https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Sat, 25 Apr 2026 00:02:55 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/difficult-relationship-with-mom#post-2742833 Thu, 01 Jun 2017 16:06:52 +0000 2PeasinaPod 2742833@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@pwnstar: I couldn't agree more! Once I stood up to her, I went through some phases. Initially, it was anger. Anger at myself for allowing her to treat me so poorly for so long, and also that it took me so long to stand up to her. But once I did it, it was far easier to summon the courage to continue doing it. I needed my own time to calm down and remove the anger and resentment I had which is why I didn't speak with her for months, but now that the relationship is on my terms it's so much easier to put up that wall when she's trying to manipulate. </p> <p>@mrskansas: I so want to just have coffee with you and hug you right now. Just remember that you're an amazing person and do not deserve to be treated the way your mom is treating you. :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/difficult-relationship-with-mom#post-2742815 Thu, 01 Jun 2017 15:22:14 +0000 pwnstar 2742815@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@2PeasinaPod: To add on to what you said--which is great advice, imo--after the first time, it gets easier to find your voice and to stand up for yourself. My only regret was not doing it sooner. It took me becoming a parent to find my voice--because now it had the ability to impact my children, and there was no f*cking way I was going to let that happen.</p> <p>My add-on would be that some people will never understand/accept you not allowing them to behave in a disrespectful/dismissive manner--they're just aren't capable of that level of empathy. I no longer expect my mom to understand why I won't allow her to say/do whatever she wants. And that is exactly why boundaries are so important. </p> <p>@mrskansas: You are not crazy. I wish simply by typing this that you would truly believe it and accept it without question. It took me talking to a therapist (sorting out the issues surrounding the PPA I experienced with my first, some of which involved my mom) for me to learn and accept that it really wasn't me--that I wasn't crazy, that I wasn't sensitive/spoiled/ungrateful/think I'm better than everyone, etc., and that what happened to me wasn't normal (and that a lot of it was abusive). It's so hard to see your mom/parent in this light. The recommended reading above (Will I Ever Be Good Enough--Brene Brown is also another good reference) was really helpful for me. So many hugs to you! :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/difficult-relationship-with-mom#post-2742808 Thu, 01 Jun 2017 15:04:47 +0000 ElbieKay 2742808@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Your mom has to learn that visits with you are a privilege, not a right. Why should you tolerate that kind of treatment? I think you should tell her once, extremely clearly, that every time she says or does something mean the visit is over, and there won't be another visit for x weeks. And if it happens again, the time out duration will be doubled, and then tripled, etc.</p> <p>Do it bluntly. Who cares if she is hurt? She does not care about your feelings. You are doing her a favor by communicating the impact she is having on your relationship and giving her a chance to fix it rather than just cutting her off. You don't owe her a relationship if she won't treat you with respect.</p> <p>I was not close to any of my grandparents. It's fine. I'm fine. I'm 40 and not sad about it. Your daughter will be fine. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/difficult-relationship-with-mom#post-2742795 Thu, 01 Jun 2017 14:28:29 +0000 2PeasinaPod 2742795@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrskansas: I want to stress again that you have to be ready to be able to stand up to your mom. I understand being intimidated by her. I was also intimidated by my mom, and I was AWFUL at thinking on my feet. She was very good at twisting every conversation into her being the victim and me "attacking" her unnecessarily. My brothers and husband used to tell me to just stand up to her. It's not always that easy, and sometimes you can't do it until you're ready to do it. It had been ingrained in my being for 35 years that she was my mother and I couldn't disrespect her or cross her in any way or I'd pay consequences of tearing my family apart and being the only outsider. It was only when I was able to realize that wasn't the case that I could finally speak my mind and feel like I was in control of the situation. </p> <p>Something my therapist taught me to do was to repeat your wishes in response to anything she says. For example, if she tells you how uneducated you are again, your response could be, "That's a really hurtful thing to say, and I won't tolerate you saying it in front of my child again." If she says something in protest...even if it's something along the lines of her only pointing out the obvious or her just joking with you, you repeat that phrase, "It's still a very hurtful thing to say, and I don't want you treating me that way in front of my child. If you do it again, we'll limit visits with you." If she gets angry, sad, plays the victim, anything, you continue to repeat your message, even if it's slightly different wording. It helps her understand your position on the situation will not change and you will not budge on your boundary. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/difficult-relationship-with-mom#post-2742788 Thu, 01 Jun 2017 14:18:09 +0000 newlypregnantlady 2742788@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@gingerbebe: that's absolutely amazing. </p> <p>@SugarplumsMom: no problem! It took me 10 years to be able to say "my mom is an addict" and 15 years to say "my mother was abusive" so I totally understand how hard it is to establish boundaries with parents, and how easily they can gaslight a child. