https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Mon, 20 Apr 2026 22:03:06 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/fairness#post-1832141 Sat, 23 Aug 2014 01:31:34 +0000 lemondrop 1832141@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>All of the above! It just depends on what the issue is. </p> <p>If it really bothers me, we have a conversation about it. Some things I take over and some things I lower my expectations. I have learned to pick my battles, neither of us wants to make the other miserable, but he takes criticism to heart so I'm careful. For example, if he puts away dishes that don't come out clean, I'm going to say something. However, he can't put a lid back on something to save his life (the dishwasher soap container, the cat food bin, etc) while it bothers me, it really isn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things. I put away the lids because I love him- he's a big picture guy and I'm a detail oriented gal. </p> <p>We do take the chores we each enjoy (or at least not despise) more and split what's left. I work less, so I do take on more chores, but if I have big deadlines looming, he does more because he sees me drowning- folding laundry when I get behind. Just like on nights he is worn out from work, I'll take the dishes or take out the trash that he usually does. It isn't perfect, but we have to work together to keep each other happy and feeling valued. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/fairness#post-1832095 Fri, 22 Aug 2014 23:11:06 +0000 Remcatt 1832095@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MaryM:<br /> Mary, thanks for your thoughtfulness! </p> <p>I honestly prefer to know if I'm not doing something or if another person feels underappreciated or that their efforts aren't being acknowledged if it's sincere. I'm a huge advocate for carol dweck's research on fixed/growth mindset! It's all part of the communication piece. That being said, yes the SINCERITY and tone of how it's all communicated is totally key.</p> <p>Please don't mistake my curiosity and zest for these topics as a reflection on the severity of the issue. I take good care of my mental health in a couple ways on my own accord and interest, and dh and I are interested in couples therapy just because it's healthy.</p> <p>Thanks again :happy: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/fairness#post-1832092 Fri, 22 Aug 2014 22:58:13 +0000 Remcatt 1832092@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: wow impressive! Kudos to him, and to you as we'll I'm sure! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/fairness#post-1831720 Fri, 22 Aug 2014 18:10:28 +0000 Lindsay05 1831720@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Have a conversation. We had to hash it out a few times because it was getting to the point that I would be swearing my husbands name while I was cleaning. It wasn't good. Finally, we talked about it and he simply asked why I didn't just ask him to help me out. So I told him what I expected. He helps out a lot now, especially on weekends but I still have to give him lots of reminders! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/fairness#post-1831697 Fri, 22 Aug 2014 17:47:54 +0000 FliegepilzHut 1831697@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I voted "other" because I think I would employ several of the above tactics. I think, first of all, I would try and establish each partner's honest expectations (and threshold) for neatness and cleanliness. Then, I would try to assess how responsible each party felt for the state of the house...and if there are any specific areas that are "deal-breakers" for either one of us. After having that conversation, I think you can assess whether there is a will to assume joint responsibility for domestic chores...or not. If there is...things still aren't easy-- but at least you have a bargaining chip, which is joint investment and "we" statements (as in "we really need to be better about loading the dishwasher as we go.". If there isn't a sense of shared responsibility, you can either a) lower your threshold, b) take it on personally or c) get outside help (although I realize for a lot of us, that's not a very valid option...still, a once weekly or every-other-weekly deep cleaning might be a life-saver). BTW-- this is from a messy but clean person's perspective, married to an inherently neat, but more sporadically clean(ing) person, both of whom WOH. I've been following your other posts. Wishing you luck! :goodluck: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/fairness#post-1830602 Fri, 22 Aug 2014 08:57:47 +0000 TemperanceBrennan 1830602@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We struggle with this a lot, but it's more complicated than "one of us is the clean one, one is the messy one". </p> <p>I'm a very, very messy person but I like things really clean and organized. DH consistently puts things in their place, but doesn't care about things being dirty. </p> <p>It's more of a person struggle for me - I really want my house to be clean and nice, but it is just not in my nature. I WISH my DH was a neat freak, because it would help me change my habits more, but he doesn't really mind if the house goes to shit. I will spend all day deep cleaning the house, and then over the course of the week, I make it a mess. Then I get resentful I have to clean again even though most of the mess is mine. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/fairness#post-1830577 Fri, 22 Aug 2014 08:45:27 +0000 Modern Daisy 1830577@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>DH and I are the opposite - I have a high tolerance for mess and he NEEDS everything to be super neat 100% of the time. It took us a while, but over time we've gotten to a place where we are both happy and friction is minimized. It's just like anything else that upsets one person - you both need to work on it and compromise. I now make more of an effort to keep our place neat and clean up right away instead of leaving it for later. At the same time he doesn't start a fight if he comes home and things are out of place. It still isn't perfect but at least now there is trust and understanding that both of us are aware and making an effort for the other person. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/fairness#post-1830569 Fri, 22 Aug 2014 08:41:43 +0000 looch 1830569@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I voted other, because frankly, with two full time WOH parents, a lot of things were simply not getting done. So, we looked at our budget and we got a cleaning lady for help us with the heavy lifting. The other stuff, we divided based on what we liked to do. I do the laundry/ironing, my husband does the lawn/pool care. We go grocery shopping as a family. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/fairness#post-1830562 Fri, 22 Aug 2014 08:36:36 +0000 mrbee 1830562@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Remcatt: I also have a low cleanliness threshold! Took a while to adapt, but it's definitely possible!!</p> <p>What helped me the most was to take responsibility for certain chores. Now I usually wake up early in the mornings to do the dishes and other chores. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/fairness#post-1830556 Fri, 22 Aug 2014 08:34:36 +0000 Mae 1830556@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Definitely have a conversation. You can't go on doing everything and being resentful, that's a long term recipe for disaster. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/fairness#post-1830552 Fri, 22 Aug 2014 08:32:37 +0000 MaryM 1830552@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Like everything thing else, have a conversation.</p> <p>And realize, what's "fair" isn't always equal, and what's "equal" isn't always fair. </p> <p>Everything about a relationship is a compromise. Sometimes one person might have more on their plate mentally or emotionally, and the other person might pick up the slack for them, and vice versa. </p> <p>I would be really pissed if my husband said to me that it isn't fair he always cleans the bathroom. So I would never say it isn't fair that he doesn't dust or put away his mail. </p> <p>Based on all your posts over the last few days, have you considered talking to someone about how to deal with how you feel or how you and your husband might communicate better? Have you guys ever done counseling? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/fairness#post-1830549 Fri, 22 Aug 2014 08:31:29 +0000 Cherrybee 1830549@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My husband really, really stepped it up after we had an honest conversation about it. Now I think he does more than me some days!!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/fairness#post-1830538 Fri, 22 Aug 2014 08:24:27 +0000 Adira 1830538@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Not sure if this blog post will help you, but I really liked it because it talks about how different people have different thresholds and what worked for them:</p> <p><a href="http://www.hellobee.com/2012/03/13/the-cleanliness-threshold-or-how-i-learned-to-stop-being-messy-and-love-chores/" rel="nofollow">http://www.hellobee.com/2012/03/13/the-cleanliness-threshold-or-how-i-learned-to-stop-being-messy-and-love-chores/</a></p> <p>For us, I have lower standards for cleanliness than my husband. I don't mind the mess as much as he did, and for the longest time, it would cause conflict. I think he eventually just lowered his standards to match mine, though I'm not entirely sure how happy is he about it, haha. That said, because I know what his standards are, I do try to to be more clean than I otherwise would be without him, because I don't want him to be miserable! But it's definitely taken lots of conversations for us to get a middle ground! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/fairness#post-1830531 Fri, 22 Aug 2014 08:17:54 +0000 Anutka 1830531@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>DH has a way higher tolerance, so I used to just do my own thing with the cleaning. But then we had LO and moved from a one bedroom to a three bedroom townhouse and I just can't do it all.</p> <p>We've talked and i explained to him how important it is for me to have a clean house (clean-ish, let's be serious there is no clean with a toddler). So he has really stepped it up helping me because spending a few hours on chores is more fun than dealing with a cranky pants wife. </p> <p>He likes to tease mw by saying his motto is 'happy wife, happy life'. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/fairness#post-1830514 Fri, 22 Aug 2014 08:10:43 +0000 Remcatt 1830514@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My partner and I often have trouble when it comes to doing chores and doing them well. I'm the hyper-active chore-doer, and DH has a high tolerance for mess. At times, it overwhelms our relationship, so much that I can barely see straight. </p> <p>This post is inspired by a comment from another forum. "Another tactic would be that each partner take the tasks they prefer to do, then divide up everything else based on who cares more about that task."</p> <p>What do you do when one person is apathetic and in their perspective they're doing enough household work to contibute, and the other is left with doing the majority of the remaining tasks. </p> <p>Is that just how it has to be, or does the 1-task partner have to compromise? What are some concrete tactics you all use to deal with this kind of thing? </p> <p>- Do you have a conversation? How does it play out? How often do you have to have it?<br /> - Do you take it all on yourself? What do you tell yourself or do to avoid resentment?<br /> - Do you leave it be and lower your threshhold? What does it take to get there? </p>