https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Sun, 26 Apr 2026 20:19:04 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-like-a-failure#post-894060 Fri, 28 Jun 2013 15:21:47 +0000 Mini Piccolini 894060@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Three months is just such a hard age. It'll get better - I promise. One day LO will be 5ish months and you will actually forget how hard this was! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-like-a-failure#post-893996 Fri, 28 Jun 2013 14:52:17 +0000 Dandelion 893996@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@sarac: Oh, I agree...DS has always been easy, and he's an easy kid, too. But, we have our days. I didn't say they're for sure miserable, but it may not be exactly how it seems for some of those mothers. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-like-a-failure#post-893992 Fri, 28 Jun 2013 14:49:28 +0000 Mrs. High Heels 893992@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@BKCaribBaby: you are NOT a failure!! every baby is SO DIFFERENT, and as a mom of two babies who couldn't have been more opposite, I am a testament to that.</p> <p>My first sounds very much like yours - she was not colicky, but high needs. I could never ever put her down, I couldn't even go to the bathroom alone because I couldn't just lay her down on my bed or bouncer for one second or else she'd have a fit, so I learned to pee with her strapped in the Ergo! Instead of falling asleep when tired in public, she'd fuss and fuss... so I was always timing her naps and trying to get her home to her crib whenever it was time for bed. It was so hard, especially as a first time mom and everything being so new. I looked at others and their easy babies and wondered why mine couldn't be that way.</p> <p>My 2nd, born this February... is a complete 180. He is so portable, pretty much sleeps anywhere, rarely fusses or cries... and if he does, there is always a reason and it's really easy to figure out. He is so happy all the time, even when he skips naps or if we put him to bed late. Nothing seems to phase him.</p> <p>I am the same mom, but my babies just somehow ended up being very different. I don't think I've done too many things differently this time around except I haven't been able to give my 2nd one as much attention, and I haven't revolved my life around his schedule just because I can't since I have an older toddler to take care of too.</p> <p>You're doing a great job!!!! Cut yourself some slack, all babies are different and some things are out of your control. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-like-a-failure#post-893971 Fri, 28 Jun 2013 14:39:22 +0000 sarac 893971@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Dandelion: I kind of take issue with this - lots of mothers to very young babies aren't miserable. I wasn't, I really loved parenting from the start. I think that there are two things here - first, some babies are just easier than others. I had a really, really easy baby, so it was easy to feel like life was great. I may have looked like a really skilled, capable mother at that point - but the reality was that I had an easy baby and a great supply of breastmilk, and that made everything look simple. Some people just get lucky, and some really don't. It doesn't reflect on your skills as a parent, AT ALL, but it can be hard not to think that it does.</p> <p>And that's the second thing - the extent to which think that the way they sleep, eat, grow, whatever, reflects on us as parents. Baby who wants to be held to sleep? Failure! Baby who grows slowly? Failure! There are all these cultural messages that can be really easy to opt into about how your baby needs to act a certain way, or you're just a bad parent. They're all just wrong, imho. Just really wrong and damaging.</p> <p>Failure in parenting means abuse, or neglect, or any other really evil thing like that. I think it is really sad that we feel like failures because of things like sleeping or our ability to breastfeed. So much of these things are so far beyond our control - they just don't reflect on our parenting, at all. If you see a mother who looks like she's a 'better' parent, she probably just has a much easier baby.</p> <p>ETA: As a for instance - my daughter NEVER napped consistently or for very long as a baby. Not until 8 months, probably, was she even on any kind of regular schedule. It was irritating, but in no way did I interpret this as some kind of failure on my part. She was her own person even then, and she didn't exist to demonstrate my good parenting skills. She just wanted to sleep when she damn well felt like it, and that was it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-like-a-failure#post-893873 Fri, 28 Jun 2013 14:03:32 +0000 BKCaribBaby 893873@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@tysonja: Thank you! :happy: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-like-a-failure#post-889139 Thu, 27 Jun 2013 11:58:23 +0000 tysonja 889139@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>you are an amazing mom!!!!