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/difficult-relationship-with-mom#post-2742780 Thu, 01 Jun 2017 13:57:59 +0000 SugarplumsMom 2742780@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@newlypregnantlady: Thank you for those links :heart: </p> <p>@mrskansas: Browsing through the links above, I found this to be very insightful.</p> <p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/51j7zm/i_made_a_cheat_sheet_from_the_famous_options_you/" rel="nofollow">https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/51j7zm/i_made_a_cheat_sheet_from_the_famous_options_you/</a> </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/difficult-relationship-with-mom#post-2742751 Thu, 01 Jun 2017 13:20:04 +0000 gingerbebe 2742751@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrskansas: One thing that really helped me was that my husband stepped in and told my folks (very very calmly, very softly, very politely) something along the lines of "This is the love of my life and the mother of my children. To me, she is beautiful, smart, and the most amazing person I know. So I would very much appreciate it if you would not speak unkind words to her or criticize her, particularly with regards to her weight or appearance, because it puts me in a very uncomfortable position where I feel the need to defend her, but I don't want to have unpleasant conversations with you during our visits. If you criticize her about anything having to do with our kids, please understand that we make all our parenting decisions together as a team. So if you have a problem with something we do for the boys, you can direct those concerns to me directly and I would be happy to address them with you. I want to be clear that I would never tolerate some of the comments you make to her if they came from anyone else, but out of respect for the fact that you're my in-laws and the grandparents of my children, I am asking you nicely to abide by our wishes. Otherwise, I will be forced to cut our visits, because I won't have my wife treated that way." </p> <p>My parents basically were gobsmacked.</p> <p>But because he had drawn that line in the sand, it made me even more hardcore about maintaining my boundaries with them. Because he totally put himself in a really vulnerable and uncomfortable position with my folks when he didn't have to and I wanted to make sure that I was going to stand up for myself, if nothing else to show him how much I appreciated that. I could cry thinking about it now. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/difficult-relationship-with-mom#post-2742709 Thu, 01 Jun 2017 12:40:03 +0000 mrskansas 2742709@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I have read each of your responses probably 4 times now and really appreciate every one of you responding!</p> <p>I've been thinking about this more and how I'm going to handle it going forward. My husband has also told me I just need to stand up to my mom and call her out when she says these things, but for some reason I have always been a bit intimidated by her. I'm going to work on this though and really try to figure out how to handle myself better in the future without getting really upset.</p> <p>Again, thank you all so much for the advice. It was seriously so helpful and it's nice to know that I'm not crazy for being upset by her words/actions. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/difficult-relationship-with-mom#post-2742658 Thu, 01 Jun 2017 11:25:58 +0000 littlejoy 2742658@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I am so sorry you're dealing with this. </p> <p>I've watched my husband's relationship with his mom over the last 12 years - it's incredibly emotionally manipulative. </p> <p>As others have mentioned, you are in control of the relationship. The best thing for us is living 2,000 miles away (I say this 1/2 kidding, but really, it's nice), and setting very firm boundaries. Since we've maintained our "rules", it helps us feel confident in our decision on navigating that relationship. We no longer allow her to make us feel guilty for our choices.</p> <p>Hang in there. I hope that with some strong boundaries, you find some relief in this toxic relationship. :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/difficult-relationship-with-mom#post-2742652 Thu, 01 Jun 2017 11:20:47 +0000 LCTBQE 2742652@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@gingerbebe: @azjax: @2PeasinaPod: brilliant advice, ladies :heart: :heart: :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/difficult-relationship-with-mom#post-2742644 Thu, 01 Jun 2017 11:04:45 +0000 catomd00 2742644@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My mom is a straight up narcissist. It took me until I was 30 to realized that I didn't owe her any type of relationship just because she was my mother. I highly considered cutting her out completely and forever, but it was painful to not have the rest of my family around. I did seriously limit contact until I had (through the help of therapy) figure out the best plan forward. My plan included giving her "one last shot" that started with a conversation detailing every last thing she does that is unacceptable and grounds for me cutting ties the next time it happens. She hasn't changed who she is at all to other people, but she tries to be on her best behavior towards me now because of it. The list I made took a long time to prepare, I prepared for months for the conversation. It's not easy, I totally get it though and there is absolutely nothing wrong with putting yourself and your little family first and doing what is best for you! