https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Tue, 05 May 2026 20:01:28 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-differences-in-parenting-styles-w-dh#post-1101066 Fri, 20 Sep 2013 12:14:16 +0000 JoyfulKiwi 1101066@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@grizz: It's annoying that the pediatrician told him that! But I think my rebuttal to "Oh, that's just the hippie books" would be to have him bring me some research *he* found from non-hippie books and then maybe we could talk. It's so frustrating to be outright dismissed like that. Espion put some links in her early childhood development thread that might be helpful for you. Hopefully you can praise his Ergo/singing moment the other day and use that as a springboard for more conversation. </p> <p>Another thought I had about this was that it bothers me when people label things as "attachment parenting" or "hippie stuff". I agree with a lot of what you are wanting your husband to do, but I don't think I'm an attachment parent. I'm a mindful parent - I don't do just what the books say. I gather information, consider what I've learned, weigh it with what I know about my family &amp; child, and then make a conscientious decision to apply something. I do things that a respectful to my son as a small person, who has thoughts &amp; feelings even though he can't communicate them. I feel like your husband is making it a parent vs. parent, right vs. wrong issue, rather than taking the "what works for our child" approach. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-differences-in-parenting-styles-w-dh#post-1101049 Fri, 20 Sep 2013 12:09:21 +0000 plantains 1101049@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@grizz: In some ways, I kind of agree with your DH on a few things. Not on the CIO, 2 weeks is waaaaaay to early for that, but I don't see why a tiny baby can't hang out in the baby gym for 30 mins. I personally have a bit of a negative association with AP because I feel liek a lot of it is over the top, unnecessary and very much of the moment trediness so I can understand where he is coming from to an extent.</p> <p>This isn't to say that your way is wrong, just that even people who have done the research and are immersed in it all the time might not view it as the best way. Perhaps you could pick a couple of battles that are really important to you and meet him in the middle? For example, maybe no CIO but it is okay if he doesn't babywear all the time. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-differences-in-parenting-styles-w-dh#post-1101048 Fri, 20 Sep 2013 12:08:11 +0000 Happygal 1101048@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would be pretty displeased with that doctor if I were you! To use the words "skew towards AP" makes it sound like that book is inaccurate or unfair. AP is a choice that's not for everyone, but it's not wrong, either. Him saying those things is also more divisive than helpful, setting on person up to be right and the other wrong. Saying you need to chill out and that it's just your PPD at work is like petting you and saying, "Don't you worry your pretty little head." </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-differences-in-parenting-styles-w-dh#post-1101033 Fri, 20 Sep 2013 12:03:52 +0000 JoJoGirl 1101033@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrbee: That's actually a helpful piece of advice - DH and I have gotten into many arguments about this point; I do the research and decide what's best and update him. He hates that. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-differences-in-parenting-styles-w-dh#post-1101022 Fri, 20 Sep 2013 12:01:55 +0000 mrbee 1101022@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@grizz: it sounds like your husband is not being very flexible, and that would be really hard for me too!</p> <p>I did want to weigh in and share something I've noticed with a lot of my guy friends. Sometimes when your partner does a lot of reading and reaches a conclusion on their own, it can be tough to just accept that when you haven't done the same research in parallel. It's especially tricky when you skew towards learning by experience, rather than learning from the written word.</p> <p>In those situations, I think it can be helpful to allow your partner to try out some of their theories and to learn from their experience. If the experience doesn't go well, they just might be more open to alternatives like the ones that you've proposed? If the experience goes well, and maybe his ideas might be worth exploring for your little one...</p> <p>Just a thought! Hope things go better in the future and you guys are able to figure out a joint parenting style that works for both of you!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-differences-in-parenting-styles-w-dh#post-1100985 Fri, 20 Sep 2013 11:52:20 +0000 JoJoGirl 1100985@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@grizz: Oh god. I was with you up until "ppd is a result of...". Hellz no. Disagreeing on parenting styles is one thing. "Blaming" PPD on yours is totally unacceptable. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-differences-in-parenting-styles-w-dh#post-1100963 Fri, 20 Sep 2013 11:44:49 +0000 Boheme 1100963@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I came home to him wearing C in the Ergo and singing to him while he got some chores done, so that's a positive development :) But our pedi told him I need to chill out and that what he's doing is fine, which surprises me. He told DH that I'm only reading Sears-type studies that skew toward AP, so now DH feels justified in disagreeing saying 'You read that in one of your hippie books.' He has also decided my PPD is a result of 'making things hard on myself' i.e., following AP principles or the other methods that work for me. Infuriating.</p> <p>@Espion: I think you hit the nail on the head. He's a police officer, so it is very hard for him to let go of the regimented quasi-military mindset. The disruption of our formerly streamlined schedule, cleaning system, budget, etc is tough for him to swallow. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-differences-in-parenting-styles-w-dh#post-1100037 Fri, 20 Sep 2013 00:27:47 +0000 Espion 1100037@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@grizz: My DH is home with E for the time being, and it is tough on him because he can't (or hasn't figured out how to) soothe E quite the same way I can. It is frustrating for him and frustrating for the baby. I'm not sure what I'm doing different (other than having boobs), because DH, for the most part, carries, shushes, reads, baby wears and generally tries every trick in the book to get E to settle. I wonder if this is borne out of the same frustration?<br /> I know my DH didn't understand until now how much work a baby truly is. Now he understands that he can't get anything done, because E wants to be held all day. Perhaps it is that sudden lack of moment to moment "freedom" that is bothering your DH? (Like, he thought he could watch the baby and still do his own thing during the day?) After the gauntlet of maternity leave, we all know it doesn't play that way, but, in all honesty, it was a revelation to my DH. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-differences-in-parenting-styles-w-dh#post-1099984 Thu, 19 Sep 2013 23:09:26 +0000 StbHisMrs 1099984@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@grizz: That sounds incredibly similar to my husband. He thinks I ruined our 2 year old for not letting her CIO and self soothe at a young age. He also wants our 5 week old to CIO and wanted her to at 2,3, and 4 weeks. I told him he was insane. We butt heads all the time on parenting styles, it's a constant argument between us. I can't offer any suggestions, you've gotten great advice. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-differences-in-parenting-styles-w-dh#post-1099978 Thu, 19 Sep 2013 22:58:30 +0000 MrsMccarthy 1099978@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@grizz: except for the spanking part this could be me! In the end I win because I'm the one who does most of the actual parenting tasks but it can still be a struggle. My husban is convinced often that things are good for my son like crying an frustration. It really bothers me because its not like he can communicate well yet and until then I feel like its just him being lazy or strict. He is also just like your husband and seems to have this cornucopia of random knowledge about child rearing but meanwhile he ha never picked up a book or read any article I don't send him! Meanwhile I have read almost everything out there. </p> <p>I suggest that you sit down with him at some point when you have time and draw up a good compromise, what worked for me was telling my husband where I was flexible and where I wasn't. CIO is unacceptable to me for example, but I am okay with 5-10 min jags of crying so long as they aren't frequent or murderous cries. I also told him I am fine with side caring the crib if he wants LO to sleep in the crib but I want to be close to him and I believe in co bedding. I hope you gust can find a system that works for you both. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-differences-in-parenting-styles-w-dh#post-1099972 Thu, 19 Sep 2013 22:55:27 +0000 yoursilverlining 1099972@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@grizz: people more often than not repeat what they learned as a child...even if they say that what they experienced was negative, people gravitate to what they know. So, I don't think it's surprising that your husband is repeating familiar behavior, even if he doesn't like the behavior he experienced as a child.</p> <p>I would present an array of options - but be willing to be upfront that he is doing what his parents did. Have you told him that, clearly? I would also try to work towards the middle - that seems a better approach generally than "here, do it my way" (I know you wouldn't say it like that, but YKWIM). </p> <p>You cannot spoil a newborn, or make them a "sissy" (whatever he meant by that). A newborn has some basic needs which need to be met. They need food, they need comfort. The other building blocks come after. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-differences-in-parenting-styles-w-dh#post-1099968 Thu, 19 Sep 2013 22:47:26 +0000 Anagram 1099968@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@grizz: well, CIO at two weeks is plain crazy and I think all pediatricians would tell him that. That's a good way for a baby to not gain enough weight (besides the potential emotional effects).</p> <p>But I let my LO stare at her crib mobile for 20-30 minutes while I shower, dry hair and change on a fairly regular basis because I know where she is and that she's safe. I mean,, her crib is in my room so i can see her while i get ready. She loves it and just hangs out there staring and kicking her arms and legs. </p> <p>Does he go with you to Ped appointments, so you can ask these question and have him hear the answer from the "expert" and not you? For whatever reason, men often have to get information from someone other than their spouses before they will believe it (pride maybe? Who knows?).</p> <p>This sounds like a really sucky situation. Counseling? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-differences-in-parenting-styles-w-dh#post-1099961 Thu, 19 Sep 2013 22:40:15 +0000 Boheme 1099961@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Anagram: He wanted to sleep train with CIO at 2 weeks old and thinks its fine to leave DS alone playing in his activity gym for his entire awake time (30 minutes +). It makes me incredibly upset because now I don't trust him alone with DS. </p> <p>He talks all the time about how lonely he was as a kid, and how his parents were way too strict with discipline... But he seems to be doing the same thing. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-differences-in-parenting-styles-w-dh#post-1099960 Thu, 19 Sep 2013 22:35:19 +0000 Boheme 1099960@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Elderberrygin: He is! Great resources - thank you! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-differences-in-parenting-styles-w-dh#post-1099959 Thu, 19 Sep 2013 22:34:50 +0000 Boheme 1099959@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@hilsy85: He keeps saying I'm going to make C clingy, or a sissy, or spoiled, etc etc. I have no clue why it's such an issue when the methods I use are successful and his aren't. I feel like he thinks this way because he has zero experience with kids and he's an only child whose parents were really hard on him. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-differences-in-parenting-styles-w-dh#post-1099954 Thu, 19 Sep 2013 22:30:28 +0000 Anagram 1099954@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@grizz: crying it out no matter how young, as in the week you guys came home from the hospital, he wanted your baby to sleep through the night? And when you say he wants your baby to play alone with long periods of wake times for 30 minutes, do you mean he wants your LO to be awake for 30 minutes or to play alone for 30 minutes? Just trying to get a clear picture of your husband's parenting ideas and if they are just different from yours or if they are harmful.</p> <p>Parenting in the newborn stage is demanding and HARD. And parents are never going to 100% agree on how to parent their children, plus sleep deprivation makes everyone crabby. My husband and I have butted heads in many things since our 9 week old has been born. But at the end of the day, I have to remind myself that I'm glad my husband is involved enough to have an opinion and not make me do all the parenting, like some of my friends' husbands.</p> <p>And sometimes, despite the fact that it goes against current trends and he didnt read it in a book or HB, he turns out to be right. For example, recently we've been taking our baby to an occupational therapist who has been working on her tight jaw and neck that makes her latch awful. She said we should be 1oo% be doing paced feeding from a bottle if we bottle feed. I've read so much here and on Kellymom about paced feelings, I began to do that even though it seemed our baby was eating less that way. He refused to do it, and prefers to feed her while she is lying back in a pillow. We went round and round about the bottle feeding issue, with me presenting all the websites in the world and him resisting and insisting our baby eats better lying down. </p> <p>Then we took her for her 2 month appt and found she'd dropped in percentile in weight. Then, I started tracking her oz a day again and only bottle feeding and LO and behold--- he was right!!! She was eating far less (and not enough for her age and size) when I did paced feelings. It she was eating just enough (on the low end of normal, so not overheating) laying down to eat, and she was less fussy.</p> <p>So in spite of all the research and experts bing in my side...when it came to our unique LO--- he was right! And now I let him feed her any way he wants, so long as she eats! (Seriously, she had some days where she only had 17 oz all day and a low point where she only took in only 14 oz when she weighs 10 lbs, 10 oz).