https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Thu, 16 Apr 2026 08:03:41 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparents-who-refuse-to-babysit/page/2#post-2262017 Wed, 12 Aug 2015 19:25:35 +0000 matador84 2262017@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My family lives 6 hours away and my inlaws live here. They never offer to watch kids and I know they wouldn't either. They just aren't kid people...which seems weird considering they had children. Not a big deal to me--I personally don't want someone watching my kids who doesn't want to. I get sitters and they love my kids so I'm more than happy to pay to get someone to watch them so I can do errands or have me time. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparents-who-refuse-to-babysit/page/2#post-2261853 Wed, 12 Aug 2015 13:51:25 +0000 MtnBiker 2261853@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: My mom is also jealous of my MIL. You're not alone in that regard either. I don't understand it. Her mother also watched me every day until I was 5 (I loved it!)... so I really thought she'd be all up in my house and I'd have the opposite problem I do now. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparents-who-refuse-to-babysit/page/2#post-2261300 Tue, 11 Aug 2015 20:47:13 +0000 FannyMae 2261300@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't have personal experience with this issue, but I wanted to add an anectode - my SIL has a b!tchface MIL who has washed her hands of looking after any grandkids (she had them for a half day on Thursday for a year or so). Now she doesn't even make the effort to visit them even though they're only 20 minutes away - only on their birthdays or if they go there for easter/xmas. We were at her house for a birthday party this year, and The MIL was bragging away about her holiday plans, rather proud of herself that she doesn't have to babysit and making mention of it. Well, SIL had enough, and loudly proclaimed in front of everyone - "Thats great, if you don't bother spending time with them now, I'm sure that when you're a decrepit old lady in the nursing home they won't be visiting you either!!" bahahahahha mega hi-fives in the kitchen after that one!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparents-who-refuse-to-babysit/page/2#post-2261273 Tue, 11 Aug 2015 20:15:07 +0000 skipra 2261273@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm sorry. That makes me very sad your your family. We have a similar issue with my in laws. They asked to watch our older lo once when he was just born and we were visiting them in their brand new home. So basically they wanted us to get out of their house in a town in the middle of nowhere that we had never been to before and had no idea where we could even go. It was really weird and awkward. After that we asked one time for MIL to come help out with lo when I had a stomach virus that landed me in the hospital and I was pregnant and we were moving the following weekend. We were going to be home and she didn't refuse, she just never showed, wouldn't answer the phone and changed the subject without acknowledging it when we asked what happened. I completely lost respect for her then because in my opinion family should be there for you if you really need it. Sorry so long, just venting. I am sorry you are dealing with this but at least know it is not just you. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparents-who-refuse-to-babysit/page/2#post-2261182 Tue, 11 Aug 2015 17:40:51 +0000 Mrs. Tea 2261182@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <br /><p><i>This comment has been deleted by the original poster.</i></p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparents-who-refuse-to-babysit/page/2#post-2261114 Tue, 11 Aug 2015 15:20:22 +0000 Rockies11 2261114@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>The last time my MIL was visiting, my husband planned a date night with me and my MIL faked sick at the last minute so that she didn't have to watch the kids. After he had cancelled everything, she made a miraculous recovery and managed to eat several pieces of pizza and drink a bottle of wine with dinner. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparents-who-refuse-to-babysit/page/2#post-2261108 Tue, 11 Aug 2015 15:14:41 +0000 Raindrop 2261108@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Sorry you are going through this but I wanted to kudos you on having a talk with your mom and opening that line of communication. I know it was probably rough because she said those hurtful things but at least you know you did your best to express your feelings. I think that's all you can do for now but at least you tried!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparents-who-refuse-to-babysit/page/2#post-2261092 Tue, 11 Aug 2015 15:01:06 +0000 rachiecakes 2261092@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: I wish I knew :( my grandmother was the "pick you up in the middle of the city at 1am in her nightgown, because your ride ditched you" kind of grandma, literally.</p> <p>ETA: I try to go out to visit them as often as I can despite this. It was really hard in the early days when I didn't want to leave the house trying to recover from childbirth but I keep doing it because I don't want to be spiteful and I want my son to know my parents. I don't know what else to do or what's right. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparents-who-refuse-to-babysit/page/2#post-2261054 Tue, 11 Aug 2015 14:40:40 +0000 Cherrybee 2261054@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@rachiecakes: That's outrageous, I'm so sorry. :sad: Why don't they want to be more involved? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparents-who-refuse-to-babysit/page/2#post-2261032 Tue, 11 Aug 2015 14:30:24 +0000 rachiecakes 2261032@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: Neither my parents nor my MIL watch our son :( in fact, my parents have only been to visit us on J's first and second birthdays and twice around when he was born, once at the hospital and once at home. (They live 45 minutes away).<br /> MIL is in her 80s and doesn't drive, so it's not expected.<br /> My mother doesn't drive, but my dad does.... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparents-who-refuse-to-babysit/page/2#post-2261013 Tue, 11 Aug 2015 14:19:05 +0000 daniellemybelle 2261013@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: That's sweet of you but since she is living her life how she wants, you should do the same. If she asks why, you should find a way to kindly tell her truth. Your mom doesn't want to be there for you in that way, but your MIL does, and that's your mom's choice. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparents-who-refuse-to-babysit/page/2#post-2261007 Tue, 11 Aug 2015 14:15:38 +0000 Cherrybee 2261007@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@daniellemybelle: My MIL is fantastic. To be honest, the only reason Im not closer to her (like, in a practical sense, going shopping and for lunch together etc) is because I know it would hurt my mum so much. She's so jealous of my MIL as it is. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparents-who-refuse-to-babysit/page/2#post-2260998 Tue, 11 Aug 2015 14:10:51 +0000 2PeasinaPod 2260998@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: Trust me...I know how much easier said than done it is. It took me a long time to accept that my mom is who she is and realize that the reason I'm disappointed all the time is because I'm expecting her to change. In reality, she's never going to change...I just need to start changing my expectations. It's incredibly hard to do that, because of all people who you want to have a great relationship with your children, your mom is most important. And it's a horrible let down when it seems as if she doesn't care. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparents-who-refuse-to-babysit/page/2#post-2260993 Tue, 11 Aug 2015 14:08:33 +0000 Cherrybee 2260993@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@gingerbebe: Thats a good perspective, thank you. You're right. </p> <p>@MtnBiker: That's awful, I'm so sorry. Its amazing that your LO has started crawling - the crawling stage is so much fun!</p> <p>@littlejoy: No new partner, no. She has recently lost a lot of weight though and has gained a load of new confidence.... maybe thats it? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparents-who-refuse-to-babysit/page/2#post-2260990 Tue, 11 Aug 2015 14:07:12 +0000 daniellemybelle 2260990@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: That makes sense. You are really good to see past the hurtful words to the reason she felt like she had to say them. </p> <p>I'm sure your mother loves you and your LO. But your hurt is certainly justified.</p> <p>Maybe you need to find a mom/grandma figure to fill that place in your heart in a way? Of course not to replace your Mom. But I have friends who are not close with their moms or they even just live far away from them and they've drawn closer to their MIL, or an aunt or just an older female friend who dotes on their LO and gives them that much needed support. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparents-who-refuse-to-babysit/page/2#post-2260891 Tue, 11 Aug 2015 13:03:38 +0000 gingerbebe 2260891@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: Think about it this way - you don't want someone that fickle spending that much time with your daughter. Kids thrive on routine and stability. I think it would be incredibly confusing and hard to be around a flakey Grandma who can't resolve her ideas/fantasies about grandparenthood with her desires to do whatever she wants. Imagine how that would be played out for your LO. Granny likes me sometimes (when I'm well behaved and pretty and can sit nicely at tea, for example) but not when I want to jump in puddles or run around and make music. I think your disappointment is warranted (I have a weird father too) but that just makes me think I would never want to leave my son alone with him or count on him for anything having to do with my son. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparents-who-refuse-to-babysit/page/2#post-2260888 Tue, 11 Aug 2015 13:00:15 +0000 MtnBiker 2260888@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: I feel for you, my mom can be the same way. I called her Friday to tell her that her grandson started crawling, was about to invite her over to have lunch together (she always says "We should get lunch on Fridays"), and before I could invite her - she told me to send her a video... (She lives 15 minutes away...) The kicker was she drove by my house that night to visit a friend, and I always tell her to stop by. I've accepted it for the most part, but sometimes its tough. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparents-who-refuse-to-babysit/page/2#post-2260854 Tue, 11 Aug 2015 12:48:24 +0000 littlejoy 2260854@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: How frustrating ... not to mention, confusing!! Just keep fostering relationships with the people who want to be involved. She'll either come around, or maintain this weird status. I'd say to be super gentle with yourself, and know it's not YOUR issue!! Does she have a new partner or anything that could explain this? </p> <p>Hugs to you! This is hard!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparents-who-refuse-to-babysit/page/2#post-2260845 Tue, 11 Aug 2015 12:43:50 +0000 Cherrybee 2260845@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@littlejoy: YES! It really does surprise me. I mean, she has always been quite a selfish person and our relationship has been interesting at points but I really thought she would relish the grandmother thing. She spent my entire twenties stressing about whether or not I would give her grandchildren and when we were TTC the plan was for her to retire (she hated her job) and then I would pay her the going rate to care for our child full time! She told me when I was 3 months pregnant that she had changed her mind because she didn't want to "give up her freedom", but she couldn't wait to be a granny.....which was fine...... and then when DD was actually born she changed her tune again. Then she was "scared" to be alone with her in case she cried. In the first year of DDs life, she probably only saw her a handful of times because I had PPD and so I didn't reach out to her. Now I visit weekly with DD to try to build up their relationship..... it's just weird. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparents-who-refuse-to-babysit/page/2#post-2260828 Tue, 11 Aug 2015 12:28:27 +0000 Cherrybee 2260828@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@daniellemybelle: The "you're always trying to palm her off on me. She's your responsibility." comment was said in response to me trying to have the discussion with her. I guess I backed her into a corner by saying that I wanted them to be close but she would need to invest in the relationship in order to achieve that.... and she couldn't just say "Look, I don't want to" so she attacked. </p> <p>@2PeasinaPod: You're right. I do need to accept her for who she is and just move on. But it's hard when she likes to sends me memes via text message about how she will always be here for me and post all over facebook about her beautiful grandaughter who she loves so much but then when it comes to it she doesn't want to actually be involved. she once said to me "I prefer to dote on her from afar". Hmm, okay. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparents-who-refuse-to-babysit/page/2#post-2260824 Tue, 11 Aug 2015 12:21:42 +0000 littlejoy 2260824@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I feel for you ... our parents live 2,000 miles away, so we have no help either. I know that in the past 19 months, it would have been REALLY nice to have a date night, or even just time to go to the store alone. </p> <p>Does this surprise you about your mom? Was she really involved with your upbringing?</p> <p>I don't have any advice, but I do want to share some support for you!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparents-who-refuse-to-babysit/page/2#post-2260819 Tue, 11 Aug 2015 12:15:40 +0000 Truth Bombs 2260819@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't think grandparents have a responsibility to babysit, nor do I think doing so or not doing so is any indication of how much they love their kids or their grandkids. It's a great bonus, but nothing we ever expect from either of our parents. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparents-who-refuse-to-babysit/page/2#post-2260756 Tue, 11 Aug 2015 11:02:19 +0000 daniellemybelle 2260756@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@rosegold: That's how I feel, too. We recently moved away from family but it was so wonderful to feel like LO was surrounded by people that love her. I felt very loved too to know that I had the support and help of my family. Parents don't stop being parents when their kids are grown and one way my mom in particular really showed her love for me was helping out with LO. It was never assumed but I know it would hurt to have not had it offered so freely.</p> <p>@Cherrybee: I'm sorry :heart: I wonder if you talked to your mom about it as wanting her to have more of a relationship with LO, she would get it? Not that you are pawning her off. I know that LO became so close with my parents when they were regularly watching her. LOs develop attachments with those that take care of them and respond to their needs. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparents-who-refuse-to-babysit/page/2#post-2260679 Tue, 11 Aug 2015 10:06:45 +0000 2PeasinaPod 2260679@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>While I can sympathize (my mom always liked the "idea" of grandkids, but never actually liked spending any time with them), I kind of feel like my parents did their time. I don't have any expectation of them to watch LO. My dad does watch him a day/week because he loves it, but if he told me he wanted to stop, I'd certainly understand. Neither of my parents have watched LO for a date night in his almost 3 years of life.