https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Wed, 08 Apr 2026 13:13:32 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/give-me-some-perspective-disagreement-with-dh#post-72442 Fri, 10 Feb 2012 14:42:10 +0000 mrstilly 72442@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Thanks for the replies. I definitely know that I am not "right". We are just both tired and frustrated and not communicating effectively. I can talk a lot, and DH is often a man of much fewer words. Sometimes it can take weeks to really know what's going on in his head. </p> <p>I was the only one at the doctor appointment. DH had already taken time off of work, so it was me bringing back the doctor's advice to him. I know early on, especially, there were times where he could do nothing right and I'm proud that we've worked through a lot of that. It's part of why I didn't bring up DS's early morning wake ups/feedings earlier, because I didn't want to come across as telling him what to do. </p> <p>I really try to appreciate all that he does - dishes, laundry, cleaning, and everything he does with DS. I try to tell him often, and say to DS often as well, that Daddy is the greatest, that he's an awesome dad, etc... I try to comment every time I see that he has done something - taken the garbage out, loaded the dishwasher, etc... to let him know that I notice and appreciate it. </p> <p>I worry if I am validating him as a father enough. I know I don't know everything, but I am much quicker to ask my family, the doctor or post online looking for advice when I think we need to change something or we are questioning what we are doing. I always want to have a plan. I want to know what we are doing when all the time. I am very flexible when it comes to changing plans, but I don't like the uncertainty of the unknown. Planning, even if we change plans a million times, is just how I work best and somehow it is reassuring and gives me a sense of security. </p> <p>We were both upset, but we did kiss and say I love you before he left for work and were using much nicer tones and words. We are going to talk more tonight. I really hope that he will open up more about his feelings and we can see how to address them. </p> <p>My biggest issue was that he brought up the fact that he had been getting up with DH every morning for so long. I just didn't hear DS before DH already got up with him, plus I had told him to wake me or tell me when he needed help every 2-3 days, and he never did. He never said it was a problem for him. I'd take over in the evenings and stay up later doing laundry, washing bottles and dishes, and getting his daycare bag ready, while DH would go to sleep around 8 or 9. It seemed like it was working, because he never said otherwise. I am a firm believer that if you don't say anything is wrong, then you deal with it and don't throw it back in someone's face later. But I know that wasn't his point and we were both tired and not in the best place to talk it out this morning, as evidenced by our raised voices. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/give-me-some-perspective-disagreement-with-dh#post-72430 Fri, 10 Feb 2012 14:26:56 +0000 Lozza 72430@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>So this may be a terrible idea since everyone is exhausted anyhow, but I found that in some ways, DH and I were better about staying on the same page and not getting frustrated with the other person "doing it wrong" during the newborn phase when we were both getting up with DS every time (I'd feed him and then DH would change him and put him back to bed). We've also done this (both get up with DS) if something hard is going on or we feel like we may need to deviate from our normal practices (like when DS is sick). When we both get up with him, there's no "I was up and YOU got to sleep", plus if we disagree, we both get to see whether the method we end up with works or doesn't work. (Like if I want to go get him and feed him at 3 AM and DH says "nah, he'll go back to sleep, just wait five minutes," either DS will be fine in 5 minutes and I will have learned that it can be a good thing to wait it out a little, or he'll continue to freak out and DH will learn that sometimes self-soothing isn't going to cut it for us. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/give-me-some-perspective-disagreement-with-dh#post-72403 Fri, 10 Feb 2012 14:00:50 +0000 banana 72403@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Wow, this sound familiar. My DH and I had a major argument when we were both dealing with extreme exhaustion. It was the biggest fight we had EVER had in our 5 years of marriage. It was so bad, I threatened to leave with my son and stay at my mom's house. It was really bad for us.</p> <p>The circumstances were slightly different but the core reason behind it sounds the same. For us, we were arguing because I was getting up every 1-2 hours while my DH only got up once in the middle of the night (at around 2am). And when he DID get up to help, he would do things all wrong (not the way we agreed) so I would yell at him. I told him he needs to get up more often and do things how we agreed. His argument was that even though he didn't get up in the middle of the night all the time, he did alot of other things around the house (like laundry, cooking, shopping). He said he felt like I was acting like the main parent and he was just my assistant and that I might as well take care of LO by myself since he never did anything right. He admitted this only after weeks of fighting and I finally asked him what the REAL problem was.</p> <p>He felt very unappreciated. Of course at the time, I was being stubborn and my come-back was "Oh YOU don't feel appreciated? What about me??" and that never got anywhere. Until we finally decided to just stop and list all of the things we appreciated about each other. Kinda cheesy but it worked.</p> <p>I don't know if that will help in your situation but it sure wouldn't hurt to try? Exhaustion and stress make people say and do crazy things. Sometimes it helps to just take a step back, take a deep breath and support each other as equal partners in this crazy parenthood journey. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/give-me-some-perspective-disagreement-with-dh#post-72396 Fri, 10 Feb 2012 13:51:36 +0000 Lozza 72396@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Hearing our pediatrician say "Stop feeding him at night. He doesn't need it" was HUGE for DH and I. We totally struggled with it and felt bad about it and kinda went back and forth on it for a while (and still break the rule occasionally if there are extenuating circumstances), but hearing, in such clear language, was really a framework-changer for us. I still nurse at night, so it wasn't like we could really gauge the amount that he was getting, but we made rules about "no feedings unless it has been at least X hours" where we gradually increased X, to the point where DS (who is around the same age as your LO at 10 months) hasn't really done nighttime feedings at all in a couple months. (Which is awesome, seeing as we were up and feeding him every 2-3 hours till he was like 6 months old). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/give-me-some-perspective-disagreement-with-dh#post-72375 Fri, 10 Feb 2012 13:26:59 +0000 mrbee 72375@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@tequiero21: My thought was less about hearing it from someone else... and more along the lines of, is this plan something that both partners came up with together. Or is it something that one person developed, and brought to the other person. </p> <p>In terms of getting on the same page, there's often a significant difference between the two approaches! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/give-me-some-perspective-disagreement-with-dh#post-72246 Fri, 10 Feb 2012 11:25:19 +0000 tequiero21 72246@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>i'm wondering too, if your hubby was there when you talked to the doctor. i think he may need to hear it from someone else, unfortunately. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/give-me-some-perspective-disagreement-with-dh#post-72174 Fri, 10 Feb 2012 10:36:24 +0000 mrbee 72174@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I agree with you that your plan makes sense!</p> <p>However, I'm also a big believer that you can ask someone to do something, but you can't really tell them how to do it. On that note, it sounds like you guys aren't really on the same page with the plan. When you talked to the doctor and the other moms, was your DH there? Or was it more of a plan you developed on your own...</p> <p>One last thought: for a lot of the guys I know, it means a lot to them if you thank them when they do something good. I've read a lot of blog posts by mom where it's pointed out that men are parents too, and they shouldn't be thanked for doing their fair share. That's a fair perspective, but I think it doesn't work that well with some people. I guess I'm just wondering: have you had a chance to let him know that you truly appreciate all of his 3 am wakeups for the past few months? As a guy, I can tell you that that would mean a lot to me!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/give-me-some-perspective-disagreement-with-dh#post-72150 Fri, 10 Feb 2012 10:13:07 +0000 mrstilly 72150@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>First, I am not a morning person! At all. I'm quick to get frustrated and snap a little too easily, though I work really hard to be more pleasant or just not say anything in the am before I'm awake and more myself. </p> <p>Anyway... DS has been getting up sometime between 3am and 5am just about every night for the last few months. DH has been getting up with him in the early mornings, since he is an early riser and he hears DS before I do. I've told him many times to wake me up if he needs help or just wants me to get up with him, but he usually doesn't. Finally, last week, DH was getting sick and asked for me to get up with DS in the early mornings for a few days so he could get some rest and feel better. The only way to do it was to move myself and DS into the second bedroom so that we were sleeping in the same room and I would definitely hear DS first and get up before DH woke. But I wake every time he stirs, and don't sleep well. It's been okay, and I've been able to hand DS off to DH at 5:30 (when DH usually gets up) if I need to so I can go back to bed. I'm exhausted waking every 30-60 minutes all night, and last night DH took over so I could sleep. </p> <p>When DH was getting up with DS over the last few months he inadvertently created a habit of DS getting a full feeding and waking all the way up, making it harder to get him back to sleep. He would be awake about 45-90 minutes. After talking to the Dr. and a few other moms, I thought we had agreed to wean him off the night feedings by giving him a little less each night, so eventually he won't wake up at all. We make the bottle before bed, and keep DS in a dark room. He gets the bottle, then his paci and we hold/rock him until he is calm and sleepy and then put him back down. DS can put himself to sleep, though he sometimes fusses/plays for a while first. It's been working and the wakings are already getting shorter in just 2 weeks. </p> <p>Last night I was up when DH and DS were up since DS was crying loudly. DH ended up giving him 7 ounces total, when we had worked down to 3 ounces at night time. I was a little frustrated last night when I got up, since I was half asleep and was confused. This morning I was just waking up when DH said that he had given DS a 7 ounces and he went to bed at 5 am after being up for an hour. </p> <p>I was frustrated that he had given him a full 7 ounces (3 premade, followed by another 4, when I would have just given him an extra 1-2 ounces, to keep up with our trend of smaller feedings). </p> <p>Later in the morning DH was mad at me for being frustrated. I said that I was exhausted from being up ALL night the previous 4 nights with DS stirring and moving and coughing, and that I thought we were in agreement to stay focused on the plan to try and get DS to not wake up in the early morning. DH came back saying that he's been getting up with DS for months so I shouldn't be complaining. He said that he's not going to deny DS food when he is hungry, like that's what I was doing by trying to wean him off of that early morning feeding. The plan has been working, as usually DS is now up for 10-20 minutes and goes back to sleep until 7am. </p> <p>I feel like our ultimate goal is to get DS to sleep through the night, so we are all better rested, DS included. He only takes 1 nap at daycare, usually 2 hours, and he is already doing better now that he's awake for a shorter time during the early morning (less tired and fussy by evening time). I'm not trying to tell DH what to do, have offered help, and now we have a plan to fix the situation. I feel like DH is resentful toward me, and I'm frustrated because I feel like we have a potential solution that has been working, and when DH gets up with DS he doesn't always follow it. We are headed to my inlaws for the weekend again and I'll again be sleeping in the room with DS and getting up with him both nights/mornings. I want to stay home and work on DS's schedule, but don't think DH will agree to let us stay, since we were home last weekend. </p> <p>I know I need to talk to DH about all of this when we get home. I really don't want to be critical of what he's doing with DH, but it's clearly been a problem for all three of us, with none of us getting enough sleep. I tried to tell DH that if we wean DS slowly off that feeding, that he will make up for it during the day. He's been eating a lot less at daycare than he was, and I think it's because he eats a lot in the morning with DH. (6 ounces at his early waking and another 6 when he wakes again at 6:30 or 7). </p>