https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Wed, 29 Apr 2026 07:31:20 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-encouraging-a-very-shy-child-to-open-up-a-bit#post-2801672 Fri, 02 Feb 2018 15:24:22 +0000 MrsSRS 2801672@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I agree with the concept of social interactions as teachable life skills. You might try the book Growing Up Brave for some techniques. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-encouraging-a-very-shy-child-to-open-up-a-bit#post-2801474 Thu, 01 Feb 2018 19:25:03 +0000 lamariniere 2801474@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@shabang: the teacher mentioned that my daughter doesn't participate much in group settings as far as offering to answer, but in one on one settings, she knows all the answers and can respond well. I'm not really sure how we can encourage participation from home, but I'm hoping she will just naturally open up a bit more as she gets older.</p> <p>@Ajsmommy: this is the method we've been trying to use, encourage her and kind of help her break the ice until she's comfortable.</p> <p>@gingerbebe: I think you have a potential side career in writing self help books/blogs :wink: Thank you for your detailed response! You made some really good points that I had never thought about with regard to giving her space to decompress/recharge after activities. My daughter is in 2 after school activities this semester and next semester (next month) she'll be in 3. They are right after school on the school grounds with no parental involvement, and I think this is kind of a gentle way of forcing her out of her comfort zone. There are always at least a few kids she knows in her activities, so it's not like it's a totally new situation. And I totally agree about a potential bias towards extroversion...that's totally what I was thinking when the teacher was telling me all of this. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-encouraging-a-very-shy-child-to-open-up-a-bit#post-2801445 Thu, 01 Feb 2018 16:17:05 +0000 gingerbebe 2801445@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I am a "social introvert" in that I am able to function pretty well in public, with strangers, etc. In essence, I know how to "turn it on." But I find it enormously exhausting, I need to hibernate after a large interaction to recharge, and I dread social interaction (although once I'm IN the situation, I can pull it together). </p> <p>I think a lot of the reason I can function this way is because my parents posed social interactions more as life skills, rather than something that needed to be changed about my personality. They never tried or wanted me to be extroverted, they just really wanted me to learn certain skills, the same way I didn't like math but they made me learn it. I was required to do public speaking contests, to join in musicals or choirs, do church plays, etc. even if I didn't want to because "you have to learn how to speak to people and communicate effectively." It was deemed educational. Even for prayers over family meals or whatever, we were required to take turns to say a prayer out loud to get us in the habit of being able to pray with and for people in social settings.</p> <p>My parents also had very strict social expectations. I didn't have to be friends with everyone, but I was expected to be kind. That meant saying hello or acknowledging people when they acknowledged you. That meant bowing, or shaking hands, or looking someone in the eye and giving them a clear hello, no mumbling. </p> <p>Overall, I am very appreciative that those skills were instilled in me. However, my parents didn't really deal with my introversion in a holistic way, which as a parent to a child who is very much like me now, its something I'm mindful of and think about a lot. Like, if I had a very stressful experience, they didn't try to compensate for it by giving me space or some downtime to recuperate, for example. They just wanted me to move on - which isn't healthy for introverts and it took me a LONG time to learn how to appropriately manage my stress (hence I deal with anxiety attacks).</p> <p>I encourage my 3.5 year old to say hi to people and to be kind - please and thank you - and to apologize if he does something wrong. But I don't force touching if he doesn't want it. I put my kid in situations that I know were and are uncomfortable for him (daycare, Sunday school, new play spaces), but build rigid routine into his daily routine to give him a sense of stability. We experience new people and new places together or within a context he is already familiar with. I talk to him before we go through the experience what its going to be like and tell him my expectations. I answer his questions. I expect him to be more needy, whiny, annoying, or clingy afterwards.</p> <p>After the experience, we talk about it and then try to go back to our regular routine as much as possible so that he can retreat into the security of that and decompress. We make sure he gets enough rest and alone time. If he doesn't want to talk about the experience yet, we let it go and might pick it back up a few days later, or whenever he decides to bring it up. He may not WANT to do something again until he's had a chance to process. We've had lots of situations where weeks after something happened, he'll ask if we can go do X again, and the whole time we'd figured he didn't like it. </p> <p>What we've found is by respecting his natural inclinations but helping him navigate social situations and stresses in a safe way, he's really blossomed socially. He is the epitome of big fish in a little pond when it comes to school and church now - he's so social and a ham! Its given him more confidence in new settings to be more social. I'd like to think that at least part of it is that he trusts us to not put him in situations that would be too stressful or without adequate support. </p> <p>So yeah, sorry for the novel, but I think you're doing everything fine. I am quite protective of my son in school settings because I do think there's this bias towards extroversion and I think teachers can and should do more to help children interact better with introverted kids the same way introverted children are expected to step up and cope with extroverted kids. I always make a point to tell my teachers that my son is introverted, that he needs to warm up to things (even toys!) and people, but that I'm totally okay with them enforcing social niceties like hello or please or asking before taking things, etc. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-encouraging-a-very-shy-child-to-open-up-a-bit#post-2801437 Thu, 01 Feb 2018 15:30:21 +0000 Ajsmommy 2801437@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I was super shy as a kid and I regret not doing or partaking in things I really wanted to. My DD is somewhat shy, but not overly shy, however when she's feeling shy or is acting that way I just encourage her and help her along.. like if its something she wants to do but is shy about it i'll do it with her until she gets comfortable. This seems to work and then she takes over... I feel like the more I help her do or encourage her to do the more confident and open she is. It makes me happy to see her doing things and participating in things she wants to do without being held back like I was (granted I was held back by myself) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-encouraging-a-very-shy-child-to-open-up-a-bit#post-2801429 Thu, 01 Feb 2018 14:53:53 +0000 shabang 2801429@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My 4yo daughter is like this. Even sometimes with people she knows well. I was also supershy as a kid, as was her father. </p> <p>I don't know of any tools to help, but we don't really view it as a problem. Like you, in social situations, I just try to be encouraging. </p> <p>In the past, she has gotten frustrated when kids in her class call out answers loudly, but she raises her hand and the teacher just goes with the first answer she hears. We did discuss this with her teacher because she likes to be involved despite the fact that she's not the most vocal/loud. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-encouraging-a-very-shy-child-to-open-up-a-bit#post-2801216 Wed, 31 Jan 2018 22:43:40 +0000 bhbee 2801216@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@lamariniere: yeah and the surprising thing to me was that the change was not at all linear. She was at the same preschool from 2-5 and I saw little change. Then in kinder, bam. So I wouldn’t be worried if you don’t see changes yet. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-encouraging-a-very-shy-child-to-open-up-a-bit#post-2801214 Wed, 31 Jan 2018 22:37:51 +0000 lamariniere 2801214@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@bhbee: That's encouraging that you also saw changes over time. My DD will go to the same kinder as her preschool, and the hours are the same. Hopefully, she'll still have a lot of the same kids in her class. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-encouraging-a-very-shy-child-to-open-up-a-bit#post-2801212 Wed, 31 Jan 2018 22:33:47 +0000 bhbee 2801212@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>A lot of the posts above describe my daughter as well. We didn’t push hard but i think doing a little suggesting as you mention is a good plan. I was nervous about sending to kinder, esp with the transition to full time school. And to my surprise she has hugely opened up in that time! Something about it really built her confidence and she is much more outgoing most notably with adults (her larger problem before). She’s still quiet and shy by nature but it feels much more manageable.<br /> So I also just vote time and encouragement - I bet you will get there!</p> <p>ETA she started kinder at 5.5 </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-encouraging-a-very-shy-child-to-open-up-a-bit#post-2801206 Wed, 31 Jan 2018 22:06:26 +0000 lamariniere 2801206@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MuzzyBee: That's great that you've seen such visible change as she's gotten older! Hopefully that will be the same with my DD. </p> <p>Again, I'm not trying to change her, just help her navigate a bit better. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-encouraging-a-very-shy-child-to-open-up-a-bit#post-2801204 Wed, 31 Jan 2018 22:01:51 +0000 MuzzyBee 2801204@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Our daughter was shy even with people she knew well (aunts, uncles) if she hadn’t seen them in a few weeks. Wouldn’t talk if people in shops spoke to her..<br /> the last 6 months she has changed entirely - she says hello and makes small talk!<br /> I personally wouldn’t worry, we just asked if she wanted to but never pushed her if she didn’t want to.. if she did we talked about how big she was getting and how big and brave she was etc etc </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-encouraging-a-very-shy-child-to-open-up-a-bit#post-2801200 Wed, 31 Jan 2018 21:56:45 +0000 lamariniere 2801200@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MuzzyBee: I think once she knows people she is fine. I asked the teacher how she interacts with friends at school and confirmed what DD has told us, which is that she has a little group of girlfriends that she always plays with and everything is fine. My DD won't start the equivalent of kindergarten until she's about 5.75, so we have another full year of preschool after this year. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-encouraging-a-very-shy-child-to-open-up-a-bit#post-2801197 Wed, 31 Jan 2018 21:53:10 +0000 MuzzyBee 2801197@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Is she shy and quiet with people she knows? Our now 5yo was very shy until about 6 months ago - even in big groups at Daycare sometimes too (been at same centre since she was 1)<br /> It was one of the reasons I held her back from starting school till the new school year - she was 5yrs and 3 months. Those few months have made a huge difference. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/help-encouraging-a-very-shy-child-to-open-up-a-bit#post-2801193 Wed, 31 Jan 2018 21:42:54 +0000 lamariniere 2801193@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My DD is 4 and has been shy/reserved since she was a baby. We all know this, and my DH and I are not super extroverted either. I met with DD's preschool teacher this week and she mentioned that she would like to see DD open up a bit more such as contributing in group settings, being more vocal in answering questions, etc. She also thought her extreme shyness could be a hindrance later when she's in school, but she did say she's at the top of the class as far as milestones/expectations. Now, I don't exactly share the same philosophy as the teacher on this point, and I don't think there's much we can do concretely to change her personality, that's just who she is. But, I would like to give her some tools to help her socially. For example, yesterday, we were at the playground early and there were only 3-4 other kids (usually there are 40+ kids). One little girl around her age wanted to play (and she's seen this girl before), but my daughter basically hid in my skirt and covered her eyes with her hands. I encouraged her and after a little prodding, she eventually went off with the other girl and they played for more than an hour. Another example is that my daughter will often physically turn away when people try to engage with her, both acquaintances and strangers. I've told her she has to at least say hi, otherwise people will think she's rude, but her reflex is to turn away.</p> <p>Does anyone have any tips? Or if you were a very shy child, what helped you open up a bit more? </p>