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/difficult-relationship-with-mom#post-2742618 Thu, 01 Jun 2017 09:31:53 +0000 youboots 2742618@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Honestly, I have not seen or spoken to my Dad in over a year. He grabbed me and yelled at me in public at a nice restaurant on Mothers Day in front off my daughter. Nope! My daughter should never see her Mother be treated this way.</p> <p>I see a therapist once a month and I'm coming up on 3 years. It's been the best investment of my time/money ever. I trust her and she helps guide me and reassure me on setting boundaries with my family. I make the rules. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/difficult-relationship-with-mom#post-2742613 Thu, 01 Jun 2017 09:18:00 +0000 2PeasinaPod 2742613@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrskansas: I also wanted to say...the belly rub was completely disrespectful, and enrages me. I had 4 miscarriages, and my mom made them about her. She told me constantly how I had no idea how my miscarriages were affecting HER. Seriously? She also worked with a woman who used abortion as birth control and let me know every time she had an abortion. It was NOT helping at all and she couldn't see it. I know that it's really hard for people who haven't had a miscarriage to understand when their comments are inappropriate, and I now feel that it's my job to let them know when they are. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/difficult-relationship-with-mom#post-2742604 Thu, 01 Jun 2017 09:01:26 +0000 2PeasinaPod 2742604@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrskansas: I'm so sorry for your mom's hurtful comments. I'm also very sorry for your loss, and for the anniversary of the due date being on your birthday. Sending lots of love to you in that regard.</p> <p>As for your mom, so many people have given you great advice above. I also have a very toxic mom. While my childhood was different from yours, my mom did a number on my self esteem growing up. I was the only girl and took the brunt of a lot. I was constantly told how ugly I was or how my hair didn't look right styled a certain way. She always had to have control over me and my brothers. She's ruined every significant event in our lives, and it's heartbreaking.</p> <p>You will find that 1. You'll either come to a point where you can't take it any longer and snap (this is what happened to me), or 2. Distance yourself to the point where the relationship dissolves, but she makes it feel as if it's your fault. </p> <p>I wholeheartedly agree with @gingerbebe: regarding your daughter. I finally decided that I didn't want my sons seeing the way my mom treated me and think that it was ok to do the same to me. We had a big, blowup fight, and I cut her out of my life for 6 months. She tried to contact me several times throughout the 6 months, and I ignored her. She said a ton of really vile things during that time, but eventually came around and realized this was me putting my stake in the ground. I was setting boundaries, and she wasn't going to cross them again. If she did, I wouldn't tolerate it. </p> <p>Only you can decide when you've had enough and when you're ready to stand up to her. I can say that while I was ready when we had our big fight, I wasn't before that. And my brothers weren't ready to stand up to her at the same time. Everyone has to go through this at their own pace. Therapy has really helped me through how to handle situations in which she tries to manipulate me. If you can, I'd recommend you seeing someone to talk it through. I'm not great on my feet, and my therapist has given me solid tools to come back with if my mom tries to manipulate me on the spot now. I also say that our relationship is now on my terms, not hers. I decide when we talk. I decide when we see each other. If she crosses the line, we leave. End of story. </p> <p>This is a very long winded way of saying, I hope that you find the strength to set some boundaries with your mom. It's the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, but my life is so much better because of it. If you need to talk at all, please PM me! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/difficult-relationship-with-mom#post-2742584 Thu, 01 Jun 2017 08:06:47 +0000 periwinklebee 2742584@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>:heart: I'm sorry. There has been a ton of great advice already. I'm just really sorry you have to deal with this. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/difficult-relationship-with-mom#post-2742566 Thu, 01 Jun 2017 06:55:12 +0000 caterw 2742566@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@arosebyany: My ILs are like this also. My DH doesn't have a college degree but makes a decent middle class living as a restaurant manager. He worked his way up from the bottom, is a VERY VERY hard worker, and I am extremely proud of what he has accomplished. I do have a college degree, but I stay home with our children because he earns more than I did. They think being a SAHM "isn't contributing to the household" (MIL always worked). They are constantly offering us money and asking "Are you guys ok? Are you sure?"- it drives me crazy! They also don't like the town we live in and they think we are "controlling" with our children since I don't let them eat junk all day and insist upon basic safety protocols (i.e. car seat safety and not riding around on tractors while holding a baby). They don't visit unless DH begs them.... So we stopped chasing them and went pretty low contact in comparison my my parents. It sucks for DH to have a limited relationship with them, but he feels much better emotionally now that he doesn't chase them around. If they wanted a relationship where they didn't treat us like children that would be great. They won't though- their loss. