https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Sat, 17 Oct 2026 21:11:03 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-inviting-themselves-over-for-dinner#post-2213745 Fri, 19 Jun 2015 15:03:17 +0000 blackbird 2213745@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>1) how rude<br /> 2) "tonight isn't good"<br /> 3) "sure you can come over. Will you bring X?" Where X=salad, beer, whatever </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-inviting-themselves-over-for-dinner#post-2213737 Fri, 19 Jun 2015 14:58:25 +0000 cat620 2213737@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@regberadaisy: Sorry to hear you're going through something similar! It is a burden, and I think what I don't like about it is how unequal the whole situation is. I feel like we're always having them over, spending money on them, going out of our way to be accommodating, and the favor doesn't get returned.</p> <p>@IcebergMom: No, I'm left doing all the cleanup as well! I do feel like they are unappreciative. Or if this is how they expect daughter in laws to behave, it seems really unfair. I don't think I should always be catering to them and hosting them whenever they want. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-inviting-themselves-over-for-dinner#post-2213581 Fri, 19 Jun 2015 12:41:03 +0000 IcebergMom 2213581@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Oh this makes me cranky. Your inlaws sound so unappreciative! Please tell me they do dishes. Haven't read all comments but you should definitely reply with a few of these...</p> <p>can you grab a few pizzas on the way?<br /> Let's meet at a restaurant tonight<br /> Orrrrr<br /> Sorry! Not a good night. Let's get together next week! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-inviting-themselves-over-for-dinner#post-2213547 Fri, 19 Jun 2015 12:03:15 +0000 MamaG 2213547@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>And fwiw, I'd love to have a dinner date with my mom weekly. I'm not sure how'd I'd feel about my in laws ;) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-inviting-themselves-over-for-dinner#post-2213546 Fri, 19 Jun 2015 12:02:26 +0000 MamaG 2213546@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We don't have any family nearby to face this issue. But I do know my mom used to have a standing date with my sister and her son every Wednesday while my BIL went bowling. They always came to my Mom's house and they did a variety of things, with my Mom often bearing most of the expense.</p> <p>I think a planned repetitive date works well. Keep the meals simple and manageable. If they aren't pleased with what you serve, that might motivate them to host at their home or contribute more.</p> <p>I know take-out can get costly, but heck if it's really about the time spent together they should be okay with pizza or subway. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-inviting-themselves-over-for-dinner#post-2213518 Fri, 19 Jun 2015 11:40:20 +0000 Keybee 2213518@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I really like the first two responses. It sounds like you've got to start drawing boundaries or they will walk all over you. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-inviting-themselves-over-for-dinner#post-2213500 Fri, 19 Jun 2015 11:22:44 +0000 looch 2213500@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I feel like scheduling is the way to go, once a week, same night. This way you can plan ahead. No one is saying it's got to be Beef Wellington-level meals every time, you can do a lot of simple things and it would really up your karma points, I think. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-inviting-themselves-over-for-dinner#post-2213327 Fri, 19 Jun 2015 09:40:03 +0000 regberadaisy 2213327@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Rainbow Sprinkles: both extremes suck but there definitely a huge difference between ILs randomly stopping over here and there and always expecting you to host and provide dinner! Can you imagine with how crazy your life is to be expected to provide a full home cooked meal every weekend for your ILs?!? While pregnant? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-inviting-themselves-over-for-dinner#post-2213320 Fri, 19 Jun 2015 09:37:37 +0000 regberadaisy 2213320@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@aprild: you have no idea how much I commiserate with you!! We literally host my ILs and BIL and his GF every single weekend. No one hardly ever offers to host and I was raised to not invite myself over to someone else's house! It's tiring to be honest. I understand they think it's helpful that we don't have to pack up the girls, which it is. But hosting all the time is tiring and expensive. We literally buy 90% of the groceries and do 90% of the prep and 80% of the cleanup. My ILs typically show up like 30m before dinner and are gone within 20m after dinner. I'm literally home with the girls all the time and tell them they can come over whenever to spend more time with them. But they do not. If we don't offer to host then one or the other will text DH to ask him what's going on for this weekend? What can we bring? They automatically assume we're hosting! DH can not say no. :( but I so understand it's much easier to tell someone else to say no than to say no yourself.<br /> Even when I was pregnant and home with a toddler it was the same. No one ever thought to bring us a meal. Rather they came over and expected there to be a meal cooked. Even on days where DH had to work right up till dinner time. At least DH will just say we'll grab takeout but again the only person working has to stop on the way home to grab dinner. No one offers to go grab it and bring it over.<br /> There are lots of other factors in play but after Father's Day we're going to take a break from hosting. We're just tired of it all. If people ask we're going to say we're busy with house projects - which we are. It's incredibly frustrating to host and people don't offer to even help clean up most of the time. They only contribute when they want to.<br /> Some of it does fall on DH because they usually communicate with him so he needs to speak up when they talk to him. He has definitely gotten better over the years though. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-inviting-themselves-over-for-dinner#post-2212523 Thu, 18 Jun 2015 15:58:50 +0000 shellio 2212523@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>There are some great suggestions here! I agree that it is so hard to say no, but once you try it a few times, you'll get better and better at it, I promise. I had a hard time turning down ANY social invitations, and it drove my DH crazy. I started telling people the truth at some point, usually something easy like "I'm just too worn out from the (pregnancy, baby, toddler, etc)", "I have had a long week at work and just need to take it easy", "The baby is sick". You know what, people were not upset. I love the suggestions here and will use those myself when family invites themselves over!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-inviting-themselves-over-for-dinner#post-2212513 Thu, 18 Jun 2015 15:50:33 +0000 MrsH 2212513@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'd just tell them exactly what you want them to bring for dinner so it doesn't put so much extra burden on you. </p> <p>Oh you guys want to come for dinner? Great, well you can bring X and Y to go with what I'm making. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-inviting-themselves-over-for-dinner#post-2212487 Thu, 18 Jun 2015 15:31:19 +0000 My Only Sunshine 2212487@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@aprild: It does sound like a scheduled thing would take the pressure off. Could you do every other week and switch houses? Then you're only responsible for the food once a month! You could still see each other in between, but I find having a set thing on the calendar reduces my MIL's anxiety about seeing her grandbabies. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-inviting-themselves-over-for-dinner#post-2212448 Thu, 18 Jun 2015 14:47:56 +0000 catomd00 2212448@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would just feed the toddler and wait until they leave to have my own dinner. Or, just say sure would you mind picking up food for us on the way?! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-inviting-themselves-over-for-dinner#post-2212442 Thu, 18 Jun 2015 14:38:43 +0000 Rainbow Sprinkles 2212442@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would just say no when you don't feel like hosting them. Simple as that.</p> <p>Or, have you ever asked them to contribute? Maybe "Sure, I'd love to have you guys over, but things are crazy this evening. Would you want to grab some takeout on your way over? That would be so helpful!" Or, "I'll make a quick batch of spaghetti, can you bring garlic bread and salad?" They're family, and it sounds like they love spending time with you. I bet they wouldn't mind contributing. They probably don't even know that what they're doing is bothering you. </p> <p>Serve on paper plates so there's no cleanup afterwards. Take advantage of them being there and ask them to change LO into his jammies or change his diaper. I don't know....my in laws are 2 blocks away and NEVER come visit. I WISH they'd just show up sometimes instead of always having to pack up and go over there. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-inviting-themselves-over-for-dinner#post-2212408 Thu, 18 Jun 2015 14:14:01 +0000 deerylou 2212408@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>You and your husband have to set your own boundaries. Be kind but unapologetic. It's not unreasonable to expect some give and take. I've played nice with in-laws who are either totally MIA from our day-to-day or assuming we will lavishly treat on our time and dollar, on the rare occasion they want to spend time, together. Got to the point where it wasn't really worth the exhaustion and hurt feelings. We finally had to explain what is and is not feasible, logistically and financially, and ask that they put forth some effort, too. </p> <p>Something simple like, "We love having the opportunity to see you guys so often, but weeknights are tough for us, and will only get more challenging when the baby comes. Why don't we try to get together for Sunday night dinner, twice a month? It'd be really awesome and helpful if we could switch who hosts. I'm sure the kids would love the change of scenery!" </p> <p>Maybe they don't even know that they're causing you stress, and just need a gentle nudge to be more helpful. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-inviting-themselves-over-for-dinner#post-2212406 Thu, 18 Jun 2015 14:09:43 +0000 tofuwad 2212406@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>One other thing I can imagine saying is, "tonight's not great, how about Saturday? I was planning on picking up a pizza, why don't you bring a salad over?" Or whatever you'd be more comfortable with in terms of food and time. I really sympathize with your situation because I have really different ideas about social situations than my in-laws and my husband is very sweet and understanding but can be oblivious in the moment when I feel awkward. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-inviting-themselves-over-for-dinner#post-2212391 Thu, 18 Jun 2015 14:02:32 +0000 DillonLion 2212391@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>For the family members that require lots of work on our end, I have no issues saying no. I also try to proactively make plans out in the future so I'm not as blindsided by their request and have an easy out if they do try "Oh no, today is no good for us, but looking forward to seeing you for X that we already have planned"</p> <p>As long as I feel like I'm in some kind of control of the situation, it really helps with the anxiety/resentment. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-inviting-themselves-over-for-dinner#post-2212387 Thu, 18 Jun 2015 14:00:30 +0000 edelweiss 2212387@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>f no. next time they ask, you or your husband should tell them that they can bring pizza or some other takeout. i cannot believe they expect or even take you up on your offer to feed them dinner at a moment's notice.</p> <p>and no to the july 4th cookout. just no. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-inviting-themselves-over-for-dinner#post-2212383 Thu, 18 Jun 2015 13:57:38 +0000 cat620 2212383@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Anagram: That's how I always imagined it would be. My friends say their parents/in-laws treat them to dinner or invite them over for food all the time, or if they come to their house, they help out in some way. I feel like my in-laws expect it to be the other way around. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-inviting-themselves-over-for-dinner#post-2212376 Thu, 18 Jun 2015 13:55:08 +0000 cat620 2212376@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Microscope: My husband can't cook at all, and he will sometimes help clean, but I think he gets wrapped up in conversation with his parents and becomes oblivious to whatever I'm doing. I'll point it out later, and he'll apologize for not helping more. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-inviting-themselves-over-for-dinner#post-2212311 Thu, 18 Jun 2015 13:18:20 +0000 Anagram 2212311@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@aprild: That is totally nuts--with the 52 weeks of dinners, just no.</p> <p>I guess I'm spoiled, but when my mom or my in-laws come to visit us (they both live far away), it's like a break for me because they do SO MUCH around the house.</p> <p> My MIL will cook every single meal, and my mom will help with whatever I decide to make (instead of taking the reigns) but will also randomly clean and organize stuff, which I actually appreciate! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-inviting-themselves-over-for-dinner#post-2212296 Thu, 18 Jun 2015 13:09:42 +0000 Mamaof2 2212296@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@aprild: :bummed: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-inviting-themselves-over-for-dinner#post-2212290 Thu, 18 Jun 2015 13:04:13 +0000 Mrs. Microscope 2212290@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Your husband needs to step up... They are his parents! And he should be helping you more too... Maybe he is but the way you said it sounds like he just sits with his parents while you cook and clean. Bad situation either way! You need help! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-inviting-themselves-over-for-dinner#post-2212286 Thu, 18 Jun 2015 13:01:52 +0000 cat620 2212286@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mamaof2: My father in law actually suggested that once. He said something about how he feels he doesn't see us as often as he would like, and he thinks a weekly dinner would be fun. But then he said I could have them over at my house every week, which turned me off to the idea. Even having to cook for them once a week is too much for me. Maybe I would be up for it if we could rotate who does the cooking, but I don't want to cook 52 dinners a year for them. Plus, I'm having a baby soon, so I won't feel up to hosting for a while after that. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-inviting-themselves-over-for-dinner#post-2212277 Thu, 18 Jun 2015 12:56:11 +0000 Mamaof2 2212277@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@aprild: how would you feel about setting up a weekly standing dinner with them. Say every Sunday or every Wednesday. That way they can come over but since its planned it wont be as stressful. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-inviting-themselves-over-for-dinner#post-2212276 Thu, 18 Jun 2015 12:56:05 +0000 LuLu Mom 2212276@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Another response for the weekday dinners if they call day of would be "we hadn't thought about dinner yet, if you would like to come why don't you stop and pick up a couple pizzas." or "dinner is already in the crockpot but you are welcome to come afterwards." or even "we were planning on grilling hamburgers, why don't you pick up a couple on yoru way over to throw on the grill." at least hten you aren't having to provide the meat! </p> <p>As for the Fourth I would say OH HELL NO! I'm 35 weeks pregnant and not up for a bunch of guests, but let me know what I can bring if someone else decides to host! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-inviting-themselves-over-for-dinner#post-2212273 Thu, 18 Jun 2015 12:53:47 +0000 Adira 2212273@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@aprild: I know what you mean. My family has always done things one way, so it took me a while to get used to my in-laws way of doing things. My parents almost never invite themselves over and when they do, they offer to bring food (or make it) and they always ask well in advance (like over a week). My in-laws are more last-minute people like yours. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-inviting-themselves-over-for-dinner#post-2212271 Thu, 18 Jun 2015 12:50:31 +0000 cat620 2212271@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Thanks for the responses! I know I need to stand up and say no more often. It's just hard for me, because I feel like part of being a good daughter in law is saying yes and hosting them, but in the end, it makes me feel resentful. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-inviting-themselves-over-for-dinner#post-2212267 Thu, 18 Jun 2015 12:49:23 +0000 cat620 2212267@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Grace: By the time we finish eating and get everything cleaned up, it's closer to 7. Whenever my in-laws come over, they want to stay and chat forever, so it would be impossible to get them to leave by my son's bedtime. Neither DH nor I like having guests over on weekdays, because we are both tired in the evenings and just want to relax. </p> <p>@kiddosc: That's true that they may not know it's an issue. I always feel compelled to be polite and say yes to them, but I realize that I'm being taken advantage of. If they aren't going to be considerate of me and what I have going on, I'll need to say no more often and not feel bad about it. </p> <p>@youboots: DH is annoyed too. I feel like I'm doing all the work when they come over. They don't even offer to clear the table or help out in any way when they are here. I have to do everything while they just sit and relax. </p> <p>@Adira: Those are good suggestions. I think it's hard for me, because I feel like they should offer to do those things. I was raised to be polite and not be burdensome to anyone, so it's always surprising to me how they will invite themselves over and not offer to bring anything or help out at all. I need to start being more firm about what I will and will not do. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-inviting-themselves-over-for-dinner#post-2212246 Thu, 18 Jun 2015 12:36:34 +0000 psw27 2212246@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@wonderstruck: Exactly! My father in law can't be like "well...." it kind of just shuts down the conversation. Usually I offer an alternative of "how about we do xyz later on..." and that works. :happy: </p>