https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Sat, 16 May 2026 10:15:16 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/for-those-in-non-traditional-families#post-2788350 Thu, 23 Nov 2017 22:23:33 +0000 periwinklebee 2788350@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@gotkimchi: @muffinsmuffins: I think you're definitely right. I was sufficiently shocked - had not interacted with this person before and was not expecting that sort of remark - that I just sort of stood there dumbfounded, and really wish I'd instead had a good response. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/for-those-in-non-traditional-families#post-2788319 Thu, 23 Nov 2017 11:03:53 +0000 muffinsmuffins 2788319@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I agree as well with @gotkimchi. My instinct is to always fly below the radar and not make a scene but since having our son, I've realized that if I encounter any type of racism, homophobia, etc. I need to stick up for myself/our family and call that crap out. I don't want my son to feel ashamed of our family ever, and attitudes towards others like you described happening at work shouldn't be pushed aside. It's uncomfortable to say something for sure, but the person who said that should be the one feeling bad, not you or anyone else calling them out. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/for-those-in-non-traditional-families#post-2788312 Thu, 23 Nov 2017 10:02:39 +0000 gotkimchi 2788312@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@periwinklebee: even if you can’t report him to hr I’ve started responding to people like “that’s incredibly offensive and i won’t tolerate it” it takes practice but people have to know they’re being crazy otherwise they’ll never even think about it </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/for-those-in-non-traditional-families#post-2788307 Thu, 23 Nov 2017 09:35:53 +0000 periwinklebee 2788307@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@PawPrints: @gotkimchi: This guy does not actually work at my company - he's working on a short term visit at another company in the area that we sometimes have interactions with - but he's definitely on my list of people to be aware of... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/for-those-in-non-traditional-families#post-2788304 Thu, 23 Nov 2017 09:09:23 +0000 gotkimchi 2788304@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@PawPrints: I agree. I think the first step is making sure other know this won’t be tolerated. I’m in a interracial marriage with mixed race kids and since having kids I’m much more firm about standing up for our rights. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/for-those-in-non-traditional-families#post-2788270 Wed, 22 Nov 2017 21:26:46 +0000 PawPrints 2788270@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I hope you reported that young male colleague to HR. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/for-those-in-non-traditional-families#post-2788264 Wed, 22 Nov 2017 19:52:04 +0000 periwinklebee 2788264@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@muffinsmuffins: It's so encouraging to hear your story, I'm always inspired by Canadians. I'm sure it's really far from perfect and I know there's large regional variation, but the commitment to diversity I've heard about from people I know there is pretty amazing... </p> <p>@Mrs. Lemon-Lime: Yes to diverse books. And ugh about service vendors. Most are great, but I've also had a few experiences where my jaw practically hit the floor... </p> <p>@Ms. RV: :heart: the phrase "love makes a family." And congrats on the pregnancy!</p> <p>@gingerbebe: I always love your responses, and your church sounds amazing, as does your perspective more generally! My son will have a very "ethnic" sounding last name and I do worry a bit given all the evidence about discrimination based on names, but that's just reality. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/for-those-in-non-traditional-families#post-2788221 Wed, 22 Nov 2017 12:12:38 +0000 gingerbebe 2788221@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I am Asian and DH is white. I realize that our mix isn't the most discriminated combination (sad that there's a ranking system in that regard), but even what weird stuff we HAVE endured (which to me wasn't super horrific), really shocked my husband (hello white privilege). So we try to be pretty proactive about how we deal with our families and communities.</p> <p>DH grew up in a very white, suburban, Republican Midwestern context. I come from a very ethnically closed off enclave-type community with a lot of racism and fear of mingling outside that community. </p> <p>In general, we deal by being proactive and leading the conversation. Meaning, we try very hard to set the tone so that even if someone is ignorant, they are on notice not to say anything dumb. Neither of us allow the other to be disrespected in any context and we correct it - whether its family or socially or whatever. Not one person in either of our extended families, who both have plenty of racists on either side, have ever said anything to our face about our mixed race marriage. Its also bled over to how our children are treated, which is to say, no one has said anything to them about it.