https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Sun, 12 Apr 2026 07:52:09 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/has-imbalance-in-the-amount-of-householdparenting-work-you-do-caused-friction-in-your-relationship#post-914417 Tue, 09 Jul 2013 00:40:30 +0000 StbHisMrs 914417@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Huge source of friction between us. My husband is oblivious to everything I do, unless I don't do it! It's something we really need to work on, but I'm nof sure how. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/has-imbalance-in-the-amount-of-householdparenting-work-you-do-caused-friction-in-your-relationship#post-914109 Mon, 08 Jul 2013 20:35:48 +0000 doodlepoodle 914109@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Yes. It's difficult because I'm very much a planner and like to be organized and he could care less...I've had to let go of a lot of things and just accept that if company pops over they'll see toys all over and socks out. Worse things could happen :-) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/has-imbalance-in-the-amount-of-householdparenting-work-you-do-caused-friction-in-your-relationship#post-914044 Mon, 08 Jul 2013 20:05:18 +0000 apis 914044@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think that there's a certain amount of friction in every household with a baby; certainly ours, and friends with babies, just because there is always more to do than can be done! DW and I could spend 25 hours a day on chores and tasks and there would still be more left to do, and I think that's common to all families with little babies.</p> <p>The split between who does what, and when, is one that I think DW and get right for most of the time, but every so often life comes along and throws a spanner in the works, and that's when it gets more difficult. 90% of the friction, I think, comes when the stress isn't actually to do with taking out the trash, or tidying up the playmat, or emptying the dishwasher, but in fact it's a concern about finances, or a project at work, but it's just easier to get annoyed at why there's a mountain of recycling that no-one's taken out.</p> <p>DW is really good at taking a step back and putting any gripes into context: if I've forgotten to take out a box for recycling, despite having done that a hundred times before, she knows it's because I've overlooked it or I have other things on my mind, and not because I'm being unhelpful. Likewise, when DW leaves pump parts all over the kitchen, I'd have to be out of my mind to complain to her, rather than simply sorting them out myself, because I know how conscientious she is.</p> <p>I think that we try to cut each other a little slack, especially on the smaller things, and at least try to see from the other's point of view: we're slowly getting better at working out where the gaps are, rather than the imbalance, so we can see what we're both missing, rather than who's to blame for what. That said, we've only been at this for eight and a bit months, so who knows what's ahead! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/has-imbalance-in-the-amount-of-householdparenting-work-you-do-caused-friction-in-your-relationship#post-912926 Mon, 08 Jul 2013 13:36:50 +0000 Cherrybee 912926@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>It's pretty much the only thing that causes actual friction in our relationship! I think it's because we have very different opinions when it comes to the housework: </p> <p> I like the house to LOOK nice and will go to great lengths to make it so, stressing myself silly if I see a bit of fluff on the floor! I therefore vaccum frequently, plant flowers in the garden and get annoyed at DH for not hanging his coat in the cupboard, for dropping his laundry on the floor or leaving snack wrappers lying about. I feel like I'm constantly picking up after him! But I am prone to ramming things into cupboards (they will inevitably fall out on DH!) and don't do anything that I can't *see*. For example, if the laundry is in the basket, I wont wash it (it's fine there, it's not untidy!). I rarely think to get any shopping in - I rarely plan meals and, in fact, I'd rather not eat at all if it means messing up my clean kitchen. As a result, I often feel like I do more than him, because if the house is clean, you can bet I've done it and the other stuff just isn't important to me!</p> <p>DH is the opposite. He doesn't care what the house and garden looks like, he likes it to FUNCTION. He likes there to be clean clothes to wear. He likes there to be food in the house. He likes to eat a meal together every day. As a result, he drives these areas and has said that he feels he does more than me, planning meals, cooking, catching up with laundry, taking the bins out. He gets annoyed with me for overstuffing cupboards and "hiding" things (tidying them away!). And all the while, I'm seething because his flaming cooking escapades are causing crumbs to drop on my kitchen floor! </p> <p>It's taken us a while to get to this point, where I can at least see what's going on. I guess the next step is to work out how to tackle it so we don't hate on each other for the next 50 yrs! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/has-imbalance-in-the-amount-of-householdparenting-work-you-do-caused-friction-in-your-relationship#post-912878 Mon, 08 Jul 2013 13:23:17 +0000 MsLipGloss 912878@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MrsWagon: "When I get very tired and/or overwhelmed, I'll sometimes blow up with the whole "I do everything in this house" thing, which is never pretty. But we both constantly work at making sure I don't get to that point!!" This is totally me. Sometimes my frustration comes from the place of "I have sacrificed everything, i.e., my body, my career, and my personal life for the baby whereas it seems like areas of my DH's life have been impacted, but not substantially, if that makes sense. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/has-imbalance-in-the-amount-of-householdparenting-work-you-do-caused-friction-in-your-relationship#post-912877 Mon, 08 Jul 2013 13:22:53 +0000 LuLu Mom 912877@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would say we aren't even and I usually handle it okay, unless I'm feeling rundown &amp; then the friction happens. I will say DH has picked up the slack a LOT and that has helped so much. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/has-imbalance-in-the-amount-of-householdparenting-work-you-do-caused-friction-in-your-relationship#post-912861 Mon, 08 Jul 2013 13:18:21 +0000 Mrs. Lemon-Lime 912861@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I wouldn't say the imbalance causes permanent friction, but we are definitely grumpy at each other when we do tasks we think the other should help with. Every time I wash dishes and DH is around I am grumpy because he doesn't do any of the grocery shoppingn, cooking, or even waits his on plate. DH gets grumpy when he had to clean. For some reason he thinks wives are supposed to keep a home tidy. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/has-imbalance-in-the-amount-of-householdparenting-work-you-do-caused-friction-in-your-relationship#post-912849 Mon, 08 Jul 2013 13:13:38 +0000 heffalump 912849@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>The only time we have disagreements is when DH used to come home from work and say that he wanted to do some stuff around the house. I'm a SAHM so not only do I want a break, but I want to do things around the house too. He didn't get that just because I was home doesn't mean that I have all this free time to complete my projects. Instead I just sit there looking at all of the things I want to get done but can't because I'm watching LO. This fight didn't last long though, I talked to him about it and now he tries to get things done on weekends during nap time. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/has-imbalance-in-the-amount-of-householdparenting-work-you-do-caused-friction-in-your-relationship#post-912848 Mon, 08 Jul 2013 13:13:28 +0000 Mrs. Champagne 912848@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think its a source of friction at times, nothing on a daily basis though!</p> <p>My main point of contention is that DH can do things, but I have to ask first. He will rarely partake in a chore unless I've asked him to do it.. even very obvious things like taking out an overflowing garbage or emptying the dishwasher. He is *trying* to get better at doing things when he notices they need to e done! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/has-imbalance-in-the-amount-of-householdparenting-work-you-do-caused-friction-in-your-relationship#post-912804 Mon, 08 Jul 2013 12:59:28 +0000 mrs. wagon 912804@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Sure, it's a source of friction, but nothing too huge. It helps that Wagon Sr. and I are really opposite of each other, so we both appreciate what the other naturally does. I'm a detail oriented, scheduled person so doing things like dishes daily or laundry bi-weekly just comes automatically to me, and it doesn't matter to me if he doesn't help. Wagon Sr. is very big-picture minded, so he'll take on large projects as we need them, such as insect control, computer backup... things like that that aren't everyday tasks. When I get very tired and/or overwhelmed, I'll sometimes blow up with the whole "I do everything in this house" thing, which is never pretty. But we both constantly work at making sure I don't get to that point!! </p> <p>The one "regular" task I cannot stand is vacuuming. I guess because it's a chore that needs to get done regularly, but I hate doing it because it's so big picture and all-encompassing. So he willingly takes it on, but I do get frustrated when I have to remind him to do it. The dust/dog hair/dirt just builds up until it's so disgusting, and he doesn't seem to see it. </p> <p>As for parenting tasks, we are very divide-and-conquer. "you do this, I'll do that" gets us through every day! Usually I ask "would you rather..." and let Wagon Sr. choose which item he wants to do, and I'll do the other. He appreciates being able to choose instead of having orders barked at him. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/has-imbalance-in-the-amount-of-householdparenting-work-you-do-caused-friction-in-your-relationship#post-912753 Mon, 08 Jul 2013 12:44:36 +0000 mrbee 912753@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I am always impressed at couples who have the household/parenting balance all figured out, so that each person feels like it's balanced and fair! It's something we work a lot on in our household... Charlie is 3 1/2 and it's taken until this year that things have become relatively balanced, I think.</p> <p>When Bee got pregnant with Olive, I started doing a lot more of the parenting related tasks... and in the past year or two, I've started doing taking over more chores. It's been a journey... I've written a bit about it on the blog:<br /> <a href="http://www.hellobee.com/household-chores/" rel="nofollow">http://www.hellobee.com/household-chores/</a></p> <p>Has imbalance in the amount of household/parenting work you and your SO each do caused friction in your relationship? How have you guys managed that? </p>