https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Sat, 04 Apr 2026 00:03:18 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ellyn-satter-division-of-responsibility#post-2698014 Wed, 15 Feb 2017 10:29:24 +0000 SweetiePie 2698014@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@HappyBaker: I had the same experience you did growing up. I was forced to sit and eat cold food that I didn't even like hot. I would sometimes sit there till bedtime! </p> <p>I don't feel tortured or like it impacted my relationship with food. But it was unpleasant. So when I heard my pediatrician rules about food I was relieved to know that the way I had it isn't the only way. </p> <p>Basically her rules for food were:<br /> - no short order cook - "you get what you get and you don't get upset" (we say this when he asks for something else).<br /> - no forcing or bribing or cajoling - offer, tell them it's the only option, if they say no then say OK and don't make a big deal. Often when we let him down from his highchair but he sees that we're still sitting and eating he'll come over again. My MIL will still ask him over and over and over and I eventually have to tell her pretty firmly to stop. Every. Time.<br /> - if he refuses dinner don't offer anything else but milk (so no fruit if it wasn't already on the table, for example - because they then learn that refusing or crying will eventually get the food they want, so they'll always refuse)<br /> - offer variety (meal to meal)<br /> - offer something healthy you know they'll eat like a veggie or grain<br /> - no TV during meals (which we cheat on for breakfast because I need to get ready)</p> <p>Those were her rules and they've worked pretty well for us. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ellyn-satter-division-of-responsibility#post-2697967 Wed, 15 Feb 2017 09:09:08 +0000 petitenoisette 2697967@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm really trying to be better about this. My issue is that my LO didn't sleep through the night until about a month ago and she's turning two next week :silly: She'd wake up to nurse and so I always felt like if I could only get her to eat more at dinner she wouldn't wake up! Now that I finally night weaned her I've realized that what she eats at dinner has no bearing on her STTN and it's letting me relax. We have never made things a huge battle but a lot of cajoling to get her to eat and offering her a lot of different foods. Offering one course at a time because she might eat the pasta if I gave it to her alone but not if I also offered something she likes better. </p> <p>Anyway, I'm done with that and last night gave her her whole dinner at once, and just let her do her own thing. She had a few bites of a couple things and then said she was done and that was that. She slept through the night just fine. :happy: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ellyn-satter-division-of-responsibility#post-2697952 Wed, 15 Feb 2017 08:36:15 +0000 erinbaderin 2697952@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This is more or less how we run meals too. We expect him to taste everything, and if he does and then really doesn't want to eat what's being offered he can have any other leftovers or cream cheese on toast. I'm not running a restaurant but I also believe that he should get a say in what he eats. I have really strong feelings about food so it doesn't seem fair to me that I can cook what I like/feel like eating and the boys just need to go along with it. If I don't feel like having fish for dinner one night I'm not going to make it so why does he have to eat something he might not be in the mood for? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ellyn-satter-division-of-responsibility#post-2697950 Wed, 15 Feb 2017 08:29:48 +0000 hummusgirl 2697950@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@HappyBaker: I don't remember a lot of pressure around eating, but my parents were VERY restrictive on what came into our house. No chips, soda, candy, junk food at all. Sugary cereal was a once-a-year treat on our birthday. At Halloween, we could only keep the number of pieces of our age - so at age 5, we kept 5 pieces of candy and the rest was taken away. They made a big deal of that stuff, and I think it contributed to my going crazy at college and gaining the freshman 15. </p> <p>My LOs are still young so they're not that aware of "junk food," but I do think we'll have some around the house in the future so it's not such a forbidden fruit. Already we let LO1 keep all his Halloween candy. :-) </p> <p>My biggest inspiration for following Satter was seeing my SIL and her kids, who are a few years older than mine, constantly nagging/bartering/begging them to eat at every meal. "3 more bites of chicken and then you can have the fries. No treat until you finish half your meal" etc. It seemed exhausting and I knew I didn't want to go down that path. They still do it at ages 6 and 8 and it makes mealtimes so much harder than they have to be. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ellyn-satter-division-of-responsibility#post-2697941 Wed, 15 Feb 2017 07:51:44 +0000 HappyBaker 2697941@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Loving all these responses, thanks everyone! </p> <p>I'm impressed by how many of you already do this, I almost wonder if it might be how YOUR parents treated food trickling down to what makes sense to you with your kids?