https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Sun, 26 Apr 2026 20:22:09 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/guilt-about-having-a-second#post-2884588 Wed, 15 May 2019 09:10:25 +0000 DillonLion 2884588@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@ElbieKay: Great perspective! Parenting the first go around was super rough, so I'm hoping for a different experience this go around. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/guilt-about-having-a-second#post-2884580 Wed, 15 May 2019 08:34:14 +0000 ElbieKay 2884580@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>That baby is also a huge gift to your daughter. She will have someone who truly understands the nature of her relationship with her parents. That person will also understand her social and cultural perspective and is just as likely to be a close bond as a distant relationship when they’re adults. And if you or your husband need support when you are elderly, she will have someone to help her manage that on your behalf.</p> <p>There is a lot you can do to avoid rocking your daughter’s world when her sibling is born. I have a 4.5 age gap, and my son has infant twin sisters. With two babies I was especially concerned about his adjustment, so I identified any major transitions and implemented them ahead of time so that they would be less associated with the babies’ arrival. For instance, I transitioned his bedtime routine to my husband when I was about two or three months out from my due date.</p> <p> I also try to find opportunities to include him whenever I’m with the babies. For instance, I did a lot of tandem nursing while reading books to my older one. If you are thoughtful about keeping her included and involved, I think that will go along way towards fostering a positive relationship between the two of them. I also regularly take my son out for dinner just the two of us so that we have something special meant just for him. With a newborn you can really maintain a lot of your daughter’s routine if you just wear the baby a lot.</p> <p>I really was not sure how things would go with my son when his sisters arrived. He still demands extra attention sometimes – for example, this morning he wanted me to hand feed him Cheerios along with his sisters 🙄 – but he is amazing with them. He likes to show them off to his friends and complains when they nap because he wants to play with them. He always says that he loves to rub their fuzzy heads, and he always remembers to kiss them goodbye when he leaves for school. Honestly, watching their relationship has been one of the brightest spots of parenting these baby girls. They absolutely adore him too, and they find him fascinating and hilarious. (Note: It is not 100% perfect. Sometimes he grabs their toys. And they pull his hair or grab his nose. But on balance it is really fantastic.) </p> <p>I can’t help you on the college fund front. We were planning on two kids and wound up with three, so I feel your pain! But on balance it’s probably a richer life with a sibling and some college debt than with neither.</p> <p>P.S. Congratulations!! I have found parenting to be a lot more fun the second time around! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/guilt-about-having-a-second#post-2884578 Wed, 15 May 2019 08:28:36 +0000 DillonLion 2884578@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@peaches1038: @Mrs Green Grass: Guilt for everyone! Ha. </p> <p>@lindseykaye: Hi! Thank you for your perspective! I've been following you on Insta as inspiration </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/guilt-about-having-a-second#post-2884559 Wed, 15 May 2019 00:56:55 +0000 Mrs Green Grass 2884559@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I only clicked on this because I recognized you! I’m one and done but feel the opposite guilt of not having another. The gap is big but I know my son would really love a sibling. So basically there’s guilt not matter what!! Congrats though...she will love the baby! :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/guilt-about-having-a-second#post-2884521 Tue, 14 May 2019 17:39:29 +0000 Autumnmama79 2884521@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@peaches1038: painfully true. Guilt and parenting seem to go hand in hand. Welp :bummed: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/guilt-about-having-a-second#post-2884518 Tue, 14 May 2019 17:36:55 +0000 peaches1038 2884518@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>To offer a different perspective: we always thought we would have 2 kids and now we are seriously considering being one and done. I feel tremendous guilt for denying my child the relationship and bond that he would have with a sibling. So, either way, there’s guilt involved 🤷🏼‍♀️ </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/guilt-about-having-a-second#post-2884512 Tue, 14 May 2019 16:08:51 +0000 lindseykaye 2884512@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@DillonLion: Hey Lady! First, I'm so happy for you and #2 on the way! I just went through this last year with our second and our 6-year age gap. Although our story is different because DD had been asking for a sibling for YEARS before we were ready to have another, it was still something that we felt unsure of before we took the plunge for this same reason - guilt over how this would change her life in the day-to-day and the long term.</p> <p>But, I can echo the posters above and tell you it's been so wonderful. She is old enough and independent enough that I feel like I have still gotten a great newborn experience with #2. We are able to still carve out special time for just DD1 as much as possible. She LOVES to help and is just smitten with her sister, but as someone above said we try to make sure she doesn't feel forced to help. It's a balance between family responsibility and letting things be on her terms. Bonus for us that we get 6 years between kids who need braces, or help with buying their first car, or college costs, or whatever.