</p> <p>My ILs are a bit older, but my FIL will also watch LO a day/week (he goes to daycare the other 3 days), but again, if he wanted to stop, we'd be fine with that. My ILs will watch him on occasion at their house or ours if we want to take an afternoon to run some errands, but that's once in a blue moon, and again, not expected. </p> <p>@Cherrybee: I think you're most disappointed that your mom just doesn't want to spend time with your LO, and I understand that. But, I've found that the sooner you accept your mom (or my mom in my case) as the person she is, the less disappointed you'll be about it. It's hard, yes. Sad, yes, but the fact that your ILs are so thoughtful is a really great thing. Try to take comfort in that...two extra people who love your DD just as much as you do... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparents-who-refuse-to-babysit#post-2260675 Tue, 11 Aug 2015 10:03:03 +0000 plantains 2260675@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: I feel your pain. My parents live in London and I'm in NYC so no help there, but I know that if I was in London they would absolutely be willing to watch DD sometimes. My MIL is a very nice and kind woman but she just will not babysit. She doesn't feel comfortable/want to and I have made my piece with it. </p> <p>I think you have to work harder on your DH to hire a sitter. Alternatively, you could just get an au pair (around 100 pounds per week!) and then there would always be someone there! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparents-who-refuse-to-babysit#post-2260610 Tue, 11 Aug 2015 09:00:18 +0000 Cherrybee 2260610@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@rosegold: That's such a lovely take on it. Thank you. My inlaws are exactly like this - they want to be there for E. They have really shown me what it means to be a good parent and a good grandparent.... I hope that I can be like them if E ever has children of her own. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparents-who-refuse-to-babysit#post-2260604 Tue, 11 Aug 2015 08:53:55 +0000 rosegold 2260604@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: what really bothers me about this is that i totally have the mindset of "it takes a village" to raise a good kid. it isn't about pawning them off or spoiling them but moreso what can grandparents do to enrich the lives of their grandchildren? they will have a different routine and can't pick them up to swing them all over the place but i definitely think they should WANT to bring something to the table, if not for you then simply for the kids. they're so impressionable and there is so much bad in the world, my mil is very big on providing the best sense of self worth to a child. this makes me sad some grandparents haven't asked themselves what they can provide. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparents-who-refuse-to-babysit#post-2260589 Tue, 11 Aug 2015 08:41:09 +0000 Cherrybee 2260589@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@oliviaoblivia: Oh I know, I completely agree. It's not just childcare, either - they buy a packet of nappies for us every time they go shopping, they sometimes pop in while we're at work and mow our lawn. I'm so, so lucky to have them. </p> <p>@mrbee: Yes, of course it's a bonus and not to be expected. It isn't really about the childcare - in fact, my mum once offered to pay for a babysitter for us as a gift (we said we would rather she treat us all to lunch out so we could spend the time together with her). It's just so sad that she doesn't *want* to be more involved. I always thought she would be begging to see more of her grandchild. </p> <p>@regberadaisy: I'm so sorry. :sad: That's the worst, when your daughter is let down by them and can understand. </p> <p>Thanks for all the lovely responses, everyone. I'm sorry so many people are also dealing with this. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparents-who-refuse-to-babysit#post-2259496 Mon, 10 Aug 2015 06:32:27 +0000 oliviaoblivia 2259496@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My parents will watch the kids, but they live in another country so it's not really something I ever use.<br /> My MIL will watch DD1 at her house but not safely and always leaves steak knives and scissors about so I'm not comfortable with her there.<br /> FIL is 90 and incapable of looking after himself at this point.</p> <p>Grandparent participation is just not something I expected so I don't really miss it. I honestly think it's really awesome how involved your inlaws are.<br /> Count your blessings. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparents-who-refuse-to-babysit#post-2259495 Mon, 10 Aug 2015 06:31:01 +0000 autumnleaves 2259495@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Within weeks of my having LO, both of my parents health declined and neither can drive or help us out. I need to go help them out. My in-laws live 10+ hours away. I thought they'd want to visit their only grandchild more than they do. It is hard especially when I have co-workers who have their parents help out with so much. I try to focus on what Mr. Bee said - my parents were there for me for so long and I am thankful for all their support before LO arrived. </p>