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/difficult-relationship-with-mom#post-2742508 Wed, 31 May 2017 21:04:31 +0000 arosebyany 2742508@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrskansas: so I haven't read all of the responses, but I just wanted to be super pissed on your behalf. For Fuck sake when did we become a society where your worth is judged By your amount of education! Your mother sounds like a total asshole to me, belly rub, really? Was she trying to get drop kicked! Honestly this subject is super extra touchy to me because my ex fathers family was like that. They constantly looked down to people who actually had to work either thier hands for a living. If you didn't have a degree and didn't work in an office fuck you. I don't speak to them anymore and haven't for years. Higher education is not the be all, know all, end all. I have an associates degree that's worthless since I'm a SAHM. DH barely has a high school diploma and is ridiculously smart, like calculus is easy to him smart, and makes upwards of 150k a year. He would never have made it in college, classroom setting are not his thing. I am so so sorry you have to deal with this, and exspecially from your family :heart: I just don't understand the world today, when did just living a happy fulfilling life become not enough. It's always more, more, more. :bummed: in other news my mother is a bipolar drug addict alchoholic, who I haven't spoken too since I was 4 months pregnant with DS, whose now 17 months. Sometimes you just have to cut people out, for your sanity and to protect your children. I'm not saying that may be he case with your relationship, but it was with my mother, but that bitch is certifiable crazy so...</p> <p>Ps dark humor helps :happy: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/difficult-relationship-with-mom#post-2742500 Wed, 31 May 2017 20:52:25 +0000 azjax 2742500@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>First off, I am sorry for the insensitive comments from your mom!!!! Also, happy belated birthday!</p> <p>Regarding the difficult relationship, mine is strained with my mom for other reasons and we are geographically separated, so take my suggestions with that in mind.</p> <p>-Your mom may not realize how hurtful her comments are, so I would suggest telling her that she hurt your feelings. Be prepared for her to try to minimize or justify the things she said and stay focused on how what she said made you feel rather than on the content of the hurtful statements.<br /> -Enforce some boundaries. That is, I would firmly but calmly engage in corrective action when she does something undesirable with/around DD. Again, be prepared for her to resist you and defend her actions and stay focused on the boundaries you have chosen.<br /> -Accept that your mother may never give you the validation or approval that you desire and know that this has everything to do with her emotional deficiencies and nothing to do with your awesomeness.<br /> -Lastly, don't be afraid of hurting DD by introducing some space between you and your mother. Doing so will model how to protect oneself from emotional harm and is a positive thing! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/difficult-relationship-with-mom#post-2742481 Wed, 31 May 2017 20:19:43 +0000 Jennibenni 2742481@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@gingerbebe: Agreed completely. My mom has a difficult relationship with her mom and I certainly have gained nothing from watching them have tense interactions or hearing my grandmother say rude and hurtful things to my mom and her siblings. </p> <p>If your mother can't display proper relationship behavior and courtesy, then she shouldn't earn the privilege of the relationship. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/difficult-relationship-with-mom#post-2742473 Wed, 31 May 2017 20:04:28 +0000 wrkbrk 2742473@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrskansas: Holy shit. I stopped reading after the belly rub on the anniversary of your loss due date. Are you kidding* me? I am so very sorry that happened to you, especially by your mom. My mom is similar so I understand. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/difficult-relationship-with-mom#post-2742451 Wed, 31 May 2017 18:54:08 +0000 ScarletBegonia 2742451@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My mother has a very similar relationship to her mother - some interactions you describe as scarily similar to interactions I've heard between my mom, my aunt and my grandmother. </p> <p>I'm here to tell you that your daughter will be far more hurt by seeing YOU hurt that she will by missing out on a relationship with her grandmother. Of course I can only speak from my personal experiences but once I was old enough to understand (from the age or about 7/8), I always had an icky feeling in my stomach after hearing the things my grandmother would say to my mom, and no way at all to process it. Their relationship got more complicated rather than less complicated as time went on (and is now peaking in abusiveness and complexity as my grandmother enters the early stages of dementia), and my reactions to it became more extreme. I had panic attacks before family events and felt protective of my mother but with no ability to protect her. History also started to repeat itself with my sister and I (from my grandmother, not my mother). </p> <p>So, my advise is to prioritise your immediate family and don't be afraid to cut your mother off if her behaviour crosses the line (the situations you describe would cross the line for ME - but you need to decide that for yourself). Family ties mean a lot but they don't mean everything. </p> <p>Good luck x </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/difficult-relationship-with-mom#post-2742446 Wed, 31 May 2017 18:43:49 +0000 gingerbebe 2742446@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrskansas: "I don't know how to maintain a positive relationship with her without being constantly upset, but I feel like I need to because of my daughter."