https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Mon, 13 Apr 2026 10:28:33 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-drama-and-grandkids#post-2785137 Wed, 08 Nov 2017 15:03:14 +0000 periwinklebee 2785137@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@PawPrints: yeah, definitely, realizing the importance of setting boundaries and saying no in my professional life has had a huge impact, but I've got to be better at it with family... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-drama-and-grandkids#post-2785075 Wed, 08 Nov 2017 12:55:35 +0000 PawPrints 2785075@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I haven't read all the replies but my advice for dealing with dramatic self-centered people in general is to assume that the more you give, the more they are going to take. So take the different approach of firmly setting the boundary where you want it to be, and let them have their adult tantrums. You'll be better off in the future when they know your boundaries are firm and need to be respected. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-drama-and-grandkids#post-2784962 Wed, 08 Nov 2017 00:13:12 +0000 periwinklebee 2784962@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@LCTBQE: Thank you :heart: I'm used to having a fairly conciliatory relationship with my parents because they've tended to respect boundaries well enough that they didn't demand anything too unreasonable, but I think you're right that a baby changes things, permanently, and I need to find a new normal with the relationship. I'm so sorry you had to deal with your mom being difficult! </p> <p>@Mrs. Lemon-Lime: Yeah, there is going to be so much to adjust to and MIL has such strong and inflexible views about everything, that I just can't have her in my house 24 hours a day saying how things should be done when I'm trying to navigate all the changes. Now I just need to compel my husband, who will be at work all day and not have to deal with it so much, to put his foot down. </p> <p>@bubblegum: Thank you! Sorry for your drama as well :bummed: </p> <p>@Adira: That's really cool that it made you more confident, even if it was a huge hassle to deal with... </p> <p>@Mama Bird: Ugh, that's crazy...</p> <p>@avivoca: @Ajsmommy: @Alba4: @SweetiePie: Yeah, I've got to learn to be better about establishing boundaries, it's good to hear that it worked well for so many people. You all inspire me!</p> <p>@Anagram: I had not even thought about this, definitely going to ensure that my husband and I (or medical staff if necessary) are the first ones to hold the baby. </p> <p>@bhbee: "Family relationships will be complicated forever." Hah, so, so true. You're time with your husband and LO seems so special...</p> <p> @MaryM: :heart: wow, 13 people, that is crazy; I could definitely not handle that (or even close!) right after giving birth. </p> <p>@gingerbebe: It seems like you handled this really well! My parents have to arrange for leave from work in advance, otherwise I would totally try to convince them to use this solution. </p> <p>@ElbieKay: Yeah, I really don't want to get so overwhelmed by all the things that can come up with birth and a new baby, plus dealing with family, that I just completely lose it...</p> <p>@misolee: Yes, this exactly. This is in large part what's driving me crazy. My mom refuses to speak to me because I politely tried to describe a scientific fact - that babies come on their own schedules and it's common for them to come late! Just because she wants the baby to be born on his due date because she'd imagined it was going to happen that way doesn't mean that's the reality - don't shoot the messenger. I mostly just don't want to deal with this attitude in person for a full week should she come the week of my due date and the baby be a few days late, not at all inconceivable. </p> <p>@nana87: ugh, so sorry about your MIL..</p> <p>.@Mrs. D: :sad: sorry things worked out like this...</p> <p>@2littlepumpkins: Ugh, yeah, I commiserate, as my MIL is the queen of stuff like this. Literally the first time I met her, she came over to my apt (my own apt, DH wasn't yet living there), started rummaging through stuff in my kitchen cabinets w/o asking, and got upset when she found things made in China and asked if I was trying to poison DH with toxic Chinese products... but anyways, my DH is more used to setting boundaries with her. My mother has been much better to interact with but I think the whole grandchild thing is making her go a bit wacky. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-drama-and-grandkids#post-2784956 Tue, 07 Nov 2017 22:56:23 +0000 2littlepumpkins 2784956@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. D: wow I feel like the mom of the mom in this situation is more important! I'd have been so upset if Dh didn't want me to have the support of my own mom. Unfortunately it wasn't an option for me- my parents are out of town. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-drama-and-grandkids#post-2784955 Tue, 07 Nov 2017 22:54:51 +0000 2littlepumpkins 2784955@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Wow. Just wow. </p> <p>So we just didn't tell anyone we were even at the hospital until we knew we were staying and it happened to be night time and I had Dh tell MIL just come the next day, which was good because even though I was already a 7 when we got there before 10, dd wasn't born until about 530am. </p> <p>Anyway... I think you just need to set your boundaries now. I wish I'd have done that a long time ago. My mil has a habt of starting to be more involved and helpful and then letting all the boundaries go by the wayside. I mean like if I say we have something in our bedroom she will walk right in there by herself without even asking. At some point she'd go over to our house when we weren't home, either announced or not. Hopefully she can understand that you don't know how much privacy you might want (and I'd phrase that as being because you just gave birth rather than saying bonding with baby or whatever else.. more medically/physically a thing than making her feel unwanted maybe.) But if she doesn't you need boundaries. It's hard with no help so I would want to try to be nice to all.. but still begin as you want to proceed. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-drama-and-grandkids#post-2784925 Tue, 07 Nov 2017 19:50:51 +0000 looch 2784925@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Well, I had the opposite issue, I could have used someone to come and visit those first few days in the hospital...my husband and I were exhausted, there was no nursery, my mom was an 8 hour plane ride away and my inlaws stayed home because my husband thought I didn't want them there....you just never know what you're going to want or need, so allow yourself to be flexible about it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-drama-and-grandkids#post-2784912 Tue, 07 Nov 2017 17:24:45 +0000 Mrs. D 2784912@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I feel for you.</p> <p>For DD I had the opposite problem. I WANTED my mom there, but my Hunny felt strongly that since his mom couldn't get there (4-hour drive) it wouldn't be fair. I didn't have the strength to argue that we can't let his parents dictate what we do. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-drama-and-grandkids#post-2784900 Tue, 07 Nov 2017 16:49:02 +0000 SweetiePie 2784900@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Also agree with so much above and big time what @LCTBQE: said about setting boundaries now.<br /> It’s not just about protecting your postpartum experience and privacy, but it also sets the tone going forward. I was borderline bitch to my inlaws. I forbade them from going to the hospital and waiting (thank God they didn’t, I was induced on Sunday night and didn’t give birth until Tuesday night via c section) and asked them not to visit me in my room until we were about to check out (they saw DS in the nicu but didn’t come to my room till day 3). I told them not to come visit us at home until we were ready. MIL wanted to come every day but I limited her to once a week and chose the hours. </p> <p>I know she thought I was unreasonable. But guess what? 3 years in and she knows I set the rules with my family and my son. She respects all of my rules around sleep, food, etc. She defers to me if she’s unsure of a situation. She never asks anymore if she can come, she knows that Weds is her day and if she asks outside of that I’ll say no. Don’t get me wrong she’s still batshit and would LOVE if I asked her to come several times a week and she still cried when I said we weren’t going to her for thanksgiving. But my day to day life is so much easier since she knows I set the rules. She lives 1.5 hours away and if I didn’t make rules from the beginning I can guarantee she’d just pop in because she was in the city for this or that. She’s here at least once a week outside of our visit and she never asks if she can drop by but I know she would love to. </p> <p>All that being said, she’s crazy and sensitive and overbearing and obsessed but she’s not a total nightmare. We’ve never had much confrontation (like maybe twice) so I’m not sure how much that factors into it. My husband also thinks she’s annoying AF so that helps :silly: If he was really close with her I’m sure that would make it harder but he’s done a good job of trying to make both of us happy. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-drama-and-grandkids#post-2784811 Tue, 07 Nov 2017 13:21:45 +0000 nana87 2784811@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I agree with so many of the people above I'm not going to tag, lol. I think the bottom line is you need to put your own comfort first!