https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Thu, 07 May 2026 05:39:19 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/having-problems-with-dhs-parenting-style#post-2835611 Mon, 23 Jul 2018 20:48:03 +0000 Amorini 2835611@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Thanks everyone for sharing how you handle these types of things in your family. Maybe I should have added that DS bumped his mouth (or teeth/gums?) on our MARBLE table. He didn't fly off the handle or play it up. He just wanted to show me his mouth and get a hug and that was that. It was over in less than a minute, as was the discussion with my DH. Does that change things for anyone? :wink: </p> <p>The point is not really what happened in my example (was DS really hurt? did he need soothing?), but if/how to handle small things in the moment or not. To those who have figured out how to let it roll or have it all happen behind closed doors, I salute you! We are a pretty imperfect set of parents, but we are trying to do our best.</p> <p>@Adira: Thanks for your thoughts! I am aware of that tendency for some kids. What's funny is that DS is not a very good actor (like me). I can always tell when he is faking it, which he wasn't this time.</p> <p>@erinbaderin: Thanks! Yeah, you're right. Ignoring nicely is probably a good choice in this instance.</p> <p>@Jennibenni: Thanks for weighing in!</p> <p>@snowjewelz: Thanks! Yeah, I try to be balanced about it and pick up on what he needs. DH has a firmer, maybe more old-fashioned 1950s style. It's interesting what comes out when you have a kid together, right?! Meh.</p> <p>@LemonJack: Thanks for your thoughts. It's splitting hairs but the tone that I heard from DH was a "boys don't cry" tone. I think there was something instinctive in my responding in the moment. That said, obviously I'm still thinking about it and asking for experiences here because I would like to be a better wife and parent.</p> <p>@Mama Bird: Thank you so much for sharing. It's hard to balance differences! But it makes me feel reassured that not everyone has it figured out. :heart: </p> <p>@Ms.Mermaid: That's a great story of working things out. I appreciate the working-it-out-as-we-go approach. I have read that it is not harmful for kids as long as there is resolution. I really admire the parents who can take everything behind closed doors, but I don't know if that is really how things are going to work in our family. </p> <p>@codeitall: Thanks for sharing!</p> <p>@Hypatia: Thanks for sharing your thoughts.</p> <p>@castilrm: Thanks for sharing this same dynamic from your perspective. I totally get it!</p> <p>@2PeasinaPod: Thanks for sharing what works for you guys! </p> <p>@Anagram: Thanks! I don't know what's "right" but I think that productive discussions and having parents work things out sounds pretty real for families. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/having-problems-with-dhs-parenting-style#post-2835585 Mon, 23 Jul 2018 18:35:45 +0000 Anagram 2835585@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would say something in the moment---DH would say something to me, too. But we don't argue about it, we just discuss--is this the best approach? Or we tag team when one of us is getting frustrated and overreacting. I appreciate it when my husband (nicely) points out of I'm being overly harsh or whatever. Also, I think it's healthy for our kids to see us work stuff out--we're a pretty united front on big things, but in small stuff like the bump and the "it's fine" response--this is a special hot button issue for me because i read a lot of gentle parenting stuff that is all about validating feelings--we would work it out in front of the kids. And sometimes it's me being overly harsh--And if DH is like, "okay, let's all calm down. Mom, I'll take care of this. Why don't you go cool off", I will. I never saw my parents disagree with each other when I was growing up and I didn't know how to have productive disagreements once I was dating/married. But also, my husband is like the ultimate Gentle Parent, so he's on board with that. Neither of us is perfect and we don't mind our kids knowing that, we just want them to see us make mistakes in parenting, fix those mistakes, etc--sometimes that involves apologizing to the kids. I think it sets a good example rather than a false veneer of parents who do no wrong, you know? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/having-problems-with-dhs-parenting-style#post-2835547 Mon, 23 Jul 2018 15:19:11 +0000 2PeasinaPod 2835547@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Adira: I totally agree on all fronts.</p> <p>I won't ever criticize or say something in front of the kids if I disagree with something DH did. There are times when I've said no, where he's said yes without knowing I said no. I'll mention it to him later if that happens and we'll talk about how we can get on the same page with some things. </p> <p>I usually let him do his thing though. We're equal partners in parenting, and he's got the confidence to know that his decisions regarding our kiddos are the right ones, because he's fully invested in making those decisions too, and that includes parenting style. We might not always be completely on the same page, but if I criticize or undermine him in front of the kids, he loses credibility with them, and they won't listen to him. I've seen this happen with friends in all sorts of ways. </p> <p>With how DH reacted to your son falling is exactly how I would have reacted. Don't get me wrong, I'd pick up my 2 year old and ask him if it hurt and if he wanted me to rub it or give it a kiss, but because both DH and I react the same way, they usually get over it pretty quickly instead of making it a big deal. Do you have other examples of how his decisions are harmful? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/having-problems-with-dhs-parenting-style#post-2835530 Mon, 23 Jul 2018 14:18:40 +0000 castilrm 2835530@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I agree generally with the above approach that as long as our kids are not in immediate danger (physically or emotionally) with our response, that I would wait until child is out of the room to discuss. I think my husband (because he’s a teacher and is really into childhood development best practices) takes his approach to validating our daughers’ reaction very seriously. While I certainly try to validate and not minimize emotions, I also try to keep my own responses to an injury in proportion. My older daughter gets extremely upset over fairly minor injuries. For example, she had a paper cut (did not blood and all you could see was a bit of uneven skin) but she cried for quite awhile just bc she could see the cut. My initial reaction was to acknowledge that she had a cut but I did tell her that she would be fine and that it would feel fine in just a minute. I don’t think me making a bigger deal of what it is would be helpful, although I don’t want to tell her to not cry or that she’s fine (I focus on the fact that she WILL be fine). My husband on the other hand, will be much sweeter about it with hugs and kisses on the cut and explaining how he understands that it hurts. I can see the value in that but at the same time, kids fall down a lot and (or at least mine does!) and I want to keep things moving along otherwise half our day would be dedicated to talking about owies. But my husband has called me out (in front of our daughter) on when I’ve said that she will be fine and to calm down and that has really upset me in the past bc it made me feel like he thought I lacked compassion for our daughter. I’ve explained to him my thoughts on how I feel like I can best support our kids in those type of situations and I think we’ve come to an understanding of each other’s approaches and agreeed that when possible, we should discuss our differing approaches separately from the kids. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/having-problems-with-dhs-parenting-style#post-2835498 Mon, 23 Jul 2018 12:34:50 +0000 Hypatia 2835498@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Adira: I 100% agree with everything you said. Unless there's immediate danger, neither of us contradicts the other. And while I'm sure the intentions are good, picking up a toddler and trying to sooth them over a minor fall or bump just makes them freak out disproportionately. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/having-problems-with-dhs-parenting-style#post-2835493 Mon, 23 Jul 2018 11:44:36 +0000 codeitall 2835493@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I agree with @Adira. Sometimes DH and I disagree on something. Like lately, I've been in charge of the morning routine because I do dropoff and I've cut TV out of it because it made it hard for DS to want to leave. </p> <p>Yesterday, he got the TV turned on before he got DS out of bed and I asked him why. When he said it was for DS, I said "Oh, I've been leaving the TV off because he gets ready faster." Then he turned it off. I don't think I hurt his feelings.</p> <p>We don't fight, or raise our voices around the kids. I think it is good for them to see you disagree and compromise or reach a resolution, but if you don't think you can do that in front of them, I'd save it for later. You want to model good relationships for them, only show your kids what you want them to emulate. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/having-problems-with-dhs-parenting-style#post-2835492 Mon, 23 Jul 2018 11:36:54 +0000 Ms.Mermaid 2835492@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I came downstairs one morning and my husband had put our 3yo in a 20 minute time out. Because evidently he never paid attention to time outs and let me handle them? I told him he was wrong, we explained to our daughter that he didn’t know the rules for time-out, and it hasn’t been an issue since. We both somewhat undermine each other to manage situations that get out of hand, but we at least have it go both ways and we sell it to our kid as “negotiating” like, “maybe you and Daddy/Mommy can come up with another solution”. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/having-problems-with-dhs-parenting-style#post-2835489 Mon, 23 Jul 2018 11:22:35 +0000 Mama Bird 2835489@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Hmmm. We have very different parenting styles and probably always will, and every now and then it boils over into this big thing. If course, we both have some baggage that (unfairly) informs how we react to each other's actions, so we end up talking a lot about where we're coming from afterwards. It's still hard. </p> <p>He's dealt with too many dicorces in the family and is all about being a team, even to the point of one parent saying nothing when the other one is mean to the kids. To me saying nothing is Evil because that's all my parents ever did. It's really hard to strike a balance there. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/having-problems-with-dhs-parenting-style#post-2835449 Mon, 23 Jul 2018 09:04:29 +0000 LemonJack 2835449@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>If there’s something that I disagree with DH on I try not to say anything in the moment and talk through it later. I know it would bother me if he questioned me in front of the kids, so I don’t want to do that to him.