https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Wed, 22 Apr 2026 10:25:16 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-drama-am-i-in-the-wrong#post-133169 Sun, 22 Apr 2012 08:18:18 +0000 heffalump 133169@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrstilly: Thank you, it really helps to hear from people who have been there! Unfortunately, their divorce was very messy. As was the marraige.</p> <p>@ecogirl: Thanks, your so sweet! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-drama-am-i-in-the-wrong#post-133055 Sat, 21 Apr 2012 21:39:28 +0000 ecogirl 133055@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>ArtBee Haha oh I am certainly no stranger to family drama! I hope everything is perfect! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-drama-am-i-in-the-wrong#post-133051 Sat, 21 Apr 2012 21:30:01 +0000 mrstilly 133051@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>As the daughter of divorced parents, my parents did everything separate that they could. So school events were obviously together, but everything else was separate. I don't think there needs to be the expectation that every event needs to include both parents, especially if the divorce was messy. If the parents can't be cordial to one another, it can be less stressful to separate things than force it. </p> <p>I think you handled things well. I wouldn't have invited her. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-drama-am-i-in-the-wrong#post-133022 Sat, 21 Apr 2012 20:19:58 +0000 heffalump 133022@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@chopsuey119: thanks!</p> <p>@regberadaisy: thanks! But her dad did want her there, just so he wouldn't have to deal with all of this drama. We told him when we asked if his lo wanted to be named too that her mom wasn't invited though. So it was his decision to go ahead with it knowing that already.</p> <p>@Andrea: its tomorrow. But my niece is going to be named too, we asked her what she wanted and she said she did.</p> <p>@LAGS: thank you! So looking forward to a beautiful, drama free day!</p> <p>@Grace: its because she needs to be in control of everything at all times. And we're not letting her control this.</p> <p>@ecogirl: I know your no stranger to family drama, thanks! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-drama-am-i-in-the-wrong#post-132965 Sat, 21 Apr 2012 17:29:50 +0000 ecogirl 132965@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I do not think you were in the wrong but I do think you were in the middle :( I hate when I get stuck in the center of a family issue. If her side is not Jewish and this is not a big event for her I don't think she needed to be there. It probably would have been better for her to know so that the daughter isn't keeping secrets from her mother though. I think that is tricky but your brother in law made the best decision he could. I hope it went really well! What a lovely tradition! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-drama-am-i-in-the-wrong#post-132953 Sat, 21 Apr 2012 17:12:56 +0000 Grace 132953@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think it's perfectly fine not to invite the mom. If she's not Jewish, then the ceremony shouldn't mean anything to her. And I think that is different from a birthday or graduation or wedding. Those are things that I assume would have some significance to her. I wonder why she cares to be at the naming ceremony? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-drama-am-i-in-the-wrong#post-132867 Sat, 21 Apr 2012 12:52:06 +0000 LAGS 132867@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@artbee: If she's waited this long and her side isn't Jewish, I think you made the right choice. It obviously wasn't something she found to be too important, so I can't see why it would be a big deal for her to miss it. I'm sure your niece would see it as a tradition of her Dad's side of the family and think no more of it.</p> <p>Generally speaking, I think in situations of divorce its fine to celebrate Birthdays and holidays separately. I would just include both sides for events or celebrations that are one and done kind of thing, like graduations, or a Baptism etc. Your situation, IMO, is obviously an exception to this because its not a tradition her side would have practiced anyways.</p> <p>Good luck at your daughter's naming. I hope its a beautiful day and drama free! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-drama-am-i-in-the-wrong#post-132856 Sat, 21 Apr 2012 12:28:25 +0000 Andrea 132856@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@artbee: i hope everything has worked out in the end. how did the ceremony go?? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-drama-am-i-in-the-wrong#post-132784 Sat, 21 Apr 2012 10:43:57 +0000 regberadaisy 132784@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@artbee: at first I was with the girls that no matter how much of a B the mother is she IS her mother and should be there. But now thinking about it you did ask her father and he did not want the mother there. So I think you're fine.</p> <p>Hope the naming ceremony goes off w/o a hitch!!! I love customs/traditions! :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-drama-am-i-in-the-wrong#post-132782 Sat, 21 Apr 2012 10:39:49 +0000 chopsuey 132782@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Hey! Hope the naming ceremony goes well! You did what you felt was best for your family and I support your decision!<br /> Have a great weekend and let us know how it goes </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-drama-am-i-in-the-wrong#post-132778 Sat, 21 Apr 2012 10:37:18 +0000 heffalump 132778@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cchoi4: Thank you so much for your response, it's really nice to hear the opinion of someone who's parents are divoriced and who sadly has been in this kind of situation. I do worry so much about how this all affects my niece, and I hate it, but I do think it would be worse for her if her mother came because there would be so much tension. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-drama-am-i-in-the-wrong#post-132775 Sat, 21 Apr 2012 10:32:41 +0000 Cchoi4 132775@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I do not think you are in the wrong for not inviting her. Her daughter is 6 years old and old enough to do things without her mommy there. I know its not an ideal situation for a LO to have her parents divorced (mine are). But that's the way life is and to always make the parents be together at ANY function, no matter how big or little, that is unreasonable too. I do think if it is a very special occasion (i.e. graduation, big birthday, some big milestone event, wedding, etc) but if it is something casual, her mother does NOT need to be there. That is the discretion of the parents of the child to decide what is appropriate and not appropriate. It is not the responsibility of others to guess what is right and wrong between exes.</p> <p>that said, I do hope this all gets resolved amicably between the parties for the sake of the LO. </p> <p>My parents have been divorced for 23 years and they have always refused to be in the same place together, save for my wedding. If your niece's parents could set up some ground rules for events so this type of drama doesn't happen in the future, that would be least painful for the child. </p> <p>Good luck. but again, i have to stress, I don't think you were in the wrong. Sometimes drama happens even when you don't mean for it to. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-drama-am-i-in-the-wrong#post-132744 Sat, 21 Apr 2012 09:54:22 +0000 heffalump 132744@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Andrea: She needs to control everything in every situation, and if she doesn't all hell breaks lose, and she takes everything out on my BIL. Even small things, like when they'd visit and everyone would want to go to one restaurant that she loved too, if it wasn't her idea she'd say no. And if they didn't go where she wanted, the rest of the night would be miserable for everyone. So she always got her way. Now that they're not together the family doesn't want to have to tip toe around her anymore, but my poor BIL doesn't have much of a choice still because he still has to deal with her because they share a daughter. Honestly I don't think there's a right or wrong for him, because she'd make it difficult no matter what. If he tells her about things, she'll freak out. If he doesn't, she freaks out. I feel so bad for him! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-drama-am-i-in-the-wrong#post-132739 Sat, 21 Apr 2012 09:44:41 +0000 Andrea 132739@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@artbee: oh boy, what a complex situation. it definitely wasn't your responsibility to tell her - it sounds like your BIL really bungled this one up from start to finish. hopefully he has learned something on how to handle his ex because i am sure this type of situation will come up again ...but it is really hard. we have divorces in our family, too, and they complicate things so much! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-drama-am-i-in-the-wrong#post-132723 Sat, 21 Apr 2012 09:33:19 +0000 heffalump 132723@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MamaMoose: Yes, in an ideal world it would be nice for them to be able to get along for their LO's sake. But it's just not always the case. Like for birthday parties- she always wants to have a big fancy party that neither of them can afford. Then she wants him to pay for it all, and guilts him into doing it because it's for their daughter, and then he goes broke. And somewhere in there she'll freak out over something and scream at him, usually in front of their LO. It's not that easy. </p> <p>@Andrea: He did not tell her about it because he knew she would freak out. I agree she should have known, but that wasn't my place to tell her. I doubt she'll have a separate naming because 1. She's not Jewish so it's not important to her mom 2. They had 6 years to name her and didn't for various different reasons. They had a date when she was a baby but it was cancelled because my MIL refused to go when she found out that they wanted to name her after someone alive. That's a huge no no in our religion, and I really don't blame my MIL for getting that upset. And 3. they can't afford it. The only reason they can afford it now is because our parents are paying for it, and his parents aren't going to pay for another one, especially since they'd never go if her mom was there. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-drama-am-i-in-the-wrong#post-132693 Sat, 21 Apr 2012 07:33:40 +0000 Andrea 132693@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>And will she have her own separate naming ceremony or is that a one time thing? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-drama-am-i-in-the-wrong#post-132691 Sat, 21 Apr 2012 07:30:14 +0000 Andrea 132691@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't think you can exclude the mom either. I had the same concern about my uncle's ex at my wedding. His new wife was going to be there and I did not want some drama because she is crazy. But my family said that we must invite her and their daughter, my cousin, would be upset if her mom wasn't there. I mean it was MY wedding and it didn't even have anything to do with my cousin but I said fine. The ex behaved and we had no issues. But in your situation, since it is HER daughter being involved in the naming, I do think she should have at least known about the event. My divorced friends do have separate events but they are open about it. Maybe the secrecy is what set her off in the first place. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-drama-am-i-in-the-wrong#post-132688 Sat, 21 Apr 2012 07:20:03 +0000 MamaMoose 132688@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@artbee: IN answer to your question no I would not expect divorced parents to have separate birthday parties for their children. I think no matter what goes on between the parents they need to be adults and put their differences aside from time to time so they can both be there to support their children at important events. Your BIL is going to have to learn to deal with his ex eventually... Your neice won't have two college graduations or two weddings. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-drama-am-i-in-the-wrong#post-132680 Sat, 21 Apr 2012 07:06:45 +0000 heffalump 132680@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@His Barista: I wish. But we're sticking to not inviting her. Its a special day for my lo and I don't want her to ruin it. My mil really dislikes her too for how she treated her son and she's having surgery for breast cancer the next day, she doesn't need even more stress. We gave my bil the option of backing out and just coming as a guest.