https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Sat, 25 Apr 2026 23:01:31 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-like-failure/page/2#post-749203 Sun, 28 Apr 2013 17:32:01 +0000 travelgirl1 749203@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Smurfette: You are doing amazing! I found that when A was born she came with this almighty sense of mummy guilt that I felt all.the.time. I felt SO guilty about everything, to the point where I cried once because I forgot to put a hat on her when we went out. I used to beat myself up about everything. Probably needlessly because now she's a bit older, she's the happiest, sweetest most content little baby - all the hat forgetting and crying and bottle rejection really didn't affect her in the big picture at all : ) </p> <p>I agree with everyone who said to ditch the book. The best advice I ever got is that your baby is their own little person and they will do things in their own time, not when a book says they should. It was a LC who said that to me about breastfeeding when I was in tears about her latch and it was so, so true - one day it just clicked, when she was ready, not when I wanted her to be.</p> <p>We didn't have any routine for months, she started rejecting the bottle at about six weeks and has never taken another since (despite numerous nipple tests) and has refused to nurse many times, despite having no other way of feeding. I used to just try feed her all the time for my own peace of mind, but now try feed on demand and it works better.</p> <p>It took us a long time to get her to sleep somewhere by herself. We still have to nurse her down. Also, she has stages where she's never up at night, and others where she gets up five times - babies like to change things up!</p> <p>So you're doing nothing wrong, nothing at all. You're doing a great job being so loving and caring. In a few months you'll look back and be so much more relaxed about it, it's much easier when they are a bit bigger and interact with you more, so you can see how happy they are, and know a bit easier when something (and exactly what it is) is wrong. Hang on in there! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-like-failure/page/2#post-749125 Sun, 28 Apr 2013 15:20:07 +0000 lemondrop 749125@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Around 5-7 weeks was the hardest time for me (aside from the first couple of days with him in the NICU). I clearly remember crying to my mom on the phone at 6 weeks. By 8 weeks though we turned a corner and things got easier (we had our sucky moments, and still do, but I felt infinitely better!) I was less scared of him by then, and didn't feel like I was melting down as much if he started crying for whatever reason I couldn't figure out. </p> <p>Remember that your baby has to adjust from being warm and dark and constantly fed all the time, and you guys have to figure out how to work together as a team. It takes time and a lot of work, but you'll get it figured out. </p> <p>I quit the baby books other than No Cry Sleep Solution when I need reassurance or new ideas after a bad night. My little guy never read the manual, so I figured I didn't need to worry about it either. Big hugs and good luck, hope you guys turn that corner soon! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-like-failure/page/2#post-749120 Sun, 28 Apr 2013 15:02:52 +0000 tororojo 749120@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I didn't read the other replies. But (((((hugs)))))) !!! I think my LO is just some days older than yours and the last few weeks have been rough. I haven't been able to put LO down for daytime naps lately, and I gave up trying b/c I'd rather her sleep in my arms than wake up as soon as I set her down. Maybe it's too early to give a paci when they wake up hungry? All the baby lit I've read says the first 2-3 months we have to just do whatever works to survive and it may or may not be ideal and match up w/books and research and other babies. I hope it gets better for you soon! When you feel like pulling your hair out...make DH go get you cheese fries and a soda. Or better yet, leave him at home and go grab/eat them alone in your quiet car. I did that with a milkshake the other day and life seemed so much brighter. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-like-failure/page/2#post-749025 Sun, 28 Apr 2013 12:05:13 +0000 SleepyMonkey 749025@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>aw, big hugs. don't feel like a failure, because you aren't one! the first 2 months are really hard, especially with all the books that say your baby should be or shouldn't be doing this. i was in the same spot as you, i was stressing out over my baby not napping, not taking a bottle, etc because all the books said that wasn't right! PUT DOWN THE BOOKS. your baby is unique and will get there when they get there. do whatever works for you and your family, even though the books or your friends or the internet is saying its "wrong". </p> <p>btw, my baby is 6 months old and i still don't really know her cries. her pain cries are easy, but her other cries. usually she's hungry, or she's tired. if she's not hungry, she's tired. its just method of elimination for us. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-like-failure/page/2#post-748993 Sun, 28 Apr 2013 11:17:17 +0000 JoyfulKiwi 748993@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@boiledpnut: Haha, that reminds me of the episode of Suburgatory where the mother/author writes the book "How to Be a Baby", because "babies don't know how to do anything!" </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-like-failure/page/2#post-748899 Sun, 28 Apr 2013 09:40:35 +0000 Adira 748899@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Smurfette: *hugs* You're right where I was a couple weeks ago! I think I cried for a week straight right around then and I wanted to quit breastfeeding!</p> <p>I have that book and I know what you mean about struggling to follow it. It's so frustrating when the book says your baby should go 3 hours or sleep through the night or whatever and your baby just isn't doing it! You wonder if you're doing something wrong or just going insane! Just try to remember that the book is a guideline but you can't follow it exactly. Like Xander doesn't nap for longer than 30 minutes and he won't cluster feed unless I force him too and I can't get him to dreamfeed at all, and he certainly won't sleep through the night AT ALL!</p> <p>You're an amazing mother! The fact that you care so much about R and making sure that you do right by her is just so meaningful! The fact that you love her so much is all that matters! R is going to turn out okay in the end because you love and care for her!</p> <p>Xander is almost 9 weeks and I still don't understand his cries, so you're not alone! I can only make a guess based on when he's crying. If he hasn't eaten in a couple hours, I assume he's hungry. If it's shortly after eating, I assume he's gassy. If it's somewhere in between, I have no idea! I'm like "Are you wet? Are you cold? Are you hungry?? What do you want???" I can't wait for him to start talking and be able to actually TELL me what he wants!</p> <p>And I'm not sure anyone LOVES these early stages when it's just SO HARD. Xander's the easiest baby in the world for the most part and I don't love this stage either! I can only imagine how much harder it must be with a more difficult baby! You're doing a fantastic job!!! *hug* </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-like-failure/page/2#post-748822 Sun, 28 Apr 2013 07:27:21 +0000 MrsF 748822@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Oh, and about the different cries: at 7 months old I still don't know what she's crying about half the time. There are a few things that I can distinguish, but I think a lot of that newborn crying was just plain old no reason crying. Some babies just need to be soothed a lot.. As my SIL put it: "some babies are just born with fussy pants on". Don't beat yourself up about it! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-like-failure/page/2#post-748799 Sun, 28 Apr 2013 06:14:58 +0000 sorrycharlie 748799@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Definitely don't go by the books! If I were, I'd be a massive failure - LO is 7 months and wakes every 2 hours, eats every 2-3 all day and night. Babies have their own agenda :) you're doing a great job! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-like-failure/page/2#post-748780 Sun, 28 Apr 2013 04:51:55 +0000 Andrea 748780@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Like everyone else says, it will get better and you're at a really hard stage right now! Don't be so hard on yourself! I know, easier said than done, but I have to remind myself of this still and I have a 3 year old! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-like-failure/page/2#post-748774 Sun, 28 Apr 2013 04:34:28 +0000 boiledpnut 748774@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My pediatrician always tells us to remember that babies don't read our books. He's so right. Every baby is unique. Trust your instincts! You're doing great! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-like-failure#post-748770 Sun, 28 Apr 2013 04:19:37 +0000 Cherrybee 748770@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Smurfette: Aaw, baby girl will be saying to her stuffed toys "when will my mum sleep through the night? She was up three times last night!". Haha! Glad you got a little bit of sleep. Im just going to add my hugs into the mix and add that there is nothing you can do schedule wise at this point to break or ruin your baby. She won't be in therapy in 30yrs time saying "It all stems back to my mother not putting me on a schedule at 6 weeks...." Do what you can to get through, respond to her needs and if you do end up with any bad sleep habits you can always break them later down the line. People sleep train babies, toddlers and older children with great success - its hard work but so is this worrying yourself sick!! Besides, its hardly going to come to that - she's only 6 weeks old! </p> <p>You are a great mama, you are NOT a faliure!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-like-failure#post-748759 Sun, 28 Apr 2013 03:05:56 +0000 Trailmix 748759@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think this is a pretty universal feeling, I wish I had specific helpful advice on regarding the sleeping/eating stuff but I can say that the only way you'd be considered a failure was if you didn't care about how your baby was doing. The fact that you're so upset and worried just proves what a good parent you are! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-like-failure#post-748756 Sun, 28 Apr 2013 02:35:34 +0000 Smurfette 748756@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Seriously y'all are the best! You are right, I am doing the best that I can do.</p> <p>R must have known Mom needed a better night, cause she slept 5 hours!! Granted, I woke up after three and then kept waking up. I heard DH get up after 4 so I made him check she was still breathing. She now has fallen back asleep nursing. </p> <p>Small victory!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-like-failure#post-748740 Sun, 28 Apr 2013 00:17:22 +0000 MrsF 748740@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I can so relate to this! The first two months I felt like every day was the hardest day of my life. I thought we had made a huge mistake. I thought that i must be doing sonething (or everything) wrong to have a baby that cried so much. People kept asking "is she on a schedule?" I couldn't even imagine what that meant! </p> <p>Now she is seven months old, smiles and giggles all the time (things I thought such a miserable baby would never do). And somehow, gradually, miraculously, we've found our groove and our schedule. If someone had told me at two months how happy we would be at seven months (or even four or five) I wouldn't have believed them. It will happen. One day you will look around and realize that you love your life again. I had to block out everyone telling me to "enjoy every moment". I felt guilty at the time but now I truly believe that they don't remember what the early weeks are like. I tried very hard to enjoy one moment every day. And one day I didn't have to try any more. </p> <p>You can do it. You ARE doing it! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-like-failure#post-748734 Sat, 27 Apr 2013 23:56:11 +0000 NovBaby1112 748734@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Smurfette: re trying to give the bottle before you go back to work....my Lo flat out rejected a bottle up until the day I went back to work. I stressed out soooo bad thinking she was going ti starve while I was there. But in the end, girlfriend got hungry enough while I was gone 8+ hrs, and by my second day back, she was taking the bottle like a champ. I would try every few days, but don't force it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-like-failure#post-748700 Sat, 27 Apr 2013 22:47:14 +0000 erwoo 748700@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Aw... Hang in there. The first couple of months is the hardest for first time moms, especially when your LO isn't taking bottles. Try the schedule by feeding every three hours. Try different bottles as well. We went through a few brands until I found one that worked for us. Have your husband help change diapers before every feeding so it's one less thing for you to do. Hope at least one of these helps. Big hugs! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-like-failure#post-748693 Sat, 27 Apr 2013 22:41:52 +0000 Mrs. High Heels 748693@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Weagle: i'm always so hesitant to mention it, but i agree... total game changer! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-like-failure#post-748692 Sat, 27 Apr 2013 22:40:54 +0000 doodlepoodle 748692@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Oh sweet mama. That time is SOOOOO hard. I remember sobbing right along with J calling my MIL begging her to come give me a break because I couldn't do it anymore, I was so exhausted and frustrated. Take it one day at a time. We started with the Avent bottles, tried Dr Brown and finally landed a winner with Nuk. </p> <p>At almost 11 months J still has no set schedule, he rocks his own beat and still wakes a time or two a night. After a while you learn to survive on fumes. </p> <p>Anywhere baby will nap is where baby needs to nap. Your arms? Cool. Crib? Cool. Swing? Yep. Don't worry about 'spoiling' baby, it will go too fast :) much love and hugs from me! This WILL pass, even if it doesn't feel that way. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-like-failure#post-748689 Sat, 27 Apr 2013 22:38:58 +0000 Weagle 748689@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. High Heels: I am so glad you mention tummy napping. I had totally forgotten, but letting LO nap on her tummy was a total game changer for me! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-like-failure#post-748683 Sat, 27 Apr 2013 22:35:19 +0000 Mrs. High Heels 748683@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Smurfette: you are NOT a failure!! you are an amazing mama - just look at all you're doing to give your daughter your very best!! J is now 8-weeks, and i just wrote in my recent monthly update about how hellish weeks 6-8 were. i thought i was losing my mind, and J isn't what i consider a difficult baby either. </p> <p>my first was difficult and colicky, and i was at the end of my rope so i sleep trained her at 6-weeks. i read all those books too (baby whisperer, babywise, etc) and i was going crazy stressing myself out about making sure i wasn't creating "bad habits" etc. i wish i had cut myself (and her) some slack. i couldn't understand why she couldn't go 3 hours between feedings like she was "supposed to"... since she was nursing 1.5-2 hours at that age.