https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Fri, 17 Apr 2026 05:30:55 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-with-preschool-assignment#post-2854955 Mon, 05 Nov 2018 13:19:20 +0000 Mrs. Turtle 2854955@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Pollywog: Definitely more common than we realize, but her time in foster care (and what happened before) is not a story she needs to share in a school classroom unless she chooses to, and she's not old enough to make that decision. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-with-preschool-assignment#post-2854948 Mon, 05 Nov 2018 13:06:42 +0000 Pollywog 2854948@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I remember this assignment as a kindergartener and we had two international adoptees. What Peter's mom did was bring in a photo book of going to get him and bringing him home. He came when he was 6 months or so and we were all impressed he got to ride an airplane.</p> <p>John was older maybe 3. So he brought in 5 photos of him growing up. We were jealous he got to live on an island instead of in our snowy town.</p> <p>Allie was a severe preemie. I remember her photos being so scary and her mom talking about what a fighter she was. Her mom cried when talking to us. </p> <p>I'm only sharing this because out of 22 kids in Mrs. N's class, 4 of us had complicated stories (my mom almost died in childbirth. My birthday wasn't happy either). I think it's more common than we may realize and it's a great way to have a conversation and show how O is special. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-with-preschool-assignment#post-2854947 Mon, 05 Nov 2018 13:06:27 +0000 Mrs. Turtle 2854947@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Lindsay05: It definitely wasn't meant to be hurtful. But there are a lot of things that can be hurtful that were well intended. Does that mean we shouldn't change things? I think it's very similar to the assignments you mentioned assuming a two parent household. I guess I'm struggling to understand that if you remember the sting of those assignments, why not just ask schools to be more inclusive in their language? There's just no good reason to be so specific. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-with-preschool-assignment#post-2854944 Mon, 05 Nov 2018 13:02:05 +0000 Lindsay05 2854944@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I’m torn and do have to agree with @lamariniere. I understand how frustrating it is, I really do. And of course it’s going to be a sensitive issue. It reminds me of all the school projects I had as a child that involved 2 parent households and I only had 1. It stings but you learn to kind of assume it wasn’t meant to be hurtful. I think a gentle reminder about your situation is the right thing to do. ❤️ </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-with-preschool-assignment#post-2854940 Mon, 05 Nov 2018 12:48:12 +0000 Mrs. Turtle 2854940@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Dahlia: Thanks! Agreed. I know there are going to be a lot of these situations going forward for our family, so I might as well start practicing a good response now! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-with-preschool-assignment#post-2854937 Mon, 05 Nov 2018 12:44:44 +0000 Dahlia 2854937@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Turtle: Good for you for pushing back. Families come in all forms and just because something is traditional/done in lots of places doesn't mean it's a good assignment. There are plenty of ways to achieve a similar lesson while being inclusive of everyone. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-with-preschool-assignment#post-2854935 Mon, 05 Nov 2018 12:40:33 +0000 Mrs. Turtle 2854935@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@wrkbrk: Ugh. We haven't run into these yet but we haven't had her in school over mother's or father's day yet, so we will see. They seem to be pretty sensitive to it so far-frequently when DW (whose hair is currently shaved pretty short) picks her up, the kids ask if she's her dad. The teacher has done a good job of patiently explaining that girls can have short hair too, and that she is also O's mom.<br /> @snowjewelz: I agree-before we started this whole foster care/adoption thing I could've made the same mistake. I ended up sending a note because it was too chaotic to talk about it in person at drop off. Hoping it'll be well received.<br /> @muffinsmuffins: Personally, I think we are lucky to have her. I try to avoid using lucky in reference to any of these kids, because they have been through SO much prior to coming to us. If they were lucky, none of that would've happened and their birth parents would've been able to care for them. But I know what you mean. :happy: Good to know that some schools think ahead and choose to be more inclusive to non-traditional families!<br /> @Mama Bird: That might be the case here, although this is a very small, pretty tight knit school, so I'm guessing they get pretty good parent response for things like this. I sent a note this morning because it was impossible to do it during the chaos of drop off. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-with-preschool-assignment#post-2854926 Mon, 05 Nov 2018 12:24:51 +0000 Mama Bird 2854926@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Yeah, this isn't great thinking. At my school, though, lots of parents will just... ignore an assignment like this. Not necessarily for the same reasons as you, sometimes just because many work and forget to rummage around for photos when they get home late at night. Anyway, the teachers don't push for the pics too much - they ask once and that's that. You're right though, saying something is better then just ignoring the assignment. Might save someone else an uncomfortable situation later. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-with-preschool-assignment#post-2854910 Mon, 05 Nov 2018 11:37:36 +0000 muffinsmuffins 2854910@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Turtle: you guys have been through so much and O is so lucky to have you. It is tough and frustrating to navigate these things when it’s just so normal to our, and your, family to have these differences that make our families special.