</p> <p>So, try occasionally To meet him in the middle. You may be surprised, and he may be more willing to try your way, too. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-differences-in-parenting-styles-w-dh#post-1099946 Thu, 19 Sep 2013 22:14:32 +0000 hummusgirl 1099946@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I agree with @cole on suggesting he sign up for weekly emails. My husband did BabyCenter and he would read them more often than I did. </p> <p>The book "Positive Discipline: The First 3 Years" (<a href="http://www.amazon.com/Positive-Discipline-Toddler-Laying-Foundation-Confident/dp/0307341593" rel="nofollow">http://www.amazon.com/Positive-Discipline-Toddler-Laying-Foundation-Confident/dp/0307341593</a>) was also really helpful in understanding what's going on in babies' brains in the first year - how they need to develop trust and confidence which happens through parental attentiveness to their needs, and that it's the parents' responsibility to make sure they have age-appropriate expectations around "discipline" (which they say sounds harsh but really just means "teaching"). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-differences-in-parenting-styles-w-dh#post-1099912 Thu, 19 Sep 2013 21:54:29 +0000 hilsy85 1099912@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Is it an issue because what' youre doing isn't working? Or because you're unhappy with how it's going? Or because he's unable to replicate the same thing? Because those are all legitimate concerns. </p> <p>If he's upset because he just thinks that his way is right, then that's a different story. I would try to uncover WHY he feels like those methods are better than the ones you're using (successfully I would assume?), and if you are successful with you rmethods, why he feels that anything needs to change. Where does he get these ideas from--is it how he was raised? how he read babies "should" be treated? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-differences-in-parenting-styles-w-dh#post-1099906 Thu, 19 Sep 2013 21:48:50 +0000 Elderberrygin 1099906@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Tough situation. I hope you can find some common ground.</p> <p>Is he a more science/facts based person? If so, I would recommend the book "Bright from the Start," especially the chapters on bonding. It could be a good way to present the attachment parenting parenting modes in an evidence-based way to him. I also like <a href="http://www.parentingscience.com/" rel="nofollow">http://www.parentingscience.com/</a> for evidence-based attachment parenting resources.</p> <p>Good luck! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-differences-in-parenting-styles-w-dh#post-1099636 Thu, 19 Sep 2013 20:15:14 +0000 JoyfulKiwi 1099636@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Some of the things my husband wanted to do that made me say WTF came from a lack of education. It helped when I explained the research I'd done, etc. I think it also helped that I found places to compromise. Letting my husband feed F a French fry at 8 months off-sets my request that he doesn't tell F he's "faking" when he cries. I've started trying to figure out what's most important to me about parenting &amp; focusing on that regarding us being on the same page. </p> <p>Your situation sounds a little more extreme, but I think an honest conversation(s) could help. Have research/articles/studies available for him, like Espion's video. Choose just 1 or 2 big things to tackle together &amp; ask him why he's so afraid of spoiling your son. I bet he has some reasons and maybe he doesn't even realize what they are. </p> <p>Good luck - I bet you can find a happy parenting place! :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-differences-in-parenting-styles-w-dh#post-1099625 Thu, 19 Sep 2013 20:10:45 +0000 MamaG 1099625@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Sorry!</p> <p>All I can say is that I had to learn that DH and I have different methods. I try to be gentle about my advice and typically wait for his methods not to work and his frustrations to be starting. It seems that's when he's most willing to listen and take my advice. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-differences-in-parenting-styles-w-dh#post-1099574 Thu, 19 Sep 2013 19:57:51 +0000 wheres_c 1099574@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I agree with @scg00387. I like to send my FI articles via mail, then discuss them later. We've also compromised a little as LO gets older........I've realized crying for about 5 minutes *does* help B go to sleep, FI realizes that if B is still crying after 5 min, then he "needs" something and goes to get him.</p> <p>As LO gets older, he will start to have more independent play, and you'll see it will be good for him.....i would say this changed around 6mo. but I remember at 3months, LO couldn't play alone, yet FI wanted him to.</p> <p>Anyway, I think it's good to keep communication open, but in my case it seemed to resolve itself as LO got older... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-differences-in-parenting-styles-w-dh#post-1099541 Thu, 19 Sep 2013 19:52:13 +0000 pastemoo 1099541@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@grizz: Sounds like me and my husband. We discuss often... and sometimes it's just "you don't want to do it, so I will do it, but I will do it my way." And sometimes we have some really difficult conversations and make compromises.</p> <p>But to be honest, I do most of the parenting and by doing that, I get to choose how it is mostly done.</p> <p>I also ask him to show support for his ideas when I find them so repulsive that I can't have a sane conversation about them. Usually he can't find it (or is too lazy to look) and then I show him support for other idea... that helps. But most of it only helps because he'd rather do less than have his way. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-differences-in-parenting-styles-w-dh#post-1099498 Thu, 19 Sep 2013 19:42:53 +0000 MamaMoose 1099498@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm sorry you guys are on such different pages. I'm going to play devil's advocate because I think most people on hellobee lean towards AP but that doesn't mean it's the best option for everyone, so give your husband a chance to give his reasons. For example, I'm not a huge fan of lots of baby wearing because my LO is in day care and I don't want her to get used to being held all the time because day care can't meet that need. So people certainly having legitimate reasons why they don't agree with aspects of AP. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-differences-in-parenting-styles-w-dh#post-1099425 Thu, 19 Sep 2013 19:23:56 +0000 immabeetoo 1099425@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@grizz: That sounds super frustrating. While DH and I are definitely not on such opposite ends, when we're talking about something I think it helps if I email him an article or ask him to read a passage of a book and ask to talk about it later - he digests during the day and we chat. Hope you can come to a middle ground. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-differences-in-parenting-styles-w-dh#post-1099334 Thu, 19 Sep 2013 19:00:46 +0000 Silva 1099334@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Would he be willing to read any of the books? Maybe you could mark out important sections (rather than just throwing sears' whole baby book at him :wink: ). I'm a big believer in alone time to talk, too, so maybe you can get a babysitter for an hour and go out for breakfast or something.<br /> Hope you can find some middle ground, and sorry its tough right now </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-differences-in-parenting-styles-w-dh#post-1099322 Thu, 19 Sep 2013 18:58:48 +0000 Rubies 1099322@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm so sorry - that sounds so frustrating. I hope your chat this weekend goes well! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-differences-in-parenting-styles-w-dh#post-1099313 Thu, 19 Sep 2013 18:56:46 +0000 Cole 1099313@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I am sorry, that sounds frustrating! I have a dear friend who has been dealing with a similar situation and it has been rough for her. </p> <p>Would it be possible to find a parenting class that you might be able to attend together? Some of my local hospitals offer different workshops that might be helpful. One thing that has helped with my friend is to explain that she researched her choice and thinks it is a good option because X and asks that they both try that technique for two weeks to see if it works for them and then reevaluate. </p> <p>I think articles or short bits of books you like might be worth sharing with him too. Would he be ok with signing up for one of those weekly emails with what your baby is up to? I know a bunch of dads who have said those emails really helped them get the hang of being a dad because they had no clue what to expect or what to do with their baby. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-differences-in-parenting-styles-w-dh#post-1099302 Thu, 19 Sep 2013 18:55:21 +0000 turkeylurkey 1099302@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We differ about things down the road but right now at 9 months we are somewhat the same. I will say this my peditrician was great at telling us along the way that we could still baby him etc. so you might consider that as an option. When you go for check ups ask what they recommend for sleeping etc. for sure being open with him will help and trying to compromise. For example give it XX amount of time before we go in and rock the baby. Just throwing ideas out for you. Hope you both can work on it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-differences-in-parenting-styles-w-dh#post-1099285 Thu, 19 Sep 2013 18:51:44 +0000 mrbee 1099285@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Is it possible at all to try and meet in the middle? I would try and find little things that he's doing that you could adapt, and hopefully that would encourage him to do the same... </p>