</p> <p>I also come from a sibling set with a 5-year difference and it's been awesome. We bickered like any siblings in early childhood but by the time I was in high school and he was in college we shared a lot of interests and tastes which has carried into adulthood. We're not 'close' in that we don't talk all the time, but we get along extremely well and are there for each other 100% for life.</p> <p>You got this! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/guilt-about-having-a-second#post-2884510 Tue, 14 May 2019 16:02:11 +0000 bhbee 2884510@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My oldest and youngest are 6.5 years apart and 9 months later she is still over the moon about the baby. She already had a sibling in between so I know it’s not exactly the same but I hope they’ll always have a special connection and be close as adults. She loves to play with her and is old enough to have it make her feel really grown up - like she can carry the baby around by herself (within reason of course!). Also there aren’t that many kids in 1st grade with baby sisters so all her school friends also love the baby and it gets big sis some special attention. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/guilt-about-having-a-second#post-2884504 Tue, 14 May 2019 15:41:26 +0000 LadyDi 2884504@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My brother and I are 14 years apart and while we weren't that close when I was growing up (he went to college when I was 4 and then moved out), we're close now and get along great. </p> <p>My niece is 7 and she is and will always be an only child and they have always told her that, but I know she'd be over the moon if she ended up with a surprise sibling. </p> <p>I think no matter the age gap, there is always a bit of guilt when a baby is added to the family. I am about to have my third and my second is only 15 months and I feel a ton of guilt about taking away what's left of his "babyhood" and just bombarding him with a baby that he has no idea is coming. I think you'll probably love watching the relationship develop between your daughter and son. It's so fun watching my 4 year old cheer on his baby brother as he takes his first steps and learn his first words. I can imagine that's even better when you're first child is a little older. And she'll always be your main gal! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/guilt-about-having-a-second#post-2884481 Tue, 14 May 2019 13:09:23 +0000 cake2017 2884481@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@DillonLion: There is an age gap between me and all my siblings. We all played together and are super close now. I wouldn’t worry about it! You can still do personal time with her and she can still play with the baby! It will be no problem and a joy! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/guilt-about-having-a-second#post-2884456 Tue, 14 May 2019 12:04:08 +0000 Chuckles 2884456@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I love reading these responses! We will have a little over a 6 year age gap (hopefully! I'm 13 weeks now) and I'm really hoping our first adjusts to no longer being an only. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/guilt-about-having-a-second#post-2884454 Tue, 14 May 2019 12:00:46 +0000 catgirl 2884454@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm mostly following along on the off chance we decide to have another. DD is already 4.5 so if we go for it we would be looking at a 5.5-6.5 year gap I think.</p> <p>I have two half sisters, they are 10 and 13 years younger than me. I was SO excited when they were born and loved helping take care of them. I thought it was a blast to play with and entertain them. We weren't close growing up but that had nothing to do with our ages and everything to do with my horrible stepmother. Now that one is in college and one is almost done with high school, we all get along great! We text pretty often and see each other a fair amount. I'm closer to them than most of my friends are with their siblings that are only 2 or 3 years a part. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/guilt-about-having-a-second#post-2884452 Tue, 14 May 2019 11:58:38 +0000 agold 2884452@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My sister is 6 years older than me and we have a great relationship now that we are older and have kids. And really, she's the best thing in my life. I am so happy I will have her in my life as I grow older. A friend isn't someone that can replace a sibling. Granted, there is no guarantee you DD and DS will be close when they are older, but you can do your best right now in their childhood to raise them as close and as friends so that hopefully you give them the good foundation for a great relationship later in life. If your and your husband make a fun home, then they will both always look forward to coming back to your house and being together. And when you and your husband pass away, your DD and DS will still have each other. Obviously, none of this is guaranteed and a best case scenario. But I don't think its unreasonable to hope to have the best out of life. My mom and her brother are about 5 years apart. They aren't super close by any means. But she still calls him and likes to talk about their mom and dad, who they both love and who have both passed. And its nice that I have a cousin - just one cousin, but still, one cousin more than someone who has no cousins. I felt really bad when my second daughter was unplanned and ended up being just 20 months behind my first. She was a total shocking surprise and the guilt was strong during the pregnancy. But, I got over it and I hope you do, too! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/guilt-about-having-a-second#post-2884450 Tue, 14 May 2019 11:58:00 +0000 graceandjoy 2884450@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@DillonLion: Btw, my sister was my parent's surprise too :happy: I have no recollection whether my parents had told me prior that I'd be the only child. I only know that I am so so so so happy that I have a sister :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/guilt-about-having-a-second#post-2884449 Tue, 14 May 2019 11:55:39 +0000 DillonLion 2884449@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@graceandjoy: That's a good perspective! Thanks :)</p> <p>@Becky: Guess it is agony either way! Ha.