https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Wed, 22 Apr 2026 02:10:43 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/friend-struggling-with-if#post-2053138 Tue, 03 Feb 2015 21:03:19 +0000 winter_wonder 2053138@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>You are such a sweet friend. I think a care package is a really great idea and will let her know you're thinking of her. IF is so hard :bummed: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/friend-struggling-with-if#post-2053075 Tue, 03 Feb 2015 19:57:04 +0000 Mrs.Pinecone316 2053075@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I will also add, one of the hardest things for me when I hung out with my pregnant friends and friends with kids was that ALL they talked about was... being pregnant and their kids. Just be conscious of that when you have conversations with her, and let her lead in how much she wants to hear about your family life. But having nice girl days where the two of you can just have lunch and get pedicures without a bunch of mommy talk would be most helpful. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/friend-struggling-with-if#post-2053071 Tue, 03 Feb 2015 19:52:19 +0000 Mrs.Pinecone316 2053071@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Have you asked her if she is apart of any online support group? (Such as hellobee, weddingbee, all the apps that have community groups for TTC? ) Really, when I was struggling with infertility before we finally got pregnant there was very little any of my pregnant friends or friends with kids could do for me to make me feel better. The most support I got and most honest I could be was with other women who were going through the same thing and could share those same feelings that I was feeling. I think it is a good start that she is at least open with you- I never wanted to be open to my friends who had no issues getting pregnant. So I think a care package would be very sweet and occasional texts to check in on her and letting her know you are there for her. Sometimes saying less is more, so many times people just say the wrong things that hurt worse just because they don't know what to say. So a simple.. " I am thinking of you and am always here if you need to talk" is enough.</p> <p>I think the best thing for her right now would be you to encourage her to join some kind of online forum for other women dealing with infertility. She will get a wealth of knowledge regarding infertility treatments and support from them. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/friend-struggling-with-if#post-2052864 Tue, 03 Feb 2015 17:10:10 +0000 MaryM 2052864@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@PurplePumps: I completely agree.</p> <p>Only my SIL, mom, and two friends really know. My SIL and mom because they helped me through my MC and I know they can support me how I need it (they don't ask about anything. It's up to me to bring it up if I need to)</p> <p>My two friends also know because of the MC, and because I've mentioned appointments since then. They're both single. Mostly they ask how I am and tell me they're praying for me. That's pretty much my ideal (no advice, no "I can't imagine how HORRIBLE your situation is", etc.)</p> <p>OP: I get what your friend said about her thinking her husband doesn't care. Even if he does care, men are incapable of understanding things in the same way as we do. Mine will forever be strong and try to do whatever will make me happiest, even if he thinks that means never mentioning the baby we lost or allowing ourselves to talk about or focus too much on the baby we want to have. He does not get it, and I'm pretty sure he never will. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/friend-struggling-with-if#post-2052843 Tue, 03 Feb 2015 17:00:12 +0000 PurplePumps 2052843@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Honestly, from my point of view, there is nothing you can say or do. I guess just listen to her and ask about plans for treatment or seeing a specialist? Speaking from how I feel (which really I don't know if it's "normal" and if this is how others feel) but I would avoid encouragement, cause really at this point, you don't believe that "it'll just work out" anymore so hearing it just makes me want to throw something against the wall. But I don't want your pity or sympathy either. Really, this is why I did not tell anyone we were TTC. I didn't want anyone to feel sorry for me, or for them to try to help and be supportive cause, like I said, nothing anyone does or says will help. Only after 2 years did I finally tell 1 other person (who doesnt live in the same state). She asks about it once in a while, and wishes me luck with treatments. And that is just right for me. </p> <p>Maybe have her join here or another site with others who are going through the same thing that can talk about it and what they intend to do about it. It does help to share with others going through the same thing. Sorry, but I don't need to talk this to death to a pregnant friend who would have absolutely no idea what I'm going through except to sit there and nod. I need someone who understands this pain. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/friend-struggling-with-if#post-2052839 Tue, 03 Feb 2015 16:58:47 +0000 MaryM 2052839@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>In that case (since she's shared that with you), I would talk to her about support. See if she's looked for a support group or even just a community online (I say "just" because this is the simplest thing to do...but it can be invaluable!), or maybe suggest she ask her OBGYN or RE if they can recommend a group or individual therapist. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/friend-struggling-with-if#post-2052823 Tue, 03 Feb 2015 16:50:29 +0000 lil owl 2052823@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>She was so sad when I spoke to her... she said she lost all hope, her husband doesn't seem to care anymore and not even her mom shows support.... she said her life lost all meaning.... I'm really scared now... I hope she'll be ok... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/friend-struggling-with-if#post-2052693 Tue, 03 Feb 2015 15:31:54 +0000 Eko 2052693@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>If I had a close friend that wanted to send me a gift, I would have appreciated maybe a nice bottle of booze or going out for a drink. It's nice to have a friend show that they're here to listen to you. I had a close friend send me a card when I was struggling and I really appreciated it. Even though they didn't have any IF struggles, it was nice to have someone be optimistic for you and just say it'll all work out.