https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Fri, 08 May 2026 08:32:51 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/does-your-so-help-with-night-wakings/page/2#post-878787 Mon, 24 Jun 2013 07:23:34 +0000 blackbird 878787@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't think so either! I think it's a minor request, actually. Baby steps! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/does-your-so-help-with-night-wakings/page/2#post-878781 Mon, 24 Jun 2013 07:21:48 +0000 lomom 878781@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@blackbird: I told him I appreciated it and he just mumbled. I doubt he will do it again anytime soon, but I'm hoping I can talk to him tonight about doing shifts. He's usually up until 1 or 2 watching tv so I'm hoping he will agree to it. I try not to throw LO in his face the moment he gets home, I know he wants to relax, unwind, and have dinner but I don't think asking him to handle lo's feedings from 7-12 or 8-1 or even 9-1, is an absurd request. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/does-your-so-help-with-night-wakings/page/2#post-878741 Mon, 24 Jun 2013 07:05:27 +0000 blackbird 878741@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>That's great! Definitely an improvement! </p> <p>Let your DH know how appreciative you are (even it its overkill). Positive reinforcement so he'll keep doing it? ;) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/does-your-so-help-with-night-wakings/page/2#post-878725 Mon, 24 Jun 2013 06:55:58 +0000 lomom 878725@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>DH slept from 2pm-11pm while I did dishes, laundry, took care of LO, etc... But when he got up at 11pm, I told him I was going to bed and leaving LO with him and that when he decided to go to sleep, to make sure he brought LO (in his rnp) to my side of the bed so I'd hear him when he woke up. </p> <p>DH handled all the night wakings (which was probably just one since he'd eaten at 10:30 and woke up at 7 to eat and this whole growth spurt seems to be over, but still) and I got to sleep from 11-7. I'm pretty thrilled. Granted, he slept all day, but I'm still glad he let me get a solid 8 hours of sleep. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/does-your-so-help-with-night-wakings/page/2#post-877762 Sun, 23 Jun 2013 14:39:51 +0000 yoursilverlining 877762@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@septemberlove: We broke up the evening feedings like you describe in the newborn days and it saved our sanities! One person was "on-duty" from like 9pm-2am and then we switched and the other was on-duty from 2am-morning, but of course you can adjust that schedule to whatever makes sense for you guys. </p> <p>My husband still comments that doing shifts like that was one of the best decisions we made in the early days because each person was able to go to sleep knowing that they could fall deeply asleep and that the other would take care of the baby. Knowing you will actually get 4-5 hours vs. hoping you will really makes a big difference.</p> <p>Hopefully that will work for you guys as well! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/does-your-so-help-with-night-wakings/page/2#post-877761 Sun, 23 Jun 2013 14:39:24 +0000 red_seattle 877761@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>To original question-- I took nearly all night waking bc X was breastfed until 12.5 months, and while I was working, X didn't take the bottle well.. However, if X was teething, or sick, or was otherwise waking up and I knew it wasn't out of hunger, then DH would take him. DH would also do his best to let me get some extra sleep-- if it's obvious I was/am at the end of my rope, DH jumps in w/o being asked, or did/does w/o hesitation when I do ask. If X had been formula fed, DH would've taken on a lot more of the night wakings. </p> <p>For you in particular, it sounds like you two need to work it out, with outside help. I think it takes a while for new dads to get in their groove, but he needs to get there soon in this area if you're returning to work soon. It shouldn't be about keeping score, but DH doesn't sound like he's being respectful of your contribution or your needs, and he needs to work on being a better dad. I don't have much respect for uninvolved dads who hang the mom out to dry as she takes care of the kids solo. </p> <p>Another option-- throw $ at the problem. What I mean is, maybe hire a night doula a couple times per week, or a sleep coach so that baby starts sleeping through the night sooner-- do something so that you can sleep and DH isn't on the hook either. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/does-your-so-help-with-night-wakings/page/2#post-877746 Sun, 23 Jun 2013 14:12:00 +0000 lomom 877746@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@sorrycharlie: thanks for the tips, I really appreciate it. I try very hard to use I language and to bring it up not in the heat of the moment. I think one thing I don't do enough of is giving specifics. I think I need to tell him what I need, like:</p> <p>I need him to stop telling me how much sleep I get.<br /> I need him to handle lo's evening feedings, maybe from like 7pm-12am and then I'll handle from 12am-7pm. Then I would get 5 hours uninterrupted plus whatever else I managed to get in between feedings. </p> <p>I'm sure there's more I could add but I think asking for those two things would be a good starting point and we could always tweak once I go back to work. I definitely acknowledge that I should be doing more baby care and housework while I'm on maternity leave, it's my job right now, but doing 100% of baby care, laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, etc. isn't fair. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/does-your-so-help-with-night-wakings/page/2#post-877710 Sun, 23 Jun 2013 13:16:33 +0000 JoyfulKiwi 877710@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@septemberlove: to the original question - yes, he did/does. I do a *little* more because of nursing, but it's fairly even. As to the underlying issue of your husband not supporting you, you're right: he is not supportive. And he should be. This is something you should actively address in the next few weeks, because things will get harder once you're working. I think other posters have given you great ideas to work with. I hope things start to change soon!</p> <p>@sorrycharlie: wow! Those are excellent tips for communicating, thank you! My husband and I have what I think is a typical amount of "new parent" stress with each other and I'm going to implement some of those ideas to help us deal better :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/does-your-so-help-with-night-wakings/page/2#post-877682 Sun, 23 Jun 2013 12:34:28 +0000 bunnylove08 877682@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>It took a lot of fighting but now he does. He wakes up and makes any bottles she needs. I stay up and feed them to her and put her back to sleep. On the weekends he has to watch her in the morning and I get to catch up on some sleep. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/does-your-so-help-with-night-wakings/page/2#post-877680 Sun, 23 Jun 2013 12:31:44 +0000 googly-eyes 877680@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@septemberlove: Not usually but more than three times. He helped the first couple weeks at least some/most of the time although he didn't usually stay up til lo was back in bed. Now we don't have night feedings but for the wakings he has started helping me out more, like last week. Lo is 9 months. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/does-your-so-help-with-night-wakings/page/2#post-877675 Sun, 23 Jun 2013 12:20:23 +0000 sorrycharlie 877675@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@septemberlove: I am so sorry. this sounds so much like the place we were in. I know it's so so so hard (I am stubborn to a fault, and will not admit when I'm wrong - bad!) but some tips that I've given clients in the past - and I'm not saying you do these things, at all, no worries. Just some tips for anyone who's reading in.</p> <p>1) to avoid defensive arguments, if you are not already, try using a different type of "I language". phrasing things such as "I can't stand when you do that. I'm exhausted and you need to help." immediately puts the person on the defense. "I feel really burnt out and unappreciated/sad when I do every night feeding" puts the focus on you. He could technically say, "no, you don't" but in reality, he can't tell you how you are not feeling.</p> <p>2) I know mr. bee has written about this before, but a smooth relationship key is to have 5 positive interactions for every negative interaction. This is tough, I know. I still struggle with this. But the days I decide to just "give in" (how I think of it) and not push my points, DH slowly gives to me, as well. He has admitted to me he's more than willing to help but he doesn't want to be attacked.</p> <p>3) maybe sit down and make a list of things you each need. not, "I need you to do the dishes" but, "I need a mental health break." "I need 4 hours of sleep." and figure out how to compromise so you both get some of your "things". Perhaps if LO wakes at 8 pm, 11 pm, 2 am, 5 am, one of you takes the wake ups til midnight, the other takes the 12-5 wakeups. Or something like that.</p> <p>4) even if you are hating one another, a sometimes useful way to get back in touch is just that - touch. as angry as you guys may be - or not angry, but indifferent - try holding hands while you watch a tv show, even if you're both using your cell phone with the other. if you're laying in bed together, rest your leg against his, or your arm against his. or if you guys are in a good mood, maybe a hug - can be quick, or longer. but I had clients do this in the room with me and the tension difference before and after was huge - even they were surprised by it. </p> <p>5) one exercise I had a couple do - was to take a time out. they were really struggling with biting each other's heads off, comparing parenting, undermining each other (changing punishments for children, etc). I instructed them to agree to take 5. if one was feeling like they were about to blow, they were allowed to say "I'm taking 5" and then do just that without their spouse following or yelling. Catch was, they really did have to come back downstairs once they were calm and had taken a small breather. They couldn't just take off. </p> <p>It took a week or two for this behavior to stick, but the husband had said he was sick of his wife following him around the house yelling at him (and she was sick of him literally leaving the house for hours when he was mad or disagreed) so this allowed them both to seethe and fume for a few minutes, but then revisit the disagreement once they had time to process. they could think about what they wanted, how they wanted to say it, and what they did not agree with while they had some alone time.