</p> <p>@Mrs. Lemon-Lime: Good to know happy childhoods are possible regardless :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/guilt-about-having-a-second#post-2884446 Tue, 14 May 2019 11:45:41 +0000 Mrs. Lemon-Lime 2884446@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My bro and I are 7 years apart and did not get along growing up at all. I still had a happy childhood. It’ll be all good! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/guilt-about-having-a-second#post-2884444 Tue, 14 May 2019 11:33:29 +0000 Becky 2884444@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I’m 6.5 years younger than my sister and we got along well growing up (not sure what her reflection on that would be though). Now that we’re older the age gap doesn’t matter. </p> <p>I had a lot of “What have I done to DD1!” when I intentionally got pregnant with DD2. I agonized over what it would do to our family. Now I agonize over what NOT having a third would do if we decide not to. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/guilt-about-having-a-second#post-2884443 Tue, 14 May 2019 11:32:34 +0000 graceandjoy 2884443@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I am 7 years older than my sister. New baby affected me waaaay less than for my own kids who are 2 years apart. It did take longer for my sister and I to be close, but we are super close! I think it actually works out well that we're always in different life stages because we can really be there for each other. For example, she's been helping me out with the girls babysitting when she can, and by the time she has kids, I know I'll be a little more free to help her out instead of being so tied up with my own. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/guilt-about-having-a-second#post-2884439 Tue, 14 May 2019 11:19:05 +0000 DillonLion 2884439@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrsbells: glad to hear that! Thank you :)</p> <p>@skinnycow: thank you! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/guilt-about-having-a-second#post-2884438 Tue, 14 May 2019 11:17:31 +0000 skinnycow 2884438@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't have any advice exactly but my husband has a brother who is 6 years old than him and they're very close and always have been. I don't know what age they began really playing together but they didn't fight like close-aged siblings do. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/guilt-about-having-a-second#post-2884431 Tue, 14 May 2019 11:08:08 +0000 Mrsbells 2884431@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@DillonLion: If it makes you feel better I have 3 kiddos. My oldest is 7 and youngest is 7 months and they already love each other so much and play together on his little play mat. Also when they are young most kids love having siblings </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/guilt-about-having-a-second#post-2884424 Tue, 14 May 2019 10:52:21 +0000 DillonLion 2884424@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Autumnmama79: Thank you! Glad to hear a 3 yr old and a 10 yr old can play together! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/guilt-about-having-a-second#post-2884423 Tue, 14 May 2019 10:52:14 +0000 ALV91711 2884423@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We have a 5.5 year age gap. DS1 adores his little brother and is always giving him love &amp; attention. I hope that they are close as adults. </p> <p>I have 2 younger sisters that are 7.5 and 10.5 years younger. When we were kids I tended to mother them. We weren’t super close during their teenage years. I was in college and starting my life. Now as adults I have good relationships with both. I’m really close with one of them. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/guilt-about-having-a-second#post-2884422 Tue, 14 May 2019 10:45:02 +0000 Autumnmama79 2884422@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@DillonLion: I have a 7 year gap between my DD and DS too, I understand your feelings. I worried how it would effect my very close relationship with DD. Once DS was born, she quickly became mamas best little helper and fawned all over her little brother. I made sure to give her every chance to be involved without any pressure if she wasn't into it. Now that DS is 3 and she is 10, they play and squabble and tease each other like any other siblings. I have no idea if they will be close when they are older but at least I've given them each a person to be in their corner for life (hopefully). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/guilt-about-having-a-second#post-2884419 Tue, 14 May 2019 10:39:25 +0000 DillonLion 2884419@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I know this is like, the most common feeling ever, but I am struggling with feeling so guilty over taking away my kid's "only child" status. </p> <p>We were planning on being one-and-done and have a pretty big gap (nearly 7 years) between kids. We've told her her whole life that she's going to be an only child. This baby is a surprise. We are happy and excited for this surprise, except for these lingering feelings about siblinghood for my DD. </p> <p>Anyway, she's just my main gal! I feel so bad like rocking her whole life with this tiny baby brother that she may or may not wind up being close with in life. They won't really be able to play together since they are so far apart in age. And now our resources are split in terms of helping her pay for college, etc. </p> <p>I'm an only child so I don't know how to navigate sibling relationships, and DH's relationship with his brother is super strained. </p> <p>How did you resolve your guilt over a change in your expected family size? </p>