https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Sat, 18 Apr 2026 00:20:49 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ftm-were-you-asked#post-2382519 Wed, 09 Dec 2015 07:10:28 +0000 looch 2382519@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Greentea: I agree, I think it's small talk. No one is really invested in your decisions.</p> <p>Mompetition is alive and well. I know we all want to think that parents and society in general is supportive of parents, but there are a lot of external pressures and that influences people's worldview. A lot of comments that are directed to you are probably their own issues surfacing. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ftm-were-you-asked#post-2382517 Wed, 09 Dec 2015 06:56:16 +0000 Mrs. Lemon-Lime 2382517@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Greentea: then why do you think they are asking?</p> <p>I think there are four standard/ expected questions to show someone's interested in your baby. Are you pregnant? Is your husband excited? When are you due? What are you having?</p> <p>Beyond that what would be the purpose of asking about my work status and childcare situation? Unless they were curious and perhaps have their own notions about what was correct to do.</p> <p>ETA: the judgemental question IMO is when someone askes the follow up if I will have help from family when I'm at work. They are all relieved when I say yes. If I was putting my kid in daycare immediately would that mare me a terrible mother? Of course not, but that's the vibes I'm getting. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ftm-were-you-asked#post-2382449 Tue, 08 Dec 2015 23:22:09 +0000 Greentea 2382449@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>No. I don't think people are judging, I honestly don't think they care. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ftm-were-you-asked#post-2382393 Tue, 08 Dec 2015 22:10:57 +0000 GoGoSnoGirl 2382393@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>No, none of my coworkers asked if I was going to stay home &amp; they may have even been surprised that I did end up staying home after all. I did feel like they appreciated/respected my decision, though I expected to feel judged as having gone "soft" or something for choosing to resign. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ftm-were-you-asked#post-2382376 Tue, 08 Dec 2015 21:47:07 +0000 DesertDreams88 2382376@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My colleagues never, ever ask if I planned to stay at home. In fact, its the exact opposite, they are all shockeds that I'm taking 12 weeks instead of 6 to 8. Part of this is the district still doesn't even have a substitute lined up for me, even though they've known about my pregnancy for 5 months.</p> <p>On the other hand, most of my non-work friends / church friends There are so many things wrong with that assumption, I don't even know where to begin and I'm always surprised when I'm faced with it. If I quit during the school year, I have to pay a $2,000 fee to my district. I'd also be setting up my students for failure, because the district won't find a certified person to teach them this late in the school year. Furthermore, I would lose my health care insurance, lose 7 weeks of sick pay, and lose all my short term disability that I had paid into. I would also lose my eligibility to get $5K of my student loans forgiven at the end of next year. So when people say, "Oh so you have the baby in January and just quit then?" I'm always totally dumbfounded at why they think that's even an option. Don't they realize that I'm contractually and ethically obligated to at least finish the school year? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ftm-were-you-asked#post-2382353 Tue, 08 Dec 2015 21:14:21 +0000 blackbird 2382353@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Yes, but I think people are just curious. Or they wanted to say "oh wow, I could never leave my baby!" Yeah, cuz I'm totally leaving her with crack addicts down the street 🙄. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ftm-were-you-asked#post-2382263 Tue, 08 Dec 2015 19:28:49 +0000 autumnleaves 2382263@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Coworkers wonder but I have so many coworkers who went back to work full time after that I don't feel like anyone is judging my decision there. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ftm-were-you-asked#post-2382234 Tue, 08 Dec 2015 18:55:35 +0000 Keybee 2382234@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Yes, but I wasn't offended, I felt like people were more curious then judging. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ftm-were-you-asked#post-2382229 Tue, 08 Dec 2015 18:53:15 +0000 ms.line 2382229@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Only one (male) coworker asked if I would be returning to work after the baby's born. I think my boss was afraid to ask - she seemed very relieved when I volunteered that I'd be coming back! I think most people who know me just assume I'll keep working. