https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Tue, 21 Apr 2026 23:13:02 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-i-cant-do-everything#post-2665209 Wed, 14 Dec 2016 09:29:01 +0000 looch 2665209@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MrsADS: You have to start somewhere, eventually, he can move on to making the list. But if you don't start it, it will just remain as it is, and is that better? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-i-cant-do-everything#post-2665203 Wed, 14 Dec 2016 09:20:56 +0000 MrsADS 2665203@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@anagram that's a good idea. Sometimes I will be at work and he will text me "what do we have for breakfast for M"? (our 15 month old). Like dude - he eats the same thing every day. You're right though, there is an element of "control" lost and I would have to let that go. And it's a learning process for him - it's not going to be the way I would do it. </p> <p>@looch good suggestions too.... although I feel like if I'm still doing all the work of writing the list, keeping track of what we need, etc. that doesn't help me much. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-i-cant-do-everything#post-2665202 Wed, 14 Dec 2016 09:17:09 +0000 looch 2665202@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MrsADS: I transitioned the grocery shopping to my husband. What I learned is that I have to be very specfic, I cannot just write apples on the list, I have to put a specific number otherwise he doesn't know what I need it for or how many I need. Then we do a shop at Costco for large proteins once a month, and we usually do that together, so I have my running list going for that.</p> <p>I also simplify what I prepare for lunches, it's either leftovers from dinner the night before or it is a sandwich. Every once in a while I will make a large pot of something and will portion it out, but I notice I get kind of sick of it by the last days and it ends up in the trash. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-i-cant-do-everything#post-2665198 Wed, 14 Dec 2016 09:09:24 +0000 Anagram 2665198@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MrsADS: I definitely think that it would be a transition period where you probably WOULD have some times where you run out of food--and your husband would have to learn from that. Maybe you could keep a secret stash of work lunches for a week or two until he gets in the shopping groove?</p> <p>The thing is, if you both decide your husband is going to take over a task, you have to relinquish control and let him do it his way. That might mean that he doesn't do some things to your standards. So you kind of have to decide if you want control and you want to do it your way...but then end up feeling overwhelmed. Or if you want him to take over more duties and that means you don't have control over how he does that duty. He may not do it when you want him to, or how you want him to. And you have to be okay with that.</p> <p>As I said earlier, my husband does breakfast every day for the kids. I used to do all meals, so the first couple of months, I would tell him what we have in the fridge and tell him what he could give, like "I just bought strawberries, so you can cut some strawberries and give them with half a banana and 2 frozen mini pancakes". And he never knew what kinds of breakfast things we had in the pantry/fridge. But after a while, I just stopped giving the directions. Does he do breakfast my way? No--he basically only gives 3 things ever--- eggs, cheerios, or oatmeal all with a side of fruit. He never tries pancakes, or waffles, or yogurt, or mini bagels or quiche. But who cares? The kids are fed. I don't have to think about it. And he now knows when we're out of the items he needs to do breakfast and he'll text me that we need eggs, or cereal, or milk.</p> <p>I do dinner and lunches and frankly, I don't want or need his oversight, so I assume he needs autonomy from me about breakfast too. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-i-cant-do-everything#post-2665029 Tue, 13 Dec 2016 18:58:59 +0000 MrsADS 2665029@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@shootingstar I totally agree that giving him ownership of certain things would help with the mental responsibility... I'm just not sure how to get to that point. Like I think if I say okay, you are responsible for grocery shopping from this point... we would just run out of stuff and I would not have anything to eat for lunch for work. But maybe I don't give him enough credit. But that's really what I need. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-i-cant-do-everything#post-2665019 Tue, 13 Dec 2016 18:27:48 +0000 tiramisu 2665019@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@hellobeeboston: @looch: I'd love to hire someone to take care of our yard, but DH likes to do it. I just feel like it takes up unnecessary time. I'll try looking into housecleaners, I know a couple of my coworkers hire someone. </p> <p> @Mrs. Sketchbook: Good point, I think sometimes my husband doesn't step up because I just keep doing it. But when I was on bedrest earlier this year he was forced to do alot more, so I know he is capable. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-i-cant-do-everything#post-2664959 Tue, 13 Dec 2016 16:39:59 +0000 tiramisu 2664959@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Anagram: Kid #2 has totally thrown our routine for a loop! Sometimes I wonder how I thought I was so busy with only 1 kid, but I remember feeling overwhelmed with just her too. I think we need a game plan like you mentioned. I just went back to work from maternity leave last month so we are definitely in an adjustment period. I like your idea of writing DH an email. I think it would help us both be less defensive about it than if I discussed it with him in person. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-i-cant-do-everything#post-2664939 Tue, 13 Dec 2016 15:57:21 +0000 tiramisu 2664939@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@GoGoSnoGirl: Yes that's totally us where we both end up defensive and in a huge fight. So I think I was holding it in and it boiled over into a grouchy hellobee vent post haha. But I do feel better talking to other moms about it and knowing I'm not the only one with a trying to be helpful but somewhat clueless DH. Your crying toddler and wine situation is so something my DH would do too. While it's a nice gesture it doesn't help getting things done. I feel you. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-i-cant-do-everything#post-2664929 Tue, 13 Dec 2016 15:50:18 +0000 tiramisu 2664929@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MrsADS: Hugs mama. I agree the mental responsibility is exhausting! I don't know how to fix it either.. I also feel bad complaining about my husband cause I know he's trying and does help out but if he could take over the mental responsibility that would be a huge weight off my shoulders. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-i-cant-do-everything#post-2664857 Tue, 13 Dec 2016 14:29:46 +0000 Chillybear 2664857@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>my husband is not intuitive at all, he never anticipates things that "need" to be done at the house. Things got a little better after our first was born and I had a sobfest and we decided exactly what jobs he would have to take ownership of.... trash, dinner, clean up, bottle washing, dog care (feeding, walking), outdoor chores. I usually call on my way home and tell him what I was planning for dinner so he can start it and if i need him to start laundry. What's been working for us lately is a shared to-do list on google docs. I highlight the goals for the week and i print one on fridays and we both work off the list getting those odd jobs done. Anything I can do to cut corners.... I recently started ordering my groceries and sending him to go pick them up. At 9m pregnant theres no way i can do the shopping anymore. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-i-cant-do-everything#post-2664831 Tue, 13 Dec 2016 14:08:29 +0000 ShootingStar 2664831@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MrsADS: The best way to combat the mental responsibility thing is to give him ownership of things. There's a lot I mentally juggle for our family too. But now that we have two kids DH has had to step up more. </p> <p>One good example is grocery shopping. It used to be that if he went by himself I'd get a million calls about what kinds of things we normally get and he'd come home with wrong stuff. Then I got pregnant and in the beginning I was so exhausted I needed to nap so he took DS by himself. By the end of pregnancy shopping for an hour was too much for me physically. And now I generally have to deal with the baby while we shop. And so he's pretty much taken it over. He knows what we need and what brands to get and he does better than I do now. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-i-cant-do-everything#post-2664825 Tue, 13 Dec 2016 14:03:58 +0000 ValentineMommy 2664825@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MrsADS: Sing it sister. We are living the same life. The mental responsibility falls solely on my shoulders, in addition to working full time (as breadwinner), paying the bills, being #1 caretaker, keeping on top of everything, cooking, cleaning, laundry.....sigh. It's hard.</p> <p>DH does whatever I ask him to do, but it's the fact that I have to ask all the time that is exhausting, all of which I have communicated to him before. The only things he does without being asked is taking out the trash, and doing the dishes. I wish I could magically just make him more aware. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-i-cant-do-everything#post-2664821 Tue, 13 Dec 2016 13:58:30 +0000 Mrs. Sketchbook 2664821@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Another suggestion in general: my husband and I have business nights in addition to date nights to plan things a few weeks or months in advance. For example we got together a fewweeksago at a sports bar and did all the holiday planning and online shopping. It works superwell for us! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-i-cant-do-everything#post-2664818 Tue, 13 Dec 2016 13:56:57 +0000 catgirl 2664818@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>The mental responsibility that mrsads mentioned is what gets to me. DH is more than willing to help with anything I ask but sometimes it just sucks to have to ask. I SAH so most of the things fall to me, as I agree they should, but there are times I wish DH would just clue in to how much needs to happen. </p> <p>Still trying to figure out the best solution. I can't magically make him more aware. I also can't just stop doing everything because the house would fall apart and I don't think that is fair to DD. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-i-cant-do-everything#post-2664817 Tue, 13 Dec 2016 13:56:35 +0000 Mrs. Sketchbook 2664817@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MrsADS: last year I stopped doing anything for Christmas that relates to his family. This helped tremendously! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-i-cant-do-everything#post-2664814 Tue, 13 Dec 2016 13:53:52 +0000 Mrs. Sketchbook 2664814@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I only read the first few responses so I apologize if this is a repeat, but IMO people respond better to action than words. So instead of saying "hon I need a break!" just schedule one. A lot of times we communicate and it comes across as empty because our words and actions don't match. If we say we are overwhelmed but continue doing all the things, everyone is likely to assume that we actually like doing all the thing and we like to hear ourselves complain. I felt this way so much as a SAHM that I just up and went back to work. In my case it required an overhaul for my husband to get with the program. Now our split is pretty well egalitarian but it took me actually sometimes holding back when I wanted to take action just so that he would figure out how to fill in the blank. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-i-cant-do-everything#post-2664804 Tue, 13 Dec 2016 13:46:01 +0000 GoGoSnoGirl 2664804@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@tiramisu: I feel your pain, mama. DH &amp; I struggle to communicate our needs effectively, b/c somehow we both end up defensive. Even when he's trying to help he doesn't really get just what IS helpful unless I call it out specifically. For example, the other night, while I was stressing over modifying a recipe I was trying to cook &amp; deal with our crying toddler hanging on my legs, he poured me a glass of wine &amp; told me to go sit down and relax. I kinda lost it, unfortunately, telling him I needed help! He didn't get that that is not what I need in that moment when there are a hundred things that need to be done. Me "relaxing" in the middle of chaos isn't going to make me feel better--him taking care of one of the things I'm juggling at that moment is what helps me relax. Eventually, I think we communicated our points of view that night, but it was a crappy Sat evening with the argument, hurt feelings on both sides &amp; stress. :sad: We are still a work in progress. :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-i-cant-do-everything#post-2664713 Tue, 13 Dec 2016 11:28:51 +0000 looch 2664713@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@tiramisu: Is there anything that you can outsource, like a housecleaner? Would that lighten the load, even if it is temporary? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-i-cant-do-everything#post-2664707 Tue, 13 Dec 2016 11:21:57 +0000 Anagram 2664707@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Having kids is hard even when you have a partner that is pulling their weight!</p> <p>My husband does a lot around the house--we really try to split things pretty evenly because we both work. Our schedules are a little staggered, too. I leave at 6:45 am and am home by 4:30 pm. He leaves at 8 am and is home around 7 pm (sometimes earlier or later, usually later).</p> <p>So he basically does morning shift and I do evening shift. And this has been in place ever since we had kiddo #2. But..we went through a big transition period--I actually posted on here. After I went back to work after kid 2, we sat down and came up with this game plan and for me, it worked beautifully. But the first few months, my husband felt overwhelmed with his new responsibilities at home. He finally got a taste of what I'd been doing since kid 1 and he was resentful! I actually posted about it here. Although our split is really equitable, he was suddenly doing a lot more and didn't like it, haha.</p> <p>But now he's used to it and we're in a good groove. And yes, my rule is...no one sits down till we can both sit down. So if he's doing bath time, I'm cleaning up dinner. or vice versa. If one kid goes down really fast but the other parent is still trying to get the second kid asleep, the free parent should be tidying the house. That way, we can both sit down together and veg knowing everything is done.</p> <p>Growing pains--just keep communicating. What it took for me was crafting a long email and letting him read it while I was at work, so he would have time to think about it instead of answering back immediately in a face to face conversation. Before I went back to work after our 2nd, I wrote a list of all my duties and all his duties, and my list was 3x as long as his. I was prepared for a big fight after sending that email, but he actually responded, 'Wow, whoever has list 1 has a really stressful life" (I just sent an email with "list 1" and "list 2" responsibilities. and asked him if he felt like it was balanced). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-i-cant-do-everything#post-2664700 Tue, 13 Dec 2016 11:06:29 +0000 MrsADS 2664700@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Ugh jeez story of my life right now. I feel like I am on the brink of a breakdown. We both work fulltime, we don't have reliable childcare, and I feel like I am responsible for the household things. I mean he helps with certain things. And helps if I ask, like "please wash the sheets today" or "please pick up x at the store". He is great with DS 15 months.