https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Fri, 10 Apr 2026 15:51:45 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/disagreeing-on-who-to-tell-about-if#post-1735235 Wed, 02 Jul 2014 06:23:53 +0000 winter_wonder 1735235@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@LindsayInNY: I definitely understand your point about not wanting to listen to those opinions! People seem to think they have every right to give your their perspective. But, I also feel like people are too quick to judge/voice an opinion without having dealt with IF! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/disagreeing-on-who-to-tell-about-if#post-1734024 Tue, 01 Jul 2014 11:24:39 +0000 LindsayInNY 1734024@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@winter_wonder: I'm not a bible reader so I'm assuming that article is accurate. But, if it is, it makes a lot of sense... No destroying fertilized eggs/embryos and no donor specimens. That doesn't mean there's anything "wrong," in the church's eyes, with Clomid, IUI, etc. I'm tempted to hold back from telling immediate family if it takes assistance to get pregnant. Not because I'm embarrassed or ashamed or anything, but just so I don't have to hear opinions or have it spread around to distant family members. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/disagreeing-on-who-to-tell-about-if#post-1734014 Tue, 01 Jul 2014 11:20:12 +0000 LindsayInNY 1734014@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@bluestriped bee: Or maybe it's "Progressive Catholic"? "New Age Catholic"? "Modern Catholic"? Haha, who knows! Either way, even as traditional as she is, the bible doesn't seem to "prohibit" all forms of reproductive assistance. Sounds like she needs to educate herself! ;) And I dare her to confront DH or I about it... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/disagreeing-on-who-to-tell-about-if#post-1734013 Tue, 01 Jul 2014 11:20:00 +0000 winter_wonder 1734013@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@LindsayInNY: Love this article! I may just email it to my dad :) I feel like IF is hard enough as it is without having to deal with guilt. I like the 21st century Catholic title, it has a nice ring to it! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/disagreeing-on-who-to-tell-about-if#post-1733954 Tue, 01 Jul 2014 10:56:34 +0000 BSB 1733954@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@LindsayInNY: Well, I guess I'm a '21st century Catholic', too! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/disagreeing-on-who-to-tell-about-if#post-1733933 Tue, 01 Jul 2014 10:45:05 +0000 LindsayInNY 1733933@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@winter_wonder: From another Catholic point of view... One of DH's cousins just came out to her uber-religious parents (well, mom. Dad doesn't know.). MIL is repeating this story to me and their reactions and somehow it comes up that aunt/uncle don't believe in fertility treatments because that's not what the bible says. Except she's kinda wrong. I found this interesting: <a href="http://carm.org/what-does-bible-say-about-artificial-insemination" rel="nofollow">http://carm.org/what-does-bible-say-about-artificial-insemination</a> But, in any event, it's not her business what DH and I do, despite being Catholic. We're 21st century Catholic :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/disagreeing-on-who-to-tell-about-if#post-1733763 Tue, 01 Jul 2014 09:34:00 +0000 winter_wonder 1733763@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Robyn_ZA: It's irritating that since we are on this IF journey people feel the need to give unsolicited advice. </p> <p>I think this whole IF experience has taught me to be more sensitive and listen more to people rather than jumping in with advice! I guess that's the one positive I can take away from IF :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/disagreeing-on-who-to-tell-about-if#post-1733382 Tue, 01 Jul 2014 05:58:31 +0000 Robyn_ZA 1733382@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@winter_wonder: You're so right, I know she meant well but jeez that wasnt a nice thing to say! I nipped that conversation in the bud and haven't brought IF up again with her - with no plans to in future! </p> <p>What really grates me is that, had we been able to conceive naturally, we'd have a baby already or I'd at least be preggers by now. Would I be asked the same questions then, such as am I sure its my time for a baby? Am I sure I didn't try too hard to get pregnant? Nobody asks that! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/disagreeing-on-who-to-tell-about-if#post-1732975 Mon, 30 Jun 2014 17:29:22 +0000 winter_wonder 1732975@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Robyn_ZA: haha it's so awkward chatting with dads about that stuff! </p> <p>I'm glad you have at least one friend who is supportive! But, I'm sorry that your other friend is voicing her opinion about the stress part. Ugh! That's so ridiculous and also really hurtful in my opinion. I'm sure she's not helping your stress levels either...I can only imagine the extreme anger I'd feel if a friend told me that. Do people stop to think about what they're saying?! Good grief...