</p> <p>*again, not all of these may be pertinent or even work. just trying to help a little if I can, cause I remember being in a similar place, and it was awful :(</p> <p>David Schnarch also wrote several books on intimacy (not only sex) and this link may be of interest to some people?</p> <p><a href="http://crucible4points.com/crucible-four-points-balance" rel="nofollow">http://crucible4points.com/crucible-four-points-balance</a> </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/does-your-so-help-with-night-wakings/page/2#post-877652 Sun, 23 Jun 2013 12:04:33 +0000 katsupgirl 877652@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@septemberlove: would he be annoyed at you if you talked to him like a counselor? I know it's super hard right now and you're both frustrated. He's defensive because he feels guilty. Can you try the sandwich technique? It's where you open with a positive: "the basement is coming along really nicely. You've done a great job blah blah blah" Then drop the negative "I know you've been working hard but I'm super stressed and would really appreciate if you could do/help blah blah blah" Finish with another positive acknowledgement. "Oh and thanks again for letting me sleep the other day. That was really helpful"</p> <p>I'm hoping things get better for you. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/does-your-so-help-with-night-wakings/page/2#post-877651 Sun, 23 Jun 2013 12:02:36 +0000 lomom 877651@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Smurfette: I actually don't even know where my mother is living, she doesn't want anyone to know because its that ugly right now. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/does-your-so-help-with-night-wakings/page/2#post-877647 Sun, 23 Jun 2013 12:00:25 +0000 Smurfette 877647@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@septemberlove: I am so sorry! My heart hurts for you. I know your parents are going through a divorce but is there any way you can go stay with them for a couple days? I think that some time away from DH would do you a world if good. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/does-your-so-help-with-night-wakings#post-877640 Sun, 23 Jun 2013 11:53:01 +0000 lomom 877640@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't know how to get him to not feel attacked from the moment I start talking. I started off with how much I appreciated the 4.5 hour nap yesterday, which he immediately said was 7 hours (I think it was actually 3 hours, but when he came and bounced me out of bed, he'd said 4.5 hours). I think he knows he's not pulling his share of parenting duties, if he felt like he was, I doubt he would've immediately gone on the defensive. Honestly, I'd be thrilled with just him acknowledging that I don't get much sleep instead of saying I sleep all the time. I'd be thrilled if he simply acknowledged that I do practically all of the baby care. I don't think he will though. He doesn't see it as work and I don't see his basement project as work and I know I don't acknowledge his efforts down there. </p> <p>I think we're both guilty of being unsupportive spouses but I don't know how to get to a better place but we need to figure it out soon. My maternity leave is over in three weeks and I can't go to work on 5 hours of sleep chopped up in 3 increments. I just can't. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/does-your-so-help-with-night-wakings#post-877601 Sun, 23 Jun 2013 11:29:47 +0000 Mrs. Twine 877601@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>That is just so hard! It sounds like in his mind he is doing things that are helpful, and that he feels like sometimes you stop him from parenting "his way." At the same time, it sounds like some of his ideas (bottle propping, having baby near power tools) are things that I don't really blame you for trying to stop or discourage. Do you think he might be open to taking a parenting class, or reading a book geared towards dads? Maybe he just doesn't have very many positive examples of things he can do with your son. Maybe you could sit down together and collaborate on a list of wants that you both have. Like maybe he would want to have you do x, and you'd like him to do y, and you can pick and choose some things off of one another's lists to try and do for eachother. Maybe that would help him to feel less attacked and help you get more of what you need? I know it all just gets compounded by the fact that you are tired... wish I could give you a big hug! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/does-your-so-help-with-night-wakings#post-877600 Sun, 23 Jun 2013 11:28:04 +0000 sorrycharlie 877600@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@septemberlove: my husband did not get how much work my daughter was until I left her with him to run errands (for the first time) and she apparently screamed most of the time I was gone. he didn't call me for help or to tell me to come home (which I wish he would have, for her sake!) but just panicked and stood in the nursery in the dark "shushing". He didn't think to go outside, downstairs, changing clothes or scenery, etc. He was visibly shaken up.</p> <p>A couple weeks later, he had her (awake) for only an hour while I food shopped. Again, I came home and he looked wiped. He couldn't believe that she had such a short attention span - a toy worked for a few minutes, then she needed a change of scenery, etc.