https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Tue, 28 Apr 2026 17:53:49 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/good-luck-taking-care-of-mom#post-2742998 Fri, 02 Jun 2017 08:34:18 +0000 Mrs. Sketchbook 2742998@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@autumnleaves: my father is the person in the family who does everything for his 90 year old mom. Everyone just assumes he's up for it but in reality it is a massive burden. But my grandmother is so used to his care that she insists on him doing everything. She's abusive and controlling. It is really eating away at my dad's ability to enjoy his life. His two siblings seem completely oblivious. I'm sure they would both say that they never asked him to do what he does, but they also haven't modified their lives in any meaningful way to help him. He's truly stuck in a situation other people assume is of his own making. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/good-luck-taking-care-of-mom#post-2742887 Thu, 01 Jun 2017 20:01:05 +0000 autumnleaves 2742887@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@macintosh: thank you! :heart: I hope to see more resources out there in the future for people who need help/support/care without it being as expensive as it is. I have contacted various government personnel asking for assistance for my father - transportation, a social worker, etc and there isn't much out there in our area for this. Unfortunately I think it's going to get worse for more people and harder before more solutions and support emerge. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/good-luck-taking-care-of-mom#post-2742886 Thu, 01 Jun 2017 20:01:05 +0000 nwm 2742886@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@macintosh: what you are doing for your husband is amazing. i wish you had so much more support! :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/good-luck-taking-care-of-mom#post-2742884 Thu, 01 Jun 2017 19:55:12 +0000 autumnleaves 2742884@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@gingerbebe: thank you! you bring up a good point about how hard it is for introverts to do all that is required and since my sister and I are both introverts - we feel the same way as you describe by doing all of that. Something for me to remember. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/good-luck-taking-care-of-mom#post-2742883 Thu, 01 Jun 2017 19:51:54 +0000 autumnleaves 2742883@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@pwnstar: I agree that my siblings and I need to talk about equality in all of this as I don't think my brothers necessarily see themselves as being obligated to help like me and my sister. Thank you for bringing this up. I disagree that no one is contributing other than my sister - I realize I didn't provide all the details but I like to think I am contributing to improving the well being of my parents and I do put them before myself - not necessarily M-F except in emergencies but I am there for them. I gave my sister the advice that I did because I want to see her health improve. I appreciate the feedback that I've gotten that advice wasn't the way to go and instead I should act. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/good-luck-taking-care-of-mom#post-2742875 Thu, 01 Jun 2017 19:18:51 +0000 arosebyany 2742875@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@macintosh: :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/good-luck-taking-care-of-mom#post-2742832 Thu, 01 Jun 2017 16:06:49 +0000 2littlepumpkins 2742832@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I haven't read every single comment but honestly I would be frustrated too if I were her. It sounds like she's the only one really doing any of the heavy lifting. Maybe her lack of hobbies has to do with her constantly dealing with your mom, and even if not, although I understand that she may have the most free time, is really her business and she doesn't owe her time any more than the rest of your siblings just because she doesn't work. It sounds like you already have your dad so your other siblings need to step up even if that just means making other arrangements. It's not fair to her and when your dad requires more care it won't be fair to you either. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/good-luck-taking-care-of-mom#post-2742828 Thu, 01 Jun 2017 15:54:51 +0000 pinkcupcake 2742828@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <br /><p><i>This comment has been deleted by the original poster.</i></p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/good-luck-taking-care-of-mom#post-2742811 Thu, 01 Jun 2017 15:08:53 +0000 macintosh 2742811@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This is a really hard spot to be in. I'm a caregiver for my husband and have been for over 4 years, since his brain injury. His family has been less than helpful. His relatives live out of state and rarely visit. The parents didn't have money to help support him, so it all fell to me and my mom. His sister thinks it's my responsibility, but sends a little money (since I asked for it). Basically his family acted like they couldn't be bothered and that was that.