https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Sun, 10 May 2026 09:10:17 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/gender-neutral-parenting/page/2#post-1364847 Tue, 21 Jan 2014 16:01:04 +0000 Torchwood 1364847@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Sketchbook: Exactly! Yes, sounds like we totally agree. :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/gender-neutral-parenting/page/2#post-1364844 Tue, 21 Jan 2014 15:59:44 +0000 Mrs. Sketchbook 1364844@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Torchwood: I think we are saying the same thing! I was just a little frustrated with how the conversation was moving, away from GNP techniques that everyone can agree on, to a polarizing discussion about skirt wearing, that seemed to be started by people who want to assume the worst of the movement. I'd like to believe that anyone--even someone who didn't spend a lot of time reading gender theory in college, as I did--could see that such a conversation, even if well-intended, is at best a red herring and at worst actually works to reinforce gender norms. </p> <p>I think the thing to do is if you notice your son wants to wear a skirt, don't think to yourself "ok he is selecting a gender identity" but instead just say "oh he likes that because it has bugs on it, or he likes to twirl." Until my son learns that things like skirts or dolls are gendered, I'm not going to assume his interest (or lack thereof) has anything to do with gender at all! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/gender-neutral-parenting/page/2#post-1364332 Tue, 21 Jan 2014 13:17:44 +0000 Torchwood 1364332@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Sketchbook: Really, the emphasis of it is in no way on letting a boy wear a skirt. The point of it is mostly to a- overcome our natural biases and not treat our kids differently because of their gender. Like we tend to view girls as more sensitive and social, and boys as more physical. So it's good to make a point to not forget to encourage sensitivity and such in boys when they display it, and to roughhouse with girls or encourage them when they do something showing how strong they are. And b- respect their choices even when it means letting them do something or wear something that society might think is wrong because it's not right for the gender role they try to pigeon hole people into.</p> <p>The issue of letting a boy dress like a girl becomes the topic that is discussed the most because it's the thing that you're going to get the most flak for, and the thing that puts your kid at risk for bullying. But the point isn't that you're going to put your infant boy in a dress, or even encourage an older boy to wear a skirt. It's about respecting his choice if he WANTS to wear a skirt, and not letting societally imposed ideas of what he "should" wear limit his choices. The book quotes one statistic that says 85% of gender bending kids will grow up to be cisgender (gender identity is the same as their physical sex) adults. So for the vast majority of kids, wearing clothes that aren't "right" for their sex isn't about a boy wanting to be feminine or a girl wanting to be masculine. It's just what they like. It's the adults and people who judge them for it that ascribe those motives to their choices. I assure you, advocates of gender neutral parenting are NOT advocating " putting a boy in a skirt as a way to strike out against the patriarchy." </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/gender-neutral-parenting/page/2#post-1361730 Mon, 20 Jan 2014 13:48:13 +0000 artsyfartsy 1361730@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Interesting discussion! I'm having a boy in a very rural, conservative area and this is a sensitive topic for me. I want to give my son freedom to express himself but also feel like I have to toe the line to protect him from mean comments from others. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/gender-neutral-parenting/page/2#post-1361687 Mon, 20 Jan 2014 13:36:49 +0000 Mrs. Sketchbook 1361687@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I honestly don't get the whole let you son wear a skirt line of conversation. Is that all there is to being a girl? That she can wear skirts? I don't dress my son in skirts but I probably wouldn't dress my (hypothetical) daughter in them most of the time anyway, because they are not practical. Plus if if ever have a girl she'll be wearing her brother's hand me downs. I got a minor in WMST and I don't think that any of my professors would have advocated putting a boy in a skirt as a way to strike out against the patriarchy because that is basically reinforcing the idea that being female is the sum of your appearance and your buying habits.</p> <p>I definitely identify with the idea of letting my son express his emotions and not always shushing him, etc. I don't have a little girl so can't comment on those issues. I think pink is pretty trendy for boys these days so that isn't an issue for me. Not sure what we'll do when we get to the age of superhero vs. Barbie, but I suspect we will be avoiding Barbie because of her unnatural looks. My son does have a doll but he is a boy doll.</p> <p>ETA: changed "femininity" to "being female" </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/gender-neutral-parenting/page/2#post-1361649 Mon, 20 Jan 2014 13:24:45 +0000 PawPrints 1361649@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Torchwood: Fantastic! Now I need to read the whole book. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/gender-neutral-parenting/page/2#post-1361618 Mon, 20 Jan 2014 13:08:45 +0000 Torchwood 1361618@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@PawPrints: That thread is part of what got me wanting to buy the book! That article is actually an excerpt from the book. :) It's really fascinating stuff. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/gender-neutral-parenting/page/2#post-1361610 Mon, 20 Jan 2014 13:05:44 +0000 Torchwood 1361610@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Arden: I felt the same way until I went to see my dad's side of the family this weekend. They're VERY anti anything girly for a boy, but they're pretty good about letting girls play with and wear what they want. I grew up with an easy bake oven AND a tool set. But when I was there, among other things I got told the reason I can't do pull ups is because I'm a girl, and my 12 year old brother totally freaked out that there was a girl on a video game wearing boxing gear, and when I said girls could box too, he just said, "well, they'd lose." The ways they force gender crap on girls is different, but unfortunately like you said, it's there. </p> <p>@sarac: Yes, that's exactly right! I might engage a son who wanted to wear a skirt in a discussion about bullying, but *I* would 100% support his right to do so. It would probably be harder to decide what to do if he wanted to wear one around my family though. I just think they'd be meaner than any kids at school or anything, to be honest. Which is sad. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/gender-neutral-parenting/page/2#post-1359239 Sun, 19 Jan 2014 07:25:46 +0000 Silva 1359239@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@sarac: I agree, well said. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/gender-neutral-parenting/page/2#post-1359226 Sun, 19 Jan 2014 06:11:31 +0000 mjane 1359226@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@sarac: exactly this. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/gender-neutral-parenting/page/2#post-1358112 Sat, 18 Jan 2014 10:33:09 +0000 JennyD 1358112@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@beaker: My brother's favourite shirt was pink when he was about 2-3, and he turned out to be the most macho guy I know! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/gender-neutral-parenting/page/2#post-1357754 Fri, 17 Jan 2014 21:59:06 +0000 sarac 1357754@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I hear the 'I won't let my son wear a skirt because I don't want him to be teased' argument often, and it always gives me pause. Obviously, it's coming from a place of love and concern. But I wonder - if you're telling your child it isn't ok to wear a skirt (for whatever reason, even out of concern for them), aren't you're the first one teaching that lesson? Maybe you're doing it more gently than other children might, but you're teaching that lesson one way or another. </p> <p>It really comes down to your ideas about gender. Is it ok for boys to wear skirts, or is it not? If it isn't, for you, that's one belief. But (one thing that) GNP means, for me, that it is fundamentally ok for a boy to wear a skirt. I'd never require a son to wear one, because society really isn't kind to that child. But in my heart, it is ok - and that's the society I'd like to see. That's what I'll teach my children, and I'll support them in whatever gender roles they choose. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/gender-neutral-parenting/page/2#post-1357677 Fri, 17 Jan 2014 21:00:19 +0000 bisous 1357677@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Greentea: Checked out that everyday feminism site! I love it. Thank you for sharing!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/gender-neutral-parenting/page/2#post-1357594 Fri, 17 Jan 2014 19:55:19 +0000 deerylou 1357594@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Arden: I hear you. Fortunately for our girls, it's becoming more and more acceptable to nurture more "powerful" personalities, leading to hobbies, interests, and professions that reflect that.</p> <p>Sadly, I think it's still going to be a while before it's considered socially sound for boys to be more sensitive, and gravitate towards items, activities and roles currently stereotyped as "delicate" or "feminine".</p> <p>The toy aisle is the perfect example of this type of pigeon-holing, and it's unfortunate. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/gender-neutral-parenting#post-1357569 Fri, 17 Jan 2014 19:29:32 +0000 immabeetoo 1357569@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@SugarplumsMom: I'm sorry, I misunderstood you! My statements still stand, just not directed at your home ;)</p> <p>@Arden: I think that is pretty common, unfortunately. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/gender-neutral-parenting#post-1357529 Fri, 17 Jan 2014 18:55:59 +0000 Arden 1357529@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>On further reflection I've realized that girls aren't really off the hook in my circle either - I used to get so frustrated when people told me that since my baby was active in the womb that meant it must be a boy. What the what?!?! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/gender-neutral-parenting#post-1357526 Fri, 17 Jan 2014 18:54:03 +0000 Arden 1357526@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm struggling with a hugely lopsided standard among my friends and family that allows and encourages girls towards traditionally boy toys/colors/activities but freaks out at the mere idea of a boy being interested in traditionally feminine things.</p> <p>It's not an issue at the moment since we have a girl, but when/if we have a son I know this will be a challenge. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/gender-neutral-parenting#post-1357504 Fri, 17 Jan 2014 18:31:12 +0000 SugarplumsMom 1357504@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@scg00387: I don't think I explained that correctly. What I meant to say is where I live, it's very gender neutral. So much so, if say, Toys R Us has an ad with one page that's all blue with a blue toy vacuum and another ad opposite from it with a pink toy vacuum, it makes the news because 'how dare they use pink and blue'. Girls pretty much rule here, men bake and are SAHDs and boys wear dresses in they want. No one thinks it's weird. But if you use pink for anything, it's all the sudden too girly and that's a no-no. That's what I meant by extreme. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/gender-neutral-parenting#post-1356961 Fri, 17 Jan 2014 14:37:15 +0000 Mrs. Lemon-Lime 1356961@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@PawPrints: i remember your thread </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/gender-neutral-parenting#post-1356868 Fri, 17 Jan 2014 13:55:24 +0000 Elderberrygin 1356868@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@sarac: This is such a great summary of GNP - thank you.