</p> <p>It seemed like the only way he started to really "get" that I worked my tush off all day was to take a turn. But it took me a long time to get him to even be willing TO take that turn, you know? he was terrified of staying alone with her and i think truly didn't want to have to be 100% responsible for her. which sucked, and made me so angry and resentful and just witchy toward him.</p> <p>i'm sure you've tried all this but maybe you guys could each give something you want? he wants one on one time, you want some rest..tell him as long as he's indoors and in a safe place, he can hang with him while you get a pedi or something...like even if they sit and watch tv (which i hated), maybe he'd feel more like he was 'bonding"? i really don't know :( </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/does-your-so-help-with-night-wakings#post-877588 Sun, 23 Jun 2013 11:22:37 +0000 lomom 877588@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I just talked to him again and told him how mad it makes me when he insinuates that all I do is sleep. I told him I'm only getting a few, very interrupted, hours a night and him acting like I just sleep constantly really upsets me. I told him that he gets a full nights sleep every night. He says he helps and that I needed to stop acting like he never helps. He says he takes out the trash, watches the dogs, and he's remodeling the basement. </p> <p>It all comes down to the fact that we both think we do way more than the other. I don't want to keep score and I don't want to beg him to be a dad. In his head, he's super husband and superdad and I don't think anything I say to him will change that. </p> <p>He also said I don't let him spend time with LO. He wanted to take him to the garage yesterday, in the 90 degree heat, where he was painting and using a table saw. I told him that wasn't a safe environment for LO. He sees it as me not letting him hang out with LO. He also brought up that he's kept LO during the night (approximately 3 times in the past 10 weeks, each of which, he didn't wake up when LO screamed or he waited for me to get up and tend to LO, so I hardly count that as being helpful).</p> <p>I tried telling him that I appreciate what he does do but I felt like he didn't realize how much work lo is and how much I'm doing. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/does-your-so-help-with-night-wakings#post-877575 Sun, 23 Jun 2013 11:15:24 +0000 sorrycharlie 877575@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@septemberlove: ugh :( reading your updates, this definitely doesn't sound like my dh when i said he didn't help. he tried but like PPs, he couldn't manage to wake himself up (even when he said, wake me to help! he was dead to the world) but I take the night feedings and wakeups cause it's just easier that way. your dh needs a reality check!! I wish I had better advice - I really struggled with my dh in the beginning (i may have gone into more detail on another of your posts re: your dh) but he did get better. but he wasn't this bad in the beginning, either. he sounds like he's being a child - i hope that's not offensive - but dude, man up! you're a dad now, suck it up. I had to say that to my husband SO many times and every time it pissed him off. it felt a little better for me to get it off my chest, though it prob didnt help. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/does-your-so-help-with-night-wakings#post-877560 Sun, 23 Jun 2013 11:08:28 +0000 Mrs. Twine 877560@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I am aggressively not liking his behavior on your behalf. I have been in both situations; a newborn and an unsupportive husband, and a newborn and a supportive husband. I know I wouldn't have had any more kids ever if I didn't know that I would have a parenting partner, because doing it with someone who wasn't interested in doing his part was just unpleasant. You need a partner in this, and it seems like he is just not quite figuring out how to do that for you. I get the impression that you have talked to him about how you feel more than once (please let me know if I'm wrong), and that it hasn't really helped. I think you need to pull out some bigger guns and go to counseling. Beyond that, depending on how you feel about the relationship overall, maybe you need to consider what all of your options are. I hope things get way better for you in a hurry! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/does-your-so-help-with-night-wakings#post-877555 Sun, 23 Jun 2013 11:07:13 +0000 matador84 877555@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Nope, it's always been me! I'd rather handle all the night wakings and he can relieve me to take naps on the weekends during the day if possible than us both be worn out. </p> <p>I guess it's just something that isn't a big deal for me since DS has always been EBF anyhow. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/does-your-so-help-with-night-wakings#post-877543 Sun, 23 Jun 2013 10:51:59 +0000 Rainbow Sprinkles 877543@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Wow.......he needs a wake-up call. Big time.<br /> Time for an intervention, mama! Being a dad is a full time job, just like being a mom.</p> <p>My DD is 13.5 months and wakes up at 3 a.m. DH does that wakeup so I can STTN.</p> <p>He got up with her a lot when she was a newborn, too. I would go through spurts of feeling like he didn't help enough, but we always talked it out. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/does-your-so-help-with-night-wakings#post-877526 Sun, 23 Jun 2013 10:39:58 +0000 Silva 877526@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@septemberlove: honestly, I'd go stay with family if my husband pulled anything like that. He is being cruel and thoughtless, and if talking doesn't stop it you may need to show him how serious you are. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/does-your-so-help-with-night-wakings#post-877512 Sun, 23 Jun 2013 10:21:40 +0000 lomom 877512@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MaisyMay: no nursery, just a cry room. DH didn't even offer to take LO when I said I was staying home to sleep. He was kind enough to wake LO up before he left and leave me with a screaming infant. He thinks its funny. LO was sleeping next to the bed in his rnp, I'd just fed him 30 minutes before, and DH came in and started tickling him and asking him why he was asleep. So then LO decided he was starving. He's eaten nonstop since Wednesday and has been horribly fussy about it, eating for a little bit, popping off screaming bloody murder, I soothe him, he eats for a bit, pops off, screams... It's so exhausting and I really felt like slapping DH for waking LO up. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/does-your-so-help-with-night-wakings#post-877498 Sun, 23 Jun 2013 10:17:37 +0000 Rubies 877498@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>DH got up with me every time just to keep me company because I was having such a hard time coping. While I changed LO's diaper and nursed her, DH would just grab the laptop and put on some youtube videos to watch together to help pass the time. When LO was down to 1-2 wakeups, I just did them myself because she'd just go right back to sleep afterwards.</p> <p>I'm sorry your husband isn't being supportive. Please be firm with him in what you expect because his actions and behaviour are not acceptable. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/does-your-so-help-with-night-wakings#post-877473 Sun, 23 Jun 2013 10:06:08 +0000 MaisyMay 877473@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@septemberlove: He's being horrible. Does your church have a nursery? If so, send LO with your SO and stay home to rest. </p> <p>My DH did all of the night wakings from 2 weeks to 5 months (minus one or two). He said that since I had to do the extra work to pump, this is where he could step up. But he's very hands on with LO anyways. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/does-your-so-help-with-night-wakings#post-877409 Sun, 23 Jun 2013 09:10:04 +0000 lomom 877409@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>He just came in and wanted me to get up for church. I told him I was exhausted and was going to sleep more. He told me I'd slept all day yesterday and all night. </p> <p>He has no clue and refuses to listen when I tell him that getting 5 hours a sleep at night, in 45 minute - 2 hour increments is not equivalent to a solid 8 hours. He just swears up and down that I get plenty of sleep. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/does-your-so-help-with-night-wakings#post-877402 Sun, 23 Jun 2013 09:05:28 +0000 Lindsay05 877402@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Yikes. I am very sorry. At the beginning DH wasnt REAL great at waking up because he figured he couldnt do anything anyways. I finally scolded him and told him the only thing he cant do is boob feed. Everything else is fair game, so get your ass up and change, burp or even bring LO to me. I didnt expect him to do it all but at least help with some of it. He became much more understanding and helped a lot more. I hope your hubby comes around and gives you a break. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/does-your-so-help-with-night-wakings#post-877401 Sun, 23 Jun 2013 09:05:19 +0000 photojane 877401@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>He helped a couple times over the first week home when he was out on paternity leave. He would change her before I fed her. He had a short leave, and was back to work by the time she was 10 days old. He hasn't done a night waking since the first week. I know he WOULD if I asked him, but I don't. He works, and I don't, so I don't mind doing it. Plus, we haven't done a night feeding since she was 5 or 6 weeks old. She STTN from pretty early on, but she's had occasional night wake ups since then. If we both worked FT though, he would for sure share in the nighttime duties. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/does-your-so-help-with-night-wakings#post-877388 Sun, 23 Jun 2013 08:52:40 +0000 yoursilverlining 877388@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Yes, my husband always helped with night wakings, early waking, etc. LO is his baby and he said from day 1 that he felt he's just as "on the hook" for parenting duties as I am, including night wakings.</p> <p>I worry for you when you return to work. I know your husband had said, or you believe, that he will step up at that time. I hope that is the case, but honestly, I doubt it. Someone who is that disinterested in caring for their own child or helping their wife who has repeatedly told them she needs help very rarely does a 180 overnight. More likely, this division of labor is what he's comfortable with and will want to continue with. I would personally look into couples counseling, good luck! </p>