</p> <p>I honestly understand how your sister is feeling. Sometimes I want to call up his sister and say "I quit, he's yours". Sometimes I fear that he'll lose what little mobility he has an need nursing home care. I would have to divorce him so that he could get care from the state. He can't move or walk very well, but damn does he like to argue. </p> <p>I can't help but feel resentment for DH's family and even his friends. Noone ever visits him or calls him. It's like he doesn't matter to anyone but me and it really freakin sucks. </p> <p>Anyway, please help your sister. She needs emotional support more than anything. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/good-luck-taking-care-of-mom#post-2742761 Thu, 01 Jun 2017 13:28:02 +0000 SweetiePie 2742761@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@2PeasinaPod: THIS. I was going to say the same thing, that the responsibility to schedule new caretakers or services shouldn't just be on the sister and that in and of itself could be just as stressful (finding a service, managing them, communicating, payment, etc).<br /> It's like that "you should've asked!" thread last week or the week before. Whether she's actually driving her mom or responsible for figuring out logistics, why is the "mental burden" only on her? I get that her kid is older but she put in many years caring for her kid and probably feels like this is her payoff - to finally have a lot of freedom. And to then feel overwhelmed almost like having another kid and losing freedom is probably pretty frustrating.<br /> And saying it should be her because you work and she stays home is like a husband saying he shouldn't do any child rearing at all because he works and his wife stays home. I get that much more will fall on the SAHM but that doesn't make the dad responsibility free. </p> <p>I think there should be a sibling meeting, heck maybe even with a mediator, to figure out how to equally split duties. </p> <p>Related but not - my mom is one of 7 siblings. The youngest, my uncle, has Down syndrome. Before my grandparents passed away, even in their old age, his care was their burden. Wen my grandma was alive she cared for him, but she died relatively young. Then my grandpa took care of him as long as he could, until his health was really ailing. So he did put him in a group home towards the end but they made all decisions - because they were the parents. Now that my grandparents are gone, and they were out of state from the rest of the family, they had to decide who would take care of him. They agreed that each sibling would be responsible for him for 5 year periods. My parents got him first, since their kids were the oldest and out of the house. It was not easy, but because there was a plan and "end in sight" it was manageable. He has the mental capacity of a 10 year old at almost 50 years old. So they really took on another kid and had to go back to making arrangements for him if they wanted to go away or be gone for long periods of time. Had all the siblings just said "it's your problem, you have an empty nest" I can imagine the huge amount of resentment my parents would have had.<br /> Not all of my aunts and uncles are in state either. But my uncle will relocate to them as their "turn" comes up.<br /> Bottom line, I think coming together and really hearing your sister, and then agreeing that there must be some way you can split or take turns, would really help. </p> <p>Sorry if not making sense, rushing a response as, I'm up against nap time ending :-) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/good-luck-taking-care-of-mom#post-2742745 Thu, 01 Jun 2017 13:13:50 +0000 MrsSCB 2742745@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>When you've talked about hiring someone to do some of the work your sister has been doing, have you discussed payment? I think hiring someone to help is a good idea, but all siblings should contribute equally. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/good-luck-taking-care-of-mom#post-2742744 Thu, 01 Jun 2017 13:13:09 +0000 Boogs 2742744@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I echo everything @Mrs. Pickle: said. I don't blame your sister for being upset. I've had the burden of a ton of family stuff on me lately and other family members have assumed I have the most time for it since I don't work, but it's not necessarily the case. Your sister shouldn't have the shoulder the burden alone and I hope all of your siblings can somehow help her take on equal responsibility. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/good-luck-taking-care-of-mom#post-2742731 Thu, 01 Jun 2017 13:03:11 +0000 gingerbebe 2742731@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@autumnleaves: So, from how you describe her, your sister sounds like she is introverted. Introverts like being home, they like being alone, and often times they have higher levels of anxiety, particularly with regards to public-facing situations. So its probably not that she doesn't have hobbies, but that she likes doing quiet things alone. She probably chose to be a SAHM because it was a good fit for her personality. And she has fewer friends because she probably just likes having a closer bond with fewer people. Unfortunately, that also coincided with being more available to be a POA for your mother because she has more schedule flexibility. </p> <p>I will say that as an introvert myself, I find dealing with customer service