https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Mon, 20 Apr 2026 16:30:38 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/do-you-trust-your-partner-to-respect-your-wishes#post-2049193 Sun, 01 Feb 2015 06:24:14 +0000 Mrs. Lemon-Lime 2049193@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@ShootingStar: the article I linked to has a picture of Terri Schiavo's grave marker. I'm not sure if her husband chose the wording, but it felt a bit callous given her parent's stance. Anyway, it still reads how both you and I feel about brain dead. The marker lists her birth date, her death date (1990) and the day she departed the earth (2005). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/do-you-trust-your-partner-to-respect-your-wishes#post-2049179 Sun, 01 Feb 2015 03:26:37 +0000 Skadi 2049179@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Yes, absolutely. On a related note, we've talked about at what point we feel it necessary to take our own lives. I am a strong proponent of dying with dignity, although having a right to die is illegal in my state. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/do-you-trust-your-partner-to-respect-your-wishes#post-2049150 Sat, 31 Jan 2015 23:48:46 +0000 ShootingStar 2049150@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think DH would be way more likely to be optimistic about the situation than I would. If it gives him comfort or somehow makes him feel better to keep me going, I'm ok with that. But to me, brain dead *is* dead so I'd already be gone in a Terry Schiavo situation. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/do-you-trust-your-partner-to-respect-your-wishes#post-2048923 Sat, 31 Jan 2015 17:03:41 +0000 looch 2048923@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@jedeve: not at all! Our attorney suggested it, because he has seen cases where spouses and parents actually go against the wishes of the person. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/do-you-trust-your-partner-to-respect-your-wishes#post-2048866 Sat, 31 Jan 2015 16:09:24 +0000 jedeve 2048866@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@looch: do you mind if I ask why? I just haven't heard of anyone going that route. I could see my dad being able to make less emotional decisions than my DH. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/do-you-trust-your-partner-to-respect-your-wishes#post-2048779 Sat, 31 Jan 2015 13:42:22 +0000 Mae 2048779@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I feel like every situation is so unique that I haven't really expressed specific wishes. I trust that he would do what he would think was right, and I'm comfortable with his deciding for me. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/do-you-trust-your-partner-to-respect-your-wishes#post-2048728 Sat, 31 Jan 2015 12:23:28 +0000 yoursilverlining 2048728@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Yes, I trust my husband to respect my end-of-life-care decisions, though I understand that the reality of making those decisions would be harder than the conceptual agreement to do so. I hope that if we find ourselves in that situation, that we are all strong enough to do what's best, even if that's a hard and painful decision to make. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/do-you-trust-your-partner-to-respect-your-wishes#post-2048722 Sat, 31 Jan 2015 12:08:57 +0000 looch 2048722@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My husband is not the person that will make end of life decisions for me. I've designated someone else in our estate planning. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/do-you-trust-your-partner-to-respect-your-wishes#post-2048717 Sat, 31 Jan 2015 11:54:40 +0000 Applesandbananas 2048717@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@blackbird: I agree! I think there are too many factors that could come into play to truly be able to discuss every possible circumstance. But I do trust DH to make the best choice. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/do-you-trust-your-partner-to-respect-your-wishes#post-2048671 Sat, 31 Jan 2015 11:06:49 +0000 macintosh 2048671@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Lemon-Lime: His parents were shell shocked. They both came for a few days but they didn't say much. It was really hard for them to process. His sister was there, too and she was on the same page with me. We were all there (my mom, too) the day he had the first brain surgery, waiting for the surgeon to tell us how it went. We all breathed a collective sigh of relief when we found out he survived the surgery and it made a meaningful difference. Looking back, that was only the beginning of a long road. His parents seemed to have the hardest time accepting that he was going to be disabled.</p> <p>@littlebug: that sounds like such a tough situation. I wonder what your experience has been with people who do have some brain function but are in a coma for an extended time. My DH was in a coma for about 3 weeks. Based on the indicators I read about, that length of time is typically a predictor of poor recovery outcome. Luckily that was not the case with DH. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/do-you-trust-your-partner-to-respect-your-wishes#post-2048641 Sat, 31 Jan 2015 10:39:27 +0000 littlejoy 2048641@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Wow, what a powerful topic. We've had vague conversations about this issue, but nothing specific. I side with your husband: believe in medical miracles. My husband would rather die than be in a vegetative state.</p> <p>We live in Oregon where we have physician assisted death (should we ever choose that) ... I'm all for people making decisions for their health and death. &lt;- Hopefully, this can happen before such an issue comes up. </p> <p>To your question: I do think my husband would respect my wishes. Honestly, I think I'd be the one to not respect his. Like I said, he's said so many time, "You better just pull the plug!" - For me, that's too hard to accept. I would have to weigh so many considerations first.