https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Sat, 09 May 2026 04:01:59 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/having-a-third-child-or-more#post-2235846 Tue, 14 Jul 2015 07:49:09 +0000 cat620 2235846@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think finances definitely come into play when deciding if we want a third child. I'm 90% sure we just want two, but a lot of that has to do with me just not feeling like I could handle three kids and the chaos that brings. However, we also have a high standard of living and want to be able to do a lot of things for our kids. Some things we are considering are private schooling, traveling abroad with our children, enrolling them in extracurricular activities and summer camps, buying them cars when they can drive, and paying for their college tuitions. We could do most of those things with three children but would have to make cuts, like the private schooling may be out of our budget with three. So, we have to decide what is most important to us. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/having-a-third-child-or-more#post-2235649 Mon, 13 Jul 2015 23:39:35 +0000 gingerbebe 2235649@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@butterbean: I don't know, I only have one but we definitely want two, at least. I think a lot of things factor into a family planning decision, with money being a big one for a lot of people, but I remember my boss telling me she always wanted and planned for three but ended up only having two because her husband's business hit a rough patch and she and her husband decided that in order to maintain a standard of living that worked for them, they would stop at two. Something about that made me so sad. She's still wistful about that 3rd baby even though her kids are older now. Like I understand their decision but it felt so eery to think a whole other human would have been walking the earth if something had gone differently in their finances. </p> <p>DH and I are financially conservative and we both grew up without a lot, especially me. We were the kids without health insurance, without dental work or braces, no help for college or grad school. So we understand wanting to give our kids more. But we are also religious so we feel that even if it was going to be hard, if we felt like God was giving us the nudge to have another or to adopt or to foster, we would go for it. We grew up without a lot but we were also well loved and happy and turned out okay so perhaps that's why we are more confident in that way of thinking. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/having-a-third-child-or-more#post-2235609 Mon, 13 Jul 2015 22:06:31 +0000 DesertDreams88 2235609@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@banddmommy: and @smurfette: and @erinpye: I TOTALLY agree with you that health insurance is a must have. Like I stated in my original post, not eveyone sees it that way, though. I know three families that actually don't see it as a necessity and do not have health insurance for their SAH spouses or children... Maybe eventually the ACA will force them to get some kind of subsidized health care, but currently it isn't. Yet they have a lot of children, by choice. One of them does foster care so half of her children have health care. They all say that the cash price for medical services ends up being what you would end up paying after insurance copays and premiums anyway. I personally would NEVER ever put myself in such a situation, but all I was trying to point out is that everyone has a different definition of what "needs" are.</p> <p>As for the whole braces thing, I have 3 people in my family that did not get braces even though they needed to. Their parents simply couldn't pay. They have some minor pain from here and there, but its not like endangering the life of your child. My husband also had nasal polyps which structed his nasal breathing while growing up, and a friend's son eyelids droops obscuring his vision, but both sets of parents didn't feel that the cost of the minor corrective surgery was worth the benefit of such treatment. Those are the kind of surgeries I am referring to.</p> <p>@anagram and @smurfette: I have been a public school teacher in a title 1 school for the last 5 years, and I've been making 35K dollars a year with no raises for the past 5 years. So I totally understand what you're saying about school supplies. However, I still stand by my original point, that if parents cannot pay for school supplies, the school will find a way to give it to them. I promise you. Also, I choose to stock up on school supplies for my impoverished students, &amp; a little part of me resent that, but a large part of me understand that its part of my job and it's my way of giving back.</p> <p>Restating my original point, that was clear in my original post: Make a list wth your husband about what YOUR needs are and what YOUR wants are. Figure out if your budget can sustain the needs of three children. That's all. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/having-a-third-child-or-more#post-2235582 Mon, 13 Jul 2015 21:20:43 +0000 erinpye 2235582@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@DesertDreams88: woah, that seems a little odd to me- things like corrective surgeries and health insurance are a parent's responsibility in protecting their child. Perhaps if a family needs to cut back that drastically to afford another child, they should consider whose wants they're fulfilling. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/having-a-third-child-or-more#post-2235578 Mon, 13 Jul 2015 21:15:57 +0000 Smurfette 2235578@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@DesertDreams88: how is health insurance not a need? And it is my understanding it is now against the law to not have health insurance.<br /> Schools do not provide supplies to kids. When kids don't have them, the teachers end up buying them for the kids. A teacher that makes maybe $30-$40k a year and maybe with their own family. I know numerous teachers in various states and this was/is the case for them all. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/having-a-third-child-or-more#post-2235566 Mon, 13 Jul 2015 21:00:40 +0000 BandDmommy 2235566@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@DesertDreams88: health insurance isn't a need? What happens of the child is sick? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/having-a-third-child-or-more#post-2235558 Mon, 13 Jul 2015 20:49:32 +0000 Anagram 2235558@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@DesertDreams88: whoa.....you know people who don't consider $30 of school supplies "needs"? And they expect other people's tax money via school budget to pay for their own kids, rather than simply having fewer kids?</p> <p>I guess that's a smaller issue compared to the health insurance, which if they can't afford those payments, they also can't afford a major accident or illness and would just default on those, passing the costs on to everyone else?</p> <p>How bizarre. I actually see both sides of this issue, and I think it's so regional. I'm one of 6 and we definitely didn't feel poor, but no, our parents didn't pay our college tuition--5 out of 6 of us finished anyway. Having said that, I personally wouldn't want to have 6 kiddos and pay for all that entails. </p> <p>But I would find it super irresponsible if people were not even considering pencils and paper when deciding whether or not they should have kids. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/having-a-third-child-or-more#post-2235545 Mon, 13 Jul 2015 20:30:36 +0000 DesertDreams88 2235545@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>A great conversation here, but something seemingly missing is the issue of "needs vs. wants" is different for everyone here, with different perceptions about what each of those terms mean. Most of the parents I know do not consider sports, activities, proms, cars, or even school supplies "needs" ( the school will always provide, if you ask.) I even know some parents that don't consider braces, minor corrective surgeries, or even health insurance a "need". So maybe the discussions with your husband should include explicitly listing what you consider to be needs and wants, and figuring out your budget from there. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/having-a-third-child-or-more#post-2235311 Mon, 13 Jul 2015 15:35:46 +0000 plantains 2235311@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@coopsmama: totally hear you on the extras though. No kid is going to remember whether they wore hand me down onesies or slept in a used pac and play hahaha. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/having-a-third-child-or-more#post-2235309 Mon, 13 Jul 2015 15:34:46 +0000 plantains 2235309@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@coopsmama: I hear you. Everyone's situation is different. In our case for example, I am not moving anywhere that doesn't have huge diversity (we are a multi-racial family) and I work in International Relations so really the only options are NYC and Washington, DC. I also really need to have good international links as my whole family lives in the UK, so costs of flights to England to see them are a factor too!</p> <p>Don't get me wrong, we have a good life and we are very lucky. We own an apt in NYC that we will sell for an insane amount of money when the time comes because we were lucky enough to buy it at the right time, but I know that for us, a third (and we very nearly had that scenario when we thought we were having twins) would have taken a rough toll financially. We would have had 7k in daycare costs, milk costs $6 per gallon here, really the list is endless. </p> <p>All this to say that of course everyone has a different situation and varying definitions of must-haves. I will admit that paying for as much of college as possible is an absolute must have for me, but I would be really surprised if everyone didn't look at these must haves when planning an extra kid. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/having-a-third-child-or-more#post-2235292 Mon, 13 Jul 2015 15:23:56 +0000 coopsmama 2235292@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@plantains: Oh yes! But obviously that isn't our case - and I was more answering (at least the last paragraph) about our particular situation. I know there are plenty of people who want to afford more than 1 or 2 but just can't with those big 3 items mentioned and that's sad. I guess at that point you have to see if it's viable to move to an area with a lower cost of living area if it's a big deal to you to not have more or just have what you can afford. </p> <p>I totally hear you on the last point, too. But in our case it's not an issue of being able to afford to feed or clothe our kids. (Housing for us is actually pretty cheap because we had a huge downpayment - thank goodness.) And a third wouldn't change that. It's more just not being able to afford too many extras and making our kids suffer through hand me down while they are still young. ;) (I won't put them through that once they are in school and I can work... :)) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/having-a-third-child-or-more#post-2235291 Mon, 13 Jul 2015 15:22:57 +0000 Truth Bombs 2235291@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@coopsmama: There are plenty more less extreme examples. Kids need braces, some kids turn out to be really skilled in school or in sports and it costs money to foster that talent, etc. Obviously not every single thing can be planned for. You made my exact point that there are surprises. All I was trying to point out is that the statement "kids only cost what you let them" is flat out not true. We can't plan for every financial need. But if we carefully consider costs, and plan for a best case financial scenario rather than one where lots of sacrafices are already being made, it makes the surprises a lot easier to withstand without affecting our children as deeply. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/having-a-third-child-or-more#post-2235277 Mon, 13 Jul 2015 15:16:49 +0000 Truth Bombs 2235277@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@plantains: I hear you. I left NYC in part because I couldn't imagine affording a family there! When it comes to providing for my family in the way I want I simply can not take the stance that things will "work themselves out", because as you said, things don't just work themselves out. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/having-a-third-child-or-more#post-2235274 Mon, 13 Jul 2015 15:15:56 +0000 plantains 2235274@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@coopsmama: totally valid, but daycare, housing and food often accounts for 3/4 pf people's budgets, not just on HB but out there in the real world and that doesn't really leave much wggle room. </p> <p>I also believe that it is irresponsible to have children if you know you absolutely cannot afford to pay for their needs, but I know that not everyone shares that opinion. I just find the idea that people who consider finances are only doing so in order to pay for trips round the world truly offensive. I think anybody planning to have any number of children whatsoever who doesn't stop to ask if they can afford to feed, clothe and shelter said children i.e. do we have the money to do it? is being irresponsible. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/having-a-third-child-or-more#post-2235257 Mon, 13 Jul 2015 15:08:46 +0000 coopsmama 2235257@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Truth Bombs: It was an extreme example but I don't think it was a completely fair one considering accidents happen, lives change, health deteriorates, jobs can be lost, etc. and suddenly even the financially "sound" 1 or 2 kid family could really struggle financially even when that looked impossible just a few years prior. There is always an element of what-if to having any number of children. That's just life.</p> <p>Outside of daycare, housing, and food costs there are plenty of ways one can cut back. The average HB'er spends a lot of money on extras or just above-average nicer items -- and there is nothing wrong with that. It's a choice but not a requirement for children!</p> <p>So no, finances don't play a part in my decision to have more than my current two. (Eventually -- mama is still loving this pregnancy break!) I SAH, so childcare costs aren't an issue. But sure, it means that: our kids don't have all the nicest clothes, we don't get to vacation every year, my laptop is falling apart, my backyard on a home we bought 6 months ago doesn't even have grass yet (so we drive to the park often), we don't eat organic everything, rarely go on dates, and my house doesn't have the nicest furniture or decor although we are slowly making changes in that department. We have enough money to pay for our needs and bills and add to my DH's 401k and our savings without being able to do too much extra. (Beyond our mortgage we're debt free.) But we're happy! And we love our kids. :) Our family doesn't feel complete yet so we won't stop because of finances even though stopping at 2 probably makes the most sense. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/having-a-third-child-or-more#post-2235231 Mon, 13 Jul 2015 14:53:35 +0000 kodybear 2235231@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>we originally wanted 3 but stopped at 2. finances was a main factor (altho not the only factor). daycare costs in our area are ridiculous so 3 in daycare would've been crazy. we also want to pay for most, if not all, of our kids college tuition. so with 2 we think we can do it, with 3 itd be a bit of a stretch. we'd have to change our lifestyle to make 3 work. another factor was energy. i have 2 pretty easy kids but i still get exhausted by the end of the day. also, since we have one of each gender, we decided to stop at 2. if our second was a girl we might've tried for a boy</p> <p>so we could make 3 work, but we're much more comfortable with 2 kids. if we could swing 3 kids with our finances and that was the ONLY factor, i don't think i'd let that stop me bc u can make it work. but if there are other factors as well then i'd think about it more </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/having-a-third-child-or-more#post-2235229 Mon, 13 Jul 2015 14:53:26 +0000 BandDmommy 2235229@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@plantains: Agree. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/having-a-third-child-or-more#post-2235228 Mon, 13 Jul 2015 14:52:50 +0000 plantains 2235228@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Truth Bombs: this. Additionally, there are a lot of places where childcare costs are insane and living on a single income i.e. one parent stays home is often not an option. For me, childcare for 2 is in the 5K region so yes, money is absolutely part of my decision not to have a third. That isn't something that just sorts itself out. Nor is the fact that buying a 3 bdr apt in NYC is almost impossible. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/having-a-third-child-or-more#post-2235212 Mon, 13 Jul 2015 14:48:26 +0000 MrsBrewer 2235212@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrsrugbee: I have to agree! I don't want to make finances deter me from having children. </p> <p>Obviously you need to make sure you have enough to cover necessities, but I feel like you will get by with less. Family is most important! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/having-a-third-child-or-more#post-2235207 Mon, 13 Jul 2015 14:46:22 +0000 BandDmommy 2235207@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Truth Bombs: My husband thinks the same way. He is also ready to "start" our life and going back to the baby stage sidelines that goal. He also doesn't like the idea of being outnumbered. Finances are important in our decision making because we plan on paying for college for our children. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/having-a-third-child-or-more#post-2235190 Mon, 13 Jul 2015 14:41:03 +0000 Truth Bombs 2235190@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@avivoca: I'm sure it wasn't. But that's just one extreme example that kids often come with unexpected costs and it's just simply incorrect to state that "they only cost as much as you let them". </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/having-a-third-child-or-more#post-2235189 Mon, 13 Jul 2015 14:40:57 +0000 T.H.O.U. 2235189@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@BandDmommy: Agree, and I think just by posing the question means you are probably financially savvy enough to know that you "could" afford them but just aren't sure if you want to cut back to afford it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/having-a-third-child-or-more#post-2235180 Mon, 13 Jul 2015 14:36:22 +0000 Mamasig 2235180@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrsrugbee: I totally agree! @T.H.O.U.: I worry about a lot of the same things too. But I believe you make it work. Only with two, I would worry about the same! I just think that each kid may not be able to do everything extra they want to do. But that's ok! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/having-a-third-child-or-more#post-2235166 Mon, 13 Jul 2015 14:28:17 +0000 avivoca 2235166@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Truth Bombs: I really don't think that's what she meant by her statement.</p> <p>I'm open to having a third once we see how things are going with our future second. I never thought I would say that. It may mean living in a smaller house and further out in the country/suburbs (currently I live in the city), and we may not get to go on vacation every year, but it would be okay. If we did, our first (and maybe even second) would need to be in public school in order to save on daycare costs. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/having-a-third-child-or-more#post-2235165 Mon, 13 Jul 2015 14:26:56 +0000 BandDmommy 2235165@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@butterbean: Honestly I think finances should be a concern when planning to have any amount of children. I think you are smart to think about this. Finances aren't the reason we will or will not have a 3rd, but I think something people need to think about. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/having-a-third-child-or-more#post-2235163 Mon, 13 Jul 2015 14:26:29 +0000 T.H.O.U. 2235163@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrsrugbee: This is basically DH's thinking. </p> <p>I worry about things like medical expenses (braces), sports and activities (3 fees versus 2 and getting multiple locations), and other teenager expenses (prom, cars, school supplies, etc). </p> <p>Our biggest cut back/change would have to be eating out and shopping and vacations. All things we could cut back but that is a big change (we obviously already cut back going from 1 kid to 2 kids). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/having-a-third-child-or-more#post-2235157 Mon, 13 Jul 2015 14:21:08 +0000 Truth Bombs 2235157@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrsrugbee: I think there are tons of people on this board alone who could tell you that children certainly do not "only cost as much as you let them". Yeah, it's easy enough to say, "I'm going to have a kid and not worry about paying for their higher education, that's their problem". However, I would certainly hope no one would ever say "I'm going to have a kid and if they have special needs or need some therapists for developmental help, or additional medical needs, I'm not going to 'let' them cost me that money." </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/having-a-third-child-or-more#post-2235101 Mon, 13 Jul 2015 13:43:34 +0000 birdofafeather 2235101@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrsrugbee: yep! i think the same. </p> <p>we've always wanted 3 and unless something crazy happens after DD2 is born in the fall, we'll continue on with our plan. we know that kids cost money, but i think now that i've had one, i know what's worth it in terms of spending money on items, etc. we'll save for our kids education, but i'm not going to worry about that first if i'm not squared away. after living in a home 2.5 times the size of our first (okay, the first was 600 sq ft, so 2.5 times isn't a lot :P ), i realize i really don't need more stuff and actually want to get rid of more than when we lived super tight. we're also in the place where we will be choosing to live somewhere more expensive and in turn definitely living in a smaller place than we are now because our quality of life will be that much better, so as a family, we prioritize different things. i don't think it's wrong to take finances into play in determining family size, but for us, it won't stop us from having the family size we desire. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/having-a-third-child-or-more#post-2235044 Mon, 13 Jul 2015 13:12:04 +0000 mrsrugbee 2235044@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm of the mindset that kids only cost as much as you let them and there's an economy of scale to having more. So finances will never deter me! There's (almost) always a way to make it work. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/having-a-third-child-or-more#post-2235036 Mon, 13 Jul 2015 13:04:05 +0000 LuLu Mom 2235036@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I've said we won't have another child until we move to a bigger house (bigger mortgage) and we have all debt paid off. We also won't until LO1 is in kindergarten so only 2 in daycare fulltime. I will say that long term finances are something we will think about when it happens (college/weddings/ect.) I think by then we will be prepared when the time comes. </p>