</p> <p>I definitely know what you mean about sharing more later. DH's side doesn't know anything. If we are ever successful I think I'll feel more comfortable sharing this long and crazy journey. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/disagreeing-on-who-to-tell-about-if#post-1731170 Mon, 30 Jun 2014 01:07:20 +0000 Robyn_ZA 1731170@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Both DH and I are close to my parents (he comes from a disastrous family and only has contact with his younger brother) so they've been in the loop since the beginning. Well my Mom has known we've been trying since last year, I only brought my Dad up to speed earlier this year when he could see something was bothering me. Chatting about faulty ovaries and the like is something you try and avoid with your Pops for a good while haha.</p> <p>Friend wise, I initially only told one of my long time friends. She's been a neon lighthouse of positivity on my behalf and has believed each step would be our lucky step. I told another friend that I thought would be a great source of support, but she's turned out to have differing views. She's stuck on the idea that I'm stressing too much and trying too hard and that it will just happen for us if we chill out. DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THIS :shocked: </p> <p>We're not purposefully keeping it a secret, but not volunteering info out there either .I think we'll keep it on the down low until we have positive news to share. Then I'll be telling everyone about the literal blood, sweat and tears it took to get there! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/disagreeing-on-who-to-tell-about-if#post-1712654 Fri, 20 Jun 2014 13:29:29 +0000 winter_wonder 1712654@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@LaughLines: I really like the way you said this: "really, you wouldn't call having cancer a failure, and infertility is a medical issue too." I also love your DH's refreshing perspective!</p> <p>@FLIEGEPILZHUT: thank you :) I think this did give us a good indication about how much we'll tell. I don't think we'll likely tell much more (if we decide on a certain procedure). I just wanted them to know that we were dealing with IF. Wishing you all the best for IVF! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/disagreeing-on-who-to-tell-about-if#post-1711978 Fri, 20 Jun 2014 09:20:31 +0000 FliegepilzHut 1711978@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@winter_wonder: I'm so glad that your friends and family were (mostly) supportive. Being silent/keeping secrets is so hard...and feels shameful sometimes, even though obviously there's no "fault" in IF. It was nice of your dad to want to be involved...you know him best, but maybe this has given you a better idea of whether you would want to share information about any further interventions with him in the future. We're doing IVF and while our families know, all details are being shared on a strictly "need-to-know" basis. Anyway, just wanted to tell you I was happy to hear that your convo with DH went well and send you :heart: ! :goodluck: for the rest of your journey!</p> <p>@LaughLines: Your husband sounds like a great guy! :heart: to you both and :goodluck: !!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/disagreeing-on-who-to-tell-about-if#post-1711905 Fri, 20 Jun 2014 08:52:47 +0000 LaughLines 1711905@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I have PCOS and anovulary cycles, I took clomid for the first time this month and I told DH that I would be excited if it worked because then i would feel like less of a failure. He immediately said it's not about being a failure, and i asked him if he would feel that way if it were MF infertility and he said:</p> <p>"No I wouldn't, I would think that a small part of me has a medical condition through zero fault of my own that I will work to get fixed. Work to fix it with my other attributes and gifts, like being able to have a great job with insurance to address issues, or to make money to pay for treatments if I need to. Or dedication and drive to research the issue and find out what I can do to change it. Having resolve to try hard at it even if it is difficult."</p> <p>That really made me feel better and less like it's a failure issue... really, you wouldn't call having cancer a failure, and infertility is a medical issue too. </p> <p>Hopefully your DH can help to get the support he needs too. </p> <p>I'm sorry your parent's didn't give you the support you were looking for. As we all know, it's hard for people who don't have any experience in the situation to know how to react in a caring way without saying unintentionally painful things. Maybe with some time to process the news they'll get better </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/disagreeing-on-who-to-tell-about-if#post-1711553 Thu, 19 Jun 2014 23:36:19 +0000 winter_wonder 1711553@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>So, I wanted to give an update. DH and I chatted and he understood my reasons for letting some close friends and family know the situation with IF. We agreed on what to say and exactly who to tell. Yay! Thanks for your suggestions! </p> <p>I chose to tell two friends. One has been absolutely amazing. She is pregnant and sent me such a sweet email saying how hard it must be to see her pregnant and that she wants to be sensitive to my feelings. The other friend has also been quite supportive....but one thing did rub me the wrong way when she said she knows how it must feel each month when AF comes because [get ready for it]....it took her 2 whole months to conceive her child. I didn't say anything and I get that she doesn't really understand it...but I was tempted to roll my eyes!