</p> <p>I would only be put off if someone sent me a gift and I wasn't really that good of friends with them. Or if it was someone that I didn't regularly talk to about it. Wouldn't matter if they were pregnant or not. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/friend-struggling-with-if#post-2052692 Tue, 03 Feb 2015 15:31:15 +0000 ineebee 2052692@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@lil owl: I just want to say that the fact that you're aware of her struggles and want to be careful to do and say things that would be helpful is really, really great. That was the hardest part for me to deal with during my IF struggles - people not understanding or validating my disappointment and sadness. I think just communicating that is doing a lot. And if you want to do something beyond that, I personally would want you to just ask me. </p> <p>If my BFF had pulled me aside, told me that she's heartbroken over my infertility struggles and is at a complete loss as of what to do but wants desperately to show me that she supports me and loves me and asked, "What can I do to show you that?" I would've broken down crying and felt a whole lot better whether or not I had an idea of what I actually wanted her to do. In the end, I myself would've wanted to spend some quality time with her doing fun stuff. </p> <p>But overall, if you haven't already, communicating your exact feelings will go a long way! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/friend-struggling-with-if#post-2052583 Tue, 03 Feb 2015 14:46:57 +0000 MaryM 2052583@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@bluestriped bee: I agree with doing things with her. Sometimes I feel like as soon as my friends have become moms (and there were a TON last year) they bonded more closely with each other and I've lost some touch with them. It's really nice when one is free for a lunch or movie (I'd avoid coffee shops. They tend to have TONS of kids...at least around me)</p> <p>When we're out as groups, the moms tend to clump together and share stories. In most groups, I'm the only non-mom. So the one on one time when we can talk about our own lives and worlds is really valuable. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/friend-struggling-with-if#post-2052574 Tue, 03 Feb 2015 14:43:47 +0000 SugarplumsMom 2052574@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@bluestriped bee: Thanks for the link! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/friend-struggling-with-if#post-2052566 Tue, 03 Feb 2015 14:42:06 +0000 BSB 2052566@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Thank you so much for thinking of her. I think you should think about telling her that. I think sometimes knowing that fertile people are thinking of us can help. Especially, in a world where it can be all about babies. As for the gift, it depends on how she will take it. I know it's hard and we really are on a rollercoaster of emotions. I might love it but it might also be a reminder and make it harder. I would definitely talk to her. Take her aside. Take her to a coffee shop, somewhere that might not have kids or babies around. Tell her that you are thinking of her. Let her vent if she needs it. For me, sometimes I can talk about baby or pregnancy topics, but there are certain topics I avoid as a trigger. </p> <p>Here is a good site on the do's and don't of talking to someone with IF.<br /> <a href="http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/25-things-to-say-and-not-to-say.html" rel="nofollow">http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/25-things-to-say-and-not-to-say.html</a></p> <p>ETA: I helped plan my younger sister's shower recently. The thought of possibly planning it was scary. I was rather emotional but it took me a while to realize that I had to push those emotions out of my head because I wanted to be there for her. The shower went great (stress here and there but looking back, it went well and both my sister and BIL had fun. Success). The day after the shower, my family all met up and I was able to talk about baby and pregnancy stuff. I surprised myself. But the one thing that was hard was when my sister was trying to reach for a plate and her belly rubbed against me. She apologized and said she not used to this belly, but then my other sister started talking about the pregnancy belly. I had to get up to leave the room. I didn't cry or get that upset but I could tell I needed to excuse myself quietly from the conversation. The conversation was over pretty quickly so I came back in the room. Like I said little triggers. It can be different for everyone. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/friend-struggling-with-if#post-2052540 Tue, 03 Feb 2015 14:35:07 +0000 MaryM 2052540@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>From my own personal perspective (I've just reached the one year mark too), I don't know that there is anything you, as a fertile person, can do to make her feel any better.</p> <p>I think being aware of her feelings is amazing, and you should do that. But I'm pretty sure I'd be put off by anyone (even if I love them!) giving me something TTC related when they have a child/children. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/friend-struggling-with-if#post-2052529 Tue, 03 Feb 2015 14:31:09 +0000 lil owl 2052529@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I desperately need advice: my friend is struggling with IF and she's so sad and disappointed this cycle as it marks the one year of their TTC journey..... She feels like she'll never get a baby of her own, like everyone around her is pregnant or with a baby... And I'm no exception, I have a beautiful DS and am 13 weeks pregnant. It is difficult for her with her friends as they don't acknowledge the struggle and her feelings, I try to do my best but it was more like 5 month for us to get our BFPs and that was hard enough. I want to help her! I really do but I'm so lost! Of course everything I say seems wrong because I'll be having my second and shes not pregnant. </p> <p>So I thought maybe I could give her some kind of “care” package? Some relaxing bath and chocolates of some kind or stuff like that? Maybe something TTC related so she feels supported? Or would that be counterproductive? I don't want to remind her and hurt her even more, but I'd like to show her my support by doing something and not just trying to talk to her.... I'm so lost. She's such a good person and she will be the best mother. I don't want her to suffer.<br /> What can I do? </p>