https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Fri, 15 May 2026 06:38:44 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/fathers-and-birth#post-63035 Mon, 30 Jan 2012 17:28:38 +0000 plantains 63035@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@cyneswith: This sounds like it is about so much more than disagreeing about where you give birth. I'm inclined to agree with @mrbee, have you considered counselling?</p> <p>As for birthing centre vs hospital, given that hospitals are the norm and birthing centres are out of the ordinary, I don't think it is odd for him to express preference for a hospital by default. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/fathers-and-birth#post-63017 Mon, 30 Jan 2012 17:13:45 +0000 cyneswith 63017@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I wanted to try to work it out with him before I brought up that option. And I want to bring up the job hunt thing without going into the pregnancy bit. I'm not pregnant yet, so I'm "just getting ahead of myself". He either hasn't picked up on or is deliberately ignoring the whole part where I'm pissed off about his lack of effort in job-hunting. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/fathers-and-birth#post-63004 Mon, 30 Jan 2012 17:01:11 +0000 heffalump 63004@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@cyneswith: I agree with MrBee, I feel like couple counseling could be helpful. I feel like the issues you are bringing up here are important to discuss with your husband. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/fathers-and-birth#post-62998 Mon, 30 Jan 2012 16:52:00 +0000 mrbee 62998@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@cyneswith: It sounds like there's a lot of stuff to hash out! Have you guys considered couples counseling? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/fathers-and-birth#post-62996 Mon, 30 Jan 2012 16:49:37 +0000 cyneswith 62996@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I specified at the time that it was IF the pregnancy was low-moderate risk. Only two hospitals in the area will accept my insurance - one is the VA hospital, and the other was my lone civilian referral.</p> <p>The reason this comes up AND the reason I don't want to ask him: He plans to set up a deployment to leave ASAP after I find out I'm pregnant, sign on a house before he leaves (within the first trimester), and come back from Afghanistan just before the due date. This has me pissed off - it does not allow time for the whole "get to know the midwife" thing, and most of all - he's a civilian, and refuses to apply for a job that deploys less. I've already accepted that his job is more important to him than I am or any kids we might have. Why does he think it's 100% OK to be gone for 6 1/2 months of pregnancy (even a good idea), and only care about how it goes the last few hours? With him, I can't separate the "deploy for the whole pregnancy - great idea!" and the "how dare you decide where to give birth" issues. I can't bring up one without bringing up the other.</p> <p>I was looking for a guy to legitimize the "How dare you!" issue with something more articulate than "it's my baby too!" or "it was good enough for my mom, it's good enough for you!" </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/fathers-and-birth#post-62901 Mon, 30 Jan 2012 15:23:32 +0000 lemondrop 62901@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Looch has a good point, things can change at any time before the baby comes out, it would be a good idea to research the hospital options too just in case. </p> <p>The more prepared you are for your plan A and plan B, (hopefully it will go as you guys plan) but finding the hospital you are most comfortable with may relieve some anxiety if it does not go as planned, as you have not had good experiences in the past. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/fathers-and-birth#post-62837 Mon, 30 Jan 2012 14:32:30 +0000 looch 62837@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think a lot also depends on the kind of pregnancy you have...if you have a pregnancy with lots of complications, will you be as comfortable with a home birth? What if you are pregnant with twins and the midwife or whoever doesn't have the equipment to handle two babies? </p> <p>I think a lot can change during the pregnancy, it's good to be informed, but it doesn't make too much sense to have to decide where the birth occurs and set it in stone. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/fathers-and-birth#post-62834 Mon, 30 Jan 2012 14:27:43 +0000 heffalump 62834@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@cyneswith: Why don't you ask him? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/fathers-and-birth#post-62832 Mon, 30 Jan 2012 14:24:22 +0000 cyneswith 62832@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@artbee: He can have an opinion, but I should be able to have one too. I did not say "I am having the baby at a birthing center. End of discussion." He said "You are having the baby at a hospital, and that's final." AFTER we'd discussed that I would be beyond stressed if I thought I was going to be admitted to a hospital and that nine months of panic is not good for a fetus. After it was established that I was as strongly for a homebirth as he was for a hospital birth. After we'd agreed to find a compromise between homebirth and hospital. </p> <p>He normally likes to talk people around to his point of view. He's not a shoot first, ask questions later type of person.