https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Sat, 18 Apr 2026 14:10:58 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparent-favoritism#post-2684447 Sat, 21 Jan 2017 16:36:25 +0000 Mrs. Lemon-Lime 2684447@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This probably would not bother me all that much. Your MIL sounds extremely close to her daughter and that particular grandson. It's a different relationship and as such her affection dictates how she chooses to spend her time and money.</p> <p>A little different, but makes sense. A few years ago SIL was dating a guy that was always around MIL and other SIL (baby of the family). Baby SIL called him her brother and I was still her DH's wife. I was a bit miffed at first, but I had not made the effort to endear myself. </p> <p>Now your MIL is invited to do things with your family, but she's had years invested with the other family. You would thini it would be an easy habit to break and make more room. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparent-favoritism#post-2684312 Sat, 21 Jan 2017 06:33:51 +0000 looch 2684312@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@kiddosc: If it bothers you, the only way to do anything about it is to change it on your end. If you're not willing to do more, then it is what it is...and i mean this all generally, not specifically to you, I hope you understand.</p> <p>I grew up with no grandparents around. There was not only a geographic barrier, but a language and cultural barrier as well. I didn't want that for my son, because I did feel I missed out so I work hard to have a relationship with my inlaws so that my son has a relationship with his grandparents. Now, my MIL and mother have both said that a relationship between a mother and daughter is different than the relationship between MIL and DIL. It's not that they can't approximate each other, but they respect that there are boundaries and such to navigate. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparent-favoritism#post-2684280 Fri, 20 Jan 2017 22:30:03 +0000 maddyz 2684280@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My mom is much closer to us and our kids then mil. This isn't really surprising to me. I want my mom's help and support in a way my mil can't give. It's just different.</p> <p>But I get it, we are always trying to reach out to my fil and most of the time he just doesn't seem interested. I think maybe it's because the kids are little and he's not such a little kid person, but still. It's hard to keep trying when it doesn't feel wanted. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparent-favoritism#post-2684003 Fri, 20 Jan 2017 14:11:36 +0000 Mommy Finger 2684003@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I grew up like this. My dad's family (3 sisters plus my grandparents) all moved to FL and we're in IL. Only one of my aunts had kids (4) and my grandparents clearly favored them as they had a big hand in raising them. It would bother me when I was younger since I would see things like the Christmas presents she gave them vs what we got. I mean, one year, I got a free gift from Mary Kay. And it's carried over to our kids as my cousin posted all of the presents my Grandma bought for his kids and let's be honest, I'm lucky to get a FB post 2 weeks late about my own birthday. This is coupled with the fact that my one aunt has taken all of my cousin's on lavish foreign vacations and I think has visited us once or twice in the past 10 years. So yeah it sucks but you can't change people. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparent-favoritism#post-2683884 Fri, 20 Jan 2017 10:30:50 +0000 ShootingStar 2683884@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My MIL is very close to her daughter and to her daughter's DD. They have a far closer relationship than she has with DS, who's older. And of course better than with my DD who's only 5 months. </p> <p>At Christmas her house was filled with toys for SILs daughter, and I noticed her doing things like changing diapers, which she's never once done for my kids. On one hand it makes me a little sad. On the other hand, I'm not willing to put in the work for all of us to be closer to her. She tends to be very needy, and if I encouraged it, she'd have DH there every weekend fixing something or doing something for her. </p> <p>As for the birthday thing, I know you've said it stings, but seriously, think about it from the other way around. I know when I was having LO2 I needed my mom/parents to come and help and if my mom had decided instead to go to another grandkid's first birthday party I would've been really upset. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparent-favoritism#post-2683883 Fri, 20 Jan 2017 10:30:43 +0000 Anagram 2683883@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@kiddosc: Maybe it's just a case of different families having different expectations. Everything you've said about your MIL is true of my own mother, but we both like it this way and it's how my whole family is and luckily, my husband doesn't read much into either way. My mom only comes to visit when asked. We usually pay her airfare (generally, she is coming because we've asked her to come because we need her to cover a few days of nanny vacation or something, so paying her airfare seems fair). Even though my kids get less everything--less time, less closeness, probably less in terms of monetary gifts--I don't feel like they are deprived in any way. My mom also doesn't ask to set up skypes with us (DH's parents do), but I'm fine with that too because I know she's there when I want to reach her. Our relationship just operates on different givens than say, My in-laws to my husband. My inlaws do a lot of the calling to my husband. And they will ask for us to visit or will schedule a visit. And my mom will let us do our own thing and reach out when we have time....but she's always, always there for us when we need her.