</p> <p>you're in the thick of it right now. like others have mentioned, weeks 6-8 are the peak of fussiness for newborns, and i know how much harder it is when you have a more "difficult" baby. you are amazing and doing such a great job.</p> <p>one thing that really helped me (again, against standard advice) was letting her sleep on her tummy for naps. everyone has different risk thresholds, and that was a risk i was willing to take because naps are pretty short (1-2 hours). i felt comfortable enough with it to let her sleep that way for a few hours... and she slept so well that way. maybe that's something to consider? even if her night sleep isn't great right now, it might relieve some of the stress if you can at least get her out of your arms for naps so you get some YOU time back. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-like-failure#post-748668 Sat, 27 Apr 2013 22:20:25 +0000 mrskc 748668@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Step away from the parenting books! I wouldn't worry about a schedule right now, and you are definitely NOT a failure! I'm guessing the vacuum trick isn't working for you. :( Sometimes some babies are a bit more difficult than others. It's nothing you are doing. I would just try to let go of the idea of a schedule. We barely starting getting a semblance of a routine when DS was 5 months. Can you just go with a baby led schedule? Or just attempt to follow a eat, play, sleep routine? Well... at that age a lot of the time it was more like a eat, sleep, play routine b/c I nursed him asleep for all naps and night time sleep. Hang in there mama! Hopefully in the next couple of weeks, things will start to get easier for you. Just know that what you're going through is normal and many many moms have dealt with the same. I had many breakdown and cry moments the first couple of months. It's just such a hard adjustment and the sleep deprivation doesn't help the situation. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-like-failure#post-748659 Sat, 27 Apr 2013 22:15:18 +0000 Weagle 748659@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Big hugs to you!!! First of all, put the book away. Put all the books away. Has The Baby Whisperer met you it your baby? No. There is no way that her approach is going to be your golden ticket. You are going to have to figure out R over time. It is very okay that you don't have a clue what you're doing. I'm 11.5 months out and don't have a clue. I imagine I'll continue to feel this way for the rest of my parenting years. The newborn period is tough. It's totally okay to cry, and it's totally okay to not have a schedule. In fact, I would encourage you to not even think about a schedule for a good 6-8 more weeks. It's totally okay to not know cries. I didn't until my LO was like 7 months old! Hang in there. Things will get better. Parenting is a marathon, not a sprint :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-like-failure#post-748629 Sat, 27 Apr 2013 21:54:35 +0000 photojane 748629@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Smurfette: this might be helpful! I saved it while pregnant... <a href="http://www.hellobee.com/2012/04/20/what-to-do-when-your-baby-goes-on-bottle-strike/" rel="nofollow">http://www.hellobee.com/2012/04/20/what-to-do-when-your-baby-goes-on-bottle-strike/</a> </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-like-failure#post-748596 Sat, 27 Apr 2013 21:34:45 +0000 JoyfulKiwi 748596@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I wish I could literally give you a hug! You are NOT a failure. You are the best mama that little girl will ever have! </p> <p>The weeks you're in right now are rough. Sleep deprivation is no joke (I third and forth all the calls for people to stop asking if our babies are sleeping all night!!) I remember feeling exactly the same way about wanting to not make mistakes that will come back to bit us in the end. I was reading tons of sleep books and stressing myself out like crazy. Then my husband said "our son doesn't have a sleeping problem, so what are you trying to 'fix'?" He was right. Once I let go of focusing on what we were "suposed" to be doing and started following my son's lead we all got a lot happier. Even though it took a while to figure out his cues!</p> <p>We held our son for all his naps until he went to daycare at 14 weeks. He'd sleep in a crib there, but not at home. He wasn't even close to any sort of regular schedule. We'd try to have him nap in his crib at home and he wasn't having it. Eventually, he's started to figure it out. I really think babies just need time to figure things out (I was all about the 4th trimester too).</p> <p>Hang in there. Things will get easier with time. I also want to say that I think it's okay to have moments or full days where you're not enjoying the crap out of your baby. It's not the popular cultural narrative of "love every second!", but I think it's natural to not love it all (seriously, who loves 3 hour bedtimes?) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-like-failure#post-748578 Sat, 27 Apr 2013 21:19:50 +0000 MamaMoose 748578@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Those first couple of months are TOUGH! But you are doing amazing. You have a happy healthy girl and that's all that matters. My LO is five months old and still not at all in a schedule. We try to anticipate her needs and we are much better at it now but that took weeks!! You're doing great mama!