</p> <p>@twodoghouse: thanks! </p> <p>@tequiero21: I don't know, I still don't see why I have to have her there for my lo's day. Bil knew coming into it that she wasn't invited and still wanted her named. I'm not going to tell him no to that. </p> <p>Thanks for all of the responses. We've already talked about it with bil and mil and fil and know that next time it has to be handled differently. She's still never going to be invited .... but hopefully we'll find a better way. For those of you who think we should invite her, don't divorced people do things separately? Birthday parties and holidays are done separate, so why does this have to be together? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-drama-am-i-in-the-wrong#post-132676 Sat, 21 Apr 2012 06:31:46 +0000 heffalump 132676@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrbee: she copied the email to dh and my mil. Glad she did, now we can at least call the rabbi and tell him we're sorry for getting him into this mess! Luckily he knows us well enough to know we're good people, but I'm still so embarrassed!</p> <p>@MamaMoose: we weren't forcing my niece to be named though. My bil said he wanted to do it knowing her mom wasn't invited. We're not going to tell him no, you can't name her with us.</p> <p>@LAGS: they're not Jewish,so its not their thing. Probably why its taking them so long to name her. Usually it's done when they're babies. She's 6.</p> <p>@His Barista: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-drama-am-i-in-the-wrong#post-132622 Fri, 20 Apr 2012 23:54:27 +0000 tequiero21 132622@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm with the ladies above... Wouldn't want to invite her, but prolly would have since it involved her daughter... Or maybe just not do it with the cousin? Although it sux that u have to work around her. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-drama-am-i-in-the-wrong#post-132578 Fri, 20 Apr 2012 22:13:14 +0000 twodoghouse 132578@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Oh no, I'm so sorry this is happening artbee! I know this was going to be a special weekend for your family. Without knowing much about the tradition or significance of the naming, I don't really know if it was appropriate to have this event without your niece's mom present. Still, I hope things work themselves out this weekend so your daughter (and niece's?) naming is still a wonderful event for your family! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-drama-am-i-in-the-wrong#post-132574 Fri, 20 Apr 2012 22:05:59 +0000 His Barista 132574@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I know she must not be the most gracious woman, but it's her daughter. She should be included no matter how awful she is. Is there anyway to talk it out and smooth thongs over a little? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-drama-am-i-in-the-wrong#post-132573 Fri, 20 Apr 2012 21:57:06 +0000 LAGS 132573@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Based on this woman's behavior and treatment of your BIL, I can understand why you wouldn't want to invite her. It would obviously add a lot of tension to the day, not to mention a possible 'situation', but for your niece's sake, I would have leaned towards inviting her as I assume this is something that she, as well as her side of the family would normally be involved in (correct me if I'm wrong).</p> <p>Basically, if it's a tradition that her side of the family holds dear to them or observes in any way, I would have extended an invitation for them to share in their daughter's/granddaughter's etc. naming. If it's something they otherwise hadn't given and weren't planning to give any thought or attention to... I'd say to heck with that and stick to your guns! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-drama-am-i-in-the-wrong#post-132551 Fri, 20 Apr 2012 21:31:31 +0000 MamaMoose 132551@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think if you didn't want to invite her you shouldn't have included her child in the naming. Obviously she did NOT handle the situation well and she was in the wrong as well. But I don't think it was right to exclude her in event where her child is a guest of honor. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-drama-am-i-in-the-wrong#post-132545 Fri, 20 Apr 2012 21:21:22 +0000 Sweet T 132545@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@artbee: I wouldn't have invited her either. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-drama-am-i-in-the-wrong#post-132544 Fri, 20 Apr 2012 21:18:24 +0000 mrbee 132544@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@artbee: I think she showed by her actions that she's not one to take the high road!!</p> <p>How did you find out what she said to the Rabbi? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-drama-am-i-in-the-wrong#post-132542 Fri, 20 Apr 2012 21:14:07 +0000 heffalump 132542@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Lo's naming (Jewish ceremony where they get their Hebrew name) is this weekend. Her cousin in supposed to get named with her. Sounds great right? Well it would be if my bil didn't have such awful taste in girls! His ex wife is pretty awful to him and always have been. She's hurt him so much, is emotionally abusive, and killed his self esteem. So when we invited his lo to be named with my lo, we said her mom wasn't invited. We want it to be a special day, not having to worry if she'll freak out or be mean, and they're not married anymore so we feel like she doesn't need to be at our family events anymore. </p> <p>Bil said yes and its all planned. She overheard her lo talking about it on the phone with her dad, and freaked out. She tested dh about it, and he was so upset with her that he said some mean things. He said the truth, that the consequences for treating bil like dirt is that we don't want to see her anymore. </p> <p>And then she emailed our Rabbi. Seriously, the man who has nothing to do with anything that has to do with this or her. I am so pissed off and embarrassed. She told him how upset she is with us, and disappointed and hurt. She said its because dh doesn't want her there, and how wonderful she is at being a mom. Meanwhile her lo will tell us that all she does is sleep all day and leave her to play by herself. And she asked Rabbi to pray for us. Oy!</p> <p>I don't know if my niece will be named now but I'm really hoping she is because I know shes looking forward to it and I think it will be so special for the cousins to be named together. </p> <p>And after the long vent, my question. Were we in the wrong to not invite her? </p>