https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Tue, 26 May 2026 13:32:57 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/emotional-labor/page/2#post-2860149 Tue, 04 Dec 2018 17:42:55 +0000 muffinsmuffins 2860149@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@gotkimchi: oh yes I have definitely seen this with friends as well. Because mom nurses, just hand the kid off! </p> <p>@JennyPenny: totally! I was talking to my boss about this because both of us had kids this year and he was curious how I’m seen as the non birth parent vs. a typical dad. I took 3 months off with our first son and a month off with our second and reduced/changed my schedule to accommodate being home to cook dinner, do bed and do school drop off. No one batted an eye at my work and it literally didn’t occur to me to think of not taking a decent amount of time and to consider DW juggling both kids at home alone until I get home from work. But we are also in Canada and can split leave of up to 18 months. Of our straight couple friends, 2 of the dads became short term SAHD for 3-6+ months, usually after mom went back to work and the kids were more flexible with bottle feeding. So I do think there’s some truth to it for sure...and the more men take advantage and say screw it, I’m gonna take my leave, the more it will end this toxic patriarchal culture that is the source of the issue. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/emotional-labor/page/2#post-2860127 Tue, 04 Dec 2018 16:44:38 +0000 JennyPenny 2860127@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@muffinsmuffins: I remember reading something similar that countries with mandated paternity leave, especially the kind that is specific for men and not just "parental", have seen growing gender equality in household balance and child raising. DH got 2 weeks, 4 weeks and if we have another kid he'll get 8 weeks of paternity leave. I was so excited, but he was like "I probably won't take it...what would I do with all that time" and I wanted to scream "take care of our child!!!!" I still need to figure out a healthy way to talk to him about it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/emotional-labor/page/2#post-2860119 Tue, 04 Dec 2018 16:29:06 +0000 codeitall 2860119@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Anagram: We're working towards it. DH doesn't want a stranger in the house so we compromised on my college student SIL coming once a week. But she doesn't always come and she never finishes cleaning the whole house, just does an hour blitz clean. So I'm thinking we'll get a real cleaner next year once he admits she isn't working out. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/emotional-labor/page/2#post-2860084 Tue, 04 Dec 2018 14:38:55 +0000 Anagram 2860084@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@codeitall: can you hire some help? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/emotional-labor/page/2#post-2860074 Tue, 04 Dec 2018 14:14:28 +0000 codeitall 2860074@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I feel like I could read comments on this forever and feel super validated and still at a loss for what to change.</p> <p>DH has further complicated things be doing both school and work full-time so I've picked up a lot of the slack in our house because he literally has no time for it. But he's on a term break right now and I've been slowly letting things slide. </p> <p>Dropping the ball has worked in my house when I haven't cared. I still take care of my kids in the morning, so hopefully no one can tell that their dad fed them cereal or sandwiches again the night before. I ask SIL to come over so he'll help vacuum and clean up the front room.</p> <p>I dread when my kids go to school because I know that will all fall on me and I can't think of a good way to drop the ball without having it plop down on my kid's heads. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/emotional-labor/page/2#post-2859811 Mon, 03 Dec 2018 15:21:38 +0000 gotkimchi 2859811@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@muffinsmuffins: this is super interesting. My husband is fine with the kids and did get a paternity leave and by nature of my job has them by himself a lot, but when our kids were tiny he absolutely thought it was easier for me - I was nursing etc. it was such a cop out. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/emotional-labor#post-2859809 Mon, 03 Dec 2018 15:14:08 +0000 muffinsmuffins 2859809@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I was reading comments about this topic on another website (<a href="https://jezebel.com/new-report-suggests-americans-want-gender-equality-in-t-1830819622" rel="nofollow">https://jezebel.com/new-report-suggests-americans-want-gender-equality-in-t-1830819622</a> for reference) and a commenter suggested that the only possible way around this issue is mandatory paternity leave. That without that, women will always be the designated caregiver/emotional labourer from the very start and men will never learn how to take care of the home, kids, etc without passing it off because it’s ‘easier’ for the woman to do it all. Also, that woman are conditioned from birth to basically ‘put up or shut up’ whether in the home or workplace, which also feeds into this....so essentially, gender roles have ruined everything :meh: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/emotional-labor#post-2859807 