</p> <p>For example, with my parents, I was super picky as a kid and food was always, always a battle. My mom was of the, "eat all of your dinner or sit at this table until you do" camp, and many nights I'd be sitting there for hours just not wanting to eat it, or trying to swallow bites whole and washing it down with milk like a pill. I think maybe that's why I never even CONSIDERED just letting my kids feed themselves / not controlling how much they eat, it seems crazy to me! But I'm so glad to see so many of you doing it the way we are now, because its gives me confidence to not go back to bite counting / craziness. </p> <p>Last night I made baked fish and chips, and so I served a small portion of pasta with the kids meals. DD totally freaked when she saw the fish and started crying but I told her she didn't have to eat it, she could just taste it and choose from the other stuff on the table to fill her up. After a few minutes of whimpering she ate all her pasta, some corn and peas and even put the fish in her mouth! (and then spit it out but that's a win in my book haha). </p> <p>I think she is still getting used to the idea that I'm not going to force her to eat, which I feel bad that it's ingrained in her already that that is what we do! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ellyn-satter-division-of-responsibility#post-2697877 Tue, 14 Feb 2017 21:45:09 +0000 LemonJack 2697877@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I am not familiar with that author, but it sounds like we have a similar approach to food. DD is 2.5 and a good eater, but not much of a meat eater. If there is meat on her plate, we do expect her to try it, but one bite is fine. We know she's not a huge meat eater, so we do always have other sources of protein on her plate to fill her up, and that keeps us from stressing about if she's eating enough. I really don't want food to turn into a battle. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ellyn-satter-division-of-responsibility#post-2697806 Tue, 14 Feb 2017 18:22:36 +0000 AnnabelleG 2697806@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I love this post, and I love Ellyn Satter! We keep offering but don't push anything. My challenge has been when my son wants to eat more of something than I'm comfortable with (e.g., eating tons of tortilla chips, or so many berries I think his stomach will hurt). I'm learning though, that when I step back, he is an amazingly intuitive eater. He does stop at some point, and it's usually about two seconds after I think "should I stop him?" </p> <p>I think this is pretty challenging for people whose kids are dealing with something like not gaining enough weight or anemia or something. Once the pediatrician steps in, all the anxiety goes up. But the reality is, we can't force our kids to eat! All we can do is keep offering (and not let ourselves become line chefs in the process) and let go of the rest. Thanks for this post! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ellyn-satter-division-of-responsibility#post-2697800 Tue, 14 Feb 2017 18:10:17 +0000 SweetiePie 2697800@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@HappyBaker: We try something similar. We do ask him to try but if he doesn't want it then I don't push it. And I read same thing about making sure there's one or two things he will eat - usually carb/grain and a veg (fortunately he loves broccoli, cauliflower, peas, edamame, and carrots so if he is eating those I don't worry too much). </p> <p>One thing I read but I don't remember where - is that dinner is the end of the day so of course for a little human like our LOs it is like hitting a wall - they're tired, less patient and maybe even less hungry than other meals because they've already eaten twice plus snacks. So what I read is to just make sure that proteins and other good veggies and stuff are part of breakfast and lunch and snacks as much as you can. So that if at dinner all they eat is noodles and butter or bread, you don't have to stress because the rest of the day was filled with nutrition. So that's what I try to do (and remind myself). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ellyn-satter-division-of-responsibility#post-2697672 Tue, 14 Feb 2017 14:23:58 +0000 travellingbee 2697672@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>That's what we do. Offer but not force. I refuse to have a battle about it (there is no way I could ever win a battle of the wills with the stubborn kid anyway.) he's had some times where he's been pickier and sometimes where he's been a great eater, but on the balance, he's a less picky child, so that definitely helps. We usually suggest that he try a bite before putting it away, and nine times out of 10 he likes it and will end up eating it. But I don't care if he doesn't, and he will always eat the fruits and vegetables regardless. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ellyn-satter-division-of-responsibility#post-2697663 Tue, 14 Feb 2017 14:12:33 +0000 ShootingStar 2697663@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We're pretty similar to what some others have posted. We give small portions of everything we're eating. I make sure he has at least one thing he likes. If he finishes the thing he likes and wants more, he has to at least try one of the other things. He's not a huge dinner eater, so sometimes he'll eat next to nothing. We remind this is all there is and there's no more eating until breakfast. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ellyn-satter-division-of-responsibility#post-2697651 Tue, 14 Feb 2017 13:58:36 +0000 catlady 2697651@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We've used this strategy from the beginning but as LO1 has gotten older, she's gotten pickier (even though we haven't changed anything). She used to eat or at least try everything in front of her, and now she often won't touch anything at all. So I do sometimes ask her to at least try things before we give her "dessert" (which is usually fruit). At one point, we did the thing where you serve fruit or dessert with dinner and it gradually devolved to the point where she would always only eat fruit for dinner, which I don't think is that great. So we've had to modify our version a bit. I definitely don't force her to clean her plate though, or make her eat more than just a taste of anything she doesn't like. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ellyn-satter-division-of-responsibility#post-2697648 Tue, 14 Feb 2017 13:55:05 +0000 shellio 2697648@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I've never heard of this as a method but it is almost exactly what we do. We encourage the kids to eat 1 bite per year of age of the main dish (oldest is 5 now and I think we'll max out at 5) but aren't always super strict about it. We put a few sides on their plate and sometimes they'll surprise us and eat all the veggies, sometimes its just fruit and bread. For me, the biggest challenge is when the dinner is perfectly good and has a variety but my kids request something else healthy (or relatively healthy) - apple, dried mango, pretzels are common requests. I don't want to give in and let them have whatever they ask for but it is simple stuff and if they go to bed hungry we'll all suffer. They are good at trying new things and generally eat a balanced diet overall. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ellyn-satter-division-of-responsibility#post-2697642 Tue, 14 Feb 2017 13:47:00 +0000 Mama Bird 2697642@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We do something like that but don't force the kids to eat anything, because they get three balanced meals in day care and I'm pretty sure they don't pick and choose there. The only exception is, if they really need to eat something for their health (DS is old enough to understand that, DD not so much...) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ellyn-satter-division-of-responsibility#post-2697627 Tue, 14 Feb 2017 13:24:22 +0000 PawPrints 2697627@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I haven't read the book but I think our approach is fairly similar. I do have trouble though when DD specifically requests something - like last night when her dinner included half a banana and she kept asking for more and more and more, with tears when we initially refused, then relented and got her more banana, until she had eaten 1.5 entire bananas. What do you all do when LOs ask for more of something after they've eaten what you put on their plate? (Like, when there is still plenty of the other foods you gave initially). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ellyn-satter-division-of-responsibility#post-2697556 Tue, 14 Feb 2017 11:53:11 +0000 MrsSRS 2697556@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We put an age appropriate portion of each food on their plate. If they eat their favorite thing and ask for more we say that they already have food and if they want more food they need to eat the food they have first. So they can't have endless bread and fruit and if they don't eat other things they will be hungry! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ellyn-satter-division-of-responsibility#post-2697518 Tue, 14 Feb 2017 10:56:21 +0000 mrsbubbletea 2697518@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I want to do this more. I love it. </p> <p>ETA #thankshellobee </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ellyn-satter-division-of-responsibility#post-2697504 Tue, 14 Feb 2017 10:33:06 +0000 hummusgirl 2697504@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm so thankful someone told me about Ellyn Satter when LO1 was a baby. We've been following it ever since and it's worked great. They do eat a lot of bread and fruit but sometimes will surprise me. I don't stress - they eat well at school so throughout the day/week they get a lot of variety. And bread and fruit are delicious, nutritious foods. :-) </p> <p>We occasionally do green smoothies too. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ellyn-satter-division-of-responsibility#post-2697456 Tue, 14 Feb 2017 09:29:23 +0000 tlynne 2697456@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I try to get the kids to eat at least one bite of everything, though that can be challenging (DS1 has SPD, DS2 has CP and likely SPD). DS2 is going through the toddler "pickies"...some days he can't get enough of a certain food, other days he won't touch the exact same food. Since I'm gluten free, though, my kids really don't get a lot of bread/pasta and are forced to eat a lot more vegetables and protein (since that's what I serve). I try to let the kids eat what they want of whatever I serve...whether that's 3 bites or platefuls, and on the rare occasions when we have dessert, it's served at the same time as the meal. When dinner is complete, the kitchen is closed until morning. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ellyn-satter-division-of-responsibility#post-2697441 Tue, 14 Feb 2017 09:01:01 +0000 T.H.O.U. 2697441@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@HappyBaker: With our kids, we even have to look at their diet over an entire week or month. They have days they are full or mildly constipated and they just wont eat. Heck, sometimes that lasts almost a week of them being too busy to want to eat. And then all of a sudden they will hit a growth spurt or something and eat double helpings. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ellyn-satter-division-of-responsibility#post-2697439 Tue, 14 Feb 2017 08:56:56 +0000 HappyBaker 2697439@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Thanks this makes me feel a lot better! DH thinks I'm nuts for not forcing them to eat a certain amount / certain types of food but it is SO nice to not have dinner be a battle anymore!</p> <p>@Mrs. Sunshine: Good point about looking at the whole day, she eats a great lunch and breakfast. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ellyn-satter-division-of-responsibility#post-2697434 Tue, 14 Feb 2017 08:48:43 +0000 gentlelunette 2697434@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We do something similar with our DD (23 months). I usually ask her to try the food once and tell her she doesn't like it, that's okay. There are times when I catch myself saying "just one more bite", and my husband is really bad about spoon feeding her to get her to finish (a serious point of contention!). We're also guilty of dessert on some days, but it's not as a reward for finishing, and it's usually fruit or yogurt or a couple of tiny cookies or animal crackers. I'm working on not doing this on a consistent basis!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ellyn-satter-division-of-responsibility#post-2697431 Tue, 14 Feb 2017 08:47:08 +0000 Mrs. Sunshine 2697431@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I never read the book but we follow the basic principle. For my 21 month old, I don't really ask her to try anything. Very rarely I'll put a bite on her fork and try to get her to take a bite but it rarely works. My 3 year old often eats nothing for dinner but it's more a control issue than an I don't like that issue. I have had mild success asking her to at least try one bite (she is not even required to swallow it), especially if we're having a side she loves, she eats it all and wants more. When I know she will likely love the main dish as well, I'll ask her to take one bite before she can have more side OR tell her she can eat it while she waits for me to eat what I have before I get up again. </p> <p>I don't worry about dinner specifically. I look at the entire day, if I feel that they've had a healthy balance all day but not at dinner, it's fine. It's just one meal out of like 6 (if we're including snacks). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ellyn-satter-division-of-responsibility#post-2697430 Tue, 14 Feb 2017 08:46:01 +0000 ValentineMommy 2697430@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I haven't read the book, but the method was taught to us when DS1 was in feeding therapy (he has sensory processing issues dealing with food). We have yet to see DS eat anything of his own free will that he doesn't want to....so yea. It's a lot of bread/starch/etc for him. While it does make dinnertime more relaxed, I also wonder what the long term implications are. My brother is 38 and only eats pasta for dinner still! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ellyn-satter-division-of-responsibility#post-2697429 Tue, 14 Feb 2017 08:43:01 +0000 T.H.O.U. 2697429@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We do something similar. We usually ask that they try a bite and tell them they can spit it out if they dont like it. It at least gets them to start the idea of new foods. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ellyn-satter-division-of-responsibility#post-2697407 Tue, 14 Feb 2017 07:54:43 +0000 HappyBaker 2697407@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm in the process of changing up how we do dinner in our house, after reading Ellyn Satter's "How to get your kid to eat". </p> <p>Previously, and I know this is absolutely nuts, I was making 3 different dinners every single night. One for me and DH, one for DD (who's favorite foods all have dairy in them) and one for DS (who is allergic to dairy so couldn't eat what DD wanted). Dinner time was awful, we were also doing dessert every night and the whole, "eat X more bites or no dessert". Lots of tears / drama / craziness, and it had to stop! </p> <p>So, after reading the book, I now make ONE dinner for everyone, and if it's something I know the kids don't like I make sure there's a fruit or vegetable option they'll eat and some bread or pasta side they'll eat. We now only have dessert on the weekends and I've completely stopped asking them to eat more bites. According to the book, it's my responsibility to make dinner and provide healthy options, and it's their responsibility what they actually eat. </p> <p>Dinner has been BLISSFUL since we started doing this. No more tears or screaming, and I am not stressed out getting 3 different meals on the table. BUT now that my kids are in charge of what they are eating they are eating mostly bread and fruit for dinner. </p> <p>If you follow her method, do you push them to eat the meat / sides they don't think they like? Or just really keep offering but not pushing and someday they will eat more than crescent rolls and beets? :-) </p> <p>Thanks! Sorry for the novel! </p>