but I do think that Week 37 is perhaps not the ideal time to have a Serious Talk. I mean, that's just crazy. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-wants-to-have-a-serious-talk-tonight#post-322297 Wed, 03 Oct 2012 12:02:50 +0000 pelikila 322297@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would highly suggest you consider going to a counselor together for a few sessions. An impartial third party can be tremendously helpful to both of you. My husband and I do marriage check-ups every few years with a counselor to make sure things are going well and we don't have any communication barriers or issues popping up. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-wants-to-have-a-serious-talk-tonight#post-322290 Wed, 03 Oct 2012 11:59:42 +0000 anonysquire 322290@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I have no helpful advice but I would probably hide til you go into labor? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-wants-to-have-a-serious-talk-tonight#post-322280 Wed, 03 Oct 2012 11:53:34 +0000 shopaholic 322280@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Aww... {{{HUG}}} hon. I don't quite know what kind of advice to give you. I would just imagine being so close to the end of the pregnancy that there would just be a lot of stress, emotions, fear, anxiety, and hormones running rampant?<br /> I don't know if I'm a "good communicator" or whatnot, but I have learned over the years that when I bring up an issue or problem I'm having with my SO, that when I do it in a more low, kind of timid voice and during a calm moment when the issue is not presently in front of us - that I get a much better response and attention to whatever is bothering me. This is versus the yelling, "I want your attention now!", screaming matches of my youth. lol. IDK if that helps at all, but maybe the two of you could benefit from a nice evening out, just focused on the two of you. It would be nice now since you only have a couple of weeks left "just the two of you" and it will never be the same again after baby comes? hth </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/dh-wants-to-have-a-serious-talk-tonight#post-322278 Wed, 03 Oct 2012 11:53:15 +0000 Honeybee 322278@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't have the best communication style; I'm pretty non-confrontational and passive, so I have to really psyche myself up to be direct and honest during relationship talks. Honestly, what helped us most was going through relationship counseling. We learned that we both have areas to improve on in our communication, and we learned some tools for dealing with our relationship and disagreements. We also learned why we fight the way the way we do and what we can do to help each other overcome our negative communication styles.</p> <p>If I can give you any advice, it would be that whatever you've been dealing with for the last 9 years is bound to get worse after the baby comes. If you can, think about seeking out professional help to learn better communication skills, and start working on it right now. As annoying/frustrating/dramatic as these fights seem right now, it only gets worse when you add the stress and exhaustion of a newborn to the mix. </p>