Mon, 03 Dec 2018 15:07:11 +0000 gotkimchi 2859807@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Just caught this in another sorry on Michelle obama and thought it tied into this - </p> <p><a href="https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/michelle-obama-swore-when-criticizing-sheryl-sandberg’s-‘lean-in’-mantra-and-the-internet-lost-it/ar-BBQpIes?li=BBnb7Kz" rel="nofollow">https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/michelle-obama-swore-when-criticizing-sheryl-sandberg’s-‘lean-in’-mantra-and-the-internet-lost-it/ar-BBQpIes?li=BBnb7Kz</a> </p> [attach=4256/18/pj6fvz.600x150.7D8EA0A1-E3D8-4797-8CF0-CD3E4323733E.jpeg] https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/emotional-labor#post-2859801 Mon, 03 Dec 2018 14:37:21 +0000 erinbaderin 2859801@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Yeah, this is more along the lines of actual labour than emotional labour (which, I've realized, is more what I'm upset about - the emotional labour is one thing, but when combined with the way my husband will walk past something on the stairs, or make a sandwich for the kids but leave the deli meat and cut crusts on the counter....grrr), but the other day my son told me that boys couldn't cook, only girls cooked, and I realized that's what we've modeled for him. I need to do better about that. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/emotional-labor#post-2859796 Mon, 03 Dec 2018 14:15:01 +0000 Ajsmommy 2859796@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Cereal: your last line totally hits home to me!! I too hope to instill something different for my daughter...and after reading your comment I realized that my dad (who was a wonderful dad) was somewhat similar to my DH... LOL.. a very hard worker (my dad was a farmer) so he'd work very hard and then crash (nap, sleep during the day) bc he was so tired leaving most stuff to my mom. DH is very similar.. he works very LONG hours at his job and it's one thing that drew me to him in the first place, his drive.. however his drive has landed him in a job where he works LONGGG hours and just this weekend while we were home he was dozing off in his recliner... um as soon as I read your line the image of my dad and DH flashed through my mind...... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/emotional-labor#post-2859791 Mon, 03 Dec 2018 13:55:09 +0000 hitchhiker 2859791@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Cereal: I think talking about it helps. My mom definitely talked about it to me (she definitely did the vast majority of the labor in our household), which is what has made me very focused on not letting that happen to me. I don't even think she talked about it all that much, but a few choice comments have definitely stuck with me! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/emotional-labor#post-2859786 Mon, 03 Dec 2018 12:58:20 +0000 Mrs. Cereal 2859786@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This is a topic that is on my mind very frequently. I am not as pissed about it as I used to be, but I think this is likely because me and Mr. Cereal are in a good place right now. </p> <p>But here's the thing. Because I spend so much of my time making sure that everything is running smoothly, I am exhausted most of the time as well. I do nearly all of the coordinating of everything and he sits back and does what I ask him to do, but never takes the initiative to do any of this work himself. A great example of this is that I just finished all of our Christmas shopping, and I seriously mean all. This included gifts for all the members of his family, my family, our kids, and our friends. He bitches to me about the money I am spending, but doesn't acknowledge that I am taking care of this huge task that is annoying and time consuming. </p> <p>And as far as nobody getting "hurt", I guess I can see where some people are coming from if we were to stop doing the emotional labor. But the truth is that my kids would be the ones that suffer. I make sure that they are dressed, on time, and responsive to invitations, etc. I make their appointments, I get them there, I attend all school related functions, I am the one that does all of this. If I were to stop, they would be late, they would miss appointments, etc. I won't manage my husbands life needs, but I can't just stop managing my kids life needs. </p> <p>I just wish that there was more of a balance between the roles. I feel embarrassed that my kids are seeing me do all this stuff and that is going to temper their expectations of their partners at some point. I hope that I can talk to them enough to be prepared to be a good teammate to their chosen partner and that my son can pick up the slack where needed, and my daughter can set expectations that allow her to relieve herself of some of these responsibilities. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/emotional-labor#post-2859779 Mon, 03 Dec 2018 11:38:46 +0000 Anagram 2859779@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Turtle: oh man, some of the things in that article just make me sad that this lady has a partner that doesn’t do any of that stuff. </p> <p>My husband definitely knows which kid has what kind of meltdown and how to comfort them and he k idea which kids like what foods—honestly we share that list of “worries” pretty equally. Are there really partners who don’t worry at all about their kids, ever? That makes me sad to imagine, but I can see if someone has a partner that apparently never thinks about their children, that the other partner has to step in and do more just to meet the basic requirements of parenting. Personally I couldn’t function/parent with a partner like that. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/emotional-labor#post-2859775 Mon, 03 Dec 2018 11:09:24 +0000 gotkimchi 2859775@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mommy Finger: we have this same fight about sex, me being tired, employee/boss the whole thing. So I don’t have advice but just wanted to say you’re not alone </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/emotional-labor#post-2859774 Mon, 03 Dec 2018 11:09:17 +0000 Mrs. Turtle 2859774@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Kaohinani: I'm a little jealous. If I sent that to DW I don't think I'd get the same response. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/emotional-labor#post-2859773 Mon, 03 Dec 2018 11:06:15 +0000 Kaohinani 2859773@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Turtle: That was fantastic! DH and I just had a conversation about that exact thing yesterday evening. I copied it and text it to him. He said it really highlighted what I had been discussing and he "gets it."<br /> Thank you! :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/emotional-labor#post-2859772 Mon, 03 Dec 2018 11:05:24 +0000 Mrs. Turtle 2859772@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Ajsmommy: Exactly. It's not the household chores. We share those equally enough that it isn't usually a source of frustration for me. It is all the worry and thought and planning behind it all. It is being "in charge" of everything, even if it isn't a task I end up doing. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/emotional-labor#post-2859770 Mon, 03 Dec 2018 11:01:02 +0000 Ajsmommy 2859770@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Turtle: yes this!!!</p> <p>I've been reading along with this thread.</p> <p>I am lucky to have a husband who does contribute quite a bit to the household chores. He does the dishes and he does his own laundry, he does the recycling and trash and other things like replacing the dryer when it died and getting me a new battery for my car. He cooks dinner often and he cleans up after himself. I feel pretty lucky on these issues.. </p> <p>However, I am the one that keeps our every day running smoothly. I really like what @Mrs. Turtle: just posted bc this is what I feel makes me tired and run down.. not necessarily the physical things like doing my laundry and the kids laundry, which I do, or bath nights, which I do, or making sure they have wardrobes and rsvp'ing to parties and taking them to parties and all the events at school etc... whats harder on me is the worry and the making sure they are getting the love, attention, growth, interaction, experiences that they need to be happy well rounded individuals. All while working 40 hrs a week, commuting 2 hrs a day and solo parenting most nights while DH is working late. </p> <p>No wonder I sleep past my "wake up" time every day!!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/emotional-labor#post-2859769 Mon, 03 Dec 2018 10:48:45 +0000 Mommy Finger 2859769@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Whoa is this timely. DH and I just got into a massive fight last week that started b/c he is hurt that I don't initiate sex enough. And it turned into a heated discussion about how tired I am b/c I feel like I do just about everything. And how I can't talk to him about it b/c he tends to shut down if ever he feels like he's hearing anything negative. So I tend to just do everything and hold resentment. Yup, not exactly healthy. He claims that I treat him like an employee but agreed that he is really bad at follow through and needs constant reminders. So I argue that he treats me like a boss. We haven't resolved this yet as the fight happened in the middle of the night and we haven't circled back to talk when emotions aren't as high. I've been debating whether or not to send him the comic or this article (<a href="https://www.harpersbazaar.com/culture/features/a12063822/emotional-labor-gender-equality/" rel="nofollow">https://www.harpersbazaar.com/culture/features/a12063822/emotional-labor-gender-equality/</a>) to try to get him to understand my side. And I want to listen to him to understand his side so that we can come up with a plan that gets both of our needs met. </p> <p>But here's a story that just makes me shake my head. Last night, we were going to roast a chicken. We have this great recipe that has you butterfly the chicken and brine it for an hour. I asked if he could take care of getting that piece ready. So he does and then puts on his hat and coat to do stuff outside. Meanwhile, it apparently didn't occur to him that maybe he should clean up after this. The cutting board, giant knife and scissors were left on the counter and the sink was full of the raw chicken juice. Gross. So maybe I should have left it for him to clean up but I couldn't. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/emotional-labor#post-2859747 Mon, 03 Dec 2018 09:06:06 +0000 Mrs. Turtle 2859747@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Saw this this morning on the Scary Mommy Facebook page. Made me think of this thread, and is one of the better descriptions of my definition of emotional labor I have seen. </p> <p>I am the keeper.