</p> <p>But my stress comes from the fact I am still "mentally responsible" for everything. Like, he isn't going to clean the bathrooms or change the sheets on his own. And he'll go to the grocery store for me but he doesn't know what we normally get and what we need so I still have to make the list, review what we have, plan what we will need for the week, etc. So I feel like what he does help with only marginally helps my stress level. </p> <p>We're traveling very far away to see his family for Christmas and I have SO MUCH to do/plan/pack before our trip (shopping, shipping baby stuff to his parents' house, packing, etc) it is insane. Plus did I mention working full time? (Like he said - I will organize the suitcases and bags if you give me a list of what needs to go in the carry ons, what in the checked bag, what in the diaper bag, etc. - really not that helpful since I still have the mental responsibility of making the list, remembering what I need to buy at Target before we leave, etc.!)</p> <p>I am so stressed and exhausted and I don't know how to fix it. I would love if all I had to do was someone give me a list and say "do x,y,z". I have to KEEP the list and stay on top of it. It's so much more work. I don't know how to change this pattern but something needs to change for me. I'm very resentful and beyond burned out.</p> <p>Edited to add: I feel bad fighting/complaining with him about it too much because he does do a lot - he will get up in the middle of the night with DS without being asked or complaining. He washes dishes and sippy cups every night without being asked. If we don't have a babysitter he will stay home with DS while I'm at work and then stay up till 1 or 2am working to catch up without complaining. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-i-cant-do-everything#post-2664568 Tue, 13 Dec 2016 06:12:23 +0000 hellobeeboston 2664568@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Agree with everyone about talking to DH. </p> <p>But also, you have a 2yo and a 7 month old?! That is tough... I would maybe just cut some of the stuff you're doing (if you can). Give yourself a little break with little kids plus working.... me and DH are constantly struggling with the right balance to each feel like we have our own down time which is important! Anyway you can hire a house cleaner for a few months? Even just once a month? Any way to simplify other aspects? It's not forever but at least for a while so you can feel like you can relax too?? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-i-cant-do-everything#post-2664544 Tue, 13 Dec 2016 00:21:42 +0000 ALV91711 2664544@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Yes, definitely tell him what you need help with in the evening and on weekends. Also, take that nap with your kids if you need it. Chores can wait, a happy mom is better than a clean house. DH knows that Saturdays I take a nap when DS does, I don't care if there are chores. </p> <p>DS has a big mommy preference and it goes in waves. It is worse if he is tired or sick. He is better the more time he spends with DH. Partly for this reason twice a week I leave after dinner to go to the gym and run errands until DS is in bed. </p> <p>It is tough but communication with DH is key. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-i-cant-do-everything#post-2664538 Mon, 12 Dec 2016 23:46:14 +0000 Pumpkin Pie 2664538@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'll echo that you just need to ask him to do stuff. Once I learned that, everything was so much better, and eventually my DH started asking if there as anything I wanted him to do. </p> <p>Also, when my toddler would want daddy to play with her and he was tired or working, I would tell her "daddy is really tired, we need to help him. Let's help daddy so he feels better". My DH started saying the same thing and trying to take care of toddler more. "Mommy is really busy and tired right now. Can we help her so she can play with us later?"</p> <p>Our method has been to talk to our toddler as if she understands and repeat, as necessary. She's 2 and I'm pretty impressed at what she understands now. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-i-cant-do-everything#post-2664467 Mon, 12 Dec 2016 18:51:21 +0000 tiramisu 2664467@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Thanks ladies for all the suggestions and empathy! I will try to be more direct instead of fuming on the inside and assuming he can read my mind of all the things I'm thinking of that need to get done. </p> <p>@ShootingStar: I think we need more organized responsibilities like you mentioned. Between 5 and 8pm is so chaotic at our house and we're often all eating separately. Plus he comes home later than us so I've usually fed the 2yr old by that time. I definitely need a better schedule. </p> <p>@psw27: I'm going to tell DH tonight he needs to stay in and help us with bath/bedtime even if DD has a fit. I think since we've been catering to her mommy preference it's just gotten worse and worse so he definitely needs to be more involved to get her to snap out of it. </p> <p>@nana87: That rule sounds great! I hear you, the only time I can get anything done is when LO is asleep and by that point I'm exhausted too. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-i-cant-do-everything#post-2664399 Mon, 12 Dec 2016 15:51:17 +0000 nana87 2664399@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>There was a recent thread that was similar and someone (I think Anagram?) said that she has a rule in her home where nobody sits down until everybody sits down, and I love it! For us, dh works from home, so while he does a lot at home (most of the cooking and laundry, for example), he also has WAY more downtime than I do. We also have mommy preference, so the only time I can do any chores is after lo is asleep and I'm exhausted. He just doesn't seem to see the things piling up around our apartment, and I drive both of us crazy nagging him to clear up his piles or take care of his chores (the laundry in particular never gets done until I point out that lo is out of socks or I'm out of underwear...). What's helped a little is me calling him on it more, and more specifically, like pointing to specific tasks, and also getting him to put 10 mins of "clean up" time on his calendar so at least he's being nagged by something other than me to tackle to mess! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-i-cant-do-everything#post-2664386 Mon, 12 Dec 2016 15:37:10 +0000 psw27 2664386@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I completely understand what you are going through. My DS has a strong mommy preference, but the only way to snap him out of it is to get dad more involved. Luckily my DH gets that. So even if your LO shouts no dad go away for bathtime, I make my DH sit in there too. After a little while I can sneak away and DH can finish up bath while I do other things. I have to say that I would be livid if my husband sat and ate dinner while I got the kids to bed. I would expect him to be washing dishes or doing laundry. Good luck, stand up for yourself! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-i-cant-do-everything#post-2664383 Mon, 12 Dec 2016 15:34:59 +0000 ShootingStar 2664383@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>What works for us is that we both have responsibilities that we own. So in the morning, he gets DS (3y) ready, I get the baby (3m) ready, and DH takes them to school. I also deal with most of the bottle stuff - pumping, filling bottles, freezing, etc. </p> <p>In the evenings I generally cook dinner (or we go out), DH does the dishes. DH does DS's bath and I get the baby ready for bed, or vice versa. Then I nurse the baby and DS comes in for a story. DH then puts him to bed and I deal with the baby. DH also walk the dog and packs lunches.</p> <p>If I need him to do something, I just tell him. I think it also helps to assume your DH has good intentions. He probably thinks he's done his part in the household if you haven't said anything. And personally, I get so maxed out after hours with the kids that when it's naptime, if I want to rest then I rest. The household stuff just has to wait. I'm confused by your dinner routine though - why are you doing bath time while he's relaxing and eating dinner? I'd either move dinner or bath time so you eat together. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-i-cant-do-everything#post-2664381 Mon, 12 Dec 2016 15:31:06 +0000 josina 2664381@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I definitely feel like this at times too, but from DH's standpoint (And he says this) he would like me to just sit on the couch WITH him and relax. But my mind is go-go-go, I have too much to do, and wrapping presents is not his forte, nor is laundry, or dishes, or bathtime lol.<br /> Definitely be more forward with him when you need help. A huge blessing for us has been putting DS to bed an hour earlier so I have more 'free' time. And give yourself a break too and sit on the couch with him some nights. ;) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-i-cant-do-everything#post-2664370 Mon, 12 Dec 2016 15:22:56 +0000 tiramisu 2664370@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@lilyann: You're right, I think I need to be more straightforward with him. I know our communication is really bad right now. Part of it is me and that he doesnt think i like the way he does things so he just wont do it. I need to let things go. Thanks for the advice and letting me know I'm not the only one that needs a break sometimes. :happy: And congratulations on your upcoming baby! </p> <p>@Adira: Yes the mommy preference is so hard and really needs to stop. I think part of it is because my husband works longer hours so my 2 yr old doesn't spend alot of time with him. So when he tries to give her a bath or help get her ready for bed she screams "No Daddy, go out! Mommy only." So then he just kind of gives up and I'm left to wrangle the toddler. I'll try to get him more involved with bath/bedtime so they're both more comfortable. That would definitely make things so much easier if kid care was more 50/50. Its so strange, he says she's better behaved when I'm not home. I know he wants to help and when I was on bedrest he had to do alot of her care. I guess maybe now they've both gotten used to me doing it again. Thanks for sharing. I feel a little calmer after my vent. :happy: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-i-cant-do-everything#post-2664352 Mon, 12 Dec 2016 15:01:23 +0000 snowjewelz 2664352@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I agree @lilyann: that you have to be direct and up front and straight forward (and all the other synonyms lol). Mine isn't that bad, but it's true; sometimes he just doesn't know what I need from him, and is surprised when I've built up resentment. I got a looot better at asking him to do things and lowering my expectations on how things are done after getting pregnant with #2 :silly: </p>