</p> <p>As far as your example, it doesn’t sound super extreme on your end. You disagreed on his style, but I don’t think it was terrible to mention it at the moment. I think you’d have more success in the future though, if you did talk about it later, and not in front of your son.</p> <p>In your example, I think I’m a little more like your husband. I definitely comfort my girls if they’re hurt, and am affectionate, but my first default is to say, “you’re okay, shake it off!” If they’re really hurt, I’ll comfort them of course, but my default setting is to not make a big deal of it because then they don’t either. I definitely never say, “don’t cry” or anything like that, but I try to treat it like a minor thing. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/having-problems-with-dhs-parenting-style#post-2835443 Mon, 23 Jul 2018 09:01:08 +0000 snowjewelz 2835443@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I agree with your viewpoint on this instance; I also don't over-do soothing but I acknowledge their feelings and will cuddle if that's what they need. </p> <p>I also agree that it's SO hard to hold back in the moment when you differ in parenting style! DH has a shorter fuse than me (ok, much shorter :silly: ) and he has really embraced a lot of what I preach/teach about respectful/gentle parenting. So I try my very best not to say anything in front the kids later and just bring it up later on. But I even don't really say too much now; I find that the best I can do is be the example and he will see how much better the girls react to how I do it vs how he does it and once in a while we'll talk about parenting specifically and I can bring up a few scenarios and talk about why this works and not that, etc. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/having-problems-with-dhs-parenting-style#post-2835429 Mon, 23 Jul 2018 08:09:17 +0000 Jennibenni 2835429@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I won hundred percent agree with you on your example, but I also think that it’s not worth picking a fight over or pointing out. Now there could certainly be other things that I would absolutely point out but that particular one Is just do my thing and let him do his. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/having-problems-with-dhs-parenting-style#post-2835415 Mon, 23 Jul 2018 07:24:03 +0000 erinbaderin 2835415@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I agree with you, I think that if they’re upset it’s not our job to tell them they’re fine or it’s not a big deal. If I stubbed my toe and it hurt and somebody told me I was fine I’d be furious. Whether they got hurt or just scared or just need a hug, I don’t think it’s up to me to decide. In that particular instance I think I would just ignore my husband and keep doing what I’m doing, and then later mention that I don’t think it’s ok to say that. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/having-problems-with-dhs-parenting-style#post-2835406 Mon, 23 Jul 2018 06:04:42 +0000 Adira 2835406@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Unless I think my kids are in danger (physically, mentally, or emotionally), I try not to say anything about my husband's parenting in front of them. I don't want to undermine him and have the kids not respect his decisions. We disagree on things and I'll just bite my tongue and then talk to him about it later. "I really disagree with how you handled X. So-and-so is only whatever age and doesn't understand blah blah blah." And then we'll talk it out and come to a compromise if necessary.</p> <p>As far as your example though, I'm inclined to agree with your husband, depending on the bump. Sometimes kids hurt themselves and they just cry automatically or look to us to see how to respond. If we make a big deal out of it, they'll make a big deal out of it, even if it might not be a big deal. Whenever my kids bump into things, fall, etc, I just tell them to shake it off, and if they can't do that on their own, then I know they actually ARE hurt and I comfort them. But sometimes kids just automatically react to what happened (falling, bumping into something) without even taking note of whether they are in any actual pain or not. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/having-problems-with-dhs-parenting-style#post-2835404 Mon, 23 Jul 2018 05:34:14 +0000 Amorini 2835404@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I’ll start off by saying DH is a good dad to DS (21 months). He’s around, he’s consistent, he’s fun. We have a challenging marriage but we are working on it. Most of the time, if I see him do something with DS that I would rather he not do, I suck it up and just try to not comment. But sometimes, if I really disagree, I don’t hold back and I say something, even in front of DS. </p> <p>An example. DS bumped his mouth on the table and became to cry. I picked him up to soothe and DH said to him with some annoyed tone, “Hey, you’re fine! No big deal.” For me, he’s not even two. Plus crying when you hurt or scared is aok. I said something to DH while soothing DS that I think we need to validate his feelings, not teach him to suck them up. Something like this probably happens a few times a week.</p> <p>I’ve read and heard to not disagree about parenting in front of DS. How do you handle this kind of stuff? Some parenting styles are just differences and preferences; other times I’m concerned that these kinds of things could be harmful. We are from two different cultures, so there’s that, too. Looking for some experiences about how you’ve navigated parenting style differences! </p>