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-like-failure#post-748576 Sat, 27 Apr 2013 21:18:54 +0000 Smurfette 748576@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@hilsy85: I want to start at least one bottle a day cause I go back to work in 5 weeks so trying to make it a little easier on her. Plus DH wants to give her a bottle so they have that time together, I could pump and it would give me a little break. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-like-failure#post-748560 Sat, 27 Apr 2013 21:07:29 +0000 photojane 748560@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@hilsy85: Totally! I don't mean that following baby's cues will automatically create a sleeping-machine... just that releasing the guilt and stress over comparing &amp; scheduling makes everyone happier! That's why I said that if baby wants to eat every two hours, to let her... she's hungry! Trying to make baby stick to a schedule, instead of feeding her when she's hungry isn't going to help anyone, ya know?! Hungry babies = angry babies! haha </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-like-failure#post-748558 Sat, 27 Apr 2013 21:04:57 +0000 googly-eyes 748558@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>HUGS!!! Hang in there! You are doing great!</p> <p>HUGS HUGS HUGS!!!</p> <p>You're not a failure. You are doing great. You're nursing. You're being there for your LO. Your baby is doing what normal, healthy newborns do.</p> <p>And I tried like hell but I don't think my LO's cries started to really sound different til a couple months had passed!!!</p> <p>Forget the books, forget the schedules, that's what I had to do. In fact, from about 6 weeks until 4 months I didn't read unless I had a specific question and I was in a calm state of mind. Mostly I kept myself out of books period. I even took an HB break.</p> <p>6 weeks is the peak of fussy and it's just HARD! That does not make you a failure. I had to get help because combined with formula problems and ppd I lost it!! If I had just known that it WOULD get better and not read so many horror stories online I might not have needed help but I was so depressed, tired, and freaked out. I promise you it will get better and you are not alone in feeling this way. I went from wanting to escape motherhood every moment to loving it. There is hope. Don't pressure yourself thinking that you "should" be feeling any which way.</p> <p>If you can get any help from family, even once a week to look forward to, that would be ideal. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-like-failure#post-748557 Sat, 27 Apr 2013 21:02:52 +0000 hilsy85 748557@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@photojane: just want to add on that while I totally agree with what you're saying about going with the flow and following baby's cues, it's very possible (even likely) to do all that and STILL have a high needs baby who won't sleep more than a few hours at a time, or who may be difficult in other ways. </p> <p>DOesn't mean you're doing anything wrong--babies are people too and they have their own little systems. They all work differently (and some are just more sleepy than others :) ). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-like-failure#post-748552 Sat, 27 Apr 2013 21:00:30 +0000 photojane 748552@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Smurfette: The whole point of a schedule is supposed to relieve stress and headache, but I find most of the moms who are stressed out &amp; overwhelmed, are those who are trying so hard to stick their babies into some kind of a rigid schedule. For years on top of years mamas raised happy babies with no books, websites, blogs, or "experts." And still today many cultures &amp; people rely on their instincts and baby's wants/needs instead of demanding their LO's be perfect or on some predetermined, expert-suggested schedule. Your baby is a little person with her own little preferences, feelings, need, and wants. Follow her lead. She'll let you know when she's hungry, tired, happy, and sad. It's so much easier to say than do, but relax! When you relax and begin to follow your baby's lead, it's so much easier to learn and follow her signals. I feed Sadie on demand (her demeanor will change from happy to cranky), I put her down when she's sleepy (she'll begin rubbing her eyes &amp; yawning), and I burp her when she's gassy (she'll cry high-pitched &amp; won't eat). By letting her lead the way, I've learned her behaviors &amp; signals. She's fallen into a routine that works for her, and we've gone along for the ride... she's 10 weeks now, and healthy, incredibly happy, and STTN. I let it happen naturally, and we're so much happier for it! So, if she likes to sleep in your arms - let her, if she wants to eat every two hours - let her... she won't always (though in the moment it feels like it might!).</p> <p>I know this is a freakin' novel of a reply, but I just wanted to emphasize the importance of the unimportance of "scheduling." Release the pressures, comparisons, and your guilt. Parenting is hard! You are doing an AWESOME job, mama! Keep up the great work! LOVE &amp; HUGS! :) </p>