https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Mon, 06 Apr 2026 14:30:29 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-drama-a-long-one#post-150960 Mon, 07 May 2012 16:58:08 +0000 Mrs. Cat in the Cradle 150960@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@daniellemybelle: Thank you for the input. Part of me is worried that they will just see our contact as us just looking for presents. When money issues came up before, it clearly didn't go well. And I know a shower invite isn't *money* but I'm worried our contact will only be seen as a gift grab. Blah! Can't people just be normal and nice?! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-drama-a-long-one#post-150953 Mon, 07 May 2012 16:49:25 +0000 daniellemybelle 150953@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I am sorry you are dealing with this. I have a strained relationship with my father, so I understand how stressful, awkward and sad it all can be. :(</p> <p>Having said that, I agree with @beka. Send a birth announcement when the baby is born, but I would personally not invite the MIL or anyone from that side to the shower. This is how I would feel - If they don't come, I will once again be let down and angry. If they do come, I will have to deal with the awkwardness and stress of the situation on what should be a happy day. For *me*, it would be lose-lose, but that's me.</p> <p>Good luck with whatever you decide to do! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-drama-a-long-one#post-150939 Mon, 07 May 2012 16:25:47 +0000 Mrs. Cat in the Cradle 150939@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@sulli301: Thanks! :-) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-drama-a-long-one#post-150938 Mon, 07 May 2012 16:24:42 +0000 sulli301 150938@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I am really sorry to hear that....that really stinks! I agree with sending an invitation &amp; putting the ball into their court or just enjoying your special time with your DH &amp; letting them decide how to proceed. Good luck! I really hope it works out as well as it can for you :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-drama-a-long-one#post-150931 Mon, 07 May 2012 16:14:24 +0000 Mrs. Cat in the Cradle 150931@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@beka: Thank you for your comments - it does suck. I'm sure we will tell them when she arrives, so I may just leave the invites up to my mother and MIL. I'm just going to show up at that shower and have a fine time! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-drama-a-long-one#post-150895 Mon, 07 May 2012 15:47:44 +0000 shinystraps 150895@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We have a similar relationship with my husband's family. We have chosen to just keep offering opportunities for them to behave well. For instance, we send Christmas cards every year even though we never hear from them, and they ignore any communication from us.</p> <p>It's not much, but it is less stressful than trying to force them to be a part of our lives, and it is better (I think) than not having them in our lives at all. So for your situation, what we would probably do is let them know we were pregnant (as you did), send a birth announcement, etc.</p> <p>I would probably not invite them to the shower because after so much hurt, a public gathering may not be the place to see each other again. But it appears that your husband's father's wife may want to be involved, so that might change things a little. </p> <p>Sorry you're dealing with this - I know that it sucks. :( </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-drama-a-long-one#post-150573 Mon, 07 May 2012 12:39:46 +0000 Mrs. Cat in the Cradle 150573@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrbee: I'm happy that we are able to communicate about it. I couldn't imagine if he kept everything bottled up, or vice versa. It is a bummer, though. At this point we've had this bizzaro relationship for 6 years! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-drama-a-long-one#post-150562 Mon, 07 May 2012 12:32:33 +0000 mrbee 150562@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@elgato: Great point! It isn't just about the two of them any more... it's about whether or not he wants to build a close relationship with his granddaughter.</p> <p>Sorry you guys have to deal with this... it's wonderful that you and your husband are dealing with it together though! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-drama-a-long-one#post-150549 Mon, 07 May 2012 12:29:52 +0000 Mrs. Cat in the Cradle 150549@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrbee: I would think it is a dinstinct possibility. Especially because he'd be able to use the relationship, or lack thereof, with his granddaughter as the frame. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-drama-a-long-one#post-150540 Mon, 07 May 2012 12:27:39 +0000 mrbee 150540@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Would your husband be open to writing a letter to his father, explaining how hurt he is by his father's actions... and opening the door to a reconciliation? </p> <p>Then if the father wasn't responsive to that letter, then your husband would know he'd done everything possible to make a relationship work... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-drama-a-long-one#post-150523 Mon, 07 May 2012 12:15:57 +0000 Mrs. Cat in the Cradle 150523@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Oceanis723: I'm so sorry that things are that way. You are right, that even though it can be emotionally draining, it is important to feel like you did the best you could. I really hope he calms down and you can continue the good relationship you once had! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-drama-a-long-one#post-150351 Mon, 07 May 2012 10:24:42 +0000 Mrs. Train 150351@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I know exactly how you feel I have a cousin you I was extremely close with. In fact he is my oldest sons god father. He completely wrote me off because I discontinued a lease he had with me. He was renting my grandmothers house ( which my mother owns) for less than what was needed. In a year my parents lost thousands of dollars. When we realized what was happening we told them when their lease was up they would have to move. We gave them six months notice. He has not said more than 10 words to me in a year and a half. he even unfriended me on Facebook. I have to admit that one made me laugh a but. It seemed a bit high school drama for me.</p> <p>With that being said I still send birthday cards, birthday invites, pictures, and holiday cards. I sent him the birth announcement for my daughter. It is ridiculous an draining but in the long run I don't want to be the on with regrets. I don't want to look back and think "what if I had sent one more invite maybe he would have come back into my life.". So for now I send things in the email. I don't call or email or visit. I just send letters. That way I don't have to feel the rejection. If he throws it away I don't know about it, but I have done my best </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-drama-a-long-one#post-150266 Mon, 07 May 2012 09:39:50 +0000 SugarplumsMom 150266@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I completely agree with Chopsuey. Send them a courtesy invite and if you're having a birth announcement, send them that as well. But that's it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-drama-a-long-one#post-150239 Mon, 07 May 2012 09:26:13 +0000 Shutterbug 150239@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@elgato: I agree with your sentiment about your daughter - you don't want anyone to be able to say that you were "excluding" members of her "family" (putting all these quotes because I think there's more to family than blood relation) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-drama-a-long-one#post-150224 Mon, 07 May 2012 09:10:18 +0000 Mrs. Cat in the Cradle 150224@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@yoursilverlining: I agree with the toxic relationships comment. Life is too short to hang with people that upset you. Blood or not. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-drama-a-long-one#post-150223 Mon, 07 May 2012 09:09:12 +0000 Mrs. Cat in the Cradle 150223@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Rubies: One piece of paper sent through the mail won't take it out of me. If things continue to crumble, I at least want to be able to look my daughter in the eyes one day, and tell her we did our best. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-drama-a-long-one#post-150215 Mon, 07 May 2012 09:00:11 +0000 heffalump 150215@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I agree with the others. I would send out the invite, and let it be the last final effort. Just try not to be too disapointed if you don't get a response. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-drama-a-long-one#post-150208 Mon, 07 May 2012 08:55:23 +0000 yoursilverlining 150208@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Sorry you are going through this. You don’t have to keep up relationships with toxic people in your lives, just because those people are your blood relatives. If a relationship isn’t happy or healthy, it doesn’t make you a bad person to cut ties, or to set limits on the relationship. </p> <p>From what you wrote, it sounds like the wife is reasonable (offering to split the rehearsal dinner cost, calling you about the wedding, etc.) – although maybe this isn’t the case. If she is reasonable, you could always invite her to the shower to keep an open line of communication with someone who has made an effort to maintain a relationship. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-drama-a-long-one#post-150207 Mon, 07 May 2012 08:55:04 +0000 Rubies 150207@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@elgato: I agree that it is exhausting. My initial and gut reaction was to say, "Eff it!" but if you give it just ONE LAST shot...Using up all your energy to make this last effort, then you can rest assured that you really did everything possible. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-drama-a-long-one#post-150204 Mon, 07 May 2012 08:51:32 +0000 Mrs. Cat in the Cradle 150204@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Goldilocks1107: I feel that may be the case. Their family is very known where they live - and I don't think he likes to explain where his oldest son came from. It makes me sad. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-drama-a-long-one#post-150202 Mon, 07 May 2012 08:46:02 +0000 Goldilocks1107 150202@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Ditto. It sounds like the father's wife might be interested in bridging the gap, even if the father isn't. She might be consider attending the shower. But if not, try to not let it upset you. It might be a situation where the father has decided that since your husband is now no longer under-18, he has no interest in continuing any sort of relationship with him. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-drama-a-long-one#post-150201 Mon, 07 May 2012 08:43:31 +0000 Mrs. Cat in the Cradle 150201@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>You ladies are all correct. Although I have to admit, it does get exhasting to be the bigger person all the time. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-drama-a-long-one#post-150199 Mon, 07 May 2012 08:40:10 +0000 looch 150199@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>That's great advice. I would do the same. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-drama-a-long-one#post-150196 Mon, 07 May 2012 08:35:16 +0000 Rubies 150196@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I agree with Chopsuey in that sending out an invitation would be a nice gesture. If they decide not to show up then you know you've done all you could do to make peace and be a content family. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-drama-a-long-one#post-150185 Mon, 07 May 2012 08:27:27 +0000 chopsuey 150185@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think it's pretty obvious where they stand.. but! I would extend an invitation to your shower and leave the ball in their court. I would even go as far as sending a birth announcement when your baby arrives.<br /> Then let them come to you. That way you've done your part and you can live life happily with a clear conscience knowing you've done what you can to include them in your lives. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-drama-a-long-one#post-150172 Mon, 07 May 2012 08:13:36 +0000 Mrs. Cat in the Cradle 150172@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Sadly my husband and I are facing family issue, that leaves me with a decision to make regarding the baby shower that is being graciously thrown for me. This is a long one - you've been warned!</p> <p>First the back story:</p> <p>My husband is the product of a very short relationship between his mother and father. In fact, his father didn't know of his existence until he was eight years old. At the time of his birth, his mother was slightly ashamed of being a single parent, but also sure she could raise him on her own. And she did - but obviously as he grew older, he asked questions about his father. This led her to seek him out, so he could play a role in his life. By the time my husband and his father met for the first time, his father had married and started a family of his own. Everything went well, though. My husband would visit for the summer and some holidays, and this is how it was up until the beginning of our relationship.</p> <p>Things started to change, though, when my husband dropped out of school. He has since finished up (as a working adult going to night school), but this act of walking away from his education infuriated his father. I feel it is important to note, though, that his father was not footing the bill at all. This started the downhill slide. Their relationship was terse, but when he told his father about our engagement, there seemed to be hope of a reconciliation. Those hopes were dashed, though, when we responded favorably to him offering financial assistance for our wedding. We would never ask for an amount, but in a response to an email he sent, we said that if he would like to help, it would be most useful for the wedding itself, and not the rehearsal dinner. Apparently this crossed some sort of line in the sand, and he became angry with his son once again. I still do not understand, because as I wrote, he offered the assistance.</p> <p>After that point the relationship continued to decline:</p> <p>- A trip to visit us was cancelled at the last minute. Even though he came into town.</p> <p>- Only his wife would contact us regarding the wedding - he refused to. </p> <p>- At the wedding rehearsal dinner he threw a fit (that thankfully only my friend saw) because his wife offered to split the check with my mother-in-law.</p> <p>- He did not visit his own son before our ceremony. Nor did he call, or even respond to the message my husband left him.</p> <p>- My husband's grandmother (daddy dearest's mother) left our wedding super early to visit with her great grandchild and his babysitter. Not the worst, but knowing them, she supports his behavior.</p> <p>- No invites to family events. No visits even if they were in town. We'd only find out through Facebook that they were here.</p> <p>- No calls on birthdays or holidays, unless my husband would be the one to reach out. He would. The phone calls were often awkward and painfully short. No email communication, either. </p> <p>OK, still with me?</p> <p>Fast forward to this past Christmas when we decided to announce to our families that we were expecting. My husband called and delivered the news - and it seemed to be a good thing, the response was positive, but not overly enthusiastic. Since our relationship was so one sided, we agreed that we would let them "come to us" for once. So we waited, and waited, and waited some more. Now I'm seven months along, and there have been exactly 0 inquires as to my health, the health of the baby, or even how my husband is taking his impending fatherhood. </p> <p>Clearly we're hurt. It is exhausting to run a one sided relationship, plus it is impossible to not feel like this is a rejection of our soon to be daughter. Because of this, I don't really care to invite the women from that side of the family, even though it could touch off awkwardness. But should I even care? Clearly things aren't well. </p> <p>I'm beginning to feel as if it is all a lost cause. We are very different people, which I can respect, but I suspect they do not. If we were in a standard social setting, we are clearly not individuals that would become friends. Are we wrong in letting them come to us for a change? I just want to know that they willingly want to be part of their granddaughter's life, I don't want it to be a chore and something they just "have to do." It leaves me with mixed emotions, but I just don't know what to do. A lot of my intuition suspects it is time to excise this relationship from our lives. My husband feels the same way, so it isn't just my opinion - his does have more weight in this situation. But I still feel bad. Help? </p>