https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Fri, 10 Apr 2026 21:45:50 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/forced-hugging/page/2#post-2383461 Wed, 09 Dec 2015 19:01:40 +0000 MrsSRS 2383461@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>There's also an order to it, for me. First you teach body autonomy, then you teach politeness that might make you a little uncomfortable but is safe. One lesson starts at toddler age, one in early grade school. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/forced-hugging/page/2#post-2383429 Wed, 09 Dec 2015 18:22:20 +0000 Mrs. Turtle 2383429@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Maysprout: I can't speak for anyone else, but I agree about balancing teaching social norms with respecting and listening to kids. I think there has to be a balance, as just because something is a social norm doesn't mean it works for every person, but there's also value in learning to be polite even if it makes you uncomfortable. Interesting discussion, for sure. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/forced-hugging/page/2#post-2383427 Wed, 09 Dec 2015 18:20:25 +0000 Mrs. Turtle 2383427@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@californiadreams: I can imagine this is so hard in real life. I was talking with my mom about it the other day and she asked if I ever remembered her pushing me into hugging family members. My answer was no, but I definitely got a lot of pressure from grandma and aunts to hug when I wasn't comfortable. I hope to be able to stand up for my kid(s) in the future without offending anyone too much in the process! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/forced-hugging/page/2#post-2383227 Wed, 09 Dec 2015 15:11:51 +0000 Maysprout 2383227@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@2farmmoms: sometimes kids don't want to say hi, sometimes they don't want to hug, that's what happens with kids. Like I said I think its fine to teach them alternatives, Im not trying to say you should yell at your kids for not being affectionate. But listening and respecting their feelings isn't exclusive of teaching them social norms - like granny misses you and is excited to see you, that's why she wanted a hug, if you just want to say hi that's OK too. The article you posted I agree with but some of the responses on the thread were I thought sure to offend people for good reason. I think there's a diff between saying if you don't want to that's OK, and putting it on the other person, which to LO I think implies that there's something inherently wrong or dirty in hugs. And some of the responses in the thread went even farther than that. I don't think teaching social norms in a respectful way at all leads to lo not having self respect. In some cultures handshakes between opposite sexes are considered innappropriate, if that's someone's feeling, that's fine too and I'm not going to force them to shake my hand, but I don't think there's evidence that kids have more self respect in a culture that limits physical touch vs one where the norm is 3 kisses to say hi. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/forced-hugging/page/2#post-2382452 Tue, 08 Dec 2015 23:24:58 +0000 californiadreams 2382452@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>i am in the majority in that i don't believe in forcing LO to give hugs. if he doesn't want to, i suggest blowing a kiss or high five instead. </p> <p>sometimes though i catch myself trying to convince him to give a hug to one of his grandmas when they are leaving after a visit (they live in different cities, so we see them a few times a year) and so i know how happy it would make them to get at least one hug before they go.....but then i feel bad after for trying to convince LO when he originally said no. So i intend to be more respectful of him in the future. this thread (and article posted) has made me more aware that i don't always follow 100% what i believe i should do because of social pressures. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/forced-hugging/page/2#post-2382427 Tue, 08 Dec 2015 22:50:46 +0000 Jess1483 2382427@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I started to respond yesterday, but wasn't able to finish. I haven't read all responses.</p> <p>From as early as it made sense, DS1 has been told he can give people "a hug, a kiss, or a wave." That way if he doesn't feel comfortable with contact, he can choose a wave. I will not force physical contact on my child, but I do expect him to be polite and say hello and goodbye, and acknowledge in some way people's entrance/exit. When relatives (mostly my grandma) are pushy and ask for a hug or kiss, I interject with "yes, DS1, make sure to say goodbye. You can give a hug, a kiss, or a wave." It's so ingrained for him that if someone says "can I have a hug?" he will sometimes respond with a wave. He sometimes even chooses a wave with DH or myself, I think just because he can, because he's actually pretty cuddly.</p> <p>One of the things that's been helpful is emphasizing that now when LO hugs someone, it's genuine and he wants to. My grandma doesn't like it, but I'm unwilling to compromise.</p> <p>DS knows "I'm in charge of my body" and will say it if he's uncomfortable. We've had (a lot of) conversations about how being in charge of his body doesn't mean he's in charge of our house, though... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/forced-hugging/page/2#post-2382371 Tue, 08 Dec 2015 21:36:02 +0000 Mrs. Turtle 2382371@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MrsSRS: No worries! I think it was worth posting twice. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/forced-hugging/page/2#post-2382370 Tue, 08 Dec 2015 21:34:38 +0000 MrsSRS 2382370@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@2farmmoms: oops! Was so focused on the interesting responses I totally forgot, but when I stumbled across it on Facebook I thought of this. My bad. :shocked: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/forced-hugging/page/2#post-2382369 Tue, 08 Dec 2015 21:31:17 +0000 Mrs. Turtle 2382369@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MrsSRS: yes! This is the article I posted in the original post. :wink: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/forced-hugging/page/2#post-2382366 Tue, 08 Dec 2015 21:29:08 +0000 MrsSRS 2382366@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Timely, no?<br /> <a href="http://www.upworthy.com/if-it-feels-weird-to-have-to-force-your-kid-to-hug-their-relatives-theres-a-reason?c=ufb1" rel="nofollow">http://www.upworthy.com/if-it-feels-weird-to-have-to-force-your-kid-to-hug-their-relatives-theres-a-reason?c=ufb1</a> </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/forced-hugging/page/2#post-2382305 Tue, 08 Dec 2015 20:28:25 +0000 Mrs. Turtle 2382305@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This is so fascinating! Thank you all for your replies. I love the discussion this sparked, definitely lots to think about. I've been offline since yesterday morning and am just getting to all the replies!</p> <p>@Maysprout: Hmm, I don't think of it as implying that they are being "rapey," but more that we are teaching our kids to be empowered about their choices regarding their bodies and this is part of that. But to each their own. I'm not planning to tell my family members anything until it comes up, and when it does I hope I will be able to handle is subtly and just let them know that an alternative greeting or goodbye will have to do. I think they'll understand, for the most part.<br /> @Rockies11: GOOD POINT. I hadn't thought about the increased importance in this lesson given the fact that we will have foster kids. Most likely we will foster from infancy, but you never know so it's definitely good to be prepared. I'm interested to hear how our agency handles this in the training and orientation.<br /> @MamaG: Interesting. Coming from my own experience, my reluctance to hug has nothing to do with needing to "warm up." I'm truly uncomfortable with hugging strangers or people I don't know well. But as a kid I was the same way and was never one to offer hugs even once I warmed up, except with my immediate family. Now, I hug all of my relatives when we greet each other and when we say goodbye, but I'm an adult now, I do it because it makes them feel good and it's polite, and it's my choice. It still makes me uncomfortable. I have a cousin who still forces her kids (or at least strongly talks them into) to hug every single person in the room when coming and going from a family event. Her kids are 10 and 12 and the girl seems basically ok with it but the boy is clearly physically uncomfortable and anxious, and I always want to tell him, it's ok, you don't have to hug me! But then I would be accused of being unfriendly. Oh, family drama. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/forced-hugging/page/2#post-2380892 Mon, 07 Dec 2015 18:23:23 +0000 MamaG 2380892@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@daniellemybelle: I'm in the same camp I think. </p> <p>Or maybe I'm truly in the minority here. Our struggle is our family is all several states away. She loves spending time with them. She warms up quickly. But I honestly think she struggles with the goodbye hug because she doesn't want the people to leave. </p> <p>I try to reason with my daughter (she's 4) and let her know that this is her last chance to hug Grandma until the next time she comes which will be xx time away. Grandma won't be at our house tomorrow. We are here at the airport for Grandma to go home. Grandma is also usually teary leaving which I think is hard for our LO to process as well. Grandma always says not to force it. But I want her to understand that when our family leaves we can't change our mind in a few minutes, because they are truly gone and we won't see them for months (possibly a year or more).</p> <p>Also, on the flip side, my daughter wants to hug random people (the fireman in the grocery store yesterday) at random times. I told her she could ask him if he'd like a hug. When he said yes, then she hugged him. I've equated it to petting dogs (weird I know!), but we don't pet dogs without permission and we don't hug people outside of our family without permission either. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/forced-hugging/page/2#post-2380864 Mon, 07 Dec 2015 17:59:34 +0000 gingerbebe 2380864@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>You can words things in a way to invite the would be hugger into the process instead of making them feel like the offender by saying something like "we are in the process of trying to teach him to respect other people's space and boundaries, so a natural consequence of this is the child expressing their own boundaries,<br /> so thanks for helping us with that, I know you mean well." </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/forced-hugging/page/2#post-2380847 Mon, 07 Dec 2015 17:49:39 +0000 daniellemybelle 2380847@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I struggle with this. I feel like it is respectful for children to greet family members and in our families that is with a hug (and sometimes kisses as well). So I have definitely had times when LO's family members "force" hug or kiss her and she is not into it, and it makes me uncomfortable but I also don't want to tell her to NOT do it.</p> <p>At Thanksgiving we tried high fives and blowing kisses as alternatives but when she is not into it, she's not into it, and offering up alternatives just gives her more things to say no to. So we ended up just getting the forced hugs over with quickly, rather than prolonged attempts to get her to greet them in some other way.