https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Fri, 01 May 2026 09:07:46 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/extended-family-etiquette#post-2889211 Thu, 27 Jun 2019 08:20:51 +0000 2littlepumpkins 2889211@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Becky: I honestly think not inviting (great) grandma to the birthday party is a little odd unless no other family was invited. As for the concert thing, I think it's totally normal for that to be parents only. I guess it's understandable if they were jealous and feeling excluded if the other grandma was there, maybe if they didn't know she was your dd's transportation too. But they need to take care of that with your husband, and if they knew that your mom was there sort of incidentally then I just don't see the issue. (Meaning.. they need to just get over that.)</p> <p>I would just say something like "oops, sorry, it was a really short concert so none of the kids really invited a lot of people," or whatever, and tell your husband he needs to deal with this from now on. I wouldn't say anything about being busy or any of that.</p> <p>I wish we lived by extended family who wanted to always be there! But I get it, living by family also = dealing with the family drama! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/extended-family-etiquette#post-2889209 Thu, 27 Jun 2019 08:01:22 +0000 Becky 2889209@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Just another thanks to everyone for confirming this is an annoying situation. @PSW27 you’re spot on with the childishness and literally having no time for this because we work a lot then come home and take care of the kids. My mom told me last night that MIL told her when my mom asked if great grandma was going to join us for lunch the other day (turns out she just happened to be there at the same time, buying some bread), “Well, she wasn’t invited.” Ahhhh.</p> <p>I have a feeling this will be brought up when we’re all together for 4th of July so I’ve been working on my response which will include the fact that from now on DH is responsible for making sure “the right people” are invited to events, and that we also reserve the right to decide to have a smaller get together if we want to. I do want to point out that I didn’t grow up here and where I grew up very few people had extended family around, so I have no way of knowing who is “supposed to be” invited to what events (btw it’s also like this at school—most parents went through our school system and if you didn’t it’s like you’re supposed to know about certain ways of doing things by osmosis—I actually brought this up at a PTO meeting). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/extended-family-etiquette#post-2889156 Wed, 26 Jun 2019 15:11:21 +0000 MaryM 2889156@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Becky: "DH and I had a text convo about it earlier and he said he’d have my back which is the biggest thing for me."</p> <p>Something that maybe could be even bigger...DH doesn't need to just "have your back" (that sounds like he supports whatever you say/do)</p> <p>You might encourage him to step up and do some of the communicating and setting the tone. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/extended-family-etiquette#post-2889155 Wed, 26 Jun 2019 15:08:29 +0000 MaryM 2889155@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>DH and I tend to deal with our own respective families. </p> <p>In the case of larger celebrations, I let DH know who I'd like to invite from my family and ask him who we should include from his. </p> <p>My mom wouldn't care if MIL did something without her (my mom has 16 grandchildren), but I know MIL wants to be more involved and might feel slighted if the situation was reversed (our son is her only grand).</p> <p>But I don't think you should have to take all the responsibility on yourself. Your DH needs to do some of the managing here. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/extended-family-etiquette#post-2889146 Wed, 26 Jun 2019 13:38:27 +0000 psw27 2889146@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>As others have said -- DH's family, DH's problem. Your MIL is being petty -- she can communicate with her husband. As pointed out above - do they talk to you AND your husband every time they want to do something that both of you are expected to attend? That is ridiculous. Who has time for this childishness -- I know you don't cause you and DH are busting your butts working. Hard pass on MIL communications. There would be a lot of "I dunno, you need to ask DH" and "Oh check with DH, he is making all of the invites and plans now".... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/extended-family-etiquette#post-2889138 Wed, 26 Jun 2019 12:31:26 +0000 codeitall 2889138@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'd honestly ask DH to communicate to his family that if they're only going to complain about events they were not invited to personally, then you won't invite them. Not every event needs to have a cheering section of extended family.</p> <p>You're in the very early stages of kid events. My family had competitions/concerts/recitals every week. My extended family didn't live close enough to come to anything until I was in high school, and even then they weren't invited to all my meets and that's fine. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/extended-family-etiquette#post-2889001 Tue, 25 Jun 2019 15:00:01 +0000 Becky 2889001@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@kiddosc: Yea, we will start inviting people. Like I said to my MIL though, how was I supposed to know I needed to invite these people? I didn’t grow up near extended family, and I also have the first grandchild and great grandchild so there is no one to look to for precedent. That’s what really gets to me. Like, hey I am the outsider here—if someone wants something done a certain way then they need to tell me that first rather than pointing it out and repeatedly bringing it up after. Also right now the other young moms in the family are my SIL and my husband’s cousins wife who they all grew up with so they both obv. know all the ropes. I just want to tell all the “adults” (because we’re still “the kids”) “Leave me alone!”