https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Thu, 09 Apr 2026 17:27:04 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-dh-wants-a-2nd-child-i-dont#post-2666935 Sat, 17 Dec 2016 21:23:16 +0000 ShootingStar 2666935@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Pregnancy and infancy don't last forever. Some of it goes even quicker th 2nd time around. I HATE pregnancy. 4 months postpartum with #2 and I still regularly think to myself how happy I am to not be pregnant any more. </p> <p>After the first time I never had any desire to be pregnant again. We even looked into adoption because I really didn't think I could do it again. Eventually I decided I did want a second baby and could get through pregnancy again. It was awful again and even worse in some ways. But I knew I wanted DS to have a sibling. I knew that when I pictured our family growing up I saw two kids at the dinner table, two kids on vacation, two kids playing in the back yard. </p> <p>It's so much easier with a baby this time knowing everything is a phase and nothing lasts forever. And now I have the family I always wanted, pregnancy is over forever (woot!), and infancy is 1/3 done. </p> <p>That's not to say that having two kids is what *you* want. But to me wanting to have another child and wanting to be pregnant again aren't the same thing. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-dh-wants-a-2nd-child-i-dont#post-2666854 Sat, 17 Dec 2016 13:58:18 +0000 MrsSCB 2666854@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I agree with @wrkbrk: that the person not wanting a child should have final say. To some degree, I don't know that it's fair to the child to bring him/her into the world without two parents who are on board. Sorry you're dealing with this, I know it is so complicated :-( </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-dh-wants-a-2nd-child-i-dont#post-2666853 Sat, 17 Dec 2016 13:44:11 +0000 808love 2666853@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My brother and his (now -ex) wife disagreed strongly about this. He didn't want and she did. They divorced soon after (while their only child was 3 years old) and she went on to get a sperm donor and happily had a second. While sharing custody, my brother remarried into a family with two stepchildren and then eventually wanted a second child 7 years later. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-dh-wants-a-2nd-child-i-dont#post-2666702 Fri, 16 Dec 2016 16:55:32 +0000 ChiCalGoBee 2666702@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Meowkers: My husband and I are kind of flipped. I won't get into the whole story, but he's an only child, and I think if I turned to him and said "one and done" he'd be fine and not give it another thought. However, I've told him I want two kids since our 2nd date 13 years ago, and I haven't changed on that. I think a sibling is important, and as he sees me interact with my siblings, I think he agrees on that point. We've only recently begun to talk about it concretely (vs. "at some point/if we have a second/etc."), and I think what's helped both of us is that our son is 25 months and in school five mornings a week. As he gets older and more like a kid-more independent,sleeping well, using full sentences, etc. the idea of having another baby isn't so insane. Even 6 months ago I didn't have baby fever AT ALL. Now I'm not sure I have it, but I definitely am more excited as I think concretely about number two. Would asking your husband to table it for another year be a possibility? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-dh-wants-a-2nd-child-i-dont#post-2666694 Fri, 16 Dec 2016 16:35:51 +0000 Pumpkin Pie 2666694@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm due any day now with DD#2. I was really unsure whether I wanted #2 when I got pregnant. I had a terrible time with DD1 when she was an infant, and things were just getting good/fun when she was 18 months. And then I got pregnant. </p> <p>I think its about what we envision for our future family. I'm trying to prepare myself for the crap storm that the first year(s) may be, but I'm looking forward to when the kids will play together, and the relationship we'll all build together. </p> <p>We're exciting and scared, but looking forward to #2. I can't wait for DD1 to meet her little sister. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-dh-wants-a-2nd-child-i-dont#post-2666683 Fri, 16 Dec 2016 16:29:21 +0000 littlejoy 2666683@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Whenever I've seen this issue pop up with friends, time and communication seem to be the solution. I also think therapy is an amazing tool and resource. Having children (and growing our families) is a HUGE decision ... whether or not you agree with your spouse, understanding their motivation can go a long way. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-dh-wants-a-2nd-child-i-dont#post-2666680 Fri, 16 Dec 2016 16:26:40 +0000 Boogs 2666680@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This happened with us. Eventually, since it was so important to DH, I agreed. It's definitely harder, but I'm glad my boys have each other. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-dh-wants-a-2nd-child-i-dont#post-2666643 Fri, 16 Dec 2016 15:43:11 +0000 Greentea 2666643@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Not sure I've ever had "baby fever." My first was a screaming fussy one, not one of those easy kids you see sleeping in a carseat. I waited until I felt ready and got my ideal hope- exactly 3 years apart. </p> <p>I think it is worth it. It'll be hard, but worth it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-dh-wants-a-2nd-child-i-dont#post-2666642 Fri, 16 Dec 2016 15:42:43 +0000 youboots 2666642@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@JenGirl: I agree. I'm happy I'm here and everything but my Dad has legit said he did not want me and that I'm the milkmans kid. If I did not look just like him I would have got a DNA test years ago. Like not kidding at all. I resent both my parents over this.</p> <p>I know this was not the original question. In answer to that. DH and I go back and forth about a second, I think we will have another child, but if it did not work out that would be fine too. If it were an issue for either of us I would take him to therapy with me. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-dh-wants-a-2nd-child-i-dont#post-2666638 Fri, 16 Dec 2016 15:29:07 +0000 sarac 2666638@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I had this exact experience. At 3, my daughter was sleeping, she was more independent, and my life as a stay at home mom was finally really fun. I was excited to see her go to school in a few years and to go back to work. We'd been trying to get pregnant the whole time, and it hadn't happened. I wanted more children, but I didn't want to go back to pregnancy, sleepless nights, 5 more years of being a SAHM. So I told my husband that I was done, I asked him to get a vasectomy, and I thought that was it.</p> <p>And he was heartbroken. Absolutely devastated. He begged me to reconsider, told me that we'd do anything it took to make it easy on me, we'd get a nanny, whatever. And since I did want more children, I reconsidered. And then I got pregnant, and the question was answered.</p> <p>I knew though, that I would be the one to suffer. I would have to be pregnant for a year, and then recovering for a year. I would be the one who suffered through the sleepless nights (I'm terrible with bad sleep, he isn't). I would be the one fat and breastfeeding, and unable to do all the fun things that he could. I would be the one who had to stay at home for years more, or figure out how to go back to school and change careers with a baby in tow. I knew that after all of that, I'd be happy to have more kids, but I really, really didn't want to do all of that.</p> <p>And honestly, it was as bad as I thought it would be. I hated being pregnant. I REALLY hated being miserable from the sleepless nights while he was in the best shape of his life and racing his bike every weekend. I hated feeling like my life was on hold to raise another baby. His life didn't really change, and mine did, and it caused a lot of tension and resentment. I have indeed been trying to figure out how to go back to school, and it's really hard to see my older daughter go off to kindergarten, and to know that this would all be so easy if I didn't have to figure out how to balance school with the baby. </p> <p>As I suspected, I love the baby, I'm really glad to have her, and in a few years this will be over and she'll be in school and she'll sleep and I'll go back to school and hopefully start a new career and be out of these baby years. And I'll be really glad I went through it all to have her. But wow - has it caused a lot of tension and anger for us. I spent most of this year mired in bad sleep induced depression, and I was really angry with my husband the whole time. His life didn't change. Mine did. </p> <p>We have a really strong relationship, so we'll get through it, but wow. It's been pretty damaging, to be honest. I know how heartbreaking it is for one partner not to get what they want in terms of the number of children they want, but I would honestly err on the side of fewer children. More children than one person wants is pretty brutal to that person. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-dh-wants-a-2nd-child-i-dont#post-2666614 Fri, 16 Dec 2016 14:57:07 +0000 gingerbebe 2666614@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>DS1 was a nightmare baby for the first 6 months and I also had a high risk pregnancy with terrible morning sickness with him. I was not ready for a second but we got surprise pregnant just before his 1st birthday. It was super awkward at work and I was completely exhausted and overwhelmed at the thought of 2 boys 20 months apart. But we ended up taking the suck it up route - life is gonna be a hot mess for a few years, but we have all the gear and we are already in baby/toddler mode and it would be worse to feel liberated by having a grown child and then go back to the newborn stage, etc.</p> <p>DS2 wasn't an easy pregnancy per se but loads better and not high risk. Scheduled C-section was a breeze and the newborn stage while always tough was totally doable and we were in a good place by 10 weeks. He is just a super sweet mellow baby and everyone adores him.</p> <p>DS1 and DS2 adore each other and we have had no jealousy issues. I like that DS1 will never have any memories without his brother and that after this phase they will always have a friend. Everyone I've talked to says under 3 years spacing is tough at first but then it's way easier because they play together.