</p> <p>I want to speak to this part of your post.</p> <p>You will do far more damage to your daughter by being in a relationship with someone who constantly derides you, disrespects you, and hurts you and she sees it or even just feels your pain and tension. Would you want her to have a relationship with your mother if she acted that way towards your daughter?</p> <p>I have a long strained relationship with my parents and we have a highly orchestrated relationship when it comes to my children because I flat refuse to be disrespected in front of my kids. I told my folks I will shut it down if they cross the line. My husband has my back, he has personally asked them to stop their mistreatment of me, and it was even to the point where my brother told me I was being unreasonable because I had put up with their behavior my whole life, why was I trying to get my folks to change now? </p> <p>The reason was and is because I will not let my sons watch me be taken advantage of, pushed over, walked over, criticized, and insulted because I never want them to think treating anyone, especially their mother, a family member, or a woman that way is in any way acceptable. And there's NO guarantee my folks won't extend the same BS to my kids.</p> <p>We have short orchestrated visits where my kids have positive interactions with my folks and then we leave. I don't stay with them, I maintain their schedules and control over their activities, and what I say goes. I am laid back with my inlaws but not with my parents because they don't get that privilege. If my parents say mean things about me, one day they could say things like that to my kids and NOPE. Not happening.</p> <p>I'm so sorry this is happening to you but yeah, for your daughters sake I would REALLY think hard about what is more positive in the long run for your family. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/difficult-relationship-with-mom#post-2742408 Wed, 31 May 2017 16:54:13 +0000 2littlepumpkins 2742408@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Wow, I'm sorry she's like that to you. Does she realize you are hurt by her comments? I think sometimes mothers feel like since you are a part of them, they are free to criticize, and they forget you are a totally separate ADULT person. My MIL is a wonderful person overall, but sometimes she says things about her own kids that are kind of embarrassingly blunt/critical, and it throws me off completely. For what it's worth, it doesn't sound like a lot of people could meet your mom's standards. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/difficult-relationship-with-mom#post-2742405 Wed, 31 May 2017 16:50:19 +0000 Mrs. Oreo 2742405@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Sorry you're dealing with this. It's really tough. I have no advice as I'm going through an estrangement with my own mother after being close forever. In the last 5 years (she doesn't like DH for the most shallow reasons), our relationship has resorted to texting on special occasions. No advice, just relating. Hope someone here is able to give you what you seek. :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/difficult-relationship-with-mom#post-2742399 Wed, 31 May 2017 16:28:06 +0000 Littlebit7 2742399@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't have any advice to offer but so sorry you are dealing with this. As I was reading your post, I kept thinking if the word "mom" was switched to "friend" I'd just straight up suggest to cut that person out of your life. But it's not that easy with family, especially a parent.<br /> Hugs </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/difficult-relationship-with-mom#post-2742396 Wed, 31 May 2017 16:24:58 +0000 newlypregnantlady 2742396@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My relationship with my mother is complicated but not in the same way as yours, so idk how much you can take from my advice. But I made a decision a long time ago to protect my children from toxic relationships, and that absolutely includes their grandparents. </p> <p>For me that means you earn the right to be in my life and my children's lives. It's not something that just gets to happen because we happen to be related. For me the relationship you describe would be a recipe for going very low contact or even no contact. If I had a friend or coworker treat me in a similar way I'd stop talking to them. But I will also acknowledge that I'm ruthless when it comes to relationships with people. My mother was an addict growing up and I basically was never able to heal until I went no contact with her. It taught me that I've been conditioned since birth to accept the abuse and manipulation that my mother doles out. </p> <p>And to be perfectly honest I didn't grow up close to my grandparents and I don't feel like I really missed out on anything. It wasn't anything bad, we just grew up thousands of miles away so i only saw them once a year. </p> <p>A couple places that have helped me deal are:<br /> <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists" rel="nofollow">https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists</a><br /> <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbyborderlines/" rel="nofollow">https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbyborderlines/</a></p> <p>These two communities have given me a mental framework for dealing with the manipulation and abuse I grew up with.