</p> <p>Family- DH and I decided to just disclose to my parents and grandma. My grandma has been absolutely amazing and has even opened up to me about her struggle to conceive a baby for 3 years...although back then there was no testing, diagnosis, etc. But, I feel so comforted when I chat with her on the phone. :heart: </p> <p>Now for the not so great part...<br /> I told my parents over the phone (I couldn't handle doing it in person). Anyway, they were both supportive over the phone. But...my dad emailed me today and wanted to provide some additional advice. I know his heart is in the right place but his advice really upset me :(<br /> My family is very Catholic (dad in particular). He was advocating for Naprotechnology (because it's something the church would be for, etc. because it's all about all sorts of testing but not anything "artificial" like IUI or IVF). He said that he just wanted to let me know about the approach and was absolutely not sharing that with me because of the church's stance on it. Anyway...the email ended up making me feel super upset and now guilty about possibly pursuing IUI in the future (or possibly IVF-although DH and I haven't talked in detail about this yet). Dang...I'm feeling that Catholic guilt. </p> <p>But, overall I think I feel happy with my decision to tell a select few about our IF struggle. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/disagreeing-on-who-to-tell-about-if#post-1694666 Thu, 12 Jun 2014 03:30:03 +0000 Mrs.Pinecone316 1694666@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@winter_wonder: I have a constant struggle with who to tell about IF and upcoming IVF. I think it is more normal for girls to talk openly with other girls about issues where guys don't. Making babies is never a topic of conversation between my husband and his friends so pretty much everyone who knows is close to me. </p> <p>I don't want my infertility to be common knowledge to any person but I also appreciate the prayers from the supportive people in my life. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/disagreeing-on-who-to-tell-about-if#post-1691988 Tue, 10 Jun 2014 20:39:44 +0000 winter_wonder 1691988@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@bluestriped bee: thank you so much for your heartfelt response :) I think you make a good point about some of the extra emotions that may be going on due to the MF issue. I think he feels really protective of this news. </p> <p>At some point I hope he'll feel comfortable telling a select few agreed upon people just the basics (not going into detail about MF). It's great that you received so much support on Facebook! I feel like any positivity and support is always welcome!</p> <p>I also really appreciate your book suggestion! I'll check it out! If you (or others) have any other book suggestions (just about IF) in general I would be super interested! Thank you!!!</p> <p>On another note, I'm sorry to hear about your PCOS and DOR. I hope something works out for you guys soon. :goodluck: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/disagreeing-on-who-to-tell-about-if#post-1691435 Tue, 10 Jun 2014 15:03:50 +0000 BSB 1691435@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@winter_wonder: So we started being vocal about our IF about 2 years nows. (Came out April 2013.) At the time, we didn't have any definite reasons for our IF, but with DH's health, we both thought that maybe it was a male factor. Although, we had a lot of IUIs and they were unsucessful. It wasn't until it was IF awareness week about 2 years ago that I wanted to come out. I wanted to post something to our friends. I wanted them to know our struggle and hope that they would be supportive. Coming from my DH, I understood that he felt like a failure and he was really hard on himself about 'failing at the one job he is suppose to do in TTC.' I tried to remind him that it could very well me a female IF factor. But those thoughts still entered his head. Until we found an answer, he would always have those thoughts. So I gradually mentioned it to him that I wanted to post something on facebook. But very limited. The first FB post was to my female friends. I thought they would understand. Also, at that time, I could not imagine my old coworker (a guy) knowing about our intimate issues. I found it weird. [This year for IF awareness week, I posted a similar post but this time I posted it to everyone (guys, too). Once again, I was surprised by all the support.]</p> <p>So I talked to my DH about it and he was hesitant-- just like I was. His family knows of his health condition and didn't want them to look at him differently. It was hard putting himself out there when (at the time), we mostly thought it was him. [Turns out, it was me. I was diagnosed finally 2 months ago with mild PCOS and DOR.)