</p> <p>We were concerned about childcare too, but found a good full-time preschool for DS1 that has an infant room for DS2 and the combined cost was doable compared to a nanny. With a dependent care FSA for tax deductions and a small discount for having two kids there, it will be okay. </p> <p>DH took over all toddler nightwakings and bedtime and getting up with DS1 in the morning and ready for school since I was pregnant. We also found a regular sitter/mommys helper to come fill in on sick days for the toddler and most Saturday mornings so I can get a break. DH takes the toddler for some activity on the weekends as well. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-dh-wants-a-2nd-child-i-dont#post-2666586 Fri, 16 Dec 2016 14:10:47 +0000 Meowkers 2666586@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@littlebug: my DH is definitely not presiding me but he's made his preference know. I want him to be happy so I feel like I'm pressuring myself. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-dh-wants-a-2nd-child-i-dont#post-2666580 Fri, 16 Dec 2016 14:02:20 +0000 littlebug 2666580@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Meowkers: Maybe. But in the meantime, don't let him pressure you. Not saying that he is or would! But every time my husband would bring it up, I"d just say, "I'm not ready" and point out that it's MY body that goes through pregnancy, labor, delivery, and all the postpartum nonsense. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-dh-wants-a-2nd-child-i-dont#post-2666574 Fri, 16 Dec 2016 13:54:57 +0000 Meowkers 2666574@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@littlebug: yes! I could have written this. So scared to tempt fate. Maybe one day I'll wake up and just be ready as well. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-dh-wants-a-2nd-child-i-dont#post-2666564 Fri, 16 Dec 2016 13:48:49 +0000 littlebug 2666564@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I never had baby fever for number 2. I was perfectly content with having 1. He was a super easy baby, a great sleeper, and a pretty easy 2yo. I thought for sure we were tempting fate if we had another baby. To me, our little family of 3 felt complete. But Hubs wanted another so D could have a sibling. He was ready to go from the time D was a year old, but I resisted. Strongly. But then one day, D was a little over 2, and I was just ready. It was literally like I woke up and was like, "ok, I'm ready." Prior to that, I was completely set with being one and done. No baby fever or anything like that. Suddenly it just felt right for our family. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-dh-wants-a-2nd-child-i-dont#post-2666561 Fri, 16 Dec 2016 13:45:55 +0000 snowjewelz 2666561@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I never really had baby fever with my first or second (37 weeks pregnant). I always knew we'd have kids, and definitely want two. We were not going to TTC till DD was like 20 months (so looking for 2.5-3 year gap). I wanted that gap to feel like I have some breathing room and then DD would be older/more independent. Well, we got pregnant when DD was like 16 months I think? So they are pretty much exactly 2 years apart. </p> <p>We are extremely happy of course! I think we would've still gone ahead with TTC if we hadn't gotten pregnant by surprise... We just knew we'd want two and not one, so whether or not we were really ready, we would've kept our time line more or less since DH is a lot older than me and waiting will prob end up being harder. </p> <p>I know so many things will be so much harder with 2, but at the same time, there will be so much joy and blessing. The younger exhausting years will eventually pass, that's what I keep telling myself! If we kept waiting we'd just be older and have less energy anyway. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-dh-wants-a-2nd-child-i-dont#post-2666551 Fri, 16 Dec 2016 13:17:32 +0000 JenGirl 2666551@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm in a bit of a different situation, because I only wanted one before we even got engaged and my husband agreed to only one (though he would prefer another). </p> <p>However, in general, when parents disagree about wanting another, I usually side with the one that does not want another, because I don't think anyone should have a child unless they're completely on board with it. I think this is doubly true in your situation, since your'e the one that would have to carry the pregnancy, give birth and breastfeed (if you plan to). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-dh-wants-a-2nd-child-i-dont#post-2666549 Fri, 16 Dec 2016 13:12:45 +0000 Freckles 2666549@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'll be honest - i had no baby fever at all when trying for #2. We reluctantly tried for #2 (it was tough - we were both exhausted from busy work travel and sicknesses) but before trying we both didn't go into it wholeheartedly. </p> <p>But i didn't feel like our family was yet complete and i think DH would have resented it if i changed my mind. Yes, life was super easy before #2 came along, but i don't regret going for #2 (even though it may not have been the idealistic romantic way #1 was). </p> <p>Would your DH be okay with waiting another year? Do you think there's a chance you'll change your mind? I'm sorry you're in this situation - it's definitely hard when you're no longer on the same page with family size. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-dh-wants-a-2nd-child-i-dont#post-2666548 Fri, 16 Dec 2016 13:08:50 +0000 Truth Bombs 2666548@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@wrkbrk: I agree with you. I think for the interest of the marriage and the child, both parents need to be 100% on board before adding to a family. I hate it when hear women talking about "convincing" their husband to have more kids. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-dh-wants-a-2nd-child-i-dont#post-2666547 Fri, 16 Dec 2016 13:05:54 +0000 Anagram 2666547@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Meowkers: I'm glad I sucked it up! I knew I wanted a second and now I am DONE with pregnancy and nursing and pumping and everything! Also, we are no spring chickens and I will turn 37 in 2017. So I also knew I had to get on it, if I ever wanted it to happen.</p> <p>eta: but I want to clarify that I don't think sucking it up is for everyone! I wanted a kid, I just didn't want to have to go through pregnancy and newborn period again. It would have been a different story if I just didn't want another child. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-dh-wants-a-2nd-child-i-dont#post-2666546 Fri, 16 Dec 2016 13:05:38 +0000 wrkbrk 2666546@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Anagram: Agree. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-dh-wants-a-2nd-child-i-dont#post-2666543 Fri, 16 Dec 2016 13:03:31 +0000 Anagram 2666543@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@wrkbrk: For me, I think ethically, when partners don't agree and there is a partner who vehemently does not want another, then it's best they don't have more kids.</p> <p>It's totally different if one partner is wishy washy on a second, or could be convinced to have a second.</p> <p>But if one partner absolutely does not want a second, and feels really strongly about it, then I think it's just a recipe for disaster for the partnership and for the child. I think it would cause resentment between the partners and I'm not sure the parent who didn't want another kid would have a strong bond with the child. That's just not fair to anyone.</p> <p>I think it's a terrible situation to be in though. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-dh-wants-a-2nd-child-i-dont#post-2666539 Fri, 16 Dec 2016 13:00:15 +0000 wrkbrk 2666539@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Meowkers: PS I do kind of feel like the person NOT wanting another child (whichever person that is) kind of has the final say. Thats the only thing that makes sense to me. You can't twist someone's arm into adding to your family. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-dh-wants-a-2nd-child-i-dont#post-2666536 Fri, 16 Dec 2016 12:56:29 +0000 wrkbrk 2666536@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Meowkers: following because we are flipped on this issue! although i am 90% on board with one and done at this point ... but still curious what people's opinions are on this topic of when partners don't agree on number on ideal number of kids. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-dh-wants-a-2nd-child-i-dont#post-2666532 Fri, 16 Dec 2016 12:55:14 +0000 Chuckles 2666532@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm on the other side with your SO, where I really want a second and my DH is totally done with one. I agree with PPs that since you would be the one going through pregnancy, labor, and potentially breastfeeding, it's ultimately your decision. I agree that it's important to continue a discussion and have both of you keep an open mind.<br /> I just want to emphasize that, at least for me, it's not just that I want a second kid in like a mild longing way. For a long time, I don't think my DH understood why this was all so upsetting for me. I think he felt like, you want one, but I don't. My way makes life easier, so that's the way it should be. And I completely understand that life is easier with one kid. But I feel like I have another kid out there who I'm not getting to meet and it's heartbreaking. I'm worried that, for me, I will always feel like there is an empty place in our family. I'm not saying this to make you feel bad or guilty about how you feel. Not wanting another kid is totally legitimate and, again, I know how much easier life is with one. It was just very difficult to get my DH to understand how deeply I felt about it so that he would put more effort into at least keeping an open mind and continuing a discussion, even if ultimately he didn't change his mind.<br /> ETA: I know I posted about this on here ad nausem, so sorry for the rehashing. Also, it did work both ways in that I had to also understand just how difficult the newborn stage was for my husband. And how intensely upsetting it was for him to think about going through that again. Ultimately we had to stop talking about logistics and what would be easier or harder or what we could be doing and to talk about the feelings underlying what was happening. It made it easier for us to communicate about it so that we both felt heard. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-dh-wants-a-2nd-child-i-dont#post-2666527 Fri, 16 Dec 2016 12:50:00 +0000 Madison43 2666527@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Meowkers: I never had baby fever for #2! I knew rationally that we wanted 2 kids and another pregnancy was the only the way to get there (for me), so I just sucked it up and did it. I was not looking forward to being pregnant or the newborn days, but I was also 35 and need IVF to get pregnant so I knew I had to get a move on it. LO2 is 14 months now and my love for her is boundless BUT I'm glad the first year is over and am thrilled that I never have to go through it again. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-dh-wants-a-2nd-child-i-dont#post-2666521 Fri, 16 Dec 2016 12:28:39 +0000 meredithNYC 2666521@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't think that I ever had baby fever and I have a 4 year old and a one year old. I'm also fairly certain we will have a third.</p> <p>I really dislike pregnancy and the newborn stage, but whenever I imagine our family in the future I always picture three kids. For me, it's a matter of getting through the short term challenges in the expectation that it will be worth it in the end. It's a risk, of course, but I don't know any other way.</p> <p>For what it's worth, I really enjoy the relationship between my two. But everyone is different and if you truly don't want a second, I agree that your feelings trump those of your husband for the simple fact that you will be the one carrying the baby. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-dh-wants-a-2nd-child-i-dont#post-2666519 Fri, 16 Dec 2016 12:25:15 +0000 Meowkers 2666519@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@T.H.O.U.: we've talked about life changes with a 2nd and both agree it would be even more difficult than it is now. At this point, I don't want those changes because I feel like I wouldn't be gaining anything, only losing. He feels ok with the prospective changes. For instance, I want to move into a bigger house which would be impossible with the extra childcare costs. He doesn't mind staying in our house indefinitely.</p> <p>We have talked about hypothetical spacing and if we are to have a second, the next year would be the ideal time to get pregnant. I just feel absolutely no desire for a second child.....at all. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-dh-wants-a-2nd-child-i-dont#post-2666518 Fri, 16 Dec 2016 12:22:13 +0000 Meowkers 2666518@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Anagram: Your outlook sounds just like mine. Thank you for your honestly. I'm sure you love your 2nd child and wouldn't take it back. But generally, are you glad you just sucked it up and did it or looking back do you wish you did something different? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-dh-wants-a-2nd-child-i-dont#post-2666514 Fri, 16 Dec 2016 12:15:22 +0000 Anagram 2666514@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Meowkers: This is tricky to me, because you are the one who has to go through the physical toll of pregnancy and childbirth/post partum while having a toddler and working full time.</p> <p>To me, that gives you the final say. I don't agree that you "have" to keep having kids as long as your husband keeps wanting them. It's something you need to discuss, and try to see each other's side. But this is like a vasectomy type of issue--ultimately, it's the person whose body it is that gets to make the final decision.</p> <p>To answer your question--I did not have even a smidge of baby fever before I had LO2. I honestly dreaded going through prenancy and newborn time again. I have a (milder but still terrible) form of hyperemesis where I am sick 24/7, no breaks, for months. Like having the stomach flu. I didn't know how I would continue working and having a toddler. And our first was (and is) a world class terrible sleeper and had feeding issues and MSPI too.</p> <p>Having said that, I knew intellectually I wanted 2 kids, I just didn't know how I would suffer through all that again and I had true dread and fear in my heart about it. Whereas my husband was ready to try again when I was only 3 months post partum and still in the thick of things.</p> <p>I just told him he'd have to wait until I felt ready. When LO 1 was 13 month old, I still didn't feel any baby fever or any desire to be pregnant again, but I had a friend who had terrible hyperemesis who got pregnant with her second, and as miserable as she was, every time she would say, well, at least I only have to suffer through this for ______ more months and then never again, it made me realize that I was never going to WANT to be pregnant, but I did want to get it over with, so I decided to just get on with it.</p> <p>Pregnancy was actually even worse the second time. Thankfully, my husband took over many many duties for me (like all of LO 1s wakeups for several months while I was sick). </p> <p>However, the newborn and baby period was 1000 better and easier. My second still isn't a great sleeper, but she's not terrible. And I can function fine on 1-2 wakeups a night, just not the 4-6 LO1 did. I actually enjoyed the baby stage more the second time around. I felt much better at it. The stumbling blocks didn't phase me as much.</p> <p>And I took better and more drugs for the nausea the second pregnancy.</p> <p>All in all, I wouldn't change a thing. But it HAD to be my choice and not my husband's choice, since I was the one who physically had to go through it. </p>