stuff, phone calls, talking to vendors (i.e. strangers) to be inherently stressful. Its not that I can't do these tasks - I routinely DO - but it just automatically creates an anxiety/stress response in me and I find these interactions draining of my energy when I'd rather save that energy to be pleasant and engaged at work or for my family. Introverts find social interactions largely draining and recharge with quiet time, and extroverts generally have an opposite reaction. As a result, in our marriage, my husband handles calling the bank or hiring a contractor or answering the door, while I do all the internet research, narrow down choices, etc. </p> <p>I think anyone who is a POA of a difficult parent is going to find that situation stressful, but doubly so if they have an introverted personality. Being an POA means you're constantly having to advocate and coordinate and be public-facing for someone else - which for me personally would be so, so exhausting. She's probably having to call people and banks and whatever all the time for appointments and handling your mom's financial transactions. Ugh.</p> <p>Her unwillingness to reach out to outside help or the care center or whatever doesn't really surprise me. If I were in her shoes, it would be another super exhausting task to try and coordinate with MORE strangers to find transportation for your mom, more people calling me on my phone, etc. I would be grouchy about schlepping my mom everywhere, but it would seem less annoying because its what I know and what I'm used to and its less people to have to deal with.</p> <p>SO. If you want to help your sister, I would definitely take the finances thing off her plate - its something that a sibling can easily do remotely these days, other than some in person banking stuff that usually just needs to be handled on the front end or back end once a person passes. </p> <p>If you want to help her with the appointments, then someone ELSE should find outside transportation and arrange it for your mother. You can probably ask your sister if she could still be a point of contact for the transportation service or the facility in case there's a schedule problem or if backup transportation is required, if she will allow that much.</p> <p>Telling her to get a therapist or be positive was probably not helpful. I would be pretty pissed if my sibling said something like that to me. I would just extend a lot of gratitude for her doing something so outside her comfort zone out of obligation for your mom and tell her that you're here to listen if she wants to vent and that you and your siblings want to help her out. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/good-luck-taking-care-of-mom#post-2742726 Thu, 01 Jun 2017 12:53:18 +0000 pwnstar 2742726@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@autumnleaves: You need to operate under the assumption that everyone is *equal* in terms of sharing the burden, i.e., that everyone is equally busy and that it is equally burdensome to everyone. Because it is. Regardless of family status, hobbies, employment status, etc. Caring for others is hard. Full stop. While there may truly be practical realities that limit what people are able to contribute and/or when they can contribute, the fact is that no one is contributing. And that's just not right or fair.</p> <p>To be clear, stepping in to help is not the same thing as suggesting potential solutions (and certainly not suggesting therapy-that was pretty tactless). You need to DO something-get a schedule of your mom's appointments and arrange for transportation (whether it's you or another service providing transportation), something. </p> <p>As a FT WOH parent with two small kiddos, I understand where you're coming from in terms of scheduling and time constraints. But when I need to or want to, I make time to do what needs to be done. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/good-luck-taking-care-of-mom#post-2742720 Thu, 01 Jun 2017 12:48:07 +0000 Mrs. Pickle 2742720@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I can see why your sister is upset. I would be too. You tell her to hire someone... with her money or your moms? What if your mom can't afford to hire anyone? Your sister should have to pay for things like that by herself. Also if you haven't spoken in a year you don't really know how much free time she has. Being a SAHM doesn't mean she isn't busy. I think all of your siblings need to have a talk and find a way to equally split the care of your parents. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/good-luck-taking-care-of-mom#post-2742713 Thu, 01 Jun 2017 12:44:43 +0000 snowjewelz 2742713@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@autumnleaves: It sounds like maybe the best thing to do is to resign as POA then, so you and your brothers can take over and set up for other people to take her to appointments, etc and technically she should not feel guilty anymore since she isn't the POA (since in your family POA more or less also equals caregiver). </p> <p>It sucks b/c it seems like no one is forcing her to take it ALL on; I mean some parts she cannot avoid but you all suggested to get people to drive your mom to/fromt appts but she just feels guilty, yet she complains about it. it's like, no one wins. Your brothers can't do it since they're local, and you work so and already have to build in taking off for your kids so it's hard for you to take off for your mom too.