</p> <p>Anyway, my advice would be to talk to your DH and see how he really feels about IF. For our guys, they take IF differently. It could be as hard or harder for them because they aren't social butterflies and they don't have Hellobee. I've been on HB for 2 years now and I've definitely opened up and found courage in admitting our IF publicly. My DH and I are very private people, but when it comes to IF, we are fairly open. I still tell him when I post IF related things to give him a heads up. Because if someone didn't see my last few posts, they could still get curious and ask him about our trouble. </p> <p>Maybe ask him if you can share to only certain people and ask that they keep it a secret to respect your DH's wishes. I'm not sure if this is the reason, but I know early on, my DH would be afraid of the whispering or rumors being spread. Especially, if psychologically, he thought he was/is the blame. Luckily, when I came out, everyone was very supportive. </p> <p>There is an IF book that he could read "What to expect when she is NOT pregnant.' It could give support to your DH. I got the book for my DH and he found the book funny. I don't see my DH coming here to this site but I was giving him options on getting different kinds of support.</p> <p>Anyway, I'm hear for you if you want to talk about it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/disagreeing-on-who-to-tell-about-if#post-1684900 Fri, 06 Jun 2014 12:07:20 +0000 winter_wonder 1684900@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@ mrswin: Thank you! It feels great to be chatting with people who are in a similar situation :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/disagreeing-on-who-to-tell-about-if#post-1682921 Thu, 05 Jun 2014 19:18:18 +0000 mrswin 1682921@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@winter_wonder: Feel free to stop over to the weekly IF Check in thread, lots of great ladies there all going through IF <a href="http://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-check-in-65#post-1682656" rel="nofollow">http://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-check-in-65#post-1682656</a> </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/disagreeing-on-who-to-tell-about-if#post-1682542 Thu, 05 Jun 2014 17:29:20 +0000 FliegepilzHut 1682542@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Ditto what @MamaMoose: and @mrswin: said-- maybe you and he could agree on a couple of people (close friends or family) to tell and come up with a script or a limitation on how much detail you would share if the conversation strayed into certain areas. Before I had my own trouble, I had two different friends who were struggling to get pregnant...their support and "having been there" really meant a lot to me... (This was also before I found the IF boards on Hellobee. :wink: ). Everyone needs support...your DH may just need an entirely different kind of support than you're desiring right now! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/disagreeing-on-who-to-tell-about-if#post-1682520 Thu, 05 Jun 2014 17:21:30 +0000 winter_wonder 1682520@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mamamoose: I really appreciate all of the support I've been receiving from the bees! It's one of the main reasons I joined. IF can be so lonely, so I'm glad I can connect with others on here. </p> <p>You guys all gave such great advice! I'm going to talk to the hubs more about why I'm wanting to tell (i.e., needing support through this emotional time). Hopefully we can agree on something. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/disagreeing-on-who-to-tell-about-if#post-1679906 Thu, 05 Jun 2014 06:10:55 +0000 msmug 1679906@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>It took us almost 3 years of IF treatments before we got our bfp. During that time, we were initially hesitant about sharing with ppl, but we ended up sharing with parents, close friends, and close work friends. That ended up being so helpful since ppl were much more sensitive and understanding when I was having a bad day or bursting into tears for seemingly no reason. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/disagreeing-on-who-to-tell-about-if#post-1679501 Wed, 04 Jun 2014 21:12:44 +0000 derevival 1679501@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We personally only told two people: my boss because I needed an adjusted work schedule and his HR person for health benefits/stipend. I think it's important to both agree on who you will tell. I agree with an earlier post about framing it as wanting support. That's important too. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/disagreeing-on-who-to-tell-about-if#post-1679477 Wed, 04 Jun 2014 21:00:04 +0000 sapphire 1679477@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MamaMoose: I Agree with this approach. After we had been TTC 6 months I just couldn't handle all the "who is going to have a baby?" Talk that kept coming up with my friends. I told them, and DH was fine because he knew I needed the emotional support. However we haven't told family and that's really hard because my SIL is KU and it's a constant source of conversation ...but we're just not ready to talk about our sex lives with them yet! So overall I'd recommend talking to your husband about WHY in particular it might help you to share, and agree in who to possibly share with . </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/disagreeing-on-who-to-tell-about-if#post-1678615 Wed, 04 Jun 2014 14:30:21 +0000 wonderstruck 1678615@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>If I were your pregnant or new mom friend, I would definitely want to know. It wouldn't be about a pity party at all, I would just feel awful for not being as sensitive as I possibly could given the circumstances.</p> <p>Perhaps you and your SO could compromise and just tell some very close people about the if, and that you prefer to not get into the details but just want them to know since it can cause you to get a bit emotional sometimes, and it's hard right now when people ask about you having kids, etc. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/disagreeing-on-who-to-tell-about-if#post-1678612 Wed, 04 Jun 2014 14:28:35 +0000 snowjewelz 1678612@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Maybe you can sit down and talk about exactly what you would share with people so he can realize no one needs to know the details? I don't think people would be rude enough to pry! </p> <p>With your close friends, I think it's okay to talk about your struggles even in the midst of their good news. That's what friends are for! I think you can really use their support. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/disagreeing-on-who-to-tell-about-if#post-1678603 Wed, 04 Jun 2014 14:25:07 +0000 mrswin 1678603@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@winter_wonder: I'm sorry that you and your SO disagree on what to do but he does have a point if your only issue is MF, as I learned this can be very hard for them to cope with and the instinct is to ignore it :sad: </p> <p>I struggled with the same thing in the beginning and I explained to my SO that I need the support of a couple of close friends and that I wanted my mom to know so that she could manage comments. In the end we agreed that all we would say on the subject is that we were having some difficulties, that we were seeing a doctor, that we would reach out if we needed anything and would share once we had good news. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/disagreeing-on-who-to-tell-about-if#post-1678596 Wed, 04 Jun 2014 14:23:24 +0000 MamaMoose 1678596@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think a good compromise would be for you to let your husband know that you really feel like you need some additional support while you're going through this, and agree on a couple people whom you are both comfortable sharing with. That way, it's not out there for the whole world to know, but you have an additional outlet to talk about the struggle. Plus, you always have us! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/disagreeing-on-who-to-tell-about-if#post-1678581 Wed, 04 Jun 2014 14:18:51 +0000 winter_wonder 1678581@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I want to tell family and select friends about our IF struggles but DH disagrees. We're both pretty private but for some reason I just want to tell people about what's going on. </p> <p>DH feels like it's not anyone else's business and would rather wait until we have good news to share (hopefully we do at some point). I think this mainly stems from the fact that IF issues are due to his morphology and he feels embarrassed. I get this. But, I don't feel like we have to share everything. I was thinking of sharing something more general, not getting into details about results from his SA.</p> <p>Anyway, it's so hard when people are constantly making comments. For example, just last weekend his mom was over and said something about how "when you guys have kids..." I know these comments are very innocent. But, it's also really hard and emotional for me to hear them. I feel like if she knew something was going on she would be more careful about what she said. </p> <p>I'm just afraid (especially at a family function or something) that someone will catch me off guard and ask me about when we're having kids. I've been so emotional about the whole process lately. I'm worried that I could start tearing up in front of everyone or something. </p> <p>This is turning into one rambling post......</p> <p>I also have two close friends that know we've been trying for quite awhile. I'll be seeing both of them next week and I have a feeling something is going to come up and one of them will ask about updates on our end. But, and here is the kicker.....one just had her baby earlier this month and the other one just announced she is pregnant. I feel like it's not the right time for me to just lay out all of my crappy IF news? I feel like it might come off as a pity party when they both have good news to celebrate? In all honesty I think the visit is going to be hard. </p> <p>Any advice you have would be appreciated. Whew...I feel better after just typing all of that. </p>