</p> <p>I agree, people get very hung up on the aesthetic side of gender neutral parenting but there are many more important issues at stake. For me, being conscious of the more subtle ways gender plays into child-rearing has been important. </p> <p>For example, parents tend to unconsciously engage in less rough-and-tumble, physical play with girls than with boys and this has an impact on their involvement in sports down the line. So that's one area I'm careful to consciously push back against my instincts as the parent of a girl.</p> <p>Another area is in toy choices. Girls get a lot of tacit encouragement to engage in imaginative play, which is wonderful, but tend to have far less encouragement to engage in construction play. So its important for me that she has building blocks, duplo and other toys that build spatial reasoning and STEM skills alongside dress-ups, dolls and a play kitchen. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/gender-neutral-parenting#post-1356779 Fri, 17 Jan 2014 13:23:32 +0000 ShootingStar 1356779@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>For me, I tend to buy our son stuff that appeals to me. So clothes are boyish, but I personally dont like trucks,etc. when it's his choice he can choose what he wants for the most part. No matter how he ends up we will love and support him. And if any family were to dare make him feel bad they would not have access any more. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/gender-neutral-parenting#post-1356607 Fri, 17 Jan 2014 12:13:46 +0000 MrsH 1356607@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I know our little girl will be dressed in John Deere green and yellow and have a gator instead of a barbie car and that we are just as likley to buy her one of those plastic tool sets as a dress up set. I will stand up to anyone that says she cant be dressed in camo or blue or whatever else she decides. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/gender-neutral-parenting#post-1356597 Fri, 17 Jan 2014 12:10:11 +0000 PawPrints 1356597@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I posted a thread a little while ago on a related subject that I think is really relevant here - about a study that found that putting gender expectations on children can have really seriously harmful impacts. </p> <p><a href="http://boards.hellobee.com/topic/study-on-how-parenting-enforces-gender-norms-less-than-1-year-old" rel="nofollow">http://boards.hellobee.com/topic/study-on-how-parenting-enforces-gender-norms-less-than-1-year-old</a> </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/gender-neutral-parenting#post-1356576 Fri, 17 Jan 2014 12:00:11 +0000 mamimami 1356576@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@anonysquire: haha, my neighbor was telling me about how her daughter would make the little brother play barbies with her and would have these elaborate scenarios of "now Barbie and Ken fall in love and get married" and all that, and the little boy was like, "OK, but now KEN KILLS BARBIE ARGGHHHHHH!" Your experience was probably similar!</p> <p>ETA sorry everyone for getting off track :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/gender-neutral-parenting#post-1356568 Fri, 17 Jan 2014 11:56:27 +0000 anonysquire 1356568@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Silva: @mamimami: I wouldn't have a problem with him playing with dolls or barbies if he asked. Both my brothers played barbies with me and my sis and they turned out fine. But I draw the line and buying a bunch of girlish toys before he asks for them. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/gender-neutral-parenting#post-1356302 Fri, 17 Jan 2014 10:44:28 +0000 Mrs. Twine 1356302@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MrsMcD: Aw! Maybe? Probably? I know Ellie and Lorelei have gravitated towards certain sorts of things from fairly early on, and I try to respect their taste and what feels comfortable to them when I can. It's so nice to not have clothes not get worn (or just be worn seldom) because I'm to stubborn to not get what they will actually wear versus what appeals to me.</p> <p>I just don't believe in limiting kids based on ANY stereotype. I think children (heck, people!) notice and appreciate being really seen and valued by someone. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/gender-neutral-parenting#post-1356258 Fri, 17 Jan 2014 10:32:15 +0000 deactivated_account 1356258@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Do you think GNP is what Angelina Jolie is doing with little Shiloh? She has dressed that little girl like a boy for as long as I can remember. But yet Zahara and vivienne have always been dressed like the most darling of little girls. Sorry for the radom question..... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/gender-neutral-parenting#post-1356215 Fri, 17 Jan 2014 10:19:55 +0000 loveisstrange 1356215@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think there is a difference between allowing your children to express themselves and wear or play with what they choose and dressing a little boy in a pink dress to prove a point. </p> <p>I don't think that raising a girl in a pink tutu or a boy with only tools and superheroes to play with has any determination on who they are. How may gay men were raised as strictly boys, playing little league and getting dirty, and they end up drag queens? How many girls were raised surrounded by princesses and pink and turn out tomboys who work on cars? Plenty and plenty.</p> <p>I think the best we can do for our kids is to allow them to make choices and love and accept them no matter what. I would never tell C that she cant have a toy car or a Batman shirt because she's a girl. I'm also not going to stop her from playing with princesses and dressing in pink. Things don't have to be neutral. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/gender-neutral-parenting#post-1356213 Fri, 17 Jan 2014 10:19:29 +0000 T.H.O.U. 1356213@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't think its anything we have set out to do. We just don't talk much about gender stuff. When she wanted to paint her dad's toes too he let her rather than tell her that boys don't do that. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/gender-neutral-parenting#post-1356152 Fri, 17 Jan 2014 10:05:53 +0000 Greentea 1356152@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>The site everyday feminism has a lot of good ideas as well. </p>