</p> <p>Edit to add: One reason why I am not too bothered by it or don't want to actively discourage hugging/kissing by relatives is that LO always warms up to them relatively quickly and by the end of the visit she is offering hugs and kisses to the same folks she rejected. So it's not as if she is traumatized by it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/forced-hugging/page/2#post-2380796 Mon, 07 Dec 2015 17:15:17 +0000 Rockies11 2380796@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>It could also be a non-issue based on your kid! While I agree with it in theory, I am not sure I would actually say anything to my ILs because it would cause major major drama. However, my LO does and always has freaked the heck out if anyone tries to touch her except me, unless she has spent tons of engaged time with them. So I just let her freak out, try to get her to say bye, and leave.</p> <p>I also think with foster kids, your training should cover this issue because there is a heightened concern for teaching bodily autonomy where there has been or maybe have been abuse in the past. I think family members would be more receptive to it as well in that case, especially because you have something like training to blame if someone thinks it's rude. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/forced-hugging/page/2#post-2380753 Mon, 07 Dec 2015 16:41:57 +0000 youboots 2380753@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>It's always made me uncomfortable when someone tries to force their kid to hug me when they don't want to. I think a child should be able to say no and be heard and respected as the tiny person they are. Saying hello and goodbye, however, I think is good manners. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/forced-hugging/page/2#post-2380701 Mon, 07 Dec 2015 16:06:00 +0000 HabesBabe 2380701@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Maysprout: thumbs up.</p> <p>In our family, hugging is the norm. The kids have been raised with it since they were born (along with Asian sniff-kisses... a lot more "invasive" than regular family pecks on the cheek) and they will continue to receive hugs and kisses from family anytime they see them. I'm sure once they get older, there will be tons of tween eye-rolling, but it's something they're going to deal with. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/forced-hugging/page/2#post-2380693 Mon, 07 Dec 2015 15:59:40 +0000 Maysprout 2380693@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Even though my kids have grown up cheek kissing to say hello they've both had their moments of getting overtired or just not wanting to and I've seen other kids do the same - kids are kids. </p> <p>But what I'm pretty sure would shock and offend people is if id imply their practice of saying hello was grooming for rape and lack of self confidance. I just can't imagine that going over well with anyone. Im not against alternatives but the wording could probably be less offensive than implying someone trying to say hi is rapey. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/forced-hugging/page/2#post-2380673 Mon, 07 Dec 2015 15:50:44 +0000 mamimami 2380673@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>In the culture where I live, it would be unacceptable not to give a cheek kiss (and sometimes hug) both when saying hello and saying goodbye. In our case I don't think that means my kids' bodies aren't their own. I think that is an interpretation one can choose to assign (or not). </p> <p>Fortunately my kids don't have a problem with meeting those cultural norms. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/forced-hugging#post-2380654 Mon, 07 Dec 2015 15:36:30 +0000 snowjewelz 2380654@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Lemon-Lime: Ohh yeah for sure! I don't really meant it that way for my own kid though.. It's more like when we say bye to family I always put DD's face next to her two cousins (1 boy and 1 girl) and say kiss ___ goodbye! DD is only 1, her girl cousin is also 1, and her older boy cousin is like 2.5. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/forced-hugging#post-2380653 Mon, 07 Dec 2015 15:36:21 +0000 mrs.shinerbock 2380653@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We ask if LO wants to give a hug or blow a kiss. If not, it's not a big deal, but as she is getting older I make sure that we model greeting everyone in the room and ask her to wave if she doesn't want to give a hug. </p> <p>My brother's oldest (15) sometimes doesn't even acknowledge my parents or any of her aunts or uncles when they come visit and it is a huge sore point with my family. We only see them once or twice a year, so no one really expects hugs and kisses, but at the bare minimum we all expect a smile and a hello. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/forced-hugging#post-2380643 Mon, 07 Dec 2015 15:26:16 +0000 Mrs. Lemon-Lime 2380643@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Foodnerd81: yeah, my little cousins are super huggers and lap sitters. At first, I thought it was weird that they just so openly came to me, but I embraced it. Unless a kid is sickly and snotty I won't deny a hug.</p> <p>@snowjewelz: I definitely see making young kids who don't know any better kiss each other as perverted especially if they are the opposite sex. My feelings on this probably stems from the comments that happen after like "aww such and such are boyfriend/ girlfriend" when all they are kids obeying adults. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/forced-hugging#post-2380623 Mon, 07 Dec 2015 15:16:52 +0000 Mamasig 2380623@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Autumnmama79: this is how we see it too. It's part of manners to me. No they don't have to hug and kiss everyone, but they do have to acknowledge them. Most of the time that means a hug or kiss. There have been times the boys protest and squirm and they might not do it. And that's ok at those times. But they do need to learn to say hello and goodbye. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/forced-hugging#post-2380616 Mon, 07 Dec 2015 15:08:48 +0000 mrsrain 2380616@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This has not been an issue yet, but we definitely give DD (1.5 years) some control over her body and want her to feel confident is saying no to physical affection if she's not comfortable with it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/forced-hugging#post-2380593 Mon, 07 Dec 2015 14:57:35 +0000 Mrs. Lemon-Lime 2380593@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Personally I feel weird when parents, friends or family, tell their kids to hug me, so I will for sure pipe up if my kid is not the one iniating the hug. I find that kids when given a fun alternative like a high five or silly pound are much more inclined to seek me out later. Forced hugging is just ick!</p> <p>There are other ways to acknowledge people in the room, which I will teach my child such as saying hello, shaking hands, giving high-fives. While this may not be the desired sign of affection and attention a person may want I will verbalize the options. This way the adult person understands what my child will be prodded to do and no more and for my child to understand those are acceptable forms of affection. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/forced-hugging#post-2380579 Mon, 07 Dec 2015 14:49:32 +0000 gingerbebe 2380579@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Yes culturally in Korean culture we bow (usually just a nod of the head or a deeper from the waist bow if someone is much older) and we will definitely teach that as an obligatory thing because it's a respect thing and it's not touching someone. </p> <p>I think pictures are different from hugging if it's not being held in a stranger's lap or something. This is one of those "bribe with a marshmallow" moment for me but I will warn relatives DS may blow up if they really want to risk it. He's a sensitive type and when he's done, he's done. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/forced-hugging#post-2380545 Mon, 07 Dec 2015 14:30:06 +0000 Mrs. Cheesecake 2380545@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We see immediate and extended family on a consistent basis, but even then DS is not comfortable with everyone. However, when we see each other at parties it is customary to greet everyone, even if that means kissing 50 people when you enter a room. That being said, I know that DS is not an affectionate kid, aside from hugging and kissing me, DH, DD and my parents (whom he sees everyday). So when people try to hug and kiss him he usually runs to me or DH and says, "No." Which I then suggest a high-five or a wave and he complies to that. What is most important is that he politely acknowledges our relatives, not that he has to kiss or hug them. It irks me though when older relatives try to ask for more than the high-five or wave. To that I say, "I think he's just not ready to give a hug or kiss right now - maybe later." Usually that is enough for them. </p> <p>In addition, we are Filipino and in Filipino culture, as a sign of respect, the younger generation has to ask for a blessing from grandparents. This means that they have to bow their forehead and touch the back of the grandparents' hand. This is something we are working on with DS still, but in my opinion this is something he will need to learn and get accustomed to since it is a sign of respect for elders in our culture.</p> <p>DD is barely one year old and really doesn't mind anyone kissing or hugging her so far! We'll see how that changes as she gets older. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/forced-hugging#post-2380469 Mon, 07 Dec 2015 13:56:32 +0000 erinbaderin 2380469@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I had to raise this with my mom last week - she never asks, she just grabs my son and kisses him, and she asked him for a hug, he shook his head, and she grabbed him and hugged him anyway. I just said "We're trying to teach him that he's in charge of who and when he gives he hugs and kisses to, so next time if he says no just give him some time and try again later, ok?" I actually thought she'd be annoyed but she seemed to really get it. We'll see if it sticks but the interaction went better than I thought.</p> <p>For photos, though, I feel like that's a different situation. Everybody has to suck it up and do things they don't feel like doing on a regular basis in their life - I think smiling for two minutes in a family photo is different than being made to give physical affection because you're too little to resist. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/forced-hugging#post-2380457 Mon, 07 Dec 2015 13:50:17 +0000 fancyfunction 2380457@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We/relatives will always ask her -<br /> Can I have a hug/kiss? If she doesn't want to, that totally fine and maybe she'll give a high five or wave. I can already see that she's like me in not being a naturally affectionate/hugging kind of person. She needs to do it on her own terms and people need to be understanding of that. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/forced-hugging#post-2380406 Mon, 07 Dec 2015 13:24:38 +0000 Greentea 2380406@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I ask LO if she wants to give someone a high five. Sometimes she'll say, "a KISS!" but that is her choice. </p>