</p> <p>I wish you the best of luck. This stuff is the absolute worst to deal with! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/difficult-relationship-with-mom#post-2742391 Wed, 31 May 2017 15:47:54 +0000 Mrs. Sketchbook 2742391@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm really sorry. I called my mom out for her destructive behavior and, in her typical way, she got defensive and hasn't​ talked to me for a year. I am very reluctant to renew the relationship but I do small things like invite her to birthday parties, and have small get togethers at the holidays. I don't advise trying to communicate with her about your concerns unless you are totally ok with whatever fallout occurs. I also had a Frank conversation with my dad and stepmother as well as with my in laws and things were chilly for a while but now seem to be fine and, in the case of my stepmom, actually really flourishing. So it just depends on the relationship and how much stress it can tolerate. On my bad days I feel like my mom deserves the distance I put between us. On my good days I still believe she deserves it, but I don't think that my kids deserve the tension. I try only to make decisions when I'm feeling in control of my emotions. That's not always easy. I think if I were you I would deploy every tactic imaginable to limit contact and then see if you still feel like communicating with her.</p> <p>Some books:<br /> Toxic parents<br /> Will I Ever Be Good Enough?</p> <p>Both helped me!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/difficult-relationship-with-mom#post-2742390 Wed, 31 May 2017 15:47:17 +0000 JennyPenny 2742390@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I have difficulty interacting with my mom too. What she says isn't hurtful in such a direct and insulting way, but does suggest that my mom doesn't really listen and is often trying to one-up me. One way I've tried to make the best out of time with her even though it can make me upset is to just pay very careful attention to the things that strain the relationship and identify ways I can not do that with my kids. Like if she does something accidentally hurtful that I may do without thinking I take note and think "that hurt but it it's okay because noticing it will make me a better mom" or if it's something I would never do I get a self esteem boost like "well I'm a better mom than that!" That's my defense mechanism anyway. No clue if it's healthy but it might help... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/difficult-relationship-with-mom#post-2742370 Wed, 31 May 2017 15:11:23 +0000 oscarthegoon 2742370@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I am so sorry. The things you describe sound incredibly hurtful. I have not spoken to my mother in 15 years because of what I view as her toxicity. It's difficult to explain to my 7 year old, who has never met her, but understands that my dad's wife ("Grandma") is my stepmom, not my biological mom. I hope that I am setting a good example for him of protecting oneself and enforcing boundaries. And I always emphasize that that will never happen to us. </p> <p>Have you called out your mother on her hurtful comments? If she is willing to listen and try to understand, maybe the relationship can improve. If she dismisses you, then I would distance myself. If her behavior doesn't change, your daughter will become more aware of it as she gets older, and you don't want to expose her to that or teach her that it is acceptable to say things like that, or to let people treat you like that. And you shouldn't have to deal with being abused by someone who is supposed to love you. Hugs :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/difficult-relationship-with-mom#post-2742364 Wed, 31 May 2017 15:00:27 +0000 mrskansas 2742364@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My mom and I have never been that close. She wasn't around much when I was living at home and we've lived in different states ever since I graduated high school.<br /> She visits frequently due to the flexibility of her job, and lately I have really been struggling to maintain a positive relationship with her because of my daughter.</p> <p>She is just very critical and rude. For example:<br /> A few months ago she told me that she couldn't relate to me like she can my younger sister because I'm not "educated". I was floored by that. No, I don't have a master's degree like they do, but I do have a good, professional job and by no means am uneducated.<br /> Last Friday was my birthday and also the due date for my first loss, and she knew how difficult the day was for me. The first thing she did when she saw me was rub my belly and ask if there was anything in there because there was a bump. Later that same day, we were shopping with my sister who was trying on a dress. I asked what size it was and if I could try it on also, and my mom immediately interrupted and said there's no way that will fit you, you will need a bigger size.<br /> She told me last week that she wishes she and my dad wouldn't have gotten divorced because then maybe I would have gotten a better education and have been more successful. It's like I have failed at life already even though I'm 25, have been married to a great guy for 5 years, have a perfect 2 year old, a beautiful home and a good job.</p> <p>Sorry for the rambling but I'm just constantly hurt by her comments. I've also asked her repeatedly to not do certain things with my daughter (give her a cell phone to play with constantly, don't give her milk before she's eaten, etc) and she does it anyways, right in front of me even. </p> <p>I don't know how to maintain a positive relationship with her without being constantly upset, but I feel like I need to because of my daughter.</p> <p>Any advice or commiseration? </p>