https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Wed, 27 May 2026 17:35:08 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/first-time-mom-to-be-vs-experience-moms/page/2#post-2650579 Wed, 09 Nov 2016 23:12:02 +0000 skipra 2650579@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@JennyD: sorry you are having family issues. We have experienced several issues with DH's family and communication and boundaries since our oldest was born. So sad that some of the most joyful parts of life can cause so many problems.</p> <p>@Mrs. Sketchbook: just curious how you came across that article? I have a family member that works there so I read the article and it is like it describes my DH's family to a tee. Thank you for sharing it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/first-time-mom-to-be-vs-experience-moms/page/2#post-2650503 Wed, 09 Nov 2016 18:21:02 +0000 ElbieKay 2650503@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Also, I recently found a fairly extreme message board about setting boundaries with families. Much of the advice is extremely unsympathetic to the other family members and in certain cases goes too far. It's high drama and a bit exhausting to read. But reading the stories there has helped me clarify the ways in which my MIL (and in some ways also my parents) drives me insane and helped me recognize ways to enforce reasonable boundaries and drop the guilt. I view this stuff similarly to parenting advice: Most advice will not be 100% what you want to hear, but it's good to get a range of ideas so that you can pick what you want from the Advice Buffet of Life.</p> <p>I don't especially care if you visit that board, and I'm not sure if I'm allowed to share the link, but just google "DWIL" and follow the link to a section of a fairly well-known parenting forum if you are interested. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/first-time-mom-to-be-vs-experience-moms/page/2#post-2650499 Wed, 09 Nov 2016 18:17:26 +0000 ElbieKay 2650499@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@JennyD: Your post about your mom hit the nail on the head. I suggest keeping your guard up against her attempts to triangulate. My mom used to try this with me sometimes when I was in my 20s. She would ask me to nag my sister for her since my sister was not receptive to our mom's nagging. I told her quite directly that there was no way I was getting involved. When I am in situations like that, I get very annoyed so it's "easy" for me to stop trying to be nice. Your mom is sabotaging your relationship with your brother and SIL by trying to add her own expectations into the mix.</p> <p>FYI, as a FTM I had mixed-to-negative feelings about hand-me-downs. I threw a lot of them out because they were sort of ratty or I just didn't like them. I wanted to forge my own path and make my own choices and mistakes.</p> <p>I think it's ok to step back and give yourself some breathing room and not buy into all these expectations of what kind of effort you should make and how that effort should be appreciated/responded to/reciprocated.</p> <p>Family relationships would be so much simpler if people checked their expectations at the door. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/first-time-mom-to-be-vs-experience-moms/page/2#post-2650089 Tue, 08 Nov 2016 21:43:26 +0000 cat620 2650089@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@JennyD: I am in a similar boat as you, since my DH and I were the first in his family to have kids. His siblings have no interest in our kids. They don't come to their birthdays, rarely give gifts or cards, and show them little attention when they see them in person. Even after I had each child, there was no acknowledgment that I had a baby until months later. His siblings are not currently expecting, but I'm not sure how I'll act when they are. I want to be happy for them, but part of me is keeping score, and I feel like we have been slighted by them. I don't have much advice for you. I think it's noble to try to be the better person, but it's hard to do. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/first-time-mom-to-be-vs-experience-moms/page/2#post-2650042 Tue, 08 Nov 2016 20:21:45 +0000 JennyD 2650042@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Sketchbook: that's fantastic! Families are hard work. </p> <p>When things were a total mess with our family a few years ago I saw a therapist weekly for a whole year. It made a huge difference for me. But I could use a bit of a referesher. </p> <p>What books have you found helpful? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/first-time-mom-to-be-vs-experience-moms/page/2#post-2649396 Mon, 07 Nov 2016 20:22:38 +0000 Mrs. Sketchbook 2649396@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@JennyD: I have been working hard to establish boundaries with very spotty/uneven results. The theory of family triangles is extremely interesting to me and tends to inform my perspective on this. Here's an overview:</p> <p><a href="http://www.mariadroste.org/2013/07/the-enmeshed-family-what-it-is-and-how-to-unmesh/" rel="nofollow">http://www.mariadroste.org/2013/07/the-enmeshed-family-what-it-is-and-how-to-unmesh/</a></p> <p>In all honesty in my attempt to establish boundaries I have at times lost my temper. But I try when I can to use "I statements." Sometimes I plot out what I want to say in advance. I use text or phone to keep it less confrontational. I also see a therapist! </p> <p>Since I started working on family issues I have completely repaired a relationship with a cousin who was estranged from our family, completely repaired a relationship with a stepsister who had become estranged from our family (in neither case was I the source of the estrangement, but I finally put an end to it), completely rewired my relationship with my in laws to the point that they actually apologized for some hurtful behavior, totally gotten my dad to acknowledge his faults.... deepened my relationship with my siblings, deepened my relationship with my other stepsiblings, and stepfather....my mom is the holdout. She and I haven't talked for about four months but I sent the kids over to her place for breakfast (husband took them) and my mom asked my husband to talk to me on her behalf so I count that as success. It hasn't always been "pretty" but it has been extremely cathartic and it required me to stop being the "good" one and start being authentic. If you are looking for book recs let me know!</p> <p>ETA: the cousin and stepsister were estranged because of drama in the generation above ours...I just reached out to them and didn't include the people who caused all the trouble in the first place! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/first-time-mom-to-be-vs-experience-moms/page/2#post-2648914 Sun, 06 Nov 2016 21:35:38 +0000 youboots 2648914@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@JennyD: sounds like a little therapy would not be a bad idea. It has helped me create and maintain boundaries with a different family. I have been seeing my therapist since July 14' </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/first-time-mom-to-be-vs-experience-moms/page/2#post-2648903 Sun, 06 Nov 2016 20:47:53 +0000 JennyD 2648903@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Sketchbook: my mom has a vision of what a family should be like and what role everyone should play. For example, my mom will call me and tell me my sister is having a rough time and I really need to call her and be a sympathetic ear. I will dutifully call my sister and I'm the last person she wants meddling in her business. So to me, my sister is ungrateful for being snappish with me when I went out of my way to try to help her, and really, she didn't ask for my help at all. </p> <p>I think what the three of us need is the space to establish our own relationships with one another without disappointing or hurting our mom. </p> <p>I really do understand that my kid's third birthday is not a priority for my brother. I get it. And he probably would get it if I wasn't into this baby shower. But in each case, we'll get a earful from our mom. So really, I need to be aware of this, remain objective in why I'm doing the things I'm doing, and try to gently explain myself to our mom. </p> <p>How have you gone about setting such boundaries? I'm not really good at maintaining them, so I tend to just cut people out entirely. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/first-time-mom-to-be-vs-experience-moms/page/2#post-2648896 Sun, 06 Nov 2016 20:35:24 +0000 Mrs. Sketchbook 2648896@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@JennyD: in all honesty I've never been able to get someone to change their behavior by continuing my regular behavior. I subscribe to the belief that relationships are self perpetuating systems that tend to repeat themselves. Which means one person has to change in order for the system to change. And since I can't control another person I try to be the one who changes. I try just to make myself comfortable with my own behavior and hope for the best with the other person, if that makes sense. I think we sometimes do things for recognition when in actuality people tend to take people for granted if they are always available. The more you do for certain people, the less likely they are to even realize you're going out of your way to help them. I think of it almost like enabling. So I'm to the point where I do what makes me happy/comfortable regardless of the recognition element, and then I don't have any expectations. I'm really into family systems psychology. It sounds like your mom wants to maintain a relationship with her son and wants to rope you into helping her to maintain it? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/first-time-mom-to-be-vs-experience-moms/page/2#post-2648882 Sun, 06 Nov 2016 19:47:08 +0000 JennyD 2648882@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@lilybean: thanks :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/first-time-mom-to-be-vs-experience-moms/page/2#post-2648881 Sun, 06 Nov 2016 19:45:21 +0000 JennyD 2648881@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Sketchbook: yes! All my life I've been "the bigger person". And while there's something to be said for doing what's right, sometimes there has to be a line. In this case, my brother, sister and I are all adults, and now we've all got kids! It's time for a little more mutual respect for each other's families. I'm starting to feel resentful. I want to have nice relationships with my siblings and I want to help them, but I want something in return. Not much, just a sincere thank you or a tiny effort. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/first-time-mom-to-be-vs-experience-moms#post-2648877 Sun, 06 Nov 2016 19:36:44 +0000 JennyD 2648877@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@looch: why do I care? That's a really good question. I don't think they've been overly appreciative of the stuff, and I think it's a bit disrespectful of my time to be asking for help a week before the shower. That bothers me. </p> <p>After thinking about it more, I can see that my expectations and hers are misaligned. She very likely expects way less than I think is appropriate. So I need to recognize that and adjust. </p> <p>My siblings and I totally keep score. I know it's bad. I guess when I ask for a favour or help, it's typically out of desperation and I am super grateful. So when someone expects something from me, they better be grateful. In short. Like in your response to Mrs. Sketchbook, I am taking something else out on the wrong person. This is really more about my mom and brother than my sister in law. My mom is ultimately forcing a one-sided relationship on me. And I'm chafing under the seemingly relentless expectations after 30 years. 😐 </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/first-time-mom-to-be-vs-experience-moms#post-2648850 Sun, 06 Nov 2016 17:51:04 +0000 lilybean 2648850@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I completely understand what you are saying and where you are coming from.<br /> People can be difficult. Relationships can be hard. And one-sided interactions are way too acceptable for lots of people. </p> <p>Keeping score (being aware) of the differences in a relationship is normal. Having the benefit of hindsight is ironic. And first time moms can be amusing and annoying. I know, I was one once ;) </p> <p>At the end of the day, do what you want to do and do what you feel is right with low expectations. If you want to help, help. If you find it painful or frustrating, don't. </p> <p>Now that I am a mom to a 4 year old and expecting another in June, I have had my experiences with one-sided friendships, keeping track of who did what, and people being generally rude (and justifying it). At this point, I just know my network, vent when I need to, and keeping doing what I feel is right. </p> <p>I have experience with people who are indifferent when it comes to giving, but when it is their turn in the spotlight they need everyone tuned in 100%. I just don't get involved with those people. Kids or no kids, people can be annoying. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/first-time-mom-to-be-vs-experience-moms#post-2648845 Sun, 06 Nov 2016 17:27:33 +0000 Mrs. Sketchbook 2648845@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@looch: I agree with this although i have to ask is the anger the result of the score keeping or of not enforcing a consequence to the score keeping? For example, after I bowed out of being bridesmaid in my SIL's wedding (we were not close, her wedding date was on the due date for a pregnancy I had lost, plus other stuff), I was happy to throw her a shower and could do it without feeling put upon. I think we sometimes don't listen to our anger enough. To me, anger is a tool to let us know we don't feel comfortable. For example, one time i really lost control because my in laws bought way too much stuff for my kid. I lost my temper with them. But the solution wasn't to just swallow my frustration. The correct way to act would have been to talk to them in a non confrontational way. I wonder if the OP could just say to her SIL, sorry I just can't do the shower tasks, but I can't wait to celebrate with you! And leave it at that. Win win so no score to keep. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/first-time-mom-to-be-vs-experience-moms#post-2648834 Sun, 06 Nov 2016 16:28:33 +0000 looch 2648834@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Sketchbook: I can only speak for myself, but when I keep score, I tend to get very angry and I can't let it go, the longer I am tracking, the worse it gets. I also can be very outwardly mean, and it's usually not to the people that actually did anything, it is those that have nothing to do with the behavior, so it doesn't actually accomplish anything. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/first-time-mom-to-be-vs-experience-moms#post-2648832 Sun, 06 Nov 2016 16:24:39 +0000 Mrs. Sketchbook 2648832@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@littlebug: @looch: honestly asking, what's the problem with keeping score? I personally dislike one-sided relationships. I've worked really hard to fix that problem in all my relationships. At first definitely there was some friction. But over time people came to understand me much better and my relationships became more authentic. My relationships are either better or at least more honest. I stopped buying in to some of the behavior in my relationship with my in-laws and we are now pretty cool with each other. In fact I finally broke a stalemate with an abusive parent (my mother) by refusing to be the "bigger person" and pull away from the relationship for a while. She recently got back in contact and now I feel that my decision to set down boundaries was correct because the relationship was just too imbalanced to be mutually beneficial. Sometimes I feel like the "be the bigger person" rule leads women to be outwardly very giving, while inwardly very resentful. I don't think it always ends with smiles all around. Relationships don't typically change unless someone decides to change it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/first-time-mom-to-be-vs-experience-moms#post-2648830 Sun, 06 Nov 2016 16:14:10 +0000 looch 2648830@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Why do you care? Is it because they're not being appreciative enough?