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ftm-were-you-asked#post-2382220 Tue, 08 Dec 2015 18:46:07 +0000 sapphire 2382220@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>No, I was frequently just asked "whe. Are you coming back?!?" Always an assumption that I was (and I did). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ftm-were-you-asked#post-2382218 Tue, 08 Dec 2015 18:44:51 +0000 mediagirl 2382218@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I got "You had better come back!" a few times. I think everyone knew that I was the breadwinner and couldn't quit, though. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ftm-were-you-asked#post-2382191 Tue, 08 Dec 2015 18:07:36 +0000 Mrs.KMM 2382191@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Lemon-Lime: Thankfully it was not my boss or the people I worked with the most. I worked in academic research so there are a ton of people in our department. The people in my lab were very understanding and encouraging but some others within the department definitely gave me side eye. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ftm-were-you-asked#post-2382173 Tue, 08 Dec 2015 17:41:51 +0000 Mrs. Lemon-Lime 2382173@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Ms. RV: for me the reason to work will be as my husband says "I like stuff and services." I know I guiltled my mom sometimes about working so much. I didn't expect her SAH, but wished she traveled less. She used to say something all the time like in the blog, "quality vs quantity time."</p> <p>@Mrs.KMM: that's not cool either! One of my co-workers decided to SAH when her kids were school &amp; pre-school age. People have asked me what happened to her and I proudly say she's at home with her kids FT! Man some of the side eyes are unbelievable. Her decision does effect us a little because girlfriend was awesome at what she did, but geez she made the best choice for her &amp; her family!</p> <p>So far my actual company co-workers just seem to ask me how long I plan to take off knowing that having a baby is a disruption to my work. :silly: I'm still planning on using up my entire 12 weeks mat leave, but waffling if I want to do it all in one shot. Oh they know me well! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ftm-were-you-asked#post-2382156 Tue, 08 Dec 2015 17:24:54 +0000 lemondrop 2382156@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Yeah, it was a pretty common question out of general curiosity, I never felt any actual judgement about it though. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ftm-were-you-asked#post-2382143 Tue, 08 Dec 2015 17:12:54 +0000 TemperanceBrennan 2382143@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Not at all by colleagues - I work in a small office with only men. All of their wives work full time and their kids are in daycare. They are all giving me mixed signals (unintentionally) "Take all the time you need!" and "I don't know what we are going to do without you during maternity leave!". </p> <p>But for people outside of work, it seems that their questions filter through their own experience. Working moms ask me "When are you going back to work". SAH mom's ask "You're planning to stay home, right?" </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ftm-were-you-asked#post-2382111 Tue, 08 Dec 2015 16:47:37 +0000 runnerd 2382111@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Not once, it was 100% assumed I would return to work.... DH's cousins that 3/4 are SAHMs were a different story </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ftm-were-you-asked#post-2382106 Tue, 08 Dec 2015 16:43:34 +0000 Foodnerd81 2382106@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I occasionally got asked, but in a curious way, I never particularly felt judgment either way. I did have one colleague ask on a conference call, which was awkward. Most people at least acted like they assumed I would, but I also don't think people were totally shocked when I didn't come back. </p> <p>As for the assumption about staying home after a second- childcare is so expensive here many people stay home after their second because they can't afford to work! </p> <p>But really my workplace was pretty judgment free in that regard and most of the working parents had their kids in daycare, no big deal. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ftm-were-you-asked#post-2382096 Tue, 08 Dec 2015 16:36:04 +0000 Mrs.KMM 2382096@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I was the opposite. People seem to assume that I was coming back to work and seemed very surprised to hear that I planned to stay home. I definitely felt judged for choosing to become a SAHM. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ftm-were-you-asked#post-2382089 Tue, 08 Dec 2015 16:33:19 +0000 snowjewelz 2382089@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Yeah, but most people at my work are pro-WOH. Which is funny b/c inside I'm thinking I rather SAH if $ isn't an issue! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ftm-were-you-asked#post-2382088 Tue, 08 Dec 2015 16:33:12 +0000 PurplePeony 2382088@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Nope, never. Pretty much all my colleagues in a similar position have young kids (and two had babies within a couple months of me) and nobody has ever breathed a word about leaving -- I think we all know just how lucky we are to have gotten this job and you'll pry it out of most of our cold, dead hands. I have had social acquaintances ask if I'm back at work yet (even 2 years later!) in that I'm-fishing-to-find-out-if-you-became-a-SAHM tone, but that's the closest anyone has ever come to asking. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ftm-were-you-asked#post-2382087 Tue, 08 Dec 2015 16:33:04 +0000 FaithFertility 2382087@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@jlm22: Nice! ;) I am a teacher, love what I do, but they also know I loved being home with DD so I think they think #2 and I'm gone for good!<br /> They might be right?!?...lol </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ftm-were-you-asked#post-2382078 Tue, 08 Dec 2015 16:27:34 +0000 Mrs. Lemon-Lime 2382078@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@edelweiss: not really. I know of way more working moms than SAH. Although I haven't dived deep to see if any of the working moms took time off and returned later to the workforce.</p> <p>@BabyMats: it's a mix bag age wise, which surprises me the most. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ftm-were-you-asked#post-2382074 Tue, 08 Dec 2015 16:25:03 +0000 jlm22 2382074@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@FaithFertility: Ha, me too! My boss basically asked if I was pregnant by asking if I was drinking tonight at our Christmas dinner, lol.<br /> (He knows I'm not in it for the long haul though - I work one day in the office, one day at home. I do nothing. It's a total scam :) ) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ftm-were-you-asked#post-2382072 Tue, 08 Dec 2015 16:22:49 +0000 jlm22 2382072@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>All of the time! My boss actually pulled me aside and said "Ok, I know I can't ask you this and I won't tell HR, but between you and me, are you coming back? HA! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ftm-were-you-asked#post-2382070 Tue, 08 Dec 2015 16:22:08 +0000 FaithFertility 2382070@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>All the time! I get asked even now about #2 who is yet to even be concieved...lol </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ftm-were-you-asked#post-2382067 Tue, 08 Dec 2015 16:20:09 +0000 MRSJX3 2382067@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Yes and it was annoying. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ftm-were-you-asked#post-2382066 Tue, 08 Dec 2015 16:20:01 +0000 Ms. RV 2382066@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Yes!! I hated it. I think people were just afraid I wasn't coming back.</p> <p>But I did have friends of friends make nasty, hurtful comments about how I was essentially abandoning my daughter.</p> <p>Then I found this, and it helped a lot: <a href="http://www.scarymommy.com/dear-children-im-not-sorry-i-work/" rel="nofollow">http://www.scarymommy.com/dear-children-im-not-sorry-i-work/</a></p> <p>Now if people make comments about me working and sending LO to daycare, I say "You're right. Poor C. I can't possibly imagine how horrible it is for all those people to love her instead of just her family." That shuts them up. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ftm-were-you-asked#post-2382064 Tue, 08 Dec 2015 16:19:44 +0000 Mrs D 2382064@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I got questions all over the spectrum. My favorite was from my boss "well I guess you wont be working here much longer"...I bit his head off and threw a tizzy in his office...looking back on it it was a great exchange... :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ftm-were-you-asked#post-2382063 Tue, 08 Dec 2015 16:19:21 +0000 daniellemybelle 2382063@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Interestingly it was the opposite - no one asked if I planned to SAH and everyone assumed I would return. Or if they thought I wouldn't return they didn't ask. I knew I was not going to go back but I didn't say anything until after maternity leave. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ftm-were-you-asked#post-2382061 Tue, 08 Dec 2015 16:18:05 +0000 ChitownRo 2382061@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Yes - definitely- and they continue to ask now that I'm pregnant with my second. Part of it is that it would take 6+ months to hire/train a new NP, so they would be screwed if I decided last minute to SAH </p>