</p> <p>our LO is 13 months now and i guess could be described as an 'easy' baby - -eating, sleeping etc :)</p> <p>BUTTTTTT our turning point was around 4 months! at 3 months i was still crying at every feed (paiinnn, no milk...) and naps were rediculous. as in... hardly any napping at ALL. i was a tired mess and i thought things would never get into a good rhythm. thankfully they did in the next 2 months and improved a million times over :)</p> <p>perhaps you guys are just about to round the bend as well! :) i always think of it as taking it one feed at a time... taking things 'one day at a time' was just too much :) again, you are awesome! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-like-a-failure#post-889122 Thu, 27 Jun 2013 11:54:19 +0000 BKCaribBaby 889122@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@dookie32: Yes, I think I have to reframe the way I think of things and what I do with her. </p> <p>@Cherrybee: LOL at "skillz". I will say that this experience is keeping me humble, which isn't a bad thing. :happy: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-like-a-failure#post-889019 Thu, 27 Jun 2013 11:33:09 +0000 JoyfulKiwi 889019@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@BKCaribBaby: it's good to let it out! But you're not a failure! Every time I feel like I'm failing (like, say, when he rolled off the bed in the middle of the night) I remind myself I'm doing my very best &amp; I'm the greatest (read: only) mother he's got. We will be fine. Also, my son sleeps in 3-4 hour increments and he's 9 months old. Once I let go of the expectations of how he "should" sleep and accepted how he actually *does* sleep, everyone got a lot happier!</p> <p>@NovBaby1112: ugg, yes! I think it's all too easy for people to forget things - especially people who's children are grown! Although I do feel hopeful that means someday, I too will forget the awful parts! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-like-a-failure#post-889011 Thu, 27 Jun 2013 11:31:07 +0000 dookie32 889011@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My son was "high needs" too. I totally understand the frustration when you see people that have easy-going babies that they can take everywhere or will sleep at the drop of a hat. Unfortunately like PPs said it doesn't really have much to do with what you are doing- it's really just their personalities. My son is 15 months now and he still is fairly high-maintenance. Everyone approaches it differently- I just decided not to feel pressured to do things that other people do with their babies. I knew my son and his limits and I didn't think it was worth stressing me and my son out by forcing him to be more accommodating. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-like-a-failure#post-888942 Thu, 27 Jun 2013 11:18:42 +0000 mamabolt 888942@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My LO was a TERRIBLE napper for months and months. Really it was not until she hit 7-8 months that she got good at napping and I felt like the parenting stuff got so much easier. You are not a failure! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-like-a-failure#post-888893 Thu, 27 Jun 2013 11:12:15 +0000 Cherrybee 888893@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@BKCaribBaby: FWIW, my BFF had one of those super easy babies. STTN at a few weeks, would nap anywhere (oh and she totally thought it was down to her "skillz"!). Then, at seven months, he transformed into nightmare-won't-sleep-baby and she is baffled! I'm having to do cry-it-out with her while she does CIO with him!! So when you see women with super easy babies remember two things a) Its nothing they've done and they are no better at being a mum than you and b) their time will come eventually! Be it toddlerhood or the teenage yrs, none of us will get through completely unscathed, im sure of it! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-like-a-failure#post-888892 Thu, 27 Jun 2013 11:11:51 +0000 BKCaribBaby 888892@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@BabyBoecksMom: That's a really great way to think about it. She is so full of life. It's one of the things I love about her. Some days I just look at her and think, "Just fall asleep. You'll be so much happier. I promise."</p> <p>@meredithNYC: I'm in Brooklyn, and we live near a very busy intersection. She's starting to enjoy the carrier more because she loves to look at everything. I read that piece before, but I think I need to read it again. </p> <p>@regberadaisy: Thank you!! :happy: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-like-a-failure#post-888879 Thu, 27 Jun 2013 11:10:08 +0000 katsupgirl 888879@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@BKCaribBaby: 3 months is still so young. I don't think we left the house when she was 3 months. You're doing a great job as a mom! At 3 months my LO was totally sleeping in my arms for naps. Don't believe the hype those moms are terrified inside hoping their baby doesn't scream, cry, have a blowout, etc. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-like-a-failure#post-888849 Thu, 27 Jun 2013 11:05:14 +0000 MrsF 888849@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>You are NOT failure! Being a mom is tough and some babies just make it all that much harder. I definitely have THAT baby too. We are the noisy ones everywhere we go. Just try to get through the day, even the next ten minutes if you have to. Have a good time with your friend, try to lean on each other even if her experience has been different than yours. We're all just doing the best that we can with the baby that we have. Thank goodness HB is here when we're having these moments! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-like-a-failure#post-888836 Thu, 27 Jun 2013 11:02:14 +0000 BKCaribBaby 888836@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrsjazz: Thanks! When are we doing a Brooklyn/NYC meetup? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-like-a-failure#post-888834 Thu, 27 Jun 2013 11:01:26 +0000 meredithNYC 888834@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Okay, if you're in New York, the good thing is that it's pretty loud all the time. We were in Brooklyn when LO was tiny and even though it wasn't Manhattan-loud, it was still noisy enough and I used it to my advantage. I would just let her yell down the sidewalk in her stroller!</p> <p>Also, this might be a good read for you, if you haven't seen it yet. I identified with it hugely:<br /> <a href="http://www.theatlantic.com/sexes/archive/2013/04/before-i-forget-what-nobody-remembers-about-new-motherhood/274981/" rel="nofollow">http://www.theatlantic.com/sexes/archive/2013/04/before-i-forget-what-nobody-remembers-about-new-motherhood/274981/</a></p> <p>ETA: and yes, complain away! That's a big part of what Hellobee is for - so that parents can vent to a sympathetic audience. I often think it's better to do it this way than to put it on my husband 100% of the time :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-like-a-failure#post-888820 Thu, 27 Jun 2013 10:59:34 +0000 MsLipGloss 888820@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@plantains: @BKCaribBaby: I agree - complain all you want! We all totally get it. :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-like-a-failure#post-888775 Thu, 27 Jun 2013 10:52:12 +0000 regberadaisy 888775@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>You are NOT a failure!!! Some parents are just SO lucky to have easy babies!!!</p> <p>LO was held for naps till about 10 months, she was super fussy till about 8 weeks, her night time sleep SUCKEd till about 7.5 months and now it's back to sucking. </p> <p>I consider myself a great mom and you should too! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-like-a-failure#post-888764 Thu, 27 Jun 2013 10:49:19 +0000 plantains 888764@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@BKCaribBaby: complain all you want, it is just so hard. I feel like no one mentions before you have a baby that naps will be the bane of your existence!</p> <p>I hope you have a good time with your mom friend, big hug. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-like-a-failure#post-888742 Thu, 27 Jun 2013 10:47:22 +0000 BabyBoecksMom 888742@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I was right there with you. I had a high needs baby (she's now a toddler). I dreaded going out in public because she would just scream instead of passing out like all these other babies. But like the other women have said, a "spirited" baby isn't a reflection of your parenting abilities. It's tough!! </p> <p>The best thing I did for myself was to stop thinking that I was a failure because my baby was so different from "x". Babies are born with these incredible personalities (some more bold than others). Yes, it sucks to have to feel like your life is revolving around your baby's schedule, but I promise it gets better. </p> <p>Hang in there!!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-like-a-failure#post-888723 Thu, 27 Jun 2013 10:44:25 +0000 BKCaribBaby 888723@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Thanks, everybody!</p> <p>@NovBaby1112: @meredithNYC: @plantains: I do feel like I have "that" baby out in public, but you are right that I need to just power through it. I'm meeting a new Mom friend today at a cafe, and hopefully LO will be a bit better. She is enjoying the carrier more now because she likes to look at everything. </p> <p>@artbee: LOL! You are right! I am sure you are not fat and it's great to be home with LO whenever yo can be. </p> <p>I am trying not to be too hard on myself re: sleep because I know that she is still pretty young. She actually had a 5 hour and 3.5 hour stretch of sleep (with a 1.5 in the middle), so I should not be complaining too much. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-like-a-failure#post-888719 Thu, 27 Jun 2013 10:43:41 +0000 mrsjazz 888719@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@BKCaribBaby: Don't feel like a failure because you are not! Every baby is different. My LO had to be held for naps, too. There were some days I would sit on the couch holding her and cry because I had to pee so bad but couldn't. Things did get better by month 4, but my LOs sleep has always been an issue (we had a hellish night last night and she's 14 months). I also didn't participate in any sort of Mom group stuff until she was much older.</p> <p>So, don't worry. I'm sure you are doing a great job. I think the best advice is to remember that your baby is not everyone else's baby. It's hard not to compare babies, but learning not to do that will definitely serve you well as a parent and relieve some of the stress of thinking your a failure. It truly will get better. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-like-a-failure#post-888716 Thu, 27 Jun 2013 10:42:27 +0000 MsLipGloss 888716@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@artbee: I couldn't agree more! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-like-a-failure#post-888709 Thu, 27 Jun 2013 10:41:36 +0000 MsLipGloss 888709@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@NovBaby1112: Comparison *augh* Comparison is the thief of joy! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-like-a-failure#post-888679 Thu, 27 Jun 2013 10:37:11 +0000 Smurfette 888679@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@BKCaribBaby: I had a post just like this. You are a not a failure!! Your LO sounds exactly like mine. They just require a little more attention. That doesn't make you a failure. Like PP have said, every baby is different. R is 3.5 months and just now getting better about taking her out in public. Your LO will get there. Just hang in there!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-like-a-failure#post-888582 Thu, 27 Jun 2013 10:22:38 +0000 plantains 888582@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@BKCaribBaby: big hug, don't worry I am sure you are doing a fantastic job. 3-4 months was kind of a rough age for me, and the napping situation was driving me crazy. I am happy to report that it definitely got way better in month 4, and honestly I think you just have to take her out and let her wail! Hopefully she will be distracted enough by the trees and NYC noises to pipe down and give you a break:) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-like-a-failure#post-888573 Thu, 27 Jun 2013 10:21:37 +0000 googly-eyes 888573@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@BKCaribBaby: This sounds just like my daughter at that age. You're not alone or a bad mother! Every outing or even just late nap resulted in crying. Most outings in tantrums or just on the verge. We were housebound and I was miserable. Around four months is when it started to get easier and by five months we could take her out all day and she'd nap in the stroller or car. Hang in there; it does get better, and probably soon! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-like-a-failure#post-888546 Thu, 27 Jun 2013 10:18:07 +0000 NovBaby1112 888546@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MsLipGloss: i totally agree with your last statement. i also think parents with toddlers or older LO's quickly forget when their babies started STTN or did this and that. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-like-a-failure#post-888535 Thu, 27 Jun 2013 10:16:33 +0000 heffalump 888535@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Unfortunately.... we just can't control our babies. We don't have a choice over their size, how they eat, how they sleep, etc. They will do what they want to do, and it has no reflection on you as a parent. </p> <p>I have a friend who always seems so happy, her life is perfect, etc. But I just don't buy it. She's that friend who was able to wear her prebaby pants less then a week after she gave birth. That's because she spends most of her time at the gym after work. I'd rather be fat and at home with my baby :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-like-a-failure#post-888530 Thu, 27 Jun 2013 10:15:27 +0000 NovBaby1112 888530@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@BKCaribBaby: please don't feel like a failure! it is SO hard to not compare yourself to other mothers and their babies, but there is really no point! all babies are different, and i always remind myself that no matter how perfect or easy things seem to other people, i have no clue what goes on behind closed doors. most babies at 3 months old need a ton of attention, holding, snuggles- my LO was very high maintenance in those early months! my DD is 7.5 months and has NEVER slept 12 hours straight! you will start to get into a groove and things will get easier i promise :) </p> <p>have you tried baby wearing? that always seemed to calm my LO down and got her to sleep when we were out and about. </p>