https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Tue, 21 Apr 2026 17:08:07 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparents-moving-away#post-2793775 Wed, 27 Dec 2017 19:15:06 +0000 LemonJack 2793775@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm so sorry. I would feel so incredibly hurt. I agree with what @gingerbebe said about using this as an opportunity to reassess your long term plans. If you aren't happy with the thought of living there long term now that your in laws are planning on moving away, I would make sure to discuss that with your husband. It doesn't mean you need to move anytime soon, but at least creating a plan might be helpful. Is there anywhere else you'd like to go? Back to Chicago? Close to where your in laws are moving? Someplace else entirely? You could start those discussions now so that you're in the position to move when the time is right. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparents-moving-away#post-2793768 Wed, 27 Dec 2017 18:04:08 +0000 gingerbebe 2793768@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@karenbme: I hear ya, we had our kids at 33 and 35. I'm not saying you should put off having children longer - its more the idea that time is going to pass one way or another, so you should use that time in a way that moves your life forward in the way you want it to. It sounds like you and your husband need to sort out your living situation if you think you can't live there long term and your husband thinks he's going to live there forever. Perhaps while your TTC, you can come up with some kind of plan? DH and I did this a lot - we played hypotheticals about moving to one place or another, when we'd do it, etc. Our eldest is 3 now and we still have talks about it all the time (now we're sorta like are we sure this is where we wanna be, because once he starts school its gonna be harder to uproot him, etc). </p> <p>I think its totally fine to distance yourself from your inlaws. And honestly, if you're just not up for hanging out with them, I wouldn't push yourself to slap a happy face on and try to push through. It could just make you more resentful in the long run and I think it could be a situation where your husband can run interference and say the holidays were a lot harder than expected for you and that you'd like a break for a while. </p> <p>Anyways, I totally get everything you're feeling - feel free to vent away! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparents-moving-away#post-2793767 Wed, 27 Dec 2017 17:53:58 +0000 youboots 2793767@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I totally get what you are saying. On the flip side we are considering a move in the next few years 3 hours away and no one will be happy about it. We have a few acquaintances there but no real friends or community. Frankly we live the climate. We would be choosing to leave famiky help for the weather. Ultimately what I’ve learned is you can not make anyone do anything. Plans change. Promises are broken. I consider DH the only guarantee in life to me, and my DD until she goes off to college, everything else is a bonus. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparents-moving-away#post-2793766 Wed, 27 Dec 2017 17:44:17 +0000 karenbme 2793766@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@JLC53: thank you for sharing. It always helps to know you're not alone. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparents-moving-away#post-2793763 Wed, 27 Dec 2017 17:40:24 +0000 karenbme 2793763@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@erinbaderin: thanks for sharing. I hope that we'll still have that sort of support, but over Christmas MIL was telling my SILs about how hard it is to get to their town from where we live, so I'm not optimistic that that's going to be our situation. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparents-moving-away#post-2793762 Wed, 27 Dec 2017 17:31:02 +0000 karenbme 2793762@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@gingerbebe: Thank you for the novel, seriously. I get what you're saying about feelings associated with the future that I expected, that's 100% on the nose. And maybe the answer is that we, or at least I, back away from my in laws. My MIL in particular is trying to be really supportive about the miscarriage, so I don't know if just saying I'm struggling would be enough to cancel plans though.</p> <p>In terms of being strategic and using the extra time, the hardest part right now is that we feel like we don't have the time to waste. I'm 33 almost 34 and we know we want 2 kids. We have been, over the past three years, working on fixing up our house, and paying down student loans, and traveling, which has been great, but has felt like a placeholder, with the ultimate goal being kids and family. And this last setback just feels like we've lost so much that we can't replace, both in terms of the physical loss and in terms of time. </p> <p>In terms of where we want to be without constraints of family, for me where we're living now isn't a long term place because of the lack of economic opportunity and the winters where it's too cold to go outside and there aren't things like museums to do things indoors kill me. Honestly, I wouldn't have moved here if I had known this is how it would end up. But DH loves it here and doesn't care that he's working for the only company in the area that does what he does because he wants to work at that company for the next 30 years. I also feel stuck because trying to move and ttc are kind of incompatible as a woman. Applying for jobs knowing that I might not even be guaranteed FMLA protection feels so risky, and at a time when additional financial risk seems like a big thing to take on. And going back to the age issue I feel like I don't have time to take a break trying because I know I want kids plural. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparents-moving-away#post-2793760 Wed, 27 Dec 2017 17:22:24 +0000 erinbaderin 2793760@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I’m really sorry that you’re disappointed and upset. My parents lived 15 minutes away from me during the five years I spent getting pregnant. When I was finally six weeks pregnant, before they knew, they announced they were selling their house and moving full time to our cottage, four hours away. It sucked and we were disappointed but they’re adults, they have to live their own life. We now see them probably once a month, they’re good about coming down if we ask them to babysit and have even dropped everything and come when the kids were sick and couldn’t go to daycare. Three hours isn’t really too far away. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparents-moving-away#post-2793752 Wed, 27 Dec 2017 16:18:56 +0000 JLC53 2793752@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I totally understand why you are upset. Your picture of the future is being pulled out from under you. Personally, I would let they know you are happy for them, but hurt and sad at the same time. This just happened in my family, not directly to me, and it has really created resentment. </p> <p>My cousin and her family (3 kids) moved to Florida. 6 months later my Aunt and Uncle followed to Florida to be close to their grand kids and daughter. Although my Uncle and Aunt have mentioned moving to Florida before. My other cousin, my aunt and uncle's son announced that they were pregnant with their first child a few weeks after my uncle and aunt announced they were moving. My cousin was and still is in a way very angry with his parents. He is mad that they choose his sister over him. Even tough the plan of them moving was already in the works before they knew his wife was pregnant, but he says they knew they were trying. </p> <p>What I am trying to say by telling my family's story is you are not the only one to feel this way. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparents-moving-away#post-2793750 Wed, 27 Dec 2017 16:16:48 +0000 gingerbebe 2793750@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm very sorry for your loss. I think right now, your feelings of loss are being projected on to your in-laws. Its not just about your ILs moving, but that your personal plans for your family and the way that you envisioned your life going isn't happening the way you wanted in the timeframe you wanted. So while everyone's life seems like its moving forward, you feel stuck. So you're feeling frustrated and hurt and want to get some of that ick off your chest and on to someone's plate. That's totally understandable, but its just not a good place from which to judge relationships or try to have constructive conversations.</p> <p>DH and I do not have help from family. We also had 3 years of IF, 2 miscarriages, and they diagnosed a brain tumor shortly after my 2nd MC for which I had to have surgery. It then took a year to recover and we were advised to seek ICSI IVF because DH ended up having issues too. We literally miraculously got pregnant on our own both times and now have 2 boys.</p> <p>We do not have family help day to day with our kids, and after a few weird situations, we do not really use babysitters. If our kids our sick, one of us takes the day off. But its also like the only thing we know, so we just grind it out and make the changes in our lives and careers to accommodate that. Sure, work might get annoyed, but everyone at my job knows we have zero family around and that there's nothing we can do about it. </p> <p>DH's siblings have help from his parents and their ILs and its IS a totally different vibe. And sometimes I do envy that they can just dump their kids off on my ILs for the weekend or get help picking up their kids, but its just not the situation we're in. My family initially was very involved and made lots of promises and commitments when I had my first child, but then they MAJORLY let us down and we got completely hosed on childcare at a really bad time despite all the talks and negotiations ahead of time, so they aren't very involved in our lives anymore. </p> <p>What I've learned is that when you don't have family, you build your network as you need it. Truly. We have some friends who after our oldest was born decided they really wanted to be involved in our kids' lives. They come over 1-2 times a month at least to hang out with us and the kids and they will sit and watch TV while our kids are asleep so we can get a date night in every now and then. They don't have kids, but they really adore our boys and if we were in a full emergency, we would definitely call them and they would definitely drop everything and go get them for us. You also befriend other families and parents who have kids similar in age and you end up running into them at the same events around town. We are also involved in our church and know that again, if push came to shove, we could call someone for help if we really needed it.</p> <p>Anyways, I think its totally fair to distance yourself from your ILs for a while with an honest preface that you're struggling with your loss and also with the feelings of loss associated with a version of the future you had hoped for. I think that's vague enough and easy enough to understand. And don't host your family after the New Year if you don't want to.</p> <p>What you might think about doing is envision a fresh start. Now that the constraints and limitations of having family around are gone, ask yourself is living in this town the best version of your life? Do you want to go back to Chicago? Do you want to move anywhere else? Do you want to have kids at all? Do you want to move the timeline at all? Is there anything you want to do other than have kids right now?</p> <p>These are all things DH and I discussed while we were going through my brain tumor recovery. We traveled, we had all sorts of adventures and experiences, we worked on our careers and finances, and focused on being healthy.<br /> Right before we got pregnant with our eldest, my husband was like "You know, I'm really happy with our life right now. If we never had kids and just kept living this life, I really think it would be a fine life." And I agreed. It had been a tough long road for us, but we were stronger as a couple and we were really just happy because there was no tie or family or obligation tying us to anything. </p> <p>Sorry for the novel, I just really relate to how you feel right now and hope that you can process your grief in a way that is more healthy and positive and freeing. Hugs to you. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparents-moving-away#post-2793744 Wed, 27 Dec 2017 15:40:44 +0000 crazydoglady 2793744@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@karenbme: I'm sorry. It really adds insult to injury when you've had a loss and other people don't really seem to understand the other implications of it. For them, it seems like a logical move to be closer to their grandchildren after retirement, but I also understand the underlying message that you don't have children (yet!) Since you can't really change their plans and the only person who is truly obligated to share a "life plan" with is your husband, I would let it go and embrace your new home. I would definitely bring up the fact that it hurts your feelings that they seem so excited to move away, but leave it at that. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparents-moving-away#post-2793739 Wed, 27 Dec 2017 15:23:07 +0000 cake2017 2793739@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I’m very sorry to hear this. I know it has to be very stressful. Honestly, I would be very hurt and upset about this too. I think DH should express this to his parents and if you’re close to them I don’t think it would be a problem to express your heart as well. </p> <p>They know you two moves closer so they can be helpful and have a relationship with the future grandkids? I’m sad that they would just up and leave if they knew the sacrifice you and DH took to be closer.... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparents-moving-away#post-2793738 Wed, 27 Dec 2017 15:13:16 +0000 snowjewelz 2793738@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@karenbme: I am so sorry you have to deal with the disappointment on top of miscarriage :sad: Maybe your DH should be the one to bring up the fact that it hurts when they keep gushing about the move in front of you guys. But it seems like he is advising not to talk about it either... It's a really tough call, b/c I feel like if they were insensitive enough to talk about the move constantly in front of you, then they may not understand your feelings now and talking about it may backfire. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparents-moving-away#post-2793704 Wed, 27 Dec 2017 13:30:29 +0000 karenbme 2793704@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Truth Bombs: I'm not upset about the moving, disappointed definitely and re-evaluating the relationships, but not mad at them. I do feel like going on and on about how hard it is to go back and forth and how moving is going to solve that in front of us is insensitive, and I do want that to stop. Have those conversations when we're not in the room. They did know that we moved to be near them, and I remember a conversation with both of them about how much we were looking forward to them being involved with our kids. Like I said I'm not mad at them, disappointed and sad that I uprooted my life for something that now isn't going to be, seemingly because it's taking too long for us to have kids. And with all the other sadness I have going on right now, I feel like I can only disengage or talk about it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparents-moving-away#post-2793698 Wed, 27 Dec 2017 13:19:05 +0000 karenbme 2793698@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Pollywog: Thanks. They do know about the miscarriage. They were the first people we told when we found out I was pregnant. In terms of splitting time, their plan is to use the money from selling their house here to buy a place in the new town. MIL has said that she'll come visit regularly, but it's just different. They won't be there for the little things or when we need help urgently. When we moved here I didn't know anyone, and I've made friends and so has DH plus a few lifelong friends here still, but no one that I would feel comfortable listing as an emergency contact on a day care form, you know? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparents-moving-away#post-2793695 Wed, 27 Dec 2017 13:11:18 +0000 Truth Bombs 2793695@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>When you moved to VT did you tell them you were doing so because you wanted to raise your future children near them? And confirm with them that they had plans long term to stay there? If not, I don't think you have a whole lot of ground to be upset with them. Certainly to be disappointed, but not upset with them. My parents are considering moving near us to be close to me and my children, but we have lots of discussions about what we expect the future to look like so we are all on the same page from the front end. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparents-moving-away#post-2793694 Wed, 27 Dec 2017 13:07:06 +0000 Pollywog 2793694@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Hugs. I'm so sorry. Do they know about the miscarriage? I know my ILs were especially difficult about mine. If I were you, I'd say something like "I'm really sad you're moving. We really wanted to raise our kids near family, which is why we moved here. It's been a way longer journey than we'd hoped for, but we will miss having our children see you regularly " Do you think they'd consider splitting their time so they'd still be in VT several months a year? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparents-moving-away#post-2793685 Wed, 27 Dec 2017 12:45:23 +0000 karenbme 2793685@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Sorry, this is going to be a long story. About 6 years ago DH and I uprooted our lives in Chicago and moved 1000 miles to his home town in VT so that we would be near his parents when we had kids. It took a couple of years to get established here, but when we were ready to start trying I was diagnosed with a health issue (literally at our preconception appointment) that necessitated a surgery that came with a recommendation to wait at least 2 years before trying to get pregnant. After the two years plus a little more time to wrap up some home projects we started trying this summer. But MIL and FIL announced in July that they were planning to move 3 hours away to the town where DH's 2 sisters live, "to be closer to grandkids," when MIL retires in the fall. At that point DH told MIL that we were trying and had hoped that they would be around. I got pregnant in September and was happy that they would be around at least the first few months, but lost the baby right before Thanksgiving. </p> <p>Christmas was really rough on a number of levels. Being around nieces and nephews right after the miscarriage, and then on top of all of it having to listen to all of them gush about how great it's going to be when MIL and FIL move down there and how hard it is to get from the town we live in to the town they're moving to for visits. It really drove home how everything that we'd planned for our kids was going to happen for SIL1 &amp; 2s families instead.</p> <p>We're having them over for dinner right after the new year, and I don't know if I can keep quiet about it. I really thought I had a good relationship with my in laws and that they were the supportive family that I didn't have in my family of origin. DH doesn't think it will help anything and might even alienate them from us to be honest about how I feel, but I don't know how I can sit at dinner and make small talk. Each other kid in DH's family has family within half an hour now, and when MIL and FIL move we're going to be an island with no family within 3 hours when we literally moved halfway across the country so that we could raise our kids near family. I don't expect it to change their plans, but at least we'll all be on the same page.</p> <p>What would you do? Would you be honest about how you feel or try to just gloss over it? If you don't have family near by to rely on, how does it work? So far I've done a really good job of being happy and supportive, but I'm so wrecked with the miscarriage and losing them I just don't think I'm going to be able to even be normal without addressing how I feel. </p>