https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Thu, 30 Apr 2026 11:02:06 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparent-deficit#post-2172017 Fri, 08 May 2015 12:27:58 +0000 youboots 2172017@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My parents had me in their mid 30s and are now in their mid 60s. They usually travel 4-6 months a year. While my Mom has been a big help while T is tiny- she is enjoying her own life, and I'm happy for them. They seem so young to me. My grandma is the one who seems old at 94. My MIL relishes being grandma and is 10 years younger than my parents, even though she is younger I expect she will be a more typical grandparent... Baking cookies and spoiling her with too many gifts. Her husband just loves being a Grandpa too. I think T will have a good mix of grandparents to be around. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparent-deficit#post-2171976 Fri, 08 May 2015 11:53:58 +0000 sapphire 2171976@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Anagram: my family is very similar - us kids cover an 18 year spread and I was an aunt at the age of 7! My mom is much more interested in being a grandma now that she doesn't have her own kids in the house and has been retired for a few years. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparent-deficit#post-2171974 Fri, 08 May 2015 11:52:00 +0000 sapphire 2171974@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I definitely get concerned about this. My parents had me late in life (mom 38, dad 39) and I was 32 when having my first LO and will likely be 34 or 35 for the next. My parents are already in their early 70s. My in laws are about 60 though. However, my paternal grandparents lived to be 100 and 97 but I was never that close to them. My parents are really involved with my LO so although they are older I think they'll have a lot of influence. I'm hoping for quality and not quantity of years. On the plus side, average life expectancy is also increasing... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparent-deficit#post-2171973 Fri, 08 May 2015 11:49:57 +0000 sunshineandsushi 2171973@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Generally speaking, no. We had our kids in our early 20's and all our parents are in early to mid 50's. But, my parents had my youngest brother late in life, a total surprise baby. So he's still just 14 and they are in the early 50's. Obviously whenever he has kids, they will experience different grandparents than my kids are right now. But same thing as how my brother is experiencing different parents than I did when I was his age. </p> <p>This is one reason DH and I wanted to have kids younger. We "look forward" to enjoying life after our kids are raised, and we want to be relatively young to still enjoy life with grandkids. Kind of reverse of what I guess some people think who want to wait to have kids for the reason of enjoying life now. :silly: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparent-deficit#post-2171972 Fri, 08 May 2015 11:48:38 +0000 Mamaof2 2171972@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@BKCaribBaby: I agree - for us its more of an issue of where we live - We are in one state, MIL is in another and my mom is in another and my dad is in a different one as well - so its just kinda hard to see everyone! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparent-deficit#post-2171961 Fri, 08 May 2015 11:31:51 +0000 Mrs. High Heels 2171961@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I just read this last night. I get that age can increase the chances of these things happening, but I don't think it should be a factor in family planning. There are a million reasons why grandparents could be out of the picture - bad relationships, distance, etc. We're an increasingly global society and the typical family looks very different today than it did a generation ago.</p> <p>As for us, we have experienced some of this even though we were considered "younger-ish" parents. My dad passed away in his 40s, and my FIL has dementia/early onset alzheimer's. My mom is still really busy with her career and not good with kids so only visits once every few months, but my MIL was their primary caregiver the very first year of both their lives. I guess you could say they are experiencing a grandparent deficit from their male grandparents, but it has little to do with the age we had children.</p> <p>One thing I am thankful for is that we don't have to straddle the dual work of taking care of an elderly, ill parent while taking care of our infant children. Our children are older now, and our mom's are both in robust health. Hopefully when it is time to take care of them my children will be a lot more independent. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparent-deficit#post-2171944 Fri, 08 May 2015 11:15:03 +0000 MOMTOLITTLEB 2171944@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@HLK208: I agree that it depends on the person. My husband did grow up with a grandparent deficiency. One grandfather passed away before he was born and his paternal grandparents lived on the other side of the country. So he had one local grandparent but none of them were interested in helping with the kids. I think my in laws are extra helpful because of this a little bit do we're just very lucky with grandparents! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparent-deficit#post-2171934 Fri, 08 May 2015 11:06:01 +0000 deerylou 2171934@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We have a deficit on one side, due to a general disinterest/grandparents doing their own thing. However, our situation is a little unique in that there's also a constant preoccupation with the other grandchildren that keeps DD on the fringes of what could otherwise be a tight relationship. </p> <p>While my father is older and deals with some health concerns that could play in later, my parents are definitely very involved, smitten, and wonderful. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparent-deficit#post-2171744 Fri, 08 May 2015 09:17:58 +0000 Applesandbananas 2171744@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My LO has a grandparent deficit not due to age but the whole grandparents off doing their own thing. All of his grandparents were in their mid-late 50s when he was born and none really care to be involved in his life much, though for MIL this is exacerbated by distance. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparent-deficit#post-2171734 Fri, 08 May 2015 09:06:16 +0000 HLK208 2171734@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>DH's parents are very young (they had him young and we were young when had our first) but they very much do their own thing. They aren't involved at all.</p> <p>Although, I had my first when I was young, my parents are in their 60's and they are very interactive and involved. </p> <p>I honestly think it depends on the person/family moreso than age. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparent-deficit#post-2171730 Fri, 08 May 2015 09:05:04 +0000 MOMTOLITTLEB 2171730@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This doesn't apply to our family. We had our little boy in our early 30s and all 4 grandparents are extremely involved. My in laws were a little older, late 60s, when they became grandparents but they're active and in good health. Our parents are busy but prioritize their grandchildren. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparent-deficit#post-2171724 Fri, 08 May 2015 09:00:36 +0000 Anya 2171724@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My daughter has three grandparents who are super involved, even the ones who are not close by. I grew up with just one, who I was not close to emotionally or geographically. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparent-deficit#post-2171722 Fri, 08 May 2015 08:57:44 +0000 catlady 2171722@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>To an extent, but not due to age. My mom passed away a few years ago and we are not super close to FIL. But LO has two loving and involved grandparents, which I think is great. They are both in their mid 60s, which doesn't seem too bad.</p> <p>Two of my own grandparents died before I was born and we were mostly estranged from the remaining two. I have no real relationship (or good memory of one) with any grandparent. So I personally definitely had a grandparent deficit and I'm glad LO will know at least two of hers well. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparent-deficit#post-2171718 Fri, 08 May 2015 08:52:40 +0000 dc yoga bee 2171718@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My parents had me in their 20s, and DH's parents had their children at 30, and then 35. So, my parents are under 60, and right at 60, and his are in early 60s. They're both active, and ecstatic to become grandparents. Both my grandparents have been alive and active in my entire life (I'm 28 now), except my dad's dad who died when my dad was 26. DH's mother is sick, and it was important to him we had kids sooner rather than later for her to have a chance to be in their lives. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparent-deficit#post-2171716 Fri, 08 May 2015 08:48:51 +0000 Jess1483 2171716@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My son is/will be much closer to his grandparents than I was to mine, and the age gaps are similar, but I do think that's more the exception than the rule. Many of his friends have only one living grandparent (while DS has 4 living grandparents and 4 living great-grandparents) and live far away from them. DS spends close to one night a week with my parents (and actually called for them last night at a 2:30 wake-up instead of mommy...) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparent-deficit#post-2171713 Fri, 08 May 2015 08:46:50 +0000 BKCaribBaby 2171713@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>While I am an older parent, the main reason why LO will not have grandparents around a lot is because they live far away. My parents had me when they were young, and all four of my grandparents had died before I was 2 years old. There are lots of reasons that contribute to people not having access to older relatives. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparent-deficit#post-2171706 Fri, 08 May 2015 08:43:26 +0000 MaryM 2171706@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Our children won't have living grandfathers, but that's mostly due to our dads dying in their 50s and 60s, so I don't think it's the same as this story is describing. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparent-deficit#post-2171704 Fri, 08 May 2015 08:43:02 +0000 snowjewelz 2171704@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I really only had 1 set of grandparents growing up since my dad's parents didn't live close by and both passed away when I was young. Right now DD has both sets of grandparents alive &amp; well plus they live near by... I'm hoping she will be able to grow up to actually know &amp; love them! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparent-deficit#post-2171684 Fri, 08 May 2015 08:28:32 +0000 oliviaoblivia 2171684@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Anagram: DH's family is similar, though two wives and nine kids. FIL has great grandchildren older than his youngest grandchild. DH and his sitters sisters are the same age as most of their nieces and nephews. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparent-deficit#post-2171675 Fri, 08 May 2015 08:21:53 +0000 mediagirl 2171675@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Yep. Grandparents are doing their own thing on his side. They're also in their 70's. Mine are still in their 60's (for another year or two). We don't have any grandparents near us because we are all floaters and have traveled and landed in different places. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparent-deficit#post-2171674 Fri, 08 May 2015 08:19:53 +0000 Mrs.KMM 2171674@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't feel like this applies to our family at all. Both sets of LO's grandparents will be in their 50s when she is born next month and all of them are ecstatic to become grandparents and be involved in her life. She is going to have four great, super involved grandparents! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparent-deficit#post-2171673 Fri, 08 May 2015 08:17:49 +0000 Mama Bird 2171673@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Yes :sad: I really wish my son's grandparents could participate more in his life and fill in for us when we can't. My grandma pretty much raised me and it was wonderful. She retired a few years early, partly because of us kids and partly because my grandpa was worried about her going on house calls in sketchy parts of town late at night.</p> <p>My MIL really wants to be involved more, but she's in her 70s and doesn't trust her health enough to watch B alone. My parents have to take care of my grandma and to some extent my brother, so they have enough on their plate. Plus they're just not into dealing with young kids. So it makes me sad that when they have free time they're always doing their own thing, but I know I'm wrong and have no right to expect any help.</p> <p>On the bright side, in a way I'm glad we have duo little help. If we didn't, I'd be under a lot of pressure to just focus on my career and leave the kids with someone else. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparent-deficit#post-2171593 Fri, 08 May 2015 07:00:41 +0000 looch 2171593@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My son has both sets of grandparents alive and actively particpating...my parents and ILs had my husband and I in their early 20s, so the fact that I had a child much later doesn't really come into play. They're all in their early to mid 60s, my MIL isn't even 60 yet, actually.</p> <p>It's going to be interesting to see what happens to my son and when he has children...if he has his first when I did, I will be 70. Not sure what the future is going to bring there. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparent-deficit#post-2171587 Fri, 08 May 2015 06:50:12 +0000 Anagram 2171587@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My family never fits these generalizations, just because we are so atypical. I'm one of 6 kids (same parents) and although my parents started having kids at age 20, they had their last kid at age 41. Continuing in that vein, my oldest two siblings were super young parents who also went through early divorces (both at exactly 7 years). One got married and had a baby at age 20 and the other at age 19. </p> <p>My parents had me at age 36 and I had LO at age 33.</p> <p>So my parents were grandparents (twice!) at age 41 (yes, same year they had their own last child--we call them "the triplets") and my mom will be a grandmother for the 8th time when my 2nd LO is born this summer. My mom will be 70 years old.</p> <p>BUT....from my perspective, my mom is able to be a much more fun and involved grandma NOW. It helps that she is very fit and active. She can out-exercise me any day--and does. And she just retired last year, so she has more time to devote to her grandkids. When the first grandkids were born, 26 years ago, she was still in the thick of parenting herself, still working full time, and although she did a lot for those grandkids it was different. She was more like a second parent back then--especially when the divorces happened. More involved in every-day parenting, more involved in their discipline. Now, she does no discipline (doesn't need to!) and just does fun, grandmotherly things with her grandkids.</p> <p>Anyway, I think she's been a great grandmother to all of the kiddos, even though her age has been wildly different for all of them.</p> <p>As of this summer, she will have grandkids ranging from 27 years old to infant age. =) =) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparent-deficit#post-2171585 Fri, 08 May 2015 06:46:57 +0000 ms.line 2171585@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My own mom and FIL are passed, and we're estranged from my MIL. My dad had me pretty late in life, and I'm definitely feeling the pressure to have a baby while he's still in good health. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparent-deficit#post-2171570 Fri, 08 May 2015 06:29:34 +0000 Tanjowen 2171570@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I only had one grandmother around growing up and she wasn't the snuggly type. I am grateful I had a wonderful relationship when we grew up but I am very glad my LO has 2 sets of fun, snuggly grandparents that get on the floor with him and spoil him rotten. My parents tend to go way above and beyond on the grand parenting because their parents weren't involved. And as the article states, they help with the caretaking and extra load with the kids. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparent-deficit#post-2171563 Fri, 08 May 2015 06:23:34 +0000 blackbird 2171563@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Yes. more so because "grandparents are doing their own thing", at least in part to my folks. Also this part of the article hits home: "grandmothers are "aghast at being seen as elderly, and dieting to excess and having plastic surgery and so forth to try and look young,"" Insanely spot on. My mother didn't come up to see E when she was born because she had just had a tummy tuck. E really only has one very involved grandma (her boyfriend is fabulous, though, and he definitely counts in my book). It really sucks she doesn't have two GREAT sets, but also, one great set is more than a lot of children get, so I will count my blessings. But it makes me sad to see my friends who have their parents be SO involved in their kids' lives, who have good relationships with them, etc. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparent-deficit#post-2171539 Fri, 08 May 2015 05:20:37 +0000 Mrs. Lemon-Lime 2171539@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>The 'grandparent deficit' for older parents<br /> <a href="http://www.cnn.com//2015/04/28/living/feat-grandparent-deficit-older-parents/index.html" rel="nofollow">http://www.cnn.com//2015/04/28/living/feat-grandparent-deficit-older-parents/index.html</a></p> <p>This article discusses why this generation of kids will experience a "grandparent deficit." Parents are having children later in life just like their parents did before them; "60 is the new 40" and grandparents are doing their own thing.</p> <p>Will your children experience a grandparent deficit? Thoughts? </p>