</p> <p>I personally didn't want anyone's hand me downs, I know you (generally speaking here) think you did the most research and made the best choices, but things change and people tend to want their own stuff. It's okay, don't worry about it. I would just not give them anything else, if there is anything left to give. I have a 6 year old boy and no one wants the clothes he outgrows, trust me. They're rags.</p> <p>I know it's hard not to keep score, I very much do that too, so I have no advice for you there. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/first-time-mom-to-be-vs-experience-moms#post-2648743 Sun, 06 Nov 2016 12:20:44 +0000 YogiRunner 2648743@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This sounds tough. I'm sorry you don't feel appreciated or respected. But as a recent FTM and trying to read your post objectively, I do think your role right now is just to be there for them and not try to force what you think is helpful. Even if they kick themselves later for not graciously accepting hand me downs or having you host/help with the shower later, right now they're allowed to be a little "clueless" and forge their own path into parenting. Maybe they'll have a giant wake up call or maybe they'll find a way to cope with change in their own way. </p> <p>Family stuff is sooo difficult because there is often some underlying resentment or hurt that has been there for awhile. I've been there, I get it! But maybe this is an opportunity to exercise your own grace and patience and let them learn the lessons they need to on their own time and terms. In the meantime, ask your brother to park down the road at Christmas! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/first-time-mom-to-be-vs-experience-moms#post-2648711 Sun, 06 Nov 2016 10:06:30 +0000 littlebug 2648711@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Well I think the title of your post says it all - "First time mom-to-be VERSUS experience moms." You're viewing it as a competition of who's right and who's wrong and who knows more. As others have said, and you've admitted, you're keeping score. </p> <p>My sister has always been a little selfish. 2 kids later and she's still a little selfish. She drives me crazy with a lot of things that she does. But my kids love her kids, so as much as she might piss me off, I get over it for them. </p> <p>As far as showing up for birthday parties...meh. My BILs haven't come to all of D's parties. Whatever. They're busy. I haven't been to most of my step-brother's kids' parties. You go when you can't, skip it when you have to. If you're feeling an obligation to go (and feel that others are obliged to come to your parties), then I think it's time to reevaluate who you're doing it for. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/first-time-mom-to-be-vs-experience-moms#post-2648706 Sun, 06 Nov 2016 09:54:24 +0000 JennyD 2648706@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Sketchbook: this describes my situation very well. I'm just tired of going back to what I'm already over and past because a younger sibling is doing it. And nobody forced them to have any interest when I did it. </p> <p>I'm happy to do what I can, I know it's hard to have a new baby and big expectations, but if they're not going to put a little more effort in going forward, I'm out. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/first-time-mom-to-be-vs-experience-moms#post-2648703 Sun, 06 Nov 2016 09:46:42 +0000 JennyD 2648703@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@2littlepumpkins: thanks :) I know I'll love their baby. And it's the right thing to do to keep putting in a little effort. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/first-time-mom-to-be-vs-experience-moms#post-2648702 Sun, 06 Nov 2016 09:44:39 +0000 JennyD 2648702@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@oskarsmommy: I agree with you. This kid is gonna be my niece forever, and a cousin to my only child. </p> <p>I'll be present and see what happens. We all get jolted with a new baby. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/first-time-mom-to-be-vs-experience-moms#post-2648566 Sat, 05 Nov 2016 19:48:52 +0000 Mrs. Sketchbook 2648566@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@sapphire: this seems like sn overly harsh response. My experience as the first married and first to have children is that people tend to work out their jitters with your big events, and then expected you to be super put together and old pro when it is time for theirs. It does generate resentment, and typically causes a pattern to develop where the older siblings are viewed as the available and stable ones, which can feel confining and hurtful. I agree with others who say stop giving stuff or offering to help if they aren't appreciative. I disagree with people who take the "water under the bridge" approach because if the cycle n't nipped in the bud, it eventually repeats itself. I do think the OP needs to self assess why she views motherhood as one long slog of obligations and perhaps use some self-care to address that. Part of the self care might include dispensing with unnecessarily stressful family obligations for uninterested family members! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/first-time-mom-to-be-vs-experience-moms#post-2648564 Sat, 05 Nov 2016 19:39:53 +0000 Mrs. Sketchbook 2648564@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I had a similar situation with a wedding. I had been invited to be a part of the wedding party but the relationship I had with the bride (SIL) was strained. It happened around the time I had a miscarriage and she had said some hurtful things (not realizing their significance), plus she had been a pretty thoughtless bridesmaid in my own wedding. I eventually bowed out and it was the right choice. Our relationship has been more honest since then, and I typically don't get roped into superficial obligations on that side of the family anymore. I did throw a shower for her and tried to help a little on wedding day. But all of that was my choice. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/first-time-mom-to-be-vs-experience-moms#post-2648563 Sat, 05 Nov 2016 19:32:41 +0000 2littlepumpkins 2648563@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Also... even though I still roll my eyes occasionally at the parents (less and less so as time goes on) I just love the new little person that entered our lives. I really, truly do. I don't get to see them anywhere near often enough, but I"m glad that baby was born and I still celebrate baby's milestones.. So I hope you get that too. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/first-time-mom-to-be-vs-experience-moms#post-2648561 Sat, 05 Nov 2016 19:31:10 +0000 2littlepumpkins 2648561@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I have family like this. I was still supportive when their baby was born and they were in touch during the tough newborn times and went back to the usual after that. There are some people who are like that about everything, so I feel for you! </p> <p>If I were in your shoes I'd go to the shower and sort of do the minimum stuff but not go out of my way. Some people just are all about them and they're only going to see it through that lens no matter how much you help, or don't. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/first-time-mom-to-be-vs-experience-moms#post-2648557 Sat, 05 Nov 2016 19:17:52 +0000 oskarsmommy 2648557@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Just as perspective, my brother and SIL had their kids first. He asked, and I obliged, for a TON of babysitting help. My brother lives over an hour from me, and I even one time agreed to take a couple days off work to watch their kids. I must have watched them 30-40 days. I also developed a VERY strong bond with their sons. </p> <p>When I had a kid, nope, none of those things were reciprocated. My SIL just does the cordial, awknoledge my son, say hello, but that is it. Even til this day her boys are crawling all over me at family events and she is off pouring herself a glass of wine. </p> <p>I totally keep score in my head - I can't help but feel the imbalance. BUT, we have a long life ahead of us, and I feel like the universe often works itself out. Maybe in 15 years they will provide help in a way I will be forever greatful. </p> <p>Give it time, try not to focus too much on what is fair now, your brother may never say it to you, but I'd bet once his child comes he may self reflect and realize they ways in which he didn't show up for you. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/first-time-mom-to-be-vs-experience-moms#post-2648544 Sat, 05 Nov 2016 19:00:15 +0000 JennyD 2648544@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Ms. RV: I asked them if they wanted the few remaining things we had and they said yes. She's all about saving money! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/first-time-mom-to-be-vs-experience-moms#post-2648543 Sat, 05 Nov 2016 18:59:07 +0000 JennyD 2648543@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@JoyfulKiwi: yeah. It's just taken me a few days to get to this point - where I can let it go and do it because it's the right thing to do and I want to lead by example. And really there could be some awesome opportunities for us all as a larger family now that they're having a kid. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/first-time-mom-to-be-vs-experience-moms#post-2648542 Sat, 05 Nov 2016 18:56:46 +0000 JennyD 2648542@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@KayKay: the main hand me downs were a travel crib/bassinet in excellent condition and an ergo. And some clothes (I totally get the clothes thing) but I asked her and she said she wanted them! Maybe she felt pressured. </p> <p>the baby shower thing is annoying because I offered help months ago and she said no. And now it's the 11th hour and she's disorganized. It's just annoying. Like she has no idea what to do and she doesn't even recognize it. </p>