https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Mon, 20 Jul 2026 03:17:59 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/disagreement-vs-judgement/page/2#post-2322843 Fri, 16 Oct 2015 03:39:33 +0000 Cherrybee 2322843@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think it's the same thing. Surely, if you actively disagree with something then you would judge someone who did it. Like CIO - I personally don't disagree with it but if I did I would surely judge someone who left their baby crying. </p> <p>Some things were not for our family - like using cloth nappies or baby-led weaning - but I wouldn't say I disagree with them, they're just not for us. I wouldn't judge someone who did them because I don't think they're "wrong". </p> <p>But some things I do disagree with - like bed sharing with a young baby (without an arms length co-sleeper). I actively disagree with that and, while I'd never be an arse about it, I might secretly judge somebody who did it. And FFing at 1 year - that's something I did that people really disagree with and I expect to be judged for it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/disagreement-vs-judgement/page/2#post-2322842 Fri, 16 Oct 2015 03:02:06 +0000 gingerbebe 2322842@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think of disagreeing as just being different. I think judgement is when you apply a negative causational value to that difference. For our son we chose to sleeptrain with full on extinction CIO and he's super scheduled. But I have zero problem with families that choose otherwise and I tell people all the time that you do what works for your marriage and your child and I mean it. Because every child and every family is different and I'm not in your shoes and you aren't in mine. That's disagreeing or having differences. When I see a mom endanger a child in some way, that's beyond disagreeing - I'm probably judging you by placing a negative value on you for that different decision. You left your child unattended next to a busy intersection isn't just a different parenting choice - it's a decision that makes me think of you negatively because you are endangering kid. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/disagreement-vs-judgement/page/2#post-2322840 Fri, 16 Oct 2015 02:51:01 +0000 Kemma 2322840@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think judgement (and disagreement) are just a part of human nature but it's possible to disagree and make a judgement without being an arsehole about it! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/disagreement-vs-judgement#post-2322795 Thu, 15 Oct 2015 22:50:53 +0000 Rocker2014 2322795@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think some of this question is related to personality, also. I have a close person in my life who perceives all disagreement as judgement. I love this person dearly, and it is very hard to watch them constantly feeling criticised, insecure and judged when most of the time there is no negativity intended. It has really highlighted for me the differences between the two. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/disagreement-vs-judgement#post-2322773 Thu, 15 Oct 2015 22:09:48 +0000 808love 2322773@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>To me, disagreement is when you don't feel/think the same way. Not for me. (Chicken is not for me.) Judging is when you think the other person is wrong/immoral/harmful if they do it. (Eating chicken is inhumane.) Or if you generalize it other things about the person, beyond what the choice is. (If you eat chicken, you don't care about animals.) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/disagreement-vs-judgement#post-2322247 Thu, 15 Oct 2015 16:15:52 +0000 Rockies11 2322247@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@daniellemybelle: yeah, I don't think it's a licence to be rude or anything. I wouldn't say to a guest at a wedding "you wore THAT?!" although I might say to a person on the internet that was soliciting a general opinion as to what they wore to a wedding what my opinion is, if that makes sense. Like with parenting, when my sister rolls her eyes or says mean things about what I am doing to address my kid crawling around the grocery store floor, I feel angry. When I raise the fact that my kid crawls around on the floor at the grocery store and I tried X and it didn't work and does anyone have a better idea at my parenting group, I am totally fine with anything anyone has to say. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/disagreement-vs-judgement#post-2322210 Thu, 15 Oct 2015 15:54:57 +0000 daniellemybelle 2322210@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Rockies11: I tend to agree. I don't think it is evil to make judgments because it is totally natural. </p> <p>I don't think it's polite or kind to give side eye or make snide remarks to strangers. And I don't think it's a good idea to give unsolicited comments or advice to folks you know. And even on the Internet, I think it's important to be thoughtful about how you say things even when advice has been solicited. </p> <p>I don't think common courtesy means you can't have ever opinions about other people's choices which is what I think judgment is. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/disagreement-vs-judgement#post-2322173 Thu, 15 Oct 2015 15:44:01 +0000 Rockies11 2322173@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think that disagreement/judgement is totally natural and I actually hate the whole "mommy wars" thing because people disagree with each other. On no other topic are people expected to think everyone else's choices are okay or that we should always be supportive of them. If you asked 10 people to list all of the things that are appropriate wedding guest attire, there would be a variety of opinions and disclaimers and clarifications for context, but nobody would expect that we all agree or else we're judging someone. </p> <p>Parenting is such a broad topic, and everyone was raised differently, and most people don't even agree across the board with their partners, let alone family, friends, and people on the internet. A lot of these feelings and beliefs are very strong and emotional because parenting is close to the core of who we are and what our personalities and values are. It's no wonder that we feel sensitive about those choices and more prone to feeling like people are judging us. </p> <p>I think pretty much every choice we make as a parent we make because we feel like it's better than the alternative. We don't spank because we think it's better than spanking. Other people do spank. We think that's worse than not spanking. Is that a judgement? Probably. But I think whatever it is, it's part of the normal process of shaping your values as a family. I love reading lots of different ways people do things so that I can be like - oh that's a great idea, or yikes, that's not a fit for me at all. It's a process of judgement I suppose, but I feel okay about that. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/disagreement-vs-judgement#post-2322082 Thu, 15 Oct 2015 15:12:05 +0000 sarac 2322082@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@catomd00: "think the people feeling judged should take more responsibility for their feelings and insecurities instead of pointing the finger at those who disagree I guess."</p> <p>You just really hit the nail on the head for me there, and it generalizes to a lot of different situations. For instance, one of my oldest and dearest friends has just cut me out of her life because I introduced her exhusband to a woman who he is now dating. They've been divorced for a while, but she's clearly not ready to move on. And instead of owning her sad feelings and taking responsibility for them, she's just gone nuts on me and told me that I've betrayed her and taken sides and on and on. </p> <p>Point being, we all have feelings, but usually they're our responsibility, and for us to deal with. If you tell me that you're doing CIO and I say 'oh, I don't agree with that at all', that's judgmental and kind of jerky. But if I just say cool and move on and keep my feelings to myself, then the situation is really different. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/disagreement-vs-judgement#post-2322081 Thu, 15 Oct 2015 15:12:01 +0000 Adira 2322081@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think it's definitely possible to disagree with something FOR YOUR FAMILY without judging the other person. Whereas if you disagree with something IN GENERAL, you're probably judging people who do it. Because seriously? Who would do something like that, am I right?? A-holes.</p> <p>For example, we don't co-sleep, use cloth diapers, or stay at home. But I certainly don't think any of those things are wrong and I can understand why other people do them. Those choices (sometimes not choices) weren't right FOR US. But they are still perfectly valid choices that work for other families.</p> <p>On the other hand, I have strong beliefs that only feeding your kid once a day is cruel and I wouldn't be able to wrap my head around someone who did that. So if I met someone who did that, I'd definitely be judging them! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/disagreement-vs-judgement#post-2322071 Thu, 15 Oct 2015 15:09:09 +0000 rachiecakes 2322071@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>The way I think of disagreement is "we have different opinions and that's okay" where judgement is more "we have different opinions and mine is right"</p> <p>I actually think it's interesting to know people that have different ways of doing things because it opens up so many different possibilities that although may not be for me, give me a different perspective. I appreciate that.<br /> When someone is outright judge-y, it's such a turnoff to me. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/disagreement-vs-judgement#post-2322051 Thu, 15 Oct 2015 15:03:11 +0000 sarac 2322051@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Herrade: It's kind of hard to say anything about CIO, when people feel that way. I think CIO sucks. I wouldn't do it, short of some kind of post partum baby sleep induced psychosis or serious depression (which I actually got to with my first child, so it was on my radar). It's hard for me to understand how people are ok with letting their children cry short of that.</p> <p>All of those things are judgmental, to people, and I never really know how to feel about it. Lots of my dear friends have done some kind of CIO, and I love them, and I don't think negative things about them because of it, but I still don't really understand it. I'm certainly not trying to judge. It's just a lack of comprehension. I guess that reads as judgement, which is unfortunate. I see a lot of people say 'this works for me, that works for you', and I honestly just don't feel that way about it. I guess that's judgement, but since it exists mostly in my head, I really don't feel bad about it. Everyone has things that they consider right and wrong, and this is one of them for me.</p> <p>I think the only real solution is to just keep those thoughts in your own head and mind your own business about it. Which, honestly, I think we could all stand to do a lot more of when it comes to parenting. I don't usually agree with the choice to do CIO, but it's not my business, it isn't anyone else's problem, and I don't make it so. I also prefer to talk about the act, and not the person doing it I think CIO sucks, but I don't think that people who do it are terrible. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/disagreement-vs-judgement#post-2321999 Thu, 15 Oct 2015 14:44:00 +0000 Maysprout 2321999@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm not sure what the diff is.</p> <p> I think conversation is normal and it's an art to be able to discuss topics without implying a slight to a different way of doing things. So I think a lot of times people become offended at verbal missteps or over interpret words and aren't all that gracious in giving people the benefit of the doubt in their occasional lack of eloquence. </p> <p>But there's some people who think they should be dictator of the world. And discussion of any idea is more them trying to enlighten their ignorant audience than treating their friend as a rational adult. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/disagreement-vs-judgement#post-2321975 Thu, 15 Oct 2015 14:32:16 +0000 daniellemybelle 2321975@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>So, most of the time when I disagree with someone's parenting choices, I think I'm (inwardly) judging that choice, too. Not them as a person - like, you are a bad parent - but I am making a judgment about that choice. I think judgment is seen as a really dirty word in parenting circles but doesn't it really mean to have an opinion of something?</p> <p>There are times when I think that something is not for me, or for my LO, but I think how anyone else decides to do it is fine and dandy. And then there are a handful of things I disagree with (and probably "judge.")</p> <p>All that to say: I try my very hardest to not let people know I am "judging" their choice! Because, honestly, what I think doesn't matter. So, I will usually try to not even tell them I disagree unless they point blank ask me what I think. When I've been on the receiving end, any kind of unsolicited commentary or well meaning advice in disagreement with my choices feels like judgment to me. (ETA: Dirty looks count here, too. ;) )</p> <p>It's harder on the Internet when folks openly ask for opinions and advice. At that point, I think it's just about being polite and respectful and not making a broad judgment of someone as a person/parent. If you can't bring yourself to be nice, just don't even respond. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/disagreement-vs-judgement#post-2321948 Thu, 15 Oct 2015 14:22:57 +0000 JoyfulKiwi 2321948@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@catomd00: I feel like judgement stems mostly from the person feeling judged. Not just in parenting, but in many areas of life. Like Foodnerd said, I've always found myself feeling "judged" in areas where I was already insecure, doubting myself, or feeling guilty. Most of the time, I think people are just expressing disagreement or a differing point of view. I would say more blatant judgement would be if someone said something like, "We don't do CIO, because we think it damages babies. I can't believe you would do that to your kid!" But it's pretty rare that I read/hear people put a moral value of right/wrong on someone's choices right to their face. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/disagreement-vs-judgement#post-2321567 Thu, 15 Oct 2015 12:18:13 +0000 lemondrop 2321567@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>To me disagreement is, "Oh, I wouldn't do that in our situation." Judging is, "They are a crappy human being/parent" for something really bad, like what shows up on the 10pm news. Judging doesn't happen often in my situation, there are plenty of people I disagree with, but I move on and don't really give it another thought. I give support to other parents, but their actions don't make me lose sleep, just like mine shouldn't really effect them either. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/disagreement-vs-judgement#post-2321525 Thu, 15 Oct 2015 12:02:28 +0000 catomd00 2321525@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs.KMM: your thread definitely reminded me, but I've been wondering this a lot lately since it's come up quite a bit in my local moms group. It wasn't necessarily a reaction to you feeling judged in the thread itself but to your initial post that you felt judged by people "in real life"... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/disagreement-vs-judgement#post-2321493 Thu, 15 Oct 2015 11:50:53 +0000 Greentea 2321493@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't think there is anything wrong with having an opinion. I think that is a good thing. The way it is separate from judgement for me is to keep myself in check, to remember I am not always right, don't know everything, don't know the whole story, it can change at any time.. It is keeping an opinion with an open mind- and that isn't judgement in a negative sense. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/disagreement-vs-judgement#post-2321488 Thu, 15 Oct 2015 11:47:14 +0000 Charm54 2321488@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think it comes down to if you think your parenting choices make you a better mother than someone else, and if you try to impose your choices on others. </p> <p>My BFF and I differ on a lot of parenting choices - she EBFs, I bottle feed. She co sleeps, I have my LOs in their own rooms since day 1. She uses cloth, I use disposables. That being said, I know we both respect each other and what works for our families...I think she's an amazing mother and she doesn't think negatively about my mothering either. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/disagreement-vs-judgement#post-2321472 Thu, 15 Oct 2015 11:43:18 +0000 Freckles 2321472@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think when it comes to parenting choices, disagreement comes off as judgment, especially if it's an area that you're sensitive about. Even me saying, "i'm hoping to cloth diaper my kids" gets some moms riled up and defensive about using disposables. </p> <p>@travellingbee: Spot on! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/disagreement-vs-judgement#post-2321469 Thu, 15 Oct 2015 11:42:41 +0000 littlejoy 2321469@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Foodnerd81: "I will say that in my experience as a mom, the times I have *felt* most judged are the times I am most insecure with my decisions." -- THIS!!!!! I couldn't BF sucessfully for many reasons (mostly genetic), so I find that I was SUPER sensitive about the topic. It's something that I lacked confidence about, so that's where I feel like I judged others, and where I was judged. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/disagreement-vs-judgement#post-2321453 Thu, 15 Oct 2015 11:37:34 +0000 littlejoy 2321453@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think you &amp; I feel the same ... Allllll of our friends have kids right now, and of course, we are alllll doing very different things. </p> <p>I'd say I disagree with some things my friends do (ie: I just wouldn't do it that way with my family, or it just couldn't work), but I don't judge them, because I know they are amazing moms and dads. </p> <p>I'd say my judgement pops in with parents I don't know. But, this extends beyond parenting. If I see someone having a loud conversation on their phone while grocery shopping, I probably judge them ... but really, what if it's a mom who only has 1 hour to herself, and she wants to talk to her girlfriend?? </p> <p>I try to stay humble, and catch myself whenever I'm getting judgey. I've voiced concerns about friends parenting styles (whether it's something I'm jealous of, wish we did, or can't imagine doing), and DH always reminds me that we're on our own journey. It's simply not my place to judge. If it's a safety issue (and only then), I will say something. </p> <p>Jealously, judgement, etc. are totally healthy and normal feelings ... I think it means that you emapthetic and constantly searching for what's "right". Plus, the first year of parenting is hard ... you're just swarmed with advice and new friends and fear of the unknown. I'd say that most of my questioning and disagreement and jealously and whatever is gone now that I'm out of the first year. Now I'd be like, "Thanks for your opinion, let me show you where you can put it!" if someone questioned me. And, I've learned to make suggestions when asked. (Unless it's about what potty to use, because I am really passionate about that, lolol). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/disagreement-vs-judgement#post-2321155 Thu, 15 Oct 2015 10:08:14 +0000 Foodnerd81 2321155@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Good question! </p> <p>I will say that in my experience as a mom, the times I have *felt* most judged are the times I am most insecure with my decisions. When I feel confident with a decision I made for my family, I tend not to feel judged and can more easily view something as a disagreement than a judgment. So, in that sense, the difference is more on me than the other person. </p> <p>That said I also agree that there is still a difference between a different opinion/ view (I think it's best to start solids at 6 months) and a total judgment (I would NEVER start solids before 6 months!) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/disagreement-vs-judgement#post-2321121 Thu, 15 Oct 2015 09:59:35 +0000 meredithNYC 2321121@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>It's super complicated, for sure. But my take is, in the thread that this thread is referring to, the OP seemed to be looking for support and not so much a debate? When people post things in that vein, I tend to only comment to, you know, offer support -- unless, of course, we're talking about like, a case of seriously bad (dangerous or harmful) parental decision-making. </p> <p>I also think that there are certain commenters who take a pretty dismissive/rude tone and sorry, but that does imply judgment to me. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/disagreement-vs-judgement#post-2320987 Thu, 15 Oct 2015 09:30:16 +0000 snowjewelz 2320987@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@catomd00: Btw, in your context, I don't agree with sleep training either. Tons of people I know sleep train their babies. I think I just keep my mouth shut b/c it's true; in saying that I don't agree with it and it's not the right choice for us, I feel like 90% of time people will pretty much assume that means you think they're wrong. And it's so hard to explain yourself after to clarify! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/disagreement-vs-judgement#post-2320986 Thu, 15 Oct 2015 09:29:12 +0000 looch 2320986@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>For me, it's about context. The classic example on this board is when someone starts a thread about a hot button topic and a user chimes in with "I'd never do that, here's why the opposite is better." </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/disagreement-vs-judgement#post-2320966 Thu, 15 Oct 2015 09:25:24 +0000 78h2o 2320966@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@snowjewelz: I agree with this, and think that disagreement is especially likely to turn to judgement when it's viewed as right/wrong or good/bad vs. better/worse. More value laden, I guess. </p> <p>Also, I find myself more apt to judge behavior that I disagree with more than beliefs.</p> <p>ETA: For example, I judge Kim Davis' behavior harshly because I feel like the stance she has taken (refusing to grant marriage licenses as the law allows) is wrong. I disagree with her belief, but I understand where it is coming from and I don't feel like I really judge her for her belief. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/disagreement-vs-judgement#post-2320946 Thu, 15 Oct 2015 09:18:24 +0000 blackbird 2320946@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Eko: Yes, to your last line! I feel like when people disagree without judgement, there is often a "caveat" of some sort stated. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/disagreement-vs-judgement#post-2320931 Thu, 15 Oct 2015 09:14:22 +0000 T.H.O.U. 2320931@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@catomd00: sorry just read your response. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/disagreement-vs-judgement#post-2320926 Thu, 15 Oct 2015 09:13:02 +0000 T.H.O.U. 2320926@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Herrade: but does Feeling Judged = Judgement ?</p> <p>I don't always agree that just because someone voices their disagreement that it means they are judging you. I think sometimes there are personal issues going on if every time someone disagrees that they feel judged. </p>