</p> <p>A few weeks later, he looked up the statistics on his own, and agreed that a homebirth was an acceptable option, and birth center was the best, so long as a hospital was nearby in case of complications.</p> <p>I want to understand WHY he'd get ANGRY at me for suggesting a birth center! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/fathers-and-birth#post-62767 Mon, 30 Jan 2012 13:51:02 +0000 heffalump 62767@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I still think he's allowed to have an opinion about this. I don't think I have to research a birthing center to know that I'd feel safer in a hospital. I've watched all of those documentaries about home births and birthing centers, and nothing is ever going to talk me out of a hospital. If something goes wrong, I want to be in a hospital and I don't want to have to wait any amount of time to get there. </p> <p>Your husband is a part of your birth. He put the baby in you. I feel like he should be allowed to have an opinion about how the baby comes out too. I feel like he was only thinking of the safety of you and your baby. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/fathers-and-birth#post-62756 Mon, 30 Jan 2012 13:38:16 +0000 lemondrop 62756@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My husband was adamant that our first be born in a hospital. I can definitely see where he is coming from, being afraid to lose one or both of us. In the end I was very happy that we did a hospital birth because we were expecting a very big baby and weren't sure if I was big enough to get him out. </p> <p>Everything turned out fine, and I really am very happy with my experience in the hospital. We originally agreed that later births could be at a birth center if there were no complications, but I am so happy with the experience that I will definitely have more at this hospital if we still live here. </p> <p>I haven't been through the horrible experience that you have, but I grew up in a family that is very anti-medical establishment. My parents were very vocal about how I should have my labor and delivery. My husband and I decided that we would listen to the opinions of others, but the final decision is between us and only us. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/fathers-and-birth#post-62753 Mon, 30 Jan 2012 13:36:17 +0000 cyndistar3 62753@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>A lot of people these days think it is stupid to have a baby out side of a hospital but theres really no reason to believe it. So, I undersnand that he would be worried but he is like so many others that think anything out of hospital is dangerous. I loved the business of being born as it shined some light on the fact that birth centers and homebirths really aren't as bad as people think. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/fathers-and-birth#post-62658 Mon, 30 Jan 2012 12:33:48 +0000 cyneswith 62658@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>He hadn't done ANY research though, and knew I had. We'd already talked about why a hospital birth was a bad option for the baby (and a terrible one for me - I am terrified of being admitted to a hospital again.) He'd already said he wasn't comfortable with a homebirth. I said I'd try to find a work around. I did - a facility specifically for birth, with medical professionals and all the equipment found in a normal hospital, but one that works WITH the mothers. </p> <p>He got MAD that I said I'd like to go through a birthing center provided I wasn't high risk. We weren't even TTC at the time. He said I just had to "get over" my fear of hospitals and deal with it. That I had no place making this sort of decision. This is a normally level-headed, patient, and understanding man. I would've expected a "let me do some research - I've never heard of a birth center, and I want to know what we're talking about" or "I don't want to talk about this yet." Not "horrible, disrespectful wife, childbirth is a man's business!"</p> <p>The caring whether or not his doctor was competent is a given - but I trust him to do his research. I trust that he will choose the best option. I know he's not gonna go to some back-alley doctor with rusty tools. And he knows I'm far more particular about my doctors than he is. He doesn't care whether I go to the women's health clinic or the VA hospital for my biannual exams, or whether I go to Lenscrafters or a stand-alone optometrist for my vision care (and encourages me to go to the ones NOT at the hospital, because they have better care.) I did all the health insurance research (at his behest.)</p> <p>We've since come to an agreement, but I want to know where he was coming from in the first place. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/fathers-and-birth#post-62484 Mon, 30 Jan 2012 03:31:00 +0000 looch 62484@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My husband didn't really care where I gave birth, I had two choices and he let me decide. We both agreed that a home birth wasn't an option, so I chose between a hospital and a birth center.</p> <p>His main concern was that I was comfortable and had access to the best medical care possible in case something were to happen. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/fathers-and-birth#post-62444 Sun, 29 Jan 2012 23:08:38 +0000 cyndistar3 62444@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>In addition to the other statements there is also a huge difference between prostate exams an the birth of your child... Of course he is going to care. I would personally be upset if my husband di dc n't care about where I gave birth. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/fathers-and-birth#post-62442 Sun, 29 Jan 2012 23:07:12 +0000 mrsjazz 62442@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@cyneswith: It's his child, too. And he wants you and the baby to both be safe. Some people, some men, don't do as much research about childbirth options, so if the hospital was good enough for his mom and the majority of women in this country, then it's got to be good for his wife and child.</p> <p>I had the opposite with DH--he wanted a home birth and I wasn't comfortable with it. Then a birth center and I wanted to make sure to research the birth center and the transfer hospital before I made the final decision. But we both agreed that the final decision was mine because I'm the one pushing a child out of my hooha, not him. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/fathers-and-birth#post-62432 Sun, 29 Jan 2012 22:55:20 +0000 MsMini 62432@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I am assuming you are more writing out of anger than anything, because I care incredibly about where and how and by whom my loved ones receive medical care, and the idea that you wouldn't care about ensuring that your husband receives the best care possible is a little saddening. </p> <p>Your husband cares about the well being of your and your baby, and therefore of course has an opinion about how/where/with whom you deliver your baby. Just because it differs from your opinion doesn't mean he is wrong and/or is unentitled to an opinion. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/fathers-and-birth#post-62431 Sun, 29 Jan 2012 22:49:31 +0000 mrbee 62431@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@cyneswith: your comments about why does he care... I would be devastated if I heard something like that. very distancing thing to hear as a man. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/fathers-and-birth#post-62414 Sun, 29 Jan 2012 21:54:10 +0000 runsyellowlites 62414@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think that ignorance just creates that kind of outlook. His basis is purely off of what his mom did and not any firsthand knowledge or experience.</p> <p>I would just get him as much information as you can on what you've chosen so that he can have a change of heart.</p> <p>Thankfully, my DH was supportive of me wanting a homebirth from the very beginning.... along with most of my family. I've gotten a few lectures for others but otherwise it's been pretty easy.</p> <p>Hope he comes around sooner rather than later. =) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/fathers-and-birth#post-59495 Wed, 25 Jan 2012 20:22:09 +0000 heffalump 59495@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think that your husband just cares about you and your baby. After all it's his baby too, and he wants to make sure that you all are safe and healthy. You guys just might have a different idea about how to stay safe and healthy though. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/fathers-and-birth#post-59477 Wed, 25 Jan 2012 20:19:22 +0000 cyneswith 59477@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I really want to understand the male perspective on this, because it keeps bugging me. Why would a man be incredibly concerned about where/how his wife gives birth, assuming it's a low-moderate risk pregnancy? </p> <p>I don't care where he gets a prostate exam, or where/how he'd get a vasectomy, or where he'd get seen if we have infertility problems. Why does he care how I push a child out my hooha, so long as there's a trained medical professional to be sure nothing goes wrong?</p> <p>I got the "it was good enough for my mom!" line. That's great, but your mom has not had several near-death experiences due to malpractice, and I have. I don't want the whole intervention cascade, because last time I ended up hospitalized for a month and had a 20 point IQ drop in the course of 2 weeks and anterograde amnesia for a year. We've resolved the argument, but I still have NO idea where he was coming from to begin with. I can understand saying "OK, I need more information before I can get on board with this." </p> <p>Please note: I know I'm overly emotional right now. I was on the verge of tears just thinking about my dance teacher said I'd improved a lot this week. I'm not really irritated with my husband. </p>