</p> <p>MIL currently babysits on Tuesdays so it’s not really avoidable, and I also feel indebted to her because of that. She won’t be babysitting come September though so maybe that will make things easier. </p> <p>DH and I had a text convo about it earlier and he said he’d have my back which is the biggest thing for me. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/extended-family-etiquette#post-2888990 Tue, 25 Jun 2019 14:25:01 +0000 kiddosc 2888990@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think your DH needs to step in and talk to his Mom. He needs to tell her that it is his fault and that she needs to stop guilt tripping you... and also that not everyone will get an invite to every event. </p> <p>But also, I sort of think that you and your DH need to start thinking about inviting grandparents and great grandma to events like the school concert or sports games. ( I would assume an invite to MIL includes FIL) The kids would love having more people there to support them and the grandparents won't be around forever. Your MIL is going about it in all the wrong ways... but I get her frustration about being feeling excluded. Come up with a plan with your DH and then communicate to MIL together so everyone has the same expectations. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/extended-family-etiquette#post-2888976 Tue, 25 Jun 2019 12:17:25 +0000 helloperidot 2888976@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.</p> <p>Stop inviting her to things. It's now your husband's job to deal with his family. You have enough on your plate to worry about. It doesn't matter how it's always been done or who has always done it, this is how your family is going to do it from now on. People will complain, and then they'll get used to it and move on. Your job, your only job, is to stand firm and say "you should talk to your son about that."</p> <p>I recently had to block my FILs number in my phone because he was pulling some of the same triangulation, king of the roost BS. Now, I'm not suggesting you have to go to the same extreme (we have a long history and I did so at the encouragement of my husband because FIL is, to put it as nicely as possible, a dick). I am saying that you and your husband need to decide what your boundaries/outcomes look like, put them into place, and then you have to stand strong and reinforce them.</p> <p>In the meantime, you might also try saying "MIL, you should know by now that whenever I mention an event to you that it's a blanket invitation to FIL and GGMIL as well. Do you invite DH and I separately to your events? No? Then I would appreciate the same courtesy be extended our way as well."</p> <p>Or you could be really passive aggressive and send embossed, mailed invites for everything. Think wedding invitations with soccer practice information on them, mailed to the home. 😉 </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/extended-family-etiquette#post-2888973 Tue, 25 Jun 2019 12:03:35 +0000 Jess1483 2888973@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>At this point, the next time it’s brought up, I’d say “we’ve decided to communicate all events to our own extended families. From now on, DH will keep you informed of upcoming events. Feel free to talk to him about your expectations.” I would be beyond frustrated, though. Them constantly bringing it up is uncalled for. ETA: for this to work, you are likely going to need to respond to inquiries in the future with “you’ll have to check with DH.” </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/extended-family-etiquette#post-2888970 Tue, 25 Jun 2019 11:04:45 +0000 Becky 2888970@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Ugh so just had to add to this. I apologized to my FIL seven he stopped by recently just a “Hey, I’m sorry about not inviting you. I figured MIL would have told you.” Today was DD’s last day of school so I asked MIL aid she’d want to join us for lunch. I also asked my mom if she wanted to come, since MIL wouldn’t be bringing the other younger kiddos. MIL brought great grandma without telling me, which I’m irked about because I had planned a little lunch just us but whatever. But then both great grandma and MIL brought up me not inviting grandpa or great grandma to these events explicitly. WTH?! My MIL kept poking, saying I should have told FIL so I said “Well you did know about it. I’ve never had to invite him to anything before because you told him.” That didn’t suffice and she added more on top and then said DH doesnt know when things are going on so we should have a calendar (we do—color coded and on our fridge because he can’t do a shared calendar) and that I should text him (I also do that). She just won’t let this go. It’s driving me nuts! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/extended-family-etiquette#post-2887268 Fri, 07 Jun 2019 20:00:34 +0000 MamaCate 2887268@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Becky: I think you have already gotten a lot of good advice above and I definitely validate the frustration of feeling like there are secret rules that you are now getting “in trouble” for not following when they were never clearly communicated. This might be a good opportunity to re-set expectations going forward.