</p> <p>I am the keeper of schedules. Of practices, games, and lessons. Of projects, parties, and dinners. Of appointments and homework assignments.</p> <p>I am the keeper of information. Who needs food 5 minutes before a meltdown occurs and who needs space when he gets angry. Whether there are clean clothes, whether bills are paid, and whether we are out of milk.</p> <p>I am the keeper of solutions. Of bandaids and sewing kits and snacks in my purse. But also of emotional balms and metaphorical security blankets.</p> <p>I am the keeper of preferences. Of likes and dislikes. Of nightly rituals and food aversions.</p> <p>I am the keeper of reminders. To be kind, to pick up their trash, to do their dishes, to do their homework, to hold open doors and write thank you notes.</p> <p>I am the keeper of rituals and memories. Of pumpkin patches and Easter egg hunts. I am the taker of pictures, the collector of special ornaments, and the writer of letters.</p> <p>I am the keeper of emotional security. The repository of comfort, the navigator of bad moods, the holder of secrets and the soother of fears.</p> <p>I am the keeper of the peace. The mediator of fights, the arbiter of disputes, the facilitator of language, the handler of differing personalities.</p> <p>I am the keeper of worry. Theirs and my own.</p> <p>I am the keeper of the good and the bad, the big and the small, the beautiful and the hard.</p> <p>Most of the time, the weight of these things I keep resembles the upper elements on the periodic table - lighter than air, buoying me with a sense of purpose.</p> <p>But sometimes the weight of the things I keep pulls me down below the surface until I am kicking and struggling to break the surface and gasp for breath.</p> <p>Because these things I keep are constantly flickering in the back of my brain, waiting to be forgotten. They scatter my thoughts and keep me awake long past my bedtime.</p> <p>Because all these things I keep are invisible, intangible. They go unnoticed and unacknowledged until they are missed. They are not graded or peer reviewed or ruled on by a court. And sometimes they are taken for granted.</p> <p>My husband and my boys are kind and generous and they love me hard. And this is by far the greatest job I have ever had. But sometimes being the Keeper is exhausting. Because you feel like you're doing it alone.</p> <p>So to all of you who are keepers, I see you.</p> <p>I know the weight of the things you keep.</p> <p>I know the invisible work you do, which doesn't come with a pay check or sick leave, is what makes the world go round.</p> <p>I see you.</p> <p>And I salute you.</p> <p>#LoveHard<br /> #ISeeYou</p> <p>(via Lucky Orange Pants) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/emotional-labor#post-2859568 Sat, 01 Dec 2018 16:57:51 +0000 periwinklebee 2859568@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@LCTBQE: Yes to seeing things as reflecting on him, not us. </p> <p>My husband is a super disorganized person, I'm the opposite. I don't mind being the main household coordinator because it just comes more naturally to me, but I decided a few years back that I'm not going to buy gifts for his family or make the house perfectly clean before he has friends over or keep reminding him to cash a check... If it's not important to him and his family or friends view it as reflecting negatively on me for not doing the typical female duties - and I know some of them undoubtedly see it that way - oh well... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/emotional-labor#post-2859504 Sat, 01 Dec 2018 08:53:16 +0000 gotkimchi 2859504@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Just another note, way back when we were engaged I told everyone I wouldn’t manage the schedule for two families so my husband and his family know everything on their side goes through him. This absolutely eased my load and took off stress. And I don’t mind if his family is inconvienced because they raised him :silly: but I do care if the ball gets dropped and my kids or other people are inconvienced</p> <p>I also think this thread was a good reminder for me that no one is perfect and what my husband does well is another husbands problem and vice versa </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/emotional-labor#post-2859502 Sat, 01 Dec 2018 08:50:24 +0000 gotkimchi 2859502@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@LCTBQE: this is funny because the cartoon isn’t really my experience but this article is! Not so much that my husband can’t handle the kids because that’s not our issue but like he thinks he’s “helping” by getting mail and putting in an unknown location then we miss something. Or he runs a load of wash and then it sits forever and stinks. @Anagram: agree that this stuff probably isn’t “emotional labor” so I guess what I resent is just my husband making more actual work for me :silly: </p> <p>I also know you can’t expect other people to do things your way so you either have to let it go or do it yourself which my husband and I are both working on but I do think it rings true for me at least that women always understand this stuff and men are sort of oblivious and I just want them to “care”! The exact same way I do lol. Also I belive sweetiepie said it in the thread about the husband with 4 kids that the best way to beat all of this stuff is to raise our boys to be expected to help and contribute so that is also something I’m really being cognizant of </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/emotional-labor#post-2859494 Sat, 01 Dec 2018 07:56:27 +0000 Anagram 2859494@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My husband does a lot more than other husbands I know, but that blows my mind because I still do more (regular labor and emotional labor) related to our kids, so I don’t understand how other husbands get away with doing even less. </p> <p>I actually don’t love the term emotional labor lately because most of this stuff in the article is just actual labor. So folding a sheet, regular household task. Cooking meals and planning meals—regular task. Buying birthday gifts—also not emotional. Calling and making appointments—actual labor. Helping kids with homework or cleaning out closets because of seasonal changes, loading a dishwasher correctly, doing laundry correctly, packing backpacks and getting the kid and all their fbead to school—it’s all regular labor. </p> <p>The emotional labor—remembering events, rsvp-ing for events, I guess this is emotional labor, but we also have “remembering when the car needs an oil change, remembering when bills are due, remembering to make a payment for Dance,” and in our house, these things are split pretty evenly. My husband never thinks about regular dentist and doctor checkups and I do. But he remembers his own family’s events and pays the big bills and remembers when bills are due and when we have payments to make. Before we got married, I would pay late fees all the time because I would just forget to pay on time—now, everything is in time because it’s either set up to auto pay, or my husband remembers. I remember kid classmate birthdays/gifts/doctor appointments. I think that’s a fair split. </p> <p>My husband is 100% in charge of breakfast daily, from shopping for the items to knowing what’s in the fridge, to preparing it and cleaning it. I do dinner and I pack lunches at the same time. So I do 2 kid meals while he does 1, but I work 1 hour less a day than he does so I don’t think it’s an unfair split. </p> <p>Our one big issue is house cleanliness—I am actually not a clean freak and I don’t care how a fitted sheet is folded. But I don’t like the main area of our house to be messy and I think everything should be cleaned 1x a week, and my husband just like Doesn’t think bathrooms ever need to be cleaned. I’m not goin to clean a grown mans barhroom, so I stopped sharing a bathroom with him and now he has his own bathroom that is generally filthy and I share with our kids and our bathroom is generally clean. </p> <p>Do I like that his shower has probably not been cleaned in 3 months? No. It’s an issue that comes up over and over—but I generally try to avoid it because I’ve realized he has a lot of things together (he’s great at laundry for instance) but he is somehow not capable or just doesn’t place importance on having a clean bathroom space. I have taught, I have nagged, I have asked, I have pleaded, I have ignored—and still the bathroom is dirty. So I give up.</p> <p>I should say, he feels the same way about how I do laundry. I am the one that does laundry and put the clean load on a chair in our room and then I never put it away, it just sits there till I wear it. I think clean laundry is better than a dirty bathroom. But at the end of the day, we both have 1 big issue that drives the other person crazy and I try not to let it ruin our daily life. </p> <p>Mail piling up in a common space for 3 months? Man that’s terrible when it’s resulting in unpaid bills and Late fees and lower credit ratings. I guess I should be thanking the universe my husband place big importance on doing things that would cost him money—I may have a dirty master bathroom but that’s one thing I will never have to worry about. </p> <p>Humans are weird—it makes you wonder how much is nature vs nurture. My mother is the most organized person in the world but I didn’t inherit that from her. My husband is type A in so many ways, but that mysteriously leaves him when it comes to his bathroom. We all have our mysterious foibles. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/emotional-labor#post-2859477 Sat, 01 Dec 2018 05:44:12 +0000 hitchhiker 2859477@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@LCTBQE: totally agree with the it's on you not us reasoning. And I have learned a ton from trying to think more like my husband. I try not to inconvenience people outside my family too much, but I am definitely fine if my kids suffer lightly from my husband being in charge (activities and lunch forgotten levels of suffering). I have certainly forgotten things like that. I think they would suffer more from growing up in an environment where both parents weren't trusted to run the household.</p> <p>I think the biggest thing we did that help set up a good mental load balance dynamic was that my husband took several weeks of parental leave with both kids after I went back to work. With our first, he was honestly kind of a jerk when I was on maternity leave. He was annoyed that I wasn't getting stuff done around the house during the day. I was livid. On literally my first day back at work, he called to apologize because he realized what I was spending my time doing! That time gave him the confidence to care for our girls alone. Our one piece of advice to all new parents is that the non-birthing partner to have at least a week or two where they are the primary caretaker. I realize it's harder if one partner is SAH. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/emotional-labor#post-2859462 Fri, 30 Nov 2018 23:48:33 +0000 LCTBQE 2859462@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Foodnerd81: YES. my linen closet looks like a german army. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/emotional-labor#post-2859460 Fri, 30 Nov 2018 23:42:30 +0000 Foodnerd81 2859460@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@LCTBQE: I am weirdly particular about how the towels are folded so they stack right in the linen closet. I taught my husband how to do it. :happy: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/emotional-labor#post-2859458 Fri, 30 Nov 2018 23:23:46 +0000 LCTBQE 2859458@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Foodnerd81: I hear you on the point about letting your husband suffer for himself but not wanting him to inconvenience others. I don't know if you can relate to this, but I used to feel like when my husband forgot something and it screwed up schedule or messed up someone else's day that it was a reflection of our entire family. I've started looking at it more like, "okay, that's on you, not US". I'm far from having all this figured out, but the burden is lighter since I started thinking this way. Also, I got the idea for the above sentiment when I realized that's how he reasoned ;) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/emotional-labor#post-2859457 Fri, 30 Nov 2018 23:12:58 +0000 LCTBQE 2859457@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We have tried really hard in our relationship to see clearly what is mental load that is totally necessary for household/kids to function, and what is how my finicky control freak self *prefers* things to be. This has saved a lot of strife for us--my husband has stepped up on necessary things because I've pared down what I ask and get annoyed over. and I've stopped resenting him so much for not doing things I want done MY way. It's a work in progress but so is everything.</p> <p>In this article, the author is too annoyed at her husband's lackluster effort to fold a fucking fitted crib sheet to let him go on, so she feels she must take over. I am extremely uptight over the way things are folded too--I have a system for just about everything, I am seriously miss hospital corners--but the difference is that I recognize that it's unreasonable and undermining to expect my spouse to mimic this crazy-uptight behavior of mine just because he married me. How the dishwasher is loaded is not really a problem. </p> <p>I related to the Emma cartoon about the mental load, but this article.. I don't get. Agree with @hitchhiker: that if you're married to someone who can't feed your kids and get them out the door, now is a good time to start learning. I understand that to many moms who try so, so hard, that having their kids suffer or get less-than-great treatment when dad/partner is in charge is too painful to bear, so they feel like they can't ever turn off. But if there's that much distrust, then how will their partner ever learn? And why does this wisdom tooth thing lead to terrible mom guilt that "she" dropped the ball--why not just blazing anger at the husband for being a disorganized doofus who fucked it up. </p> <p>The big caveat would be if you're married to someone who just seriously doesn't give a shit about *anything*, which sounds like a pretty tough hand to be dealt. The recent thread about someone's friend who was married to an infantile jerk who contributed zero help with their four kids was heartbreaking to read. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/emotional-labor#post-2859441 Fri, 30 Nov 2018 21:05:35 +0000 Foodnerd81 2859441@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@hitchhiker: jumping in here- no one would die, but I think other people would suffer more than my husband would if he was poorly prepared- like teachers and other students suffer if he drops the kid off late, of your own kid suffers if he forgets to pack lunch or forgets an activity. So while I’m willing to let my husband suffer for his own incompetence, I am not willing to inconvenience other people or let my kids suffer for it (within reason).<br /> Those are just generic examples- when I leave I need to remind my husband about activities and times but he is capable of deciding to make them Mac and cheese or tortellini on his own. He has learned the hard way that one of our kids won’t eat said tortellini if he dares put tomato sauce on it. Then again, I’ve never been gone more than overnight. And that was once since our almost 3 year old was born. </p> <p>For us, I SAH, so of course much of those stuff falls on me- both scheduling doctor appts and getting to school on time and making lunches, but also bigger things like researching the right school for them and what activities would be best for them and things like that. This part I’m ok with as long as I get the acknowledgment and help when I need it. But smaller things like everyone on both sides of the family ask me what the kids want for Christmas and what WE want and I don’t get the feeling that he knows what’s another mental load. And yet, like the author, any time I’ve talked to another woman about it, she gets it immediately. </p>