https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Tue, 07 Apr 2026 13:39:21 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-rage-y-at-dh-all-the-time#post-2922787 Wed, 03 Mar 2021 12:34:00 +0000 HappyBaker 2922787@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>So glad I’m not alone in this! We had a big talk Friday and he has stepped up a bunch since then, I know we need more help but for now at least things are feeling better. I actually took the past two days off from work to clean and get our house back in order because that is my biggest stressor, and now that it’s back to good I’m hoping everyone can help keep it that way. I also disappeared this weekend a few times and it was amazing even if it wasn’t very long! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-rage-y-at-dh-all-the-time#post-2922783 Wed, 03 Mar 2021 08:47:20 +0000 Bluemasonjar 2922783@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@foodiebee: @Mrs. Carrot: THIS!!! I too have pointed out to DH that I am the "default" parent. I need to be better about walking away and taking my time.</p> <p>I was complaining about how much time it was taking to get the boys out the door in the morning and DH finally noticed and offered to start handling drop offs. I lay in bed and feel guilty when I hear the boys asking for me in the morning but after they leave I enjoy having a bit of quiet time alone in the house. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-rage-y-at-dh-all-the-time#post-2922775 Tue, 02 Mar 2021 17:09:23 +0000 Mrs. Carrot 2922775@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@foodiebee: This is what I'm trying to do more of too. I've said those exact words too and I think it just never occurred to him how it comes off when he does it. He's trying to be a bit more proactive when I do ask or point things out, so I'm trying to get over my frustration of having to constantly ask and explain things. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-rage-y-at-dh-all-the-time#post-2922758 Tue, 02 Mar 2021 09:46:18 +0000 foodiebee 2922758@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@nwm: I have literally said to him, "You feel like you can just walk away like that because you by default know that I am here take over 100%. You are automatically putting that on me. But I deserve a break just as much as you do, so why don't I get the same option?" </p> <p>That's why I recently just started DOING IT. I know he's in the room and he's engaged with DS, so I walk away, just like he would. I go upstairs and I take my two minutes and I turn on the bathroom fan so that I can't hear anyone and I just try to BE. I always feel a timer to get back downstairs and I tell myself the whole time that I cannot feel guilty for it, that the second I need will make me a better mom, etc. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-rage-y-at-dh-all-the-time#post-2922751 Tue, 02 Mar 2021 00:15:08 +0000 nwm 2922751@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@foodiebee: @Mrs. Carrot: @HappyBaker: this resonates for me so much. when i'm at home, i feel like i have to be "on" for the kids ALL THE TIME, and if i ever need a break to do something, i spend so much time and mental energy talking to DH about it and assigning out the responsibilities and making sure that he knows he is in charge and i'm stepping away. but when HE wants to step away he just...goes. no qualms, and honestly he gets a little mad when i get annoyed about it ("i had work i needed to do!" "i needed a break!" etc...like, literally all i'm asking is for you to tell me what you are doing and when). i honestly want to be better about doing this myself but i truly feel like i need and want him to confirm he'll be keeping the kids alive while i'm tied up lol. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-rage-y-at-dh-all-the-time#post-2922749 Mon, 01 Mar 2021 17:10:49 +0000 Mrs. Carrot 2922749@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@HappyBaker: echoing everything jennlin821 said. My DH works best when given very specific tasks, which yes, it sucks that I have to be the one to do all that, but at least it's something. So I do the meal planning, but he does the grocery shopping based off the list I give him. If I want him to cook, I hand him a recipe to follow. I asked him to take on things that I just don't want to do, like deal with our taxes or manage certain maintenance things for our house. I also try really really hard to not give him a hard time about doing something that isn't my way, unless I've specifically asked him to do it that way. A lot of our frustrations have been me saying "make whatever you want for dinner" and then complaining that he made something I didn't want, which sucks for everyone. And I also tried really hard to think about what would work well for his strengths. He will never manage meal planning for us or keep track of appointments for our daughter, he just isn't wired that way. But he does care about things like how our appliances run, and car maintenance and stuff like that so great, less for me to think about. Give that some thought too and see how you might be able to get more specific with him on tasks and what might be a good fit for him. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-rage-y-at-dh-all-the-time#post-2922713 Fri, 26 Feb 2021 15:46:40 +0000 Chuckles 2922713@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@happybaker: Total commiseration here! But I wanted to add that for me a big part of this has been related to the pandemic. DH and I both need alone time, but because we can't really go anywhere, it's so hard to check out when everyone else is still in the house. Hopefully when the weather gets warmer it will be a little better. And, related to being extra rage-y with DH, I have been thinking, "how can I miss you when you won't go away" :silly: I just feel like we are together so much more than usual. And while that's kind of nice, I also want to be like, go away for 2 days and then I'll be really happy to see you. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-rage-y-at-dh-all-the-time#post-2922711 Fri, 26 Feb 2021 15:16:58 +0000 HappyBaker 2922711@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@jennlin821: thank you so much for the advice and encouragement, I really appreciate you taking the time! I just told my boss I’m taking Monday and Tuesday off next week to get my house back in order because that is a major stressor me (we still have Christmas gifts that haven’t been put away 🤦‍♀️), and I’m definitely going to work through the cards with DH once I reread the book. </p> <p>@Corduroy: thanks for the podcast recommendation, maybe I can get DH to listen to it so he’s more on board. And I LOVE that you are tap dancing, that’s amazing! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-rage-y-at-dh-all-the-time#post-2922708 Fri, 26 Feb 2021 14:41:47 +0000 foodiebee 2922708@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@HappyBaker: the post-dinner poop had me LOLing so hard. I too have to deal with the disappearing-to-go-poop issue. Like others said, my DH does a much better job of just checking out or stepping away than I do. We've talked about it before. He just doesn't feel like he has to ask for permission for that like I do. I've done it myself twice now when I was at my limit, and it was really quite amazing once I got past the guilt. I don't really have anything to offer except commisseration! By the end of the day, I don't want anyone speaking to me (all I hear is "mamamamamamamama" 795 times a day) or touching me. Just let me beeeeee. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-rage-y-at-dh-all-the-time#post-2922707 Fri, 26 Feb 2021 13:54:52 +0000 Corduroy 2922707@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Echoing the Eve Rodsky recommendations. I read the book and did the cards with DH just before the pandemic. My unicorn space is tap dancing for now. </p> <p>I just caught a podcast with Eve as the guest. Terrible, Thanks for Asking had her on Feb 2nd. It was a nice intro/refresh. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-rage-y-at-dh-all-the-time#post-2922704 Fri, 26 Feb 2021 11:38:36 +0000 jennlin821 2922704@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@HappyBaker: especially from the comments you made, fair play is exactly what you are looking for. Its going to give DH accountability, open your communication, and the ability to shift responsibilites when one of you (you!) is feeling overwhelmed and needs a lighter plate. There is also a big section that talks about unicorn time, which is time for your own hobby. This is separate from exercise and other self-care. This will help you both have a more balanced life and feel more like your own person. </p> <p>granted its not going to be perfect due to the pandemic, I mean who has had a date night, or girls night, or most of the things that keep us sane - but if you each take equitable time each week you will be happier humans and show a good example to your kids. If the entire family knows that mom spends every saturday morning from 9-11 is either won't be home or is TOTALLY UNAVAILABLE while sewing/dancing/woodworking/learning latin then the whole family will adjust. And the same while dad is doing the same thing every sunday. </p> <p>I would also take a look at what some of your pain points are. Cooking taking too long? tripping over shoes in the hallway? take some time to figure out how this can be better. It sucks to add it on to your mental load, but the end result may be worth the additional short term weight. And post on here for ideas to help with! I know there was one Bee who kept her kids shoes and socks in the car, so that they were never lost and always ready to go. that doesn't work for me, but its a unique idea that helped me think outside the box. </p> <p>The point is your rage is valid. Its also fixable, if you DH is willing to make changes. And we are here to lean on! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-rage-y-at-dh-all-the-time#post-2922702 Fri, 26 Feb 2021 11:16:58 +0000 HappyBaker 2922702@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Carrot: whenever we have tried to talk about it ends up with him upset and feeling like he’s a failure because he knows he isn’t pulling his weight. But then the next day it’s back to normal and nothing changes. I’ve tried having him take over some stuff completely but he always ends up mad when I don’t want to do any of the mental load type stuff related to it. Example - I hate meal planning and grocery list making so he offered to take it over but then would ask me 1000 questions about dinner ideas and what we needed. I finally told him I either needed him to do the whole job or none of it and now it’s my job again. And omg my biggest pet peeve is how easy it is for him to disappear! Like his nightly post dinner poop takes all of the time it takes me to clean up dinner, and we are frequently on the weekends asking “where did daddy go”. That’s such a great idea to disappear myself to grab some recharge time!</p> <p>I think our issues are compounded by the fact that we’ve been together since college and he’s never “adulted” on his own. He doesn’t use a calendar or to do list and is super forgetful because of it since our life is so busy. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-rage-y-at-dh-all-the-time#post-2922701 Fri, 26 Feb 2021 11:09:51 +0000 HappyBaker 2922701@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@josina: checking out is a good idea! Perhaps if that’s how I start the night after kids are asleep it will set my attitude better for the rest! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-rage-y-at-dh-all-the-time#post-2922700 Fri, 26 Feb 2021 11:01:17 +0000 Mrs. Carrot 2922700@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Have you talked to him and how does he respond, if you have? I feel very similar all the time, and in my case it's compounded by 10 years worth of other marital crap that piled up, but I've also gotten better at asking. Which sucks that I have to ask, but it's better than nothing at all at least. And thankfully mine is responsive to when I ask and I've noticed he's gotten better at things like asking if he can start anything for dinner, or just taking the laundry on himself. Small steps but something. And the me-time thing, I'm terrible at this and I burn out quickly as a result, but I've noticed that DH can "disappear" very easily - e.g. he can just stay sitting in the dining room after we cleaned up and I go upstairs with our daughter to play and start getting her ready for bed - so I've started doing that too. Grabbing a book and closing the door to my office and telling our daughter that I need some quiet time and ask dad if she needs help. I've also told DH when I'm particularly beat that I need to go to bed early or need some time on my own. It's rare that I manage this and I have to fight a lot of self guilt, but I'm a work in progress. As much as I'd love for him to just know what I need, he won't so I need to get better at advocating for myself. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-rage-y-at-dh-all-the-time#post-2922699 Fri, 26 Feb 2021 09:51:35 +0000 josina 2922699@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>No advice really but I know how you feel. DH has been better about helping out at home, but I work 8 hours OOH, work up to an hour more at home, make dinner, take care of the kids, and then he gets mad if I don't cuddle on the couch with him or give him any attention. He doesn't get that I need ME time.</p> <p>I have started 'checking out' for a half hour to run on the treadmill every night with a book. Its such a little thing but it's made a difference. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-rage-y-at-dh-all-the-time#post-2922698 Fri, 26 Feb 2021 09:51:01 +0000 HappyBaker 2922698@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@jennlin821: oh yes I totally forgot about that book! I actually read it right when it came out a few years ago but didn’t go through the card process because I didn’t think things were “that bad”. But definitely going to get and read it again! Thanks! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-rage-y-at-dh-all-the-time#post-2922697 Fri, 26 Feb 2021 09:35:01 +0000 jennlin821 2922697@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I highly recommend the book Fair Play by Eve Rodetsky, and then implementing her playing cards system. </p> <p>It will take some work, but will definitely help you and DH. The book doesn't recommend that your DH reads it, but I thought it was necessary that we both read it, so that DH could really understand the mental load associated with every decision that needs to be made. </p> <p>There is also a website, that is a great resource for the playing cards, and can give you a preview of what the book talks about.<br /> <a href="https://www.fairplaylife.com/the-cards/cpe" rel="nofollow">https://www.fairplaylife.com/the-cards/cpe</a> </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/feeling-rage-y-at-dh-all-the-time#post-2922696 Fri, 26 Feb 2021 09:27:19 +0000 HappyBaker 2922696@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm sure it's mostly fueled by pandemic burnout, but lately I feel SO ragey at DH, and am wondering if anyone else who has experienced this has tips to overcome it. </p> <p>I feel like I am (I AM) doing ALL of the things to keep our house, kids, and life afloat and yet he is still stressed and annoyed whenever he does have to do anything. We both work full time, and from March - September I had our 3 kids home with me while trying to continue to work full time -- DH has been going into the office and working regular full days this whole time. Luckily our kids have been back in-person school and daycare since September, so I am at least able to work alone from home now, but I'm doing 95% of drop offs and pickups which make my work day only 5 hours or so, and I just feel like I get no appreciation for managing to work and do literally all things for our family. In general I just feel "need-ed" out by the end of the day, like 24 hours a day someone needs something from me or the house needs something done or I need to order some supply we are lacking, and then the kids are finally in bed and DH will try to cuddle up to me on the couch and I literally want to SCREAM I just want to be alone and not be on the clock for anyone but myself. I feel like I'm being a raging bitch but also just want someone to ask "Hey what do YOU need?" </p> <p>I know we are so incredibly lucky to both still have our jobs, and have childcare right now, so I shouldn't be complaining, which is why I haven't mentioned this to real life friends or family -- but I am so unhappy right now and I'm hoping someone has some great advice as usually that is the case here! </p>