</p> <p>I am chiming in to add another perspective on the DH deals with his family thoughts. We do not do it that way and it works well for us. I am the one to text MIL and SILs about kid events etc. DH is involved with some things but I just sent info regarding my summer baby birthday to all three of them. This doesn’t mean that DH is totally off the hook and I apprise him of what I am doing but it works well for us. So if that is a better option for you then go with that. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/extended-family-etiquette#post-2887259 Fri, 07 Jun 2019 18:44:42 +0000 JCCovi 2887259@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I’m in the minority, but I would definitely make an effort to invite everyone. Especially the great-grandparents. I’d see it as a blessing that they want to be there and an opportunity for the kids to bond with those relatives! </p> <p>To validate your feelings though, I would be irate if my MIL texted my Mom about grandma not being invited...</p> <p>Maybe to make it easier you could set up an email list and use that to fire off invitations? For something like soccer games I agree with previous comments to just share the whole schedule at the beginning of the seasoning. But I think birthday parties and performances would be worth a quick email. If it’s a pre-set list you wouldn’t have to worry about forgetting anyone and in 99% of families I think only the people who really want to be there would make it so it wouldn’t likely increase invitations by too many people. (Great-Grandparents vs. Aunts and Uncles) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/extended-family-etiquette#post-2887160 Fri, 07 Jun 2019 11:19:48 +0000 JJ2626 2887160@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>It drives me crazy when people assume the women is in charge of events and invites and things like that. I agree your DH should deal with his family and if you get your “wrist slapped” tell them DH was in charge. Ugh! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/extended-family-etiquette#post-2887148 Fri, 07 Jun 2019 10:28:13 +0000 graceandjoy 2887148@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>(1) I feel like this is just mostly different upbringing/mis-communication. If after your husband reviewed the list, and no one caught that g-gma wasn't invited, I wouldn't say you have to take all the heat for it... But I think this does set the tone for the future, it would seem like all family would want/need to be invited so you'd have to keep that in mind when planning</p> <p>(2) Again, honest oversight (or not even really since you said MIL always tells FIL everything). Again, I feel like with a "thanks, well noted", they really should drop this and you now know to always mass text as not to leave anyone out potentially</p> <p>Now, I know this prob seems like a lot of work/thought for you, since you didn't grow up that way. I 100% don't think it's your fault, and if you are able to talk to your in-laws about it, that A) you're not used to having a huge family nearby and B) you lead busy lives and sometimes you just forget, plain and simple. And I think you and DH need to have at talk about WHO really needs to be responsible for communication (and also he needs to step up and defend you if something falls through the crack), and also time to start thinking about boundaries. As nice as it is to always see/hang out with extended family, everyone needs some sort of boundaries to stay sane! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/extended-family-etiquette#post-2887147 Fri, 07 Jun 2019 10:28:00 +0000 jhd 2887147@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I’m obviously in the minority here but I would make sure to invite great grandma and the ILs to bday parties and special events. My 5yo played soccer for the first time this spring. At the start of the season I sent my dad info. And he came to every game. It meant so much to my son. I know family dynamics are hard and I have done more than my fair share of venting about my ILs. But I try to view it from the perspective that my sons are fortunate to have so many people who love them and want to support them. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/extended-family-etiquette#post-2887130 Fri, 07 Jun 2019 09:55:02 +0000 Ajsmommy 2887130@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I grew up within walking distance from my maternal grandparents and an aunt. I am also from a very small town.. read that there isn't much to do there, aka my grandparents and aunt were usually free.... they came to ALL of my events.. everything from concerts to graduations to sporting events. I'm sure my mom didn't have to formally invite them but they obviously communicated daily and I'm sure my mom would apprise them of our schedules etc</p> <p>So to me your MIL/FIL and great grandmom wanting to be invited isn't odd and if I had been you I probably would have invited them on my own. </p> <p>My DH's family isn't near as close as mine and he thinks I am crazy when I still send invitations to bday parties to all of my aunts (now old and living all over the east coast) and my mom and my gram.. none of them actually come unless it's a planned trip but I do still invite them.</p> <p>I personally think you have to figure out what works for you and your family. As pp's suggested it sounds like you don't want to be the go between so I'd make your DH responsible. </p> <p>In my life I tend to mention to DH to invite his parents (they live closer than any of my relatives) or i'll ask if he has and if he hasn't then I text my MIL. This just happened this week actually. DD graduated from prek. When we got the invitation I texted a picture to my MIL and she confirmed with me that they would attend.... </p> <p>Every family is different so I'd just figure out what works best for you all. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/extended-family-etiquette#post-2887125 Fri, 07 Jun 2019 09:27:20 +0000 ALV91711 2887125@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This is one reason I’m glad that our extended families don’t live in the same city as is! Sorry you have to deal with this. </p> <p>I agree with others that DH should handle his family. I know this doesn’t always work out to be the case. For the birthday since it wasn’t a family party great grandma didn’t need to be invited, especially if there was a family dinner. The concert your MIL should have told your FIL and if she didn’t his hurt feelings are on her. </p> <p>Soccer games...you don’t have time to invite everyone to everything. Is it possible to just give them a schedule at the beginning of the season and they can go watch any games that they want to? </p> <p>You shouldn’t have to invite everyone to everything, invite who you want and don’t worry about the rest. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/extended-family-etiquette#post-2887114 Fri, 07 Jun 2019 08:35:59 +0000 Becky 2887114@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Just to reiterate I’m glad I’m not out of line here. We did invite DHs grandma to first birthdays and baptisms. We don’t have a very big house for hosting so it’s also hard to invite tons of people. Also I didn’t mention that for every bday there’s also always a bday dinner at my MILs with just family and DH’s grandma is always invited to that. I’m definitely going to put the onus on my husband for managing his family, but also put some of the suggestions about how to respond when someone is offended to use. Also I completely forgot to note that my MIL TEXTED MY MOM to tell her great grandma was disappointed she wasn’t invited to DDs bday and would my mom please coordinate having great grandma over that day to drop off a present. Meanwhile we had seen great grandma the previous weekend and were seeing her the following weekend and MIL lives less than a mile from her and had been babysitting DD the day before. Things like soccer games too—I had comments from some family about wishing they had known DD had a soccer game because they would have come (DD is 5–my husband and I don’t even both usually go). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/extended-family-etiquette#post-2887112 Fri, 07 Jun 2019 08:34:37 +0000 periwinklebee 2887112@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Agreed with others, tell your husband to deal with it. My MIL comes straight to me with her complaints/concerns. I forward them on to my husband. He has a lifetime of experience with her and the family dynamic, and should handle it... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/extended-family-etiquette#post-2887107 Fri, 07 Jun 2019 08:14:30 +0000 ElbieKay 2887107@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Your MIL is out of line. And your husband should be stepping in to let her know that.</p> <p>1. It is not her call who you invite.<br /> 2. She should not be triangulating. If her mother or husband have hurt feelings they should speak with you directly. She needs to drop the Queen Bee mentality.<br /> 3. Bitching to you after the fact doesn’t help anyone.<br /> 4. She should be communicating first with your husband.</p> <p>I would just fwd the message to him and force him to manage her expectations. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/extended-family-etiquette#post-2887102 Fri, 07 Jun 2019 07:00:20 +0000 erinbaderin 2887102@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Oh man, this is so hard. But my main thought has already been raised - this is your husband's job, not your job, and it makes me angry that your mother in law is coming at you about these "slights" and not him. </p> <p>But with the concern especially, if your mother in law had said she wouldn't be able to go I would have absolutely assumed that she would have told your father in law about it (assuming that they're still married). Are you seriously supposed to tell them separately about things? Like, you call over there to invite them for dinner and then ask to have the other one on the phone so you can make sure everybody knows?</p> <p>I also would have bristled at the "send a text to everybody about events like this" comment. It is absolutely up to you to decide who you invite. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/extended-family-etiquette#post-2887101 Fri, 07 Jun 2019 06:46:40 +0000 threeplusme 2887101@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My family lives out if state but nearly all my husband's family lives within an hour of us. His grandmother is still alive (kids great gran) and she is included in all parties though we never formally invite her. My mother in law will just bring her along or arrange who will bring her. Mind you she is 92 and never drove. We will send her a formal invite for baptisms, communions etc but for bday parties, holiday parties we usually send evites and she doesn't have an email account. I'm of the philosophy of the more the merrier and if I'm cleaning the house for 20 guests no big deal to invite more. As for major school functions I usually send a text to my mom and mother in law letting them know. I leave it up to them whether they attend though i dont tell them everything. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/extended-family-etiquette#post-2887100 Fri, 07 Jun 2019 06:39:16 +0000 Becky 2887100@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Champagne: Okay really glad I’m not the only one that thinks my DH should deal with this. The women in his family tend to be the planners, even though they’re all the in-laws (so his dad has mostly brothers, and his cousins are male) which makes it kind of complicated but I do feel like it shouldn’t be a big deal for me to be the “outlier” and not take on the load just because they did/do. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/extended-family-etiquette#post-2887099 Fri, 07 Jun 2019 06:37:00 +0000 Becky 2887099@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Pollywog: I really like your perspective, thank you. My husband thinks everyone should stop complaining. I also think that he should be the one to deal with his family but for his family’s events they often communicate info with me. I like your suggested responses. Thank you! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/extended-family-etiquette#post-2887098 Fri, 07 Jun 2019 06:22:29 +0000 Mrs. Champagne 2887098@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Wow I would be raging that she is texting YOU and not your husband about this. Mental load. Drives me crazy. </p> <p>I would tell your husband to deal. I’ve basically stopped doing this sort of planning for my husbands family. Things get missed and feelings may get hurt but it is not my job to invite them to things. My husband can figure it out. Which he often doesn’t do so then they don’t come. Not my issue! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/extended-family-etiquette#post-2887097 Fri, 07 Jun 2019 06:06:23 +0000 Pollywog 2887097@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>What does your husband think?</p> <p>My view is that it's fantastic to raise kids with family and I'm more inclined to be inclusive than exclusive. But my husband is 100% responsible for dealing with his family. So he should be fielding these texts and inviting his family.</p> <p>My perspective is that your MIL wants to be close to you and her sending texts is as a way of letting you know how she'd like these events to go in the future. When my MIL makes similar comments I normally respond "I had no idea that's something you'd want to do. I'll tell DH to invite you next time" (he won't, but that's their problem).</p> <p>We do lots of friend only events or very select family and mostly friend activities. I just explain to MIL "DH didn't want to invite them because he didn't want them to feel obligated to come". I also don't post on social media. My family does and it causes trouble. The less they know, the less drama. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/extended-family-etiquette#post-2887095 Fri, 07 Jun 2019 05:45:24 +0000 Becky 2887095@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This is kind of a vent but also asking for some perspective if I’m in the wrong here. SO long, apologies. </p> <p>My DH’s extended family all lives in the town we live in, and he grew up here too. My parents moved here 3 years ago to be near one of their children. I didn’t grow up I’m striking distance of any extended family. It’s wonderful to have family all around and see them often. Twice recently though I’ve had my wrist slapped for not “inviting” someone to events. First one: I didn’t formally invite DH’s grandma (so my kids great grandma) to DD2’s 3rd bday party. We invited friends she explicitly asked to invite (2 of whom happen to be her first and second cousins), and her grandparents (who she also explicitly asked to invite). I didn’t think to invite great grandma, mostly because she was still in Florida when I sent the invites (we had exactly enough for friend invites, and invited grandparents by telling them) so she wasn’t on my mind when I literally reviewed the invite list with DH (she comes back at Easter, and DDs bday was on Easter, party 1 week later), and also because I hadn’t really planned to invite grandparents (it was more of a friend bday party). She was offended, passed on via MIL. This irks me because I feel like if there was someone I should have invited, MIL should have told me. We didn’t invite extended family to bday parties growing up so I explained that to her a little. </p> <p>Yesterday DD2 had her Kindergarten concert. The only reason my mom was there is because she was babysitting DD2 and picking DD1 up from school after the concert. My dad didn’t go (they’re married and live together and he knew about it). MIL knew about the concert because she saw a flyer and noted she couldn’t go because she is out of town, and in the past has always communicated events to FIL. I texted him yesterday before the concert to see if I could grab a costume from their house, and when I was there he asked about the concert and I just said “Yes, it’s just a Kindergarten concert.” It didn’t cross my mind to extrapolate as I was in transit to bring DD to school, bt in hindsight I probably should have picked up on the fact that MIL obviously didn’t tell him about it. Now he’s offended (via MIL), and she’s asked that I send a text to everyone about events like this. </p> <p>There are a few things at play for me. One, I feel like I should be able to invite whomever I want to to events. If I just wanted my nuclear family to go to a K concert, I think that should be ok and that it shouldn’t be a big deal if my mom is there because she was DDs transportation (note: this isn’t what actually happened, MIL was “invited” via seeing event flyer). Two, if MIL thinks certain people should be invited to specific events, I think she should tell me that when she herself is invited to the events (“Thanks for the invite, did you invite so and so?”). Third, I work 40+ hours a week, DH works 60, and I’m doing my hardest. Figuring out how to navigate extended family and friends and who to invite/not invite to events is obviously confusing, and if I misstep I feel like it’s not a huge deal and doesn’t warrant slapping me on the wrist via a text message. I feel like this is especially so because we also have a big friend group and sometimes just want to do something with them. </p> <p>If you made it through all that, what’s your perspective? Did I really mess up (I can take it!)? How do I talk to MIL about this (she’s gone for 3 weeks)? How do you navigate extended family? </p>