</p> <p> Good for you for standing up and taking the note and hopefully that will make them think about things for the future with other families. We’ve had to correct paperwork that said mom and dad before but luckily haven’t had too many of these issues...now that my son started school I’m prepared for it to happen more but just to give you and @wrkbrk some hope: our sons daycare centre changed their Mother’s Day and Father’s Day celebrations to be parents day open to anyone. We never said anything to them but I know at least one other child was in a single mom situation plus our two mom situation so they took heart of who attended the centre and just changed it to accommodate. Same with the mom and dad specific craft. It was such a small thing that made us and likely others feel recognized, even if it wasn’t directly about us. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-with-preschool-assignment#post-2854877 Mon, 05 Nov 2018 10:22:52 +0000 snowjewelz 2854877@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I absolutely agree you can teach them how to be more inclusive/sensitive! I could have very well done the very same thing without thinking, and that is totally on me. I would have loved to have someone tell me if I was not being inclusive so I can correct it going forward. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-with-preschool-assignment#post-2854873 Mon, 05 Nov 2018 10:18:40 +0000 wrkbrk 2854873@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Turtle: Could not agree more. I am constantly surprised how NOT tuned in our son's school is - dads and donuts days, bring in picture of your dads, etc. Can they just say "special person day?" Bring in several FAMILY photos? Anyway. I sympathize. I am glad you are enlightening this teacher. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-with-preschool-assignment#post-2854869 Mon, 05 Nov 2018 10:08:40 +0000 Mrs. Turtle 2854869@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Iced Tea: Even better. I'll take this with me this morning. </p> <p>@looch: That's my plan this morning. Along with homemade cupcakes for the class (they specifically request sugary treats). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-with-preschool-assignment#post-2854868 Mon, 05 Nov 2018 10:06:33 +0000 Mrs. Turtle 2854868@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@lamariniere: I know it's fairly typical and I know it's a standard form they give all kids. That's kind of my point, is that they need to recognize that families are different and an assignment this specific isn't going to fit for a lot of families and could be hurtful for some. I'm not the only person who feels this way. These assignments, and family tree assignments like the one you describe, are an added source of trauma for some kids. If we don't have to do that to them, why do it? There are good alternatives. And with all due respect, I'm sorry about your mom, but a known grandmother who died isn't quite the same as an entire side of the bio family that we know absolutely nothing about. </p> <p>@muffinsmuffins: Thank you. We have the two moms issue as well, just to make things more complicated. And the transracial issue. 😂 I'm ok with the birth photo in our case. Sadly, she looks far healthier and more "normal" at birth than she did when she was placed with us. </p> <p>@erinbaderin: Yep. Exactly. If people say a thing is hurtful, it is generally a good idea to listen. Why hurt if we don't have to? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-with-preschool-assignment#post-2854867 Mon, 05 Nov 2018 10:06:11 +0000 looch 2854867@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My view is that if you want something to change, you have to make it easy for the people that have to execute it. Should they do it on their own, yes, but they haven't, so I would take matters into my own hands with a note and some suggestions on wording. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-with-preschool-assignment#post-2854866 Mon, 05 Nov 2018 10:02:13 +0000 Iced Tea 2854866@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>It could read instead:</p> <p>Please send a handful of photos showing the student's growth over time. We will use them for a poster project celebrating their birthday. </p> <p>This wording<br /> 1. Doesn't state "your child", since that's not always the case<br /> 2. Doesn't require particular spacing of photos, but still accomplishes the point of showing growth over time. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-with-preschool-assignment#post-2854844 Mon, 05 Nov 2018 08:27:33 +0000 erinbaderin 2854844@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@lamariniere: I think the point is that it doesn't NEED to be a fairly typical assignment, and in today's society, where families are made up all sorts of ways, it would be valuable to put some thought into adapting this, and other activities like this, to be more inclusive. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-with-preschool-assignment#post-2854840 Mon, 05 Nov 2018 07:23:52 +0000 muffinsmuffins 2854840@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would absolutely send a note. Whether it’s a traditional assignment as someone else said or not, families come in all different forms and ESPECIALLY if they are aware of your child’s history, they could stand to update the words while still maintaining the point of the assignment. It’s 2018 people! </p> <p>Not the same situation, but both our sons were born from ivf with anonymous donor sperm and we are two moms. We have always stated that some families have two moms, two dads, mom and dad, etc and have several books that introduce that in an easy way so it’s normal for my older. I have no issue explaining how they came to exist but I don’t think parents need to be pushed to turn it into this big thing for a silly assignment when it’s so easy to just make it a bit more vague. I want my sons to be proud of who they are and to know their history and make it normal for them, as I’m sure you will. But at preschool age, a little more empathy could have gone a long way.</p> <p>Also I would totally send the pictures you think are most important as a bit of a message to the school as well and not feel bad about that. I bet your daughter might not notice. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-with-preschool-assignment#post-2854829 Mon, 05 Nov 2018 04:39:11 +0000 lamariniere 2854829@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I’m not trying to be insensitive at all and I can tell by the tone of your post that you are upset about this. But this is a fairly typical Montessori birthday celebration tradition to show how kids have grown. My LOs did it in daycare and my younger one does it in preschool. These types of things are bound to come up for all sorts of situations as time goes on. For O, I would focus on how lucky she is to be so loved by a wonderful family. Her past is her past and it doesn’t have to define her and she doesn’t need to be ashamed of it. Obviously, this is a concept that can grow over time with her and probably not something that has to be discussed in detail at this age. If I were in your position, I would send the photos you want to send and just add a brief and polite note to the teacher reminding them of her history and why you chose different photos than the requested ones. And again, I’m really not trying to be insensitive, it’s probably just the standard paper the teacher gives to every kid in preparation for their birthday. </p> <p>This isn’t quite the same, but my 4yo’s preschool class did a family tree project and asked for photos of all grandparents, parents, and siblings. My mom is dead and my DD knows that, and we didn’t send a pic of her. I don’t know if they discussed death or divorce or absence in the case of siblings, parents, etc. who didn’t have photos. My point is, life happens, no family is perfect. It’s ok if we don’t fit a mold and we can find creative and positive ways to deal with adversity. :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-with-preschool-assignment#post-2854828 Mon, 05 Nov 2018 02:35:33 +0000 Mrs. Turtle 2854828@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@ChiCalGoBee: Oh I totally agree they have good intentions. But they know she's in foster care and should've thought twice about this. Yes, I could bring a different photo but, 1. She did not look healthy when we first got her and 2. That singles her out even more as the only kid without a birth photo. Exactly what I'd rather avoid. That's why I'm sending her with the birth photo.<br /> @2littlepumpkins: Agreed, there is nothing wrong with their intentions and I know what they're trying to do. But I'd imagine they could find other ways to teach about growth without unintentionally singling out kids with complicated histories. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-with-preschool-assignment#post-2854824 Mon, 05 Nov 2018 01:37:47 +0000 ChiCalGoBee 2854824@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Turtle: I am totally in agreement with you that the wording is tone-deaf, especially for your situation, but my hope is they have no idea how offensive this is to modern families. I'm a former kindergarten teacher, and from the assignment, my guess is they're trying to show growth in a concrete way for the birthday child. My son's old preschool had the exact same assignment (is this a Montessori? It seems to be their "thing" for birthdays) and pulling out the first photo was a little triggering for me, too, as he was in the NICU and those photos are hard to re-visit. We attended the celebration and there was no mention of his birth/early days, if that helps (I can even privately send you the video of what it looked like with him walking around the "sun" so you can see). It would shock me if the convo they have at school is anything more than "Look how much you've grown, O!" Is school aware of her background at all? If so, shame on them for not being more sensitive. I'm hopeful they simply want O to be able to show all her friends how much she's grown and changed over the years, and you absolutely should ask those questions before you hand over the photos. Could you maybe have her first photo be of when you two took custody of her and/or an early family picture of the three of you?</p> <p>Happy Birthday to O, either way! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-with-preschool-assignment#post-2854823 Mon, 05 Nov 2018 01:21:58 +0000 2littlepumpkins 2854823@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Turtle: I'm surprised they would just send this home and not have a conversation with you. I'm sure their hearts were probably in the right place, but they just need someone to gently tell them how it misses the mark. I think just bringing any photos would kind of not go with what they are trying to demonstrate (if I'm reading this right) BUT I think the whole photo/poster thing is unnecessary or could be done in a way like "bring in a photo of a milestone, learning activity, or special/favorite moment from the past year." OR if the birthdays are spaced out enough, they could just send home a photo poster and have the families fill it out with special photos as you suggested and just make it not about birthday but celebrate the child's birthday and then make that child be some kind of special helper for the day or something like that, and get to share their poster. Lots of alternatives. My oldest's preschool just let them bring a special lunch/snack, and people brought pizza a lot. It was much simpler that way! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/frustrated-with-preschool-assignment#post-2854820 Mon, 05 Nov 2018 00:46:54 +0000 Mrs. Turtle 2854820@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I posted this on Facebook but I'm going to put it here too because I think more families should speak up about assignments like this. Below are instructions for the birthday celebration at O's preschool. They're specifically requesting that we bring in photos of certain dates. We happen to have a birth photo, courtesy of a very public bio mom's facebook page, but so many families don't. This could be an uncomfortable assignment for foster families, adoptive families, NICU families, etc. I'm doing the assignment as requested because I don't want her to be the only one without a birth photo. But I'm going in tomorrow morning with a suggestion of changing this assignment to: "Please bring in several photos of your child that are meaningful to your family." Period. No time period requested, no specific milestones or dates. Let the family decide what works for them. Not looking forward to prepping her for whatever discussion about birth/early infancy they have tomorrow.</p> <p>[attach=5595/18/phphe6.600x245.45208546_10100568386206324_5696372144947068928_o.jpg] </p>