</p> <p>We didn't have drama with my parents for either birth, but dh and I both get along so well with them that it wasn't surprising--they're respectful of our wishes and space, and follow our lead on most things. In early newborn days, they chip in for chores like cooking, dishes, taking out the trash, etc, and with lo2's birth, they ran a lot of interference with lo1.</p> <p>There are definitely way more tensions with mil now that we have kids, and it's like what you mentioned in your original post--we're more rational, and so in the past we've just gone along with her wants/"needs" for the most part rather than rock the boat. With the kids now, I am soooo not doing that. The girls come first, full stop. Also, I think there's a lot of jealousy about our relationship with my parents (she actually cried when lo1 was born about how wonderful my parents are, but then made fun of how my dad took out the trash, so who tf knows...). I used to go more out of my way to make her feel included, but now I'm in a phase where I just don't put that much effort into the relationship because I feel like she mostly just takes. We've stopped asking for favors because they always come with strings (mostly guilt trips) attached. Basically she's welcome to visit whenever (she's mostly retired and money isn't an issue) and we'll visit her about 2x a year. She never initiates facetime with lo1 or contact with me directly, so I don't really either. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-drama-and-grandkids#post-2784796 Tue, 07 Nov 2017 12:50:48 +0000 misolee 2784796@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Not sure why your mom is insisting baby will be born on the due date... does she not know most babies have their own time schedule? My first was born a week and a day after my due date. My brother had planned a trip for the weekend after thinking he would come and see new baby. He ended up helping me walk around the mall to get labor started. I ended up being induced and he came to the hospital for about an hour and then had to catch his return flight before she was born. I had a csection too so my hospital stay was longer. Baby ended up with jaundice, so we stayed an extra day. So basically, I checked in to get induced on a Sunday and left Friday night while baby stayed one more day in the hospital. My due date was Sept 23. We weren't home until like October 7th after birth.<br /> Maybe explain this to your parents?<br /> My second was three weeks early. So there's that too. Both healthy, complication free pregnancies...just babies will come when they want to. </p> <p>and yea..your MIL is crazy. moving to a new place while pregnant is high on my list. Honestly, if she doesn't want to sleep in a hotel and on your floor, then that's on her. ESP with a crying baby. She has no right to complain. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-drama-and-grandkids#post-2784788 Tue, 07 Nov 2017 12:29:41 +0000 Alba4 2784788@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We had drama too....</p> <p>After having LO1, I thought it was too much to have both my parents and my inlaws visit in the hospital both days I was in the hospital. So I told them they could visit once in the hospital for LO2. </p> <p>For LO2s birth, we asked my inlaws and LO1 to visit us in the hospital in the morning and we asked my parents to come in the afternoon. (The rooms are small and we wanted a nice mellow first meeting of brothers). My parents were complete as!$**\~?&lt; and insisted that they come in the morning since they planned to pick up my father’s new boat in the afternoon. Yea thanks. A boat was more important than our wishes. Wtf. We had a phone fight- it was sucky especially since it was literally hours after giving birth. </p> <p>So much drama... and you can never please everyone.</p> <p>Just be firm in what you need. You are the one recovering from birth. Your mil can sleep in a hotel. And your mom is acting crazy. I’m sorry! Hope it gets better. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-drama-and-grandkids#post-2784777 Tue, 07 Nov 2017 11:57:53 +0000 ElbieKay 2784777@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@periwinklebee: Please do whatever is necessary to protect your postpartum experience. And then politely but firmly enforce the boundaries you need. Giving birth and learning to take care of a newborn is physically and emotionally intense, and you will need your reserves to deal with it. I personally did not want to deal with emotionally draining and/or overbearing family members.</p> <p>We told our parents that they were not invited to the hospital until after (1) delivery (2) skin-to-skin and (3) nap for mom. My parents were respectful. My husband said my MIL was a little offended. Turns out the baby was born at 1am, and visiting hours didn't start til 9am. So, it was a moot point. I am sooooooooo glad I did not have the pressure of waiting room warriors to rush through anything.