</p> <p>Thanks for the reminder that this is a very important conversation that all couples should have! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/do-you-trust-your-partner-to-respect-your-wishes#post-2048636 Sat, 31 Jan 2015 10:37:19 +0000 Dandelion 2048636@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Yes, but I also have a living will. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/do-you-trust-your-partner-to-respect-your-wishes#post-2048634 Sat, 31 Jan 2015 10:33:29 +0000 Freckles 2048634@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Yes, we don't believe in long term life support, and have discussed it many times. He is a very rational man, and I trust that he will respect my wishes. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/do-you-trust-your-partner-to-respect-your-wishes#post-2048625 Sat, 31 Jan 2015 10:22:25 +0000 littlebug 2048625@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrbee: I heard that story on NPR, and plan to read his book. I was fascinated. It was one of those NPR "driveway moments" for me. </p> <p>I am a hospital SW, so I have seen too many times what happens when families don't know what a patient wants. We just recently had a patient who has no brain stem function, obviously vent-dependent, and - in all honesty - looks like a corpse. He has been that way for at least 2 years, just "living" on the vent in a nursing facility. We had many conversations with his mother (he's only 52), and she just can't let go. We all walked out of his room and cried...on multiple occasions. I simply cannot imagine that this is what this man wants for his "life." What kind of qualify of life is that?</p> <p>So for me, it's all about quality of life. If I am bed-ridden, vent-dependent, and have no idea what's happening around me? Pull the plug. Not only does it affect my quality of life, but it affects my family's. What kind of life can my husband or children have if they're constantly coming to visit me, a lump in a bed? </p> <p>Regarding feeding tubes, sometimes they are placed for comfort. Dying starving is not a quality, comfortable way to die. But you have to have a good physician who is knowledgeable about palliative, end-of-life care to walk you through this decision. Many physicians won't place a feeding tube in a dying patient because they feel that that will prolong their life, when in reality it just makes their remaining days more comfortable. </p> <p>I am a huge proponent of advanced directives and palliative and hospice care. They are under-utilized in our society, and woefully misunderstood. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/do-you-trust-your-partner-to-respect-your-wishes#post-2048604 Sat, 31 Jan 2015 10:00:28 +0000 Mrs. Lemon-Lime 2048604@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@macintosh: :heart: that was a tough decision, but it's what I would want my husband to do too and what I would do for him. Doctors were already trying one treatment and you had another timely treatment option. What kinds of things did his parents say or do during those agonizing days? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/do-you-trust-your-partner-to-respect-your-wishes#post-2048597 Sat, 31 Jan 2015 09:49:38 +0000 macintosh 2048597@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I actually had to make a decision like this when I was newly married and DH and I had never had this discussion. It wasn't quite the same as the Schiavo case.</p> <p>After DH's accident, there was a period of rapid swelling in his brain. One doctor actually told me he was likely to be brain dead. Others said there was no way to know the extent if the damage.</p> <p>3 days after the injury, he still had high intra-cranial pressure. The medication was not controlling it and they wanted to operate to remove a portion of his skull to relieve the pressure. This was my decision, I was told, that I could opt not to have the surgery if he wouldn't want it. The damage was already so extensive that there was no telling what his outcome would be.</p> <p>DH just made himself breakfast and is eating it in front of the TV while I get ready for the day. Boy am I glad he had that surgery 2 years ago :grin: :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/do-you-trust-your-partner-to-respect-your-wishes#post-2048595 Sat, 31 Jan 2015 09:48:18 +0000 blackbird 2048595@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I trust my husband to make the best decision he can at the time. Whatever it may be. He knows I don't want to be a burden but it is his call wholly. He can make it </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/do-you-trust-your-partner-to-respect-your-wishes#post-2048586 Sat, 31 Jan 2015 09:39:56 +0000 Little Misters Mom 2048586@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Lemon-Lime: I'm actually going to start a separate thread on this. By using it to begin the discussion with our (normally very closed) parents, and it went from just asking them to write an advanced directive to a conversation about their own parents' deaths, what they believe makes for a good life and a good death, etc. I'm so grateful they had a chance to share those feelings with me. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/do-you-trust-your-partner-to-respect-your-wishes#post-2048580 Sat, 31 Jan 2015 09:29:49 +0000 mrbee 2048580@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I was always a big believer in tests for brain function, but then I listened to this story... and it seems like those tests aren't always accurate!</p> <p><a href="http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2015/01/09/376084137/trapped-in-his-body-for-12-years-a-man-breaks-free" rel="nofollow">http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2015/01/09/376084137/trapped-in-his-body-for-12-years-a-man-breaks-free</a></p> <p>I lean towards pulling the plug (on myself) overall though... not a fan of long-term life support. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/do-you-trust-your-partner-to-respect-your-wishes#post-2048577 Sat, 31 Jan 2015 09:19:35 +0000 Mrs. Lemon-Lime 2048577@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Little Misters Mom: The Conversation Project sounds exactly like what we should use to revisit our own discussion. Thank you for sharing that! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/do-you-trust-your-partner-to-respect-your-wishes#post-2048573 Sat, 31 Jan 2015 09:17:03 +0000 Mrs. Lemon-Lime 2048573@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cole: good point about the no vent/ kids example. there was one similar I read on a site regarding the pitfalls people make in verbalizing or writing out their advanced healthcare directives. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/do-you-trust-your-partner-to-respect-your-wishes#post-2048571 Sat, 31 Jan 2015 09:14:08 +0000 Little Misters Mom 2048571@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I do. Because of my medical history, we'd had many conversations and everything is in writing. I think actually writing stuff down is so important and so few people take the time. We've asked our parents to begin to share their wishes with us now, when they are healthy still, and are using The Conversation Project website. One of the questions they ask you to rate 1-10 with 1 being "I want my wishes adhered to exactly, even if it makes my loved ones uncomfortable" and 10 being "I want my loved ones to do whatever brings them peace." That made me realize that as long as I wasn't in pain, I would want them to do what felt right, and hopefully having documentation of my wishes would help bring them peace if it came to ending life sustaining interventions. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/do-you-trust-your-partner-to-respect-your-wishes#post-2048563 Sat, 31 Jan 2015 09:07:58 +0000 Lindsay05 2048563@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Lemon-Lime: Its so hard to know. I think it would have to be what is available at the moment. I obviously need to give this a lot more thought. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/do-you-trust-your-partner-to-respect-your-wishes#post-2048561 Sat, 31 Jan 2015 09:04:53 +0000 Cole 2048561@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Lemon-Lime: I agree eight years is too long, if there is something imminent, maybe a few months I would be in favor of them trying it. But I also want my family to be able to grieve and move on. It's hard when you have to grieve multiple times. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/do-you-trust-your-partner-to-respect-your-wishes#post-2048559 Sat, 31 Jan 2015 09:03:59 +0000 Hoots 2048559@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Yes. Completely. He is a medical professional himself and has guided my family through tough decisions on two other occasions. He trusts me as well. But I do agree that it's impossible to know how you'll react in a situation like that. I hope and think that I would be strong enough to respect his wishes. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/do-you-trust-your-partner-to-respect-your-wishes#post-2048558 Sat, 31 Jan 2015 09:02:54 +0000 Cole 2048558@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We have unfortunately had enough similar issues come up within our families in our time together that it has let us thoroughly discuss this and know where we stand. It also helps that his mom is a hospice nurse and one of the saddest parts of her job isn't the death but the way it tears families apart when wishes aren't clear. We both are on the same page though and also agree that at some point the wishes of the surviving spouse trumps the dying person- so if I say no vent but putting one in is the only way my kids can get to me to say goodbye I trust him to just do it anyway. </p> <p>I am pretty adamant that if I am not going to have brain function that I should be let go. If I have brain function obviously I can offer input. In the event of Alzheimer's or dementia I don't want them to take dramatic actions. With dementia, often near the end of life the person will refuse to eat so they offer a feeding tube. I would prefer to let things take their course. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/do-you-trust-your-partner-to-respect-your-wishes#post-2048555 Sat, 31 Jan 2015 09:00:15 +0000 Mrs. Lemon-Lime 2048555@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Lindsay05: I called it "medical miracles" in my OP, but really he was talking about advances in medicine. How long ideally would you be okay with waiting on a cure or even participating in a trial? </p> <p>I think if something was happening right at the moment I would be okay with being part of an experiment. In the case of Terri Schiavo her life was preserved by machines for 15 years. According to the article, the first eight years her family tried therapy and interventions. Eight years would be too long for me. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/do-you-trust-your-partner-to-respect-your-wishes#post-2048553 Sat, 31 Jan 2015 08:58:37 +0000 Anya 2048553@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Lemon-Lime: but also we are on the same page as far as what we would want.. I have to imagine it would be more difficult for someone whose partner has different wishes than what they would want for themselves. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/do-you-trust-your-partner-to-respect-your-wishes#post-2048552 Sat, 31 Jan 2015 08:56:59 +0000 Anya 2048552@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Lemon-Lime: I don't specifically think it will be difficult for him personally, just that it is a possibility in the general sense </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/do-you-trust-your-partner-to-respect-your-wishes#post-2048551 Sat, 31 Jan 2015 08:54:57 +0000 Mrs. Lemon-Lime 2048551@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Anya: that's some of what he said. So knowing he may have a hard time carrying out your wishes and ultimately choose for weeks, months, or years for you to be under medical treatment in a hospital or nursing facility you are okay with that? </p>