</p> <p>Ugh, no point to my post but just to say I'm sorry you are all in this tough situation. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/good-luck-taking-care-of-mom#post-2742711 Thu, 01 Jun 2017 12:42:49 +0000 avivoca 2742711@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@autumnleaves: Yes, I understand how difficult it can be, truly I do! I hope you didn't take offense to my comment. I'm trying to think about how my sister and I will handle this as our parents age and it's just the two of us. My mom was the sole POA/caretaker of my grandmother until her death and it is physically/mentally/emotionally draining. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/good-luck-taking-care-of-mom#post-2742707 Thu, 01 Jun 2017 12:36:42 +0000 autumnleaves 2742707@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@avivoca: I have not offered to take my mom to appointments. With having 2 kids under 2 in the past 3 years and working full time I don't see myself having the time to take her to her appointments.<br /> Since I do not manage the finances for my mom and my sister hasn't been open to other people taking her to appointments - it wasn't something I pursued but now that my sister is resigning we can do that. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/good-luck-taking-care-of-mom#post-2742705 Thu, 01 Jun 2017 12:29:52 +0000 Maysprout 2742705@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@autumnleaves: In both DH and my family POA and caretaking have been separate things and everyone pitches in (though usually it does fall on one persons shoulder more so than others) for care taking since it's a lot of work. Even if someone from assisted livivng can take her to appointments there is still something to be said for having an advocate there who keeps track of medicines and asks important questions. </p> <p>As for your sister venting - that seems normal. I think you guys all need to sit down and talk to one another bc it does seem like your sister is trying to say mom needs cared for and it can't all fall on my shoulders. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/good-luck-taking-care-of-mom#post-2742704 Thu, 01 Jun 2017 12:28:51 +0000 autumnleaves 2742704@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Bluebonnet: @Mrs. Microscope: @LBee: Thank you! My brother has asked that when he is in town later this summer that all the siblings meet to discuss the future for both of my parents. I told him I am definitely up for that. Seeing the comments on here makes me see that this really needs to happen. I appreciate everyone pointing out POAs are not necessarily caregivers. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/good-luck-taking-care-of-mom#post-2742700 Thu, 01 Jun 2017 12:22:52 +0000 autumnleaves 2742700@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Truth Bombs: My brothers are not local. I ended up being the POA for my dad and my sister for my mom. I realize that POA and caregiver are not the same but somehow the POAs in are family are considered the person making caregiving decisions. I take my dad to appointments that I think I need to be present at and am trying to help him with things at his house, downsizing, etc. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/good-luck-taking-care-of-mom#post-2742696 Thu, 01 Jun 2017 12:17:12 +0000 looch 2742696@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>If you all live in driving distance, why not have a family meeting at an attorney's office to go thorough all the documentation and decide if it needs to be changed? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/good-luck-taking-care-of-mom#post-2742695 Thu, 01 Jun 2017 12:16:03 +0000 LBee 2742695@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@autumnleaves: I see this a lot with clients when they have been chosen as POA - the feeling personally responsible for everything. I will say that there seems to be a basic misunderstanding of what the POA role means in this situation. She isn't the sole caregiver. Further, just because she steps down from POA doesn't mean she's washed her hands of your mom. Just because you aren't POA doesn't mean you aren't equally responsible. It sounds like you all have some stuff to flush out -- and considering you are POA for your dad it behooves you to do it now rather than later. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/good-luck-taking-care-of-mom#post-2742693 Thu, 01 Jun 2017 12:15:04 +0000 2PeasinaPod 2742693@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@autumnleaves: I think part of this problem is that you're still putting the burden on her to find time to hire a caregiver or someone to drive your mom to and from appointments. Being a caregiver as well as POA is a lot to take on for anyone, and just because she's the one with the most free time and stays at home does not mean that she's not overworked having 2 jobs (being your mom's caregiver as well as a SAHM...that's a full time job in itself). I think she's looking to you and your siblings to offer to help her. Help her find a service that can do these things to help. Also, is there a money factor involved? I'm assuming that she doesn't have the money to be able to hire someone to take her to and from an appointment. That's also not a fair burden to put on her either.