</p> <p>We also told them that we didn't want any visitors at home for two weeks after the baby was born. I wanted time to find my bearings as a mom, and to learn how to breastfeed.</p> <p>Guess what? My son is 3.5 now, and all his grandparents adore him. They got over it. I am really glad that I advocated for myself. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-drama-and-grandkids#post-2784772 Tue, 07 Nov 2017 11:49:22 +0000 gingerbebe 2784772@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Yeah, I told my mom I only wanted my husband for the birth. I didn't want anyone in the waiting room, I didn't want visitors the same day, nothing. She was appalled I didn't want her there, blah blah blah, and I told here I refused to have her sit around and stress me out while I waited to go into labor and I had no idea as a FTM when that would happen - and she ran a daily food catering business, so she couldn't just be gone for weeks on end. Her clients would fire her. </p> <p>Our compromise was that we let her know when I was admitted and flew her up that same day. We told her she could stay at our place during the birth (more comfy than the waiting room) and then DH would come get her once I was comfortable and ready. </p> <p>I had an unexpected water breakage at 38w5d, a 36 hour induction, and an emergency C-section, so it wouldn't have been feasible for her to sit there that whole time anyway. We flew her up when I started my induction. While I was in labor, she was able to clean and cook and do whatever fussing she wanted on her own and waited for my dad and brother to do the 8 hour drive up. My entire family was able to come visit the baby the day after he was born. Then baby had to go into NICU for a few days, so my dad and brother went back home and my mom stuck around until we were discharged and stayed with us afterwards for a bit. </p> <p>After that experience, my mom didn't even get on my case about DS2's birth. She flew in the night before my RCS, watched DS1 for me, and we arranged for some friends to drive my mother and son to the hospital to visit briefly later that day. And then my mom flew directly home. DS2 was born 2 weeks before Memorial Day, so my family came back altogether for that extended weekend to see the baby and it was fine.</p> <p>There are so many unknown variables with a birth and postpartum that I don't think you can really plan for anything unless you have an older child who needs care. We had my mom as the first line of care for DS1 during birth, but we also had 2 more levels of back up care on call and that was all we could really plan for.</p> <p>With your MIL, I would just reserve a hotel room and tell her you have a hotel ready for her, she's welcome to use it, but she wont be sleeping on your floor. If she doesn't want to use it, it will just go to waste (or you can just cancel the day of, whatever). I put a firm hotel rule for my in-laws when our eldest was born. We saw them between the hours of 8am and 8pm and then once 8pm hit, DH took them back to the hotel. In between that time, we just went out to eat and they went sightseeing locally while the baby and I BFed or whatever. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-drama-and-grandkids#post-2784737 Tue, 07 Nov 2017 10:08:09 +0000 MaryM 2784737@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We just haven't talked about it, that's how we're (not) dealing with it :) </p> <p>Luckily, my mom and DH get along great, and my mom is INCREDIBLY helpful. We're friends, and she's retired, so I'm up for her coming after the birth and staying for as long as she wants! </p> <p>I know MIL will be jealous of this, but really, there's nothing I can do about it. My mom and I just "get" each other. And MIL is local and my mom isn't, so it makes more sense for her stay with us. </p> <p>With my inlaws, I plan to tell DH that we will NOT notify people when we go to the hospital. DH had surgery the year after we got married and 13 (!!!) people showed up to wait in the waiting room with me. It was WAY too overwhelming, and I do not want people around for the first 24ish hours after our baby is born. I am incredibly introverted, and I need to have that time with just DH, baby, and me. I'm fine with him telling them when the baby is born, AS LONG AS he says that they can come visit the next day. I'm sure they won't all be happy with this, but they've had five years to realize that I'm not extroverted like them and I need a little more time and space before being overwhelmed with people. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-drama-and-grandkids#post-2784723 Tue, 07 Nov 2017 09:12:44 +0000 cake2017 2784723@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I feel like this will always be a touchy subject. However, what helps us(hubby and I) is that we do what is BEST FOR US. May sound selfish but it’s about your nuclear family now. Parents won’t always agree and that’s fine. </p> <p>My mom was there for the birth of my child. 1st baby on my side. Hubby and I talked about it earlier and prayed about it. a i am close to my mom and she came the last 30mins because she lives out of state. It worked out cause I had that personal and emotional time with my hubby too.</p> <p>Now with MIL- we aren’t close. And in your situation she needs to mind her own business. She has no place to say when you guys should move or anything. She can stay somewhere else. Express it now! I’d set boundaries now before baby comes. Speak with your DH about this cause parents, friends etc can get nutty. We weren’t having it and it worked out well when it was communicated to everyone. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-drama-and-grandkids#post-2784722 Tue, 07 Nov 2017 09:07:31 +0000 bhbee 2784722@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I’m sorry it’s so complicated. I didn’t have quite that level of intensity but there were definitely tensions and it’s a great time to stand up for yourself because there are sooo many things after baby where you will need to do the same thing (holidays, birthdays, trips, etc). I think decide what you want and offer that as the option or they can choose not to participate. </p> <p>I’m close to my mom but I realized I didn’t want her in the room for my birth. It’s just sooooo personal and I didn’t need any advice from someone outside my husband and doula where we were all on completely the same page. My husband was able to take 2 weeks off for our first so we asked no one to come until the end of that - my mom came first, when he went back to work, and his parents came a little after she left. They both lived a flight away which helped. And it was the BEST decision ever. Even with night wake ups and learning to breastfeed and all that we just had a dreamy time as a new family. It was so special to work together just the three of us to figure it out. I know not everyone gets that luxury, but protect what you really want. You only get to become a new parent once! Family relationships will be complicated forever :silly: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-drama-and-grandkids#post-2784721 Tue, 07 Nov 2017 09:04:49 +0000 Anagram 2784721@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@periwinklebee: I had very little/almost no drama, but that's because my mom and in-laws don't act like yours do. Well, all of them always expect to stay in our small house, but it doesn't bother my husband and I much, so that's what we do.</p> <p>My mom was in town for both kids being born because I wanted her to be, BUT especially the second time around, I really put my foot down about when she could come into the room at the hospital. Even my normally-sane mother tried to hold the baby BEFORE my husband when I had LO1, and I had to quickly tell her absolutely not, my husband was going first (this was after an hour or so of skin-to-skin with me.)</p> <p>So when I had DD2, I didn't even let her into the room until both me and DH had had our "fill", haha. </p> <p>So I agree with PPs that it's good practice for you to learn how to direct your experience. It is something that will come up over and over. My oldest is now 4.5 and I just had a polite, no drama conversation with my family telling them we will come down to celebrate Christmas with them on the 26th, after we have our Christmas on the 25th. People will always be suggesting what you SHOULD do (in their opinion), but you get to call your own shots. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-drama-and-grandkids#post-2784720 Tue, 07 Nov 2017 09:01:52 +0000 Ajsmommy 2784720@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I had the same issue (sort of) with my mom. She wanted to be there when DD was born but she lives 4 hours away. I was induced unplanned. </p> <p>I didn't want her in the room and I told her to wait until the next morning to come. She was NOT happy.. However, I ended up taking over 48 hours to deliver so she ended up being there (in the waiting room). </p> <p>I don't know why grandparents think the birth of their grand children is about them bc its not. It's about you and your DH and your baby. Since having kids I've found a lot of times I've had to put my foot down to prioritize my family over my mom/other family. It is hard and feelings get hurt sometimes but my immediate family (DH, DD, DS) is my priority.</p> <p>As for your MIL, she's just stubborn and ridiculous. It's none of her business when you buy a house. And she should stay somewhere close by and convenient and not barge into your space. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-drama-and-grandkids#post-2784718 Tue, 07 Nov 2017 08:51:44 +0000 avivoca 2784718@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My mother did want to be there for the birth of my first, but I told her no and ended up not calling until we went to the hospital and had the baby. With my second, she knew I was in labor but she was watching my oldest, so she couldn't be at the hospital anyway. It worked out and she got over it, but you and your partner are the only ones who have a say in who is at your birth, and it's perfectly okay if you don't want her there. Use the nurses. They can keep people out. And don't tell your mom you are in labor. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-drama-and-grandkids#post-2784717 Tue, 07 Nov 2017 08:35:42 +0000 Mama Bird 2784717@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Sure, things always get complicated with a baby! Like, when DS was an infant my mom was upset that I don't let my dad and brother (both unemployed) pop in for visits every day. I was living in a tiny apartment, and was NOT comfortable nursing in front of them. Every time they "popped in" I would have to spend half an hour huddling with DS in the bathroom while he ate, then feed and entertain them, and do the dishes. Fun.</p> <p>And then there was my MIL constantly telling me what to do and when to feed him and when to put him to bed. Luckily I don't have the complicated relationship with her that I have with my family, so we could just argue about it without destroying our relationship overall. And now that she's seen me stick to my guns on important stuff, she trusts my judgement and doesn't try to push me around 99% of the time. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-drama-and-grandkids#post-2784704 Tue, 07 Nov 2017 07:37:24 +0000 Adira 2784704@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@LCTBQE: Agree 100% with everything you said regarding the mom! </p> <p>It sucks when parents do this to us, but it IS good practice sticking up for your child AND yourself. I've had similar issues with SMIL. I used to get along with her really well, but then when I got pregnant with my first, suddenly she had an opinion about EVERYTHING I did and was constantly judging me and trying to guilt me into doing what SHE wanted and not what was best for my kid or our family. I finally grew a backbone and stood up to her which made it worse worse worse, but I feel much more confident about my own parenting now! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-drama-and-grandkids#post-2784702 Tue, 07 Nov 2017 07:23:09 +0000 bubblegum 2784702@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I’ve been there MIL when DS was born, her first grandchild and feelings never got better but then again she’s nuts!! </p> <p>The one thing I can say is pick and choose your battles. I think the best thing is to suggest something else you’re much more comfortable with in hope that they bite! Good luck mama! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-drama-and-grandkids#post-2784700 Tue, 07 Nov 2017 06:43:24 +0000 Mrs. Lemon-Lime 2784700@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We had some drama and thankfully DH shielded me from the MIL stuff, but I had to deal with my own mom.</p> <p>Regarding your mom visiting you to be apart of your delivery, take her silent treatment as a blessing. You’re not going to convince your mom and dad that you’re right on this. Let them stew and you concentrate on the final weeks of pregnancy. Sounds like you did not clearly tell her who was going to be in the delivery room with you. Early and mid-pregnancy my mom voiced she wanted to be there, but since DH doesn’t really like her, and she was a little too vocal about choices I was making with the delivery I told her my birthing partners would be DH and my doula.</p> <p>As for your MIL, I think it’s rather silly she expects you all to buy a larger house to accommodate her although needing a place for guests is usually on homebuyers wish list. I haven’t had this issue as MIL has happily accepted any accommodation we have paid for her when we don’t have room for her at our house. I will say that when you have a baby those first few weeks you are in learning mode and having someone on top of you that you are not 1000% comfortable would be hard. There’s no way I would have wanted any non-chill/ non-favorite houseguest when I was whipping my boob maneuvering pillows trying to get the hang of breastfeeding. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-drama-and-grandkids#post-2784689 Tue, 07 Nov 2017 00:12:11 +0000 LCTBQE 2784689@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>one other thing: it doesn't always get better. if you continue to stick up for yourself, it gets easier to stick up for yourself, and that alone is truly worth the price of the ticket. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-drama-and-grandkids#post-2784687 Tue, 07 Nov 2017 00:00:22 +0000 LCTBQE 2784687@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>WHEEEEEEE<br /> 1. Your mom:<br /> Whether or not she's there for YOUR birth (notice the phrasing is not "THE birth of HER grandchild) is your call. Also, whether or not she's there for the last precious week of freedom you have to do self-indulgent, important-to-you things, is your call. If you don't want her there for either of those things, or if you anticipate any other reason why you would rather have her come when the baby is a week or two old, or later (really)--it's up to you to lay it down and say so. And, I hope I don't sound sanctimonious here, but it's good practice for being the parent in charge instead of getting pushed around and guilted by her/anyone else for the next 15 years while your kids are growing up. It's no longer about her, it's about the baby. And damn, while you're giving birth, it's about YOU. Since you want stories, my mother informed me she wanted to come for the birth, and I said no (nicely). My birth plan was me, my doctor, my husband, in the hospital with modern medicine, and no visitors, and it worked out beautifully and was a really good experience. My mom's reaction to this was to sulk and then not come until the baby was 5 weeks old. She was putting it off to "punish" me and wasn't going to come until he was 8 or 9 weeks old. Anyway, she got over it and it was fine, and guess what, she likes the baby. I still remember the LC I visited being totally incredulous that my mom was so close by and didn't have any plans to come. It did sting a little, but I basically thought she was cutting off her nose to spite her face and was too busy to give much of a shit by then. Anyway, her not speaking to you sounds familiar :) </p> <p>2. Mother in law:<br /> We've talked about this before, but she's insane to think she has any say whatsoever in how you live. Re her staying with you, I threw it down with my own mom and we get her a nearby airbnb when she comes. I thought it would only be an issue with her the first time, but she's stubborn and basically insists on fighting about it every time she comes. I don't know what to say other than it sucks, but not as much as climbing over someone sleeping on the floor in front of your fridge when you're trying to breast feed a cluster-feeding infant at 3am. Stick to your guns. I'm also a big believer in having husbands deal with in-law crap and you dealing with your family's crap (although if she confronts you directly definitely be able to tow the party line :wink: ) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-drama-and-grandkids#post-2784682 Mon, 06 Nov 2017 23:10:32 +0000 periwinklebee 2784682@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Did the birth of your LO cause family drama? Did it eventually get better? I want to hear your stories, just looking to have someone to vent with. I feel like I'm the calm, rational one and the arrival of our LO (first grandchild on both sides) is bringing up all the insecurities and frustrations that my mom and MIL have with us. </p> <p>My mom has less than a week of vacation leave and has decided she must be there for the birth of her grandchild and she must hold the baby during her visit. When I very politely pointed out that she should come when she wants but babies often arrive late and she would be more guaranteed to hold the baby if she came a couple of weeks after the due date, she told me that she couldn't believe I didn't want her to be there for the birth of my baby and has refused to talk to me since. My dad says that I arrived on my due date, my brother arrived on his due date, and therefore babies arrive on their due dates. I am just picturing her being here when I'm 40 weeks pregnant upset the entire time that she cannot hold her grandchild when I don't have the energy to deal with it. I know in reality she's just frustrated that she doesn't live closer to us, which is understandable, but ugh...</p> <p>My MIL meanwhile is annoyed that we have not bought a larger house - she has very strong views that she should stay with us when she visits. Um, sorry, my husband is making a major career move in a month - when I'll be 8+ months pregnant - I'm in the middle of a promotion review at work that's not at all guaranteed, and we have to prepare for the baby. Moving house has to wait. MIL slept on our floor when she came a month ago, at her absolute insistence, and has now told my husband she'll sleep on the floor again when the baby comes (but there's now a crib and glider where she was sleeping on the floor). It is not a financial issue on her end, and we'd gladly pay for her to stay somewhere comfortable nearby. Putting my foot down on this one... </p>