</p> <p>You've said your husband is totally fine with his relationship with his mom. You can't change how your MIL interacts, so you can either try to adjust your own expectations or you can try extra hard to do all those things you mention she doesn't do on her own--facetime sessions, visits to see her, etc.</p> <p>Maybe I find all this very normal because I grew up in Texas with both sides of my grandparents in Virginia. So I saw my grandparents 1-2 times a year whereas my cousins were all living directly next door and saw them daily. They had special nicknames "like Me-maw" for our grandma and we just called her "Grandma LastName" very formally. But even at that age, I understood that our relationship was more formal because we didn't see her as often. It didn't affect me...I never felt like I was missing out. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparent-favoritism#post-2683844 Fri, 20 Jan 2017 09:55:34 +0000 kiddosc 2683844@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I feel like I need to add that I generally get along great with my MIL. She is in fact a very nice lady, and our visits are pleasant. We're not especially close, but we can sit and have a good conversation when we have the chance. I don't really think any of this is intentional, but it's still something that bothers me. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparent-favoritism#post-2683837 Fri, 20 Jan 2017 09:49:53 +0000 kiddosc 2683837@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Anagram: You're right, my SIL is on the hook for a heck of a lot more "mom care" than we are. But I feel like that relationship is mutually beneficial to the two of them. SIL helps out MIL, and in return MIL does a LOT for SIL. Obviously because of their proximity and interdependence, they're going to have a different relationship, and I don't expect for MIL to know as much about my kids as she does SIL's or to have the same type of closeness. I just ask for a little more consideration for my kids. </p> <p>The gifts and the trips to visit are just a tangible aspect of the bigger problem, that she isn't putting in the effort to have a closer relationship with the kids. She happily video chats if I set it up, but never sets up a time on her own. She will come visit if we specifically invite her, but doesn't plan to visit on her own. DH doesn't push these contacts either, and I feel like I'm fighting to build a relationship that no one else gives a hoot about. </p> <p>@Boogs: We'll never live near each other again. She is born and raised in Texas and we're in Wisconsin. She thinks we're buried under 10 feet of snow 9 months of the year :silly: No way is she moving here, and I can't see us ever moving back. The lack of visits isn't a financial thing. We often pay for her airfare, but she's very capable of affording it. </p> <p> @erinbaderin: I wouldn't expect them for any other birthday, but I feel like the first birthday is different. In my head I know that it doesn't make any sense for her to come, and that obviously she'd want to be there for SIL. It just stings in the context of everything else. </p> <p>@Adira: In my head, I understand it. Of course she would be close to a child she helped raise. But it still upsets me sometimes, because feelings aren't always rational. And YES! to your last paragraph. When we called to tell her we were expecting she said congratulations, then launched into an unrelated story about other grandkid. :shocked: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparent-favoritism#post-2683751 Fri, 20 Jan 2017 07:37:45 +0000 Adira 2683751@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think this probably happens in all families. Especially if some people are physically closer than others. We have a similar situation with my in-laws. SIL had her first child a LOT earlier than we had ours, so there were at least 6 years where the in-laws only had one grandchild - her's. She also wasn't always financially independent, so they helped her out a lot. Because of that, they are a lot closer to her kids than they are to mine. It definitely bugs me at times, but I also understand it.</p> <p>The same thing is true with my own grandparents. I have a cousin that lives right down the road from them and they see her several times a week. On the other hand, my brother and I live in another state and only see them a few times a year. So I guess it's natural that they would be a lot closer to the grandchild they see all the time versus the ones they don't.</p> <p>I think what's important though is trying to be fair. My grandparents (as far as I know) gift all the grandchildren the same value gifts. They tend to just give me cash, but they might give my cousin an actual gift since they might know her interests better. But I believe they'll be valued equally. And when we spend time with them, they definitely try to spend more time with us when we are there, since they don't see us as often. I really appreciate that!</p> <p>On the other hand, my in-laws aren't as good at this. When we have family gatherings, I feel like they still spend more time with SIL's kids than with mine, even though they already see SIL's kids more. And they are always talking about stuff they do with SIL's kids, instead of asking about OUR kids and trying to get to know our kids better. That kind of behavior is definitely where the favoritism becomes obvious and makes me bitter. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparent-favoritism#post-2683745 Fri, 20 Jan 2017 07:08:59 +0000 erinbaderin 2683745@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I just want to make sure I'm understanding - your MIL lives a 2.5 hour flight away? I absolutely would not expect somebody to fly in for a one year old's birthday party. I also don't think your kids are ever going to look back and feel slighted that all the grandparents weren't there. It also honesty makes sense to me that she would schedule her visits to you around other important events - if it's all the same to everybody why not come in a week when her other grandson doesn't have a school play? If she was missing the birthday party for a baseball game that would bother me, but it doesn't sound like that's the case. The inequality in spending would also bother me but that's not something your kids will notice for a while. And even that - if everybody got something they really liked that's more important than the precise dollar amount. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparent-favoritism#post-2683714 Thu, 19 Jan 2017 23:05:19 +0000 Boogs 2683714@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Anagram: I can definitely understand and agree with a lot of your perspective now that I've read everything again. If she was living with SIL, they were obviously financially helping in some way, so some of the things you pointed out would be understandable. They obviously must be there for her for other reasons, as well. The people in my life that have moments like this don't have distance or heavy lifting as contributing factors, so maybe I wasn't seeing things like that before. I really do enjoy seeing different perspectives, that's one thing I love from HB.</p> <p>@kiddosc: Is there a chance you'll all live closer to each other again one day? Maybe the dynamics of your relationships would change for the positive at that point? Since your MIL is single and wasn't living on her own for so long, was is maybe in part because she had some financial difficulties that make travel harder for her? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparent-favoritism#post-2683675 Thu, 19 Jan 2017 21:56:52 +0000 Anagram 2683675@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@kiddosc: I don't know, I guess I'm the odd one out. But my mom lives in the same town as one of my sisters in another state. My mom is available to them for random things like early school pickup days, she sometimes cooks dinner for them, she takes my niece and nephew on vacations. Their gifts are much more expensive--like she got tickets to One Direction last year for my niece. And my daughter got some books. And that was MORE than fine with me.</p> <p>The thing is, my sister and her husband also have to be a lot more involved with my mom. If something mechanical breaks at my moms house, guess who she calls? Hint...it's not me. If she gets locked out of her house, or is bored, or needs a recommendation, or has a day surgery/procedure.....she calls my sister or her husband for all of those things. My sister is doing the heavy lifting of parent care in our family, not me. It makes sense to me that my mom would be closer to her kids, just because they see each other more often. My niece and nephew sleep over frequently and my mom is the one that takes my niece back to school shopping for clothes. </p> <p>I still think my mom is awesome though, and she still comes to visit us 1-2x a year, so I don't tally up $ she spends on gifts and things like that.</p> <p>Also, the birth vs birthday thing. Since this is your MIL, I gather that she is SILs actual mother? It does make sense to me that her mother being available to watch her kids overnight or to be around post partum to help with other kids trumps a birthday party. I don't think you have a right to be angry at that. For the record, none of our parents came from out of town to our kiddos birthday parties this past year. And it was totally fine, we didn't expect them to.</p> <p>Anyway, I think if you want to make it more even, you should ask your MIL to move in with you for 7 years. =) Then she'll be SUPER close to your kids! Totally kidding, but it's something you could consider. Offer to have her move closer and you'll financially support the move? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparent-favoritism#post-2683673 Thu, 19 Jan 2017 21:55:12 +0000 azjax 2683673@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Since there isn't much you can do about it, I would let go of the worry. I agree with the PP, your MIL is going to get out what she put in and maybe someday she'll be sad about not being closer to your children. Just know that neither you or your baby have done anything wrong and it's just a gap in your MIL's character. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparent-favoritism#post-2683660 Thu, 19 Jan 2017 21:41:08 +0000 ElbieKay 2683660@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would find that pretty unacceptable and would not bother trying to sustain much of a relationship. Why seek out opportunities to make my kid feel like second fiddle? No thanks. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparent-favoritism#post-2683635 Thu, 19 Jan 2017 20:56:43 +0000 JennyD 2683635@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>my mom lives with my sister and takes cares of her kids. So she's very close with them. And my MiL takes care of DH's sisters' kids. So she's very close with them. This accounts for ALL of my nieces and nephews. We have the only child that isn't regularly cared for by her grandparents. I don't necessarily feel like there's favouritism, exactly... But my sister and DH's sisters totally get priority. And it definitely bugs me. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparent-favoritism#post-2683481 Thu, 19 Jan 2017 18:13:37 +0000 littlejoy 2683481@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Our family is complicated (so many cousins for LO, but we live far away, and there's divorce, step-kids, etc.) ... BUT, I know I am not the favorite grandchild of one set of my grandparents, haha. I'm totally ok with it. My grandma shares things about my cousins ALL of the time, but rarely mentions me (I'm her step-grandchild, so maybe that's why)? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparent-favoritism#post-2683458 Thu, 19 Jan 2017 17:54:18 +0000 Boogs 2683458@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@kiddosc: I know what you mean, we have people like that in our lives. All I know, is that one day the kids will see for themselves at least it's not a fault of us, but others, and we've done all we can do at least. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparent-favoritism#post-2683431 Thu, 19 Jan 2017 17:15:27 +0000 Mama Bird 2683431@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Well then, she is going to get back what she puts in. A close relationship with your SIL's kids and a much more distant one with your kids. They know when someone doesn't make the effort. </p> <p>At least she's not favoring one sibling over another. That's even worse. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparent-favoritism#post-2683429 Thu, 19 Jan 2017 17:13:58 +0000 kiddosc 2683429@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Teachermama: SIL is definitely the favored child, it's part of the reason DH questioned having more than one. I suppose he's just used to it by now. </p> <p>@Boogs: @LindsayLou: I know there isn't anything that can be done. I'm just upset that A will look back and see that there were grandparents missing from her first birthday and I wonder how it will make my kids feel when they're old enough to understand. </p> <p>FIL isn't coming either (they're divorced). He didn't even meet A until she was 7 months old. I'm just feeling a little like they don't care about our kids since we moved. We get a lot of guilt trips from both about how they won't get to see the kids, but the effort to arrange video calls or trips is very one sided. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparent-favoritism#post-2683427 Thu, 19 Jan 2017 17:13:13 +0000 bookwormmama 2683427@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <br /><p><i>This comment has been deleted by the original poster.</i></p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparent-favoritism#post-2683407 Thu, 19 Jan 2017 16:54:18 +0000 LindsayLou 2683407@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We have a similar situation. My husband has a son from a previous relationship. He's 11 now, and my mil has always been very involved with him. He has a room at her house, and up until pretty recently spent at least one weekend a month at her house. Our daughter is 17 months. My mil clearly, blatantly favors my stepson. I try and just let it go. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparent-favoritism#post-2683370 Thu, 19 Jan 2017 16:31:09 +0000 Boogs 2683370@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would be upset. It's a bummer there's nothing that can be done about it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparent-favoritism#post-2683368 Thu, 19 Jan 2017 16:29:50 +0000 Teachermama 2683368@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>That's the same here. I used to be upset. But then I saw how my BIL is the favored one over DH, so I guess that's to be expected, and I accept it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparent-favoritism#post-2683353 Thu, 19 Jan 2017 16:15:15 +0000 kiddosc 2683353@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm really struggling with the fact that my MIL has a clear favorite when it comes to grandkids. She lived with my SIL since her son was 4 months old to age 7, he's currently 11 and she was his primary caretaker while his parents worked. She still picks him up from school every day. She is HEAVILY involved in his life and will put off visiting us (we live a 2.5 hour flight away) due to one of his events (like a baseball game, school play). This Christmas I was talking to SIL and she was telling me a story about how her mom had wanted to buy him an expensive gaming console for Christmas but SIL put her foot down and said no. The gifts she bought for my children were about 1/4 the price of the gaming system and still valued at significantly less than the gift she did end up buying for him. Now SIL is having another baby and is due 2 days before A's first birthday. So of course MIL will not be making the trip for the party. I kind of understand this one, but am still a little upset about it. </p> <p>This is all very foreign to me, as my parents make a strong effort to spend equally among their children and grandchildren. (To be fair, my kids are the only grandchildren thus far, but they spend equally for the two kids and were always careful about this with my brothers and I growing up.) Also, when our first was born and we lived near my in-laws, my parents traveled to us for the birth, another two times in his first year and for his first birthday. DH seems pretty unbothered by it all. Am I just overreacting, or would you be upset too? </p>