</p> <p>That said, we also work hard to ingratiate ourselves to people in our community and in our families. DH eats Korean food almost exclusively around my family, learned how to use chopsticks, learned some Korean to both use with the kids and my family, and he always accepts the weird cultural things my family does that don't really make sense to him. I am a casserole/fluff/jello salad master and have learned all the family recipes and traditions and carry them out to a T. </p> <p>We currently live in a pretty white, pretty conservative semi-rural area. Again, we try to lead the conversation by being good neighbors. We are active participants in our kids' preschool and our church, we try to use local vendors and businesses whenever possible, get to know our neighbors, etc., so that our time and our dollars lead. Even if you're racist or ignorant or whatever, its harder to be a jerk when the object of your ire is kind, generous, and pays their bills on time. </p> <p>For our kids, we try to immerse them in the kindest, most diverse context we can safely provide in our community. They go to a school that is mixed ethnically, racially, and socioeconomically with families that are single parent, dual parent, working parent, SAHP, blended, mixed, and LGBTQ. Their school has kids with different disabilities and special needs as well and they are all treated warmly, kindly, and fairly. The parents range from military officers to lesbian PE teachers to cattle ranchers to winemakers to environmental activists. Every parent and every child is just accepted - it just is. No one questions my kid being mixed race, no one questions the kid with Downs, or the kid with huge hearing aids, or the gluten intolerant child who isn't allowed to use plastics. </p> <p>Our church is also intentionally very multicultural, multiethnic, multigenerational, and has a lot of mixed race families. The range of parishioners goes from MAGA/Trump/Tea Party white farmers to the hippiest dippiest crunchy granola people to African families who bring their own drums to worship service (and piss off the older hymn loving older folks who don't like change). Its wild but we love it because its so maddening and crazy.</p> <p>The school we are planning to send our kids is fairly white (as is the entire area), but has a decent amount of children of color for the area. Granted, it is a private school, so there's obviously privilege involved there. However, a lot of the reason we like the school is because it is a Christian school with a huge emphasis on community service, kindness, respect, and they have a zero tolerance policy on bullying. The families who attend the school are very involved and know each other and I think that's the kind of environment I'd like our kids to be in every day.</p> <p>The media they are exposed to have diverse casts and we have media from different countries that they are exposed to. We listen to music in many languages and we eat a variety of food from many cultures. Diversity is just normal in our life.</p> <p>On the flip side, I have an ethnic name, so when it came to naming our kids, we gave them very strong familiar Biblical names that are easy to spell and pronounce, but with ethnic middle names that are also relatively easy to pronounce and spell in English. We have a very white sounding last name, so overall, the names look and sound very traditional. For DH and I, as lawyers, it had to pass the "would this name sound legit as a Supreme Court Justice?" rule. :grin: </p> <p>I can't protect my kids from everything, but I think if I ingrain in them the need to be kind and polite and respectful to everyone, surround them with positive people in positive contexts, when they DO encounter something inappropriate, they will know its wrong and unkind. And if I can prevent them from being judged or discriminated against in something as easy as their names, then that's great too. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/for-those-in-non-traditional-families#post-2788207 Wed, 22 Nov 2017 10:38:17 +0000 Ms. RV 2788207@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We aren't married. Tons of people made comments about DD being an accident (she was very much tried for) and even think the one I am pregnant now was an accident. I really hope that DD never gets teased for her parents not being married, but in preparation we are teaching her the phrase "love makes a family". </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/for-those-in-non-traditional-families#post-2788196 Wed, 22 Nov 2017 09:26:41 +0000 Mrs. Lemon-Lime 2788196@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Hmm, Just yesterday I had a couple service people (vendors) come over to my house and they had some not quite nice things to say about my neighbors. I didn’t handle it right in that I only told one of them, who I am more familiar with what he said wasn’t nice. The other I just asked a question acknowledging his point. </p> <p>Not quite the same @periwinklebee: in terms of “non-traditional” families, but none the less not all families are going to be made up of white people. I told DH about both comments and he said it just showed how ignorant the people were, but I still failed my neighbors. </p> <p>My son isn’t quite aware of people’s differences and family composition just yet, but I aim to normalize everything in the way I speak about/ point out people. Books and TV programming will be our godsend since we don’t really hang out with other people. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/for-those-in-non-traditional-families#post-2788188 Wed, 22 Nov 2017 08:35:59 +0000 muffinsmuffins 2788188@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We are a LGBT family with two moms. So far, our family has not faced any discriminatory comments thankfully. There are a lot of questions about how we had our son, but mostly these are from people we know and are not intentionally malicious. As the non bio mom, I don't like the fascination with our annonymous donor or people mistakenly calling him 'dad' but we've got a few phrases to correct people if that happens (and it's been less than maybe 5 times) </p> <p>There was one time an old lady asked which one of us was the mom and was highly confused when we said both of us, but other than that it's been fine. Our daycare even made a big thing about changing their separate Mother's Day and Father's Day celebrations into one parents day celebration. We have a few books about diverse families for our son and I plan on making him a book soon about the journey it took to make him so he will always feel comfortable and confident if he ever gets questions or has questions.</p> <p>We live in Canada so we are legally married and both our names are on our sons birth certificates. I feel pretty safe and confident mainly due to this fact because laws back us up like any other family. I realize there are homophobic people everywhere but I generally don't worry about it. I am becoming more and more conscious of our family being different as we get ready to send our son to school next year and leave our little bubble, but I see diverse families everywhere and feel pretty good about the direction our country has gone with respect to minorities. I don't think I would feel that way if we lived in a less tolerant country. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/for-those-in-non-traditional-families#post-2788187 Wed, 22 Nov 2017 08:30:22 +0000 periwinklebee 2788187@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Thanks! I mean all of the above, I know some family arrangement bear the brunt of much more discrimination than others, but there also seem to be parallels to any sort of arrangement that can make people used to the heterosexual, same race, same religion, etc family uncomfortable... </p> <p>That is so sad about parents making threats about books featuring LGBT families :sad: </p> <p>I'm totally expecting the "are they yours" kind of comments, and as you say, much of it is out of curiosity more than malice. In talking to some friends with mixed race kids, it seems like often when the mom is white the assumption is that the kids are adopted, whereas when the mom is darker than the kids the assumption is that she's the nanny... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/for-those-in-non-traditional-families#post-2788185 Wed, 22 Nov 2017 08:19:30 +0000 Anagram 2788185@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@periwinklebee: By "non traditional" are you talking about families that have different ethnicities? different religions? Or LGBT? or all of the above?</p> <p>My husband is originally from another country, isn't Christian, has an accent, English isn't his first language, the works. Our kids are only 4 and 2 but things don't really come up in our daily life so far. I mean, the average american is remarkably ignorant about other countries and cultures, so sometimes people ask dumb questions but I haven't noticed much of a malicious intent, mainly just plain ignorance. We live in a pretty diverse area and I think the racism that people experience where I live is probably the microagression/hidden racism (like making assumptions based on names on a job application) and not so much the outward racism you mentioned. No one has ever said anything to my mixed kiddos that I've been aware of, except I have several times been asked if they are mine when we are in public. But again, this is like a twice a year occurrence, not a daily thing.</p> <p>As far as other type of "non traditional" families--I have no doubt that there is a still along way to go until everyone is accepted and can just live their lives without being bothered. I'm a school librarian and there's always threats from conservative parents about books featuring LGBT families. Sad, but true. Things are slowly changing but there is still a lot of discrimination. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/for-those-in-non-traditional-families#post-2788182 Wed, 22 Nov 2017 06:38:13 +0000 periwinklebee 2788182@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Has it affected your kids? What approaches did you take if others in the community made inappropriate remarks? </p> <p>I live in a community in the northeast that prides itself on being one of the most diverse in the country, along many different lines. But sometimes attitudes are still quite bad. I can't even imagine what it must be like in some places :sad: </p> <p>For example, I had a colleague (who is white with a non-white wife) who's 2 yo son was told by another kid at daycare that his dad wasn't his real dad and dark skin is dirty. :sad: His son was upset about this for a long time, which totally breaks my heart. </p> <p>Another example, not as bad but still... I had a younger male colleague who was airing his views earlier this week about how he doesn't think mothers of young children should work outside the home, not my view but fine. Then he turns to me and says, "if you're going to use childcare, at least make sure it's a black woman so your kid knows she's not his mom." :shocked: Problematic on many levels, but there's definitely a presumption in there that part of the mother-child bond is about looking similar, something that really peeves me as the soon-to-be mother of a mixed race child. </p> <p>And I could go on... </p> <p>I think diverse children's books are one important thing, which we will definitely read. But I'm also just curious about other's experiences... </p>