</p> <p>You said that you haven't talked to your sister in a year - is that by choice or just not having time? If one of my siblings didn't talk to me in a year because of time, and I was the primary caregiver of a parent, I'd be pretty upset about that. Not even a check in to see how things are going? I know I don't understand the full situation, but she's got a lot to be upset about. Especially with your answer to her "problems" is not to offer help, but to tell her to go see a therapist. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/good-luck-taking-care-of-mom#post-2742691 Thu, 01 Jun 2017 12:13:08 +0000 avivoca 2742691@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@autumnleaves: Knowing that things are difficult, have you ever offered to take your mother to appointments? Or maybe spoken with the assisted living center staff to set up someone to take your mother to/from her appointments? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/good-luck-taking-care-of-mom#post-2742689 Thu, 01 Jun 2017 12:08:00 +0000 autumnleaves 2742689@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Madison43: thank you! I don't think I was clear in my original post that though my sister doesn't communicate much with me - she texts my SIL and my brother all the time about her frustrations. She vents daily to them - to my SIL multiple times every day about a lot of things. If she never sent texts like this or sent them rarely I would have responded differently but she has been sending texts of frustration and resentment to family members for a long time. Her feelings haven't changed in years and I wish she didn't have so many negative feelings. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/good-luck-taking-care-of-mom#post-2742688 Thu, 01 Jun 2017 12:07:09 +0000 Truth Bombs 2742688@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Being a POA and being a primary caregiver are two separate issues. I have to echo what others have said that it sounds like you think your sister should be expected to shoulder the entire burden of carding for your mom just because she doesn't have hobbies. If there are other siblings why don't you all split the duties? Why haven't you spoken to her in a year and why doesn't she speak to your dad? It seems like there are a whole lot of family dynamic issues happening here that we don't know about. But from what you've given us, I'd be angry and resentful if I were your sister. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/good-luck-taking-care-of-mom#post-2742685 Thu, 01 Jun 2017 12:05:24 +0000 Bluebonnet 2742685@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@autumnleaves: My grandmother has been in assisted living for some time and my Mom primarily has been dealing with her care for years. Its been a tremendous burden on my Mom and she got to breaking point. It was so bad that my siblings and I were worried for my Mom's mental and physical health. She had a meeting with her siblings to explain that things can't continue to go forward the same way and everyone needed to pitch in. Things are much better now (although my Mom still bears the brunt of things). </p> <p>Do you know your Mom's financial situation? Does she have the finances to hire caregivers to take her to doctors appointments? What is your Mom's mental state? Can she process information from doctors and nurses about her situation and make sound decisions for herself? Or would it be better for a family member to go to ensure the doctors/nurses are fully aware of her situation and ask questions about her care? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/good-luck-taking-care-of-mom#post-2742680 Thu, 01 Jun 2017 11:59:39 +0000 autumnleaves 2742680@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@PawPrints: @LBee: @shabang: thank you - this is helpful! No one has asked my sister to do all these things. We have encouraged her to take a step back lots of times and hire a transportation service or let the assisted living community take her to the appointments but she hasn't wanted to do it. I think she feels obligated to do these things but none of my siblings or my mom have told her she should do them.</p> <p>She is the only sibling that does not work and she does have the most free time but I haven't told her she needs to do all that she does - I think it comes from within her and because she agreed to be POA and manage my mom's finances. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/good-luck-taking-care-of-mom#post-2742676 Thu, 01 Jun 2017 11:51:58 +0000 merriment 2742676@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>It does sound like an enormous burden has been placed on your sister.<br /> Honestly, I would be extremely resentful if I was in your sister's situation. Someone else making suggestions that would add to my workload would make me irate.<br /> (ie, don't tell her to ask the assisted care place if they can take your mom to appointments, just call the assisted care place yourself and ask)</p> <p>Also, seconding that having POA is not the same as being a caregiver. Caregivers do not have POA. I have POA for my mom and it literally involves doing nothing. </p>