https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Thu, 30 Apr 2026 07:48:37 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/emotions-around-closing-the-factory#post-2927979 Sat, 11 Feb 2023 21:49:49 +0000 MoonMoon 2927979@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@yellowbeach: I do get where you're coming from, I dealt/am dealing with with the same issues. Knowing there will be no more babies is to have a completely different relationship with out bodies and our self identities. I've really grappled with not being young any more, and the ability to have babies for better or worse is one of the aspects of what being young is. For example, I take birth control pills for period regulation and other side effects even though contraction is not a concern for me. And when I tell doctors that I take it, I sense a moment of pause, and in my mind they're asking themselves why an old lady would need to take birth control. Like other posters, I also feel that I started late and if I'd started earlier, I'd have possibly had more than the two children I have now. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/emotions-around-closing-the-factory#post-2927929 Fri, 27 Jan 2023 14:19:57 +0000 MACSUNSHINE 2927929@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I am sorry and I get it, my kids are 7, almost 5 and almost 3. My husband would actually like a fourth and I deep down would but I am almost 41 and there is beauty in getting out of diapers and not missing my older kids activities. Plus I have seen so much struggle/loss that I feel like I would be tempting fate, my anxiety has increased with every pregnancy and how blessed we are. </p> <p>But that doesn’t stop me aching for another pregnancy and baby, I love both. It is expected to mourn that and it is ok. I still have yet to schedule my appointment to cut my tubes 🙃, avoiding that I am officially closed.</p> <p>I think after being in the baby stage for so long it is normal to feel lost in your body. Yours are still young, I have finally been prioritizing myself this year. Getting back to the gym, doing my hair again, things that I had just let go. It has made a world of difference. I do see a therapist who I adore and she has been my cheerleader. I would encourage you to ask around, get on wait lists. Mental health is impossible in the US but there are gems out there and it may just take time.</p> <p>I also kept not buying new clothes, waiting for the weight to come off. Buy the clothes! Having clothes that fit and make you feel good is amazing, ignore the size. Not sure if that is even part of your struggle but just a thing that I did to myself for too long. I won’t tell you the size range I have in my closet 😜. I am working to embrace middle age and I think there is beauty in it, not easy but you will find your way. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/emotions-around-closing-the-factory#post-2927927 Thu, 26 Jan 2023 11:04:33 +0000 yellowbeach 2927927@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Chuckles: I started following iconaccidental and think more of this type thing would be good in my life. Who else are you following? </p> <p>@JJ2626: I definitely think this is me and my perspective on things that’s coloring everything. I’ve tried to reach out for therapy a few times over the last year with no luck. Either no one “real” is taking in new patients, or things like zbetterHelp have fizzled fast. Tried the latter twice and ended up paying a fee for a therapist who could never meet when I was available, and another who was really pushy and just not a good fit for me. When I was going through IVF my REI connected me to an awesome PhD who i el saw for about two years. I lost her thanks to COVID when she moved out of state and was no longer licensed in mine. But yes - totally agree with you. </p> <p>@Cake2017: thanks 😊 </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/emotions-around-closing-the-factory#post-2927926 Thu, 26 Jan 2023 08:00:52 +0000 cake2017 2927926@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@yellowbeach: Its hard! 5.5, 3 and 17 months here. We are done. I have my moments. It makes me sad but I know it’s best that we are done. I think you have to give yourself grace and can “grieve “ but you know what is best and i think if 4 is too much and comes with a lot of added stuff than stay strong and work through this. This is a good start posting here!💕 </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/emotions-around-closing-the-factory#post-2927917 Tue, 24 Jan 2023 13:05:36 +0000 agold 2927917@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I tried to think about what is good for the kid versus what is good for myself. Stopping at 2 seemed best for all, but most especially the 2 that I already have. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/emotions-around-closing-the-factory#post-2927916 Tue, 24 Jan 2023 10:09:21 +0000 Chuckles 2927916@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I have been thinking about your post and wanted to add a couple of things once I read other people's posts, too. I have conflicting suggestions :) The first is that (which of course you know) you won't be able to keep having babies forever just to feel young and replace people who are passing, so at some point you'll have to sit with those feelings, process them, and move on. You don't want to get stuck mourning aging forever. But I think it will always be a little bit of a mindf*ck to see ourselves in the mirror as we age since none of us really feel middle-aged internally. </p> <p>But then on the other hand, maybe think about what is actually upsetting you and see if there's anything you can do to help. Like, if you're worrying about your looks changing as you age, maybe treat yourself to some new eye cream and make-up, or a really good pair of jeans that fit well, if that might make you feel more confident about your looks. There are also a few instagram pages I started following of older ladies who look awesome (but also their real age - not like tons of plastic surgery or anything). One is called iconaccidental. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/emotions-around-closing-the-factory#post-2927912 Mon, 23 Jan 2023 18:32:36 +0000 JJ2626 2927912@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I’m sorry you are feeling so down. Have you been to therapy? I just say this because it doesn’t sound like what you are struggling with is really the idea of a 4th child but how to find your own self-worth, which somehow is tied up with being pregnant/having a baby even if you don’t really want another kid? </p> <p>I am 40 and also having a hard time aging and not always feeling like i have the life I thought I would or other people do at this point t. But for me, my baby factory closed after baby #1 and I am at peace with my little family so it’s not really related to that. All that to say, aging is hard, being a woman is extra hard, and being a mom is the hardest. No one really has it all together or is the perfect confident person you think you’re seeing. But-I do think you should be able to find a way to accept yourself and love yourself. You are deserving of it! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/emotions-around-closing-the-factory#post-2927911 Mon, 23 Jan 2023 11:04:19 +0000 karenbme 2927911@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>You mentioned that you give yourself grace while pregnant, and I wonder if there are ways you could generalize that grace into non-pregnant life? Grace is one of the big things I feel like I gained from my struggles getting and staying pregnant. For me, it looks like understanding that I’m doing what I can and trying to accept my limits. Sometimes I’m successful and sometimes not, but it’s a journey not a destination.</p> <p>In terms of transitioning into middle age, I’m 38 and have been thinking about it a lot as I approach 40. I think, the thing you said about seeing other people is really telling in that we’re all going through it, it’s just not right get on the surface. What you see with others, they likely see in you too. If I remember correctly you’re a doctor with three littles and a successful marriage. Outwardly, you probably don’t look like you’re struggling with aging just like you don’t see others as struggling, which I guess comes back to giving yourself grace and the space you need to work through it. </p> <p>My baby factory is also closed after #2 arrived in December, but my emotions are much different. Three or four kids would be beautiful, but I’m happy to know I’ll never have to go through the same struggles I’ve had to get and stay pregnant again. It’s a weight off my shoulders, truly. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/emotions-around-closing-the-factory#post-2927909 Mon, 23 Jan 2023 10:29:47 +0000 togetherthroughlife 2927909@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I’m younger than you so can’t relate to the aging elements — but it looks like you have a 2.5 and 1 year old so you’re very much in the thick of baby and toddler stuff. Think about your six year old - no more diapers! Potty training over! In school! All those things make the baby years feel like a distant memory. I think as your two younger ones grow, your hormones will continue to even out PP, and maybe - MAYBE! - the baby urge won’t be as strong. Your feelings are all very valid! Life changes are hard. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/emotions-around-closing-the-factory#post-2927906 Mon, 23 Jan 2023 08:53:22 +0000 snarkybiochemist 2927906@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm younger then you, only 35 but I permanently closed the baby factory when I had a hysterotomy last year, It was hard as hell emotionally to make that choice even knowing we were one and done there is something very hard about making the final call. I just kept sitting with it and thinking about what makes our family work as it is. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/emotions-around-closing-the-factory#post-2927905 Sun, 22 Jan 2023 23:03:41 +0000 yellowbeach 2927905@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Chuckles: I’m definitely going to check out the book. I like your perspective of looking at this as a developmental milestone. I was feeling cliche, but that frames it in a much more tolerable way for me. </p> <p>You mention thinking about older adults… I was just tonight trying to put myself into my moms shoes… she lost her last parent in 1993, her only brother in 2018, and her husband in 2022. Now she’s alone. The last survivor of her nuclear family. I think she’s amazing and try to absorb everything I can from her, but I often wonder about the loneliness and weight of sequentially watching everyone you care about die off one by one. </p> <p>Are the babies supposed to just replace everyone we’ve lost? Should that joy overcome the absence? </p> <p>Getting old sucks. I’m not on board yet. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/emotions-around-closing-the-factory#post-2927903 Sun, 22 Jan 2023 19:32:59 +0000 Chuckles 2927903@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I totally empathize with this. DH took *a lot* of convincing to go for #2 and then it took 4 miscarriages to get her. I'm turning 43 in a few weeks, and we're definitely not adding any more kids. But I have a supervisor at work who is pregnant, and I'm totally jealous of the baby kicks and feeling a little sad that I'll never be pregnant again. I've said multiple times recently that if I had started younger, we had more money, and I had a different DH, I might have wanted 3 kids. But that's not the life I have, and that's okay. </p> <p>I think a couple things have been helping. The first is time. DD is now 3 years old and things are starting to get easier again. Also, trying to lean into the idea of middle age - I recommend Laurie Notaro's new book called Excuse Me While I Disappear. I've been talking a lot about starting to feel middle-aged lately because I'm trying to process the idea and integrate it into my idea of myself. I think of any next stage in life as a process and normalizing all your feelings around it. It's the same as any stage with our kids and the not so good things that come with it - I don't have to like it, but it's developmentally appropriate (in this case, to be a little sad about aging). I find that I'm also really interested in the experiences of older adults recently and how it must feel to know that you are towards the end of your life, and I assume that's related to my own feelings around aging and feeling like, for the first time, I can envision myself being elderly, which is so crazy. So, nothing earth shattering here, but just empathy and giving yourself time to process all those feelings. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/emotions-around-closing-the-factory#post-2927902 Sun, 22 Jan 2023 16:39:36 +0000 yellowbeach 2927902@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>So here I am, returning to the people who helped me so much during my TTC years, struggling with infertility and loss. 6 years later I now have three beautiful LOs, 6, 2.5 and 1. </p> <p>I feel like the rational part of me knows we are done. I’m 44, so it likely wouldn’t happen naturally and we wouldn’t do IVF again, but I also said that prior to having #3 at age 43. </p> <p>Financially and as far as family logistics, it would just complicate everything. DH was pretty upset about #3 - saying multiple times it just blew up the plan and added stress when we had things under control. I know he doesn’t want a 4th. For sure. </p> <p>And I’ve had so many health issues with each delivery/postpartum period. A 4th feels like tempting fate. </p> <p>But about three times a week I think about just pulling my IUD. </p> <p>I long to be pregnant again as I give myself and my imperfect body total grace when pregnant, and just feel so down on myself when not. </p> <p>Closing the factory at age 44 represents more than just no more babies, but admitting I’m middle-aged and entering a later phase of my life. Where I’m older. I’m no longer a head turner. No one flirts with me. </p> <p>It’s caused me to realize my appearance has been much a part of my identity and way I navigate the world than I had realized. I’m ashamed of that some days, others just grieving its loss. </p> <p>I see other women so confident in their mid 40s, and most would look at me and feel I’m quite accomplished. So why can’t I? Why do I feel so in limbo? I’m happy with everything and everyone around me, just not myself. </p> <p>I know these are not legitimate reasons to add a fourth. I just want some peace and guidance in achieving acceptance of where I am. </p> <p>